you don't have to give him the credits for making you a man if he didn't

Hope you don't mind me copy-pasting our conversation here... it's just the intro..

"you just.. don't fancy your dad's way of doing things
and i guess you never want to be like him?
you rather be anything and anyone - as long as you don't become like him

you will never be like him
because you have a choice
to be whoever you choose
he may be your dad
but he's not you

God was a man when He was on earth
and if there is anything lacking, among all the good parts you took from your dad,
you know where to get it from
among all the parts that make a man, a man

so doesnt mean that you're a man means you're anything like your dad
you don't have to give him the credits for making you a man if he didn't"

Some girls get their feminity from their mothers or sisters.. I have no idea where I got mine from.. But I like to think that it is God who deserves that credit.

The Holy Spirit is very much of a woman among the Trinity. And I realize that as woman, we crave to love and be loved. We crave attention, we crave to be noticed and to be admired. We long for all those things, like I read in the book, "Captivating".. yes.. and it is when I read that book, that it openes my eyes to the feminity of God and the woman I am supposed to be in God.

How much of a woman God is in His desire to be loved by us, to be noticed, to talk to us, to listen and to understand. How much of a woman, He is, in His forgiveness and grace; in His healing and most of all, His beauty..

And it is when I realize the femininity of God, that I managed to open up my heart to slowly let others see that part of me. I have to admit - I am still learning to be feminine.

It's not easy. My ego wouldn't let me. I wanted the world to know the damage the women in my life has done to me -no, I cannot be feminine. My ego. My hurt. My hatred. My unforgiveness.

Yesterday, I met her again.. the one who ruined my life. After all those years.. I finally knew the culprit - it was you. The way you talked to me. I felt like slapping you in the face and shouting, "Don't you DARE talk to me like that again!" The way you talked.. the emotion,.. the spirit that came out of you. It was demonic. And you didn't even know it. After all those years - you couldn't see yourself - you were blinded by your own hurts. It made you immature. You never grew up. And when you were blinded, and when you were too proud face your weaknesses and deal with them, you could never change, and you could never be the person God wanted you to be, so that God could use you. That's why God couldn't use you, and you wasted your whole life.

Instead, the devil used you to destroy other people. That intimidating spirit inside of you caused you to put fear in others and to crush their innerman. To break down their confidence and self-esteem, like the way you crushed mine. The devil came to steal, kill and to destroy. And he used you to destroy me. All because you couldn't face your own hurts and rejection. I wish someone ministered to you when you were still young, so that I wouldn't be who I am today, because of you.

You have no idea - the damage you did to me. And you're still doing it. I thought, perhaps I should find the strength to stand up to you one day, but then I realized that a fool cannot be corrected. Why do I call you a fool? Because you cannot be corrected. And if I were to reveal your weaknesses to you, you will only fight back at me, to defend that ego of yours. Your ego. Your hurt. Your hatred. Your unforgiveness.

Why do I let you scold me? Why do I even listen to you? Why do I keep my mouth shut and let you order me around like I'm your slave? You have brought misery upon me as far back as I can remember. Why do you hate me so much? Is it your jealousy?

Since I was young, no one fought for me; not even myself. I sought salvation, and I found none. All I had was hope. Hope that someday, all that misery would end. I sought justice. I found none. I sought healing, but all I had with me was unforgiveness and bitterness towards you. But still I loved you. Even after being slapped by you again, I loved you. Why? Why do you hate me so much? Did I learn slapping from you? Perhaps it's contagious. And my mum never believed in slapping. It's funny we both do.

And you're teaching that girl to hate me. Heck, you're teaching the whole world to hate me. Sometimes I feel like you love me, but sometimes I feel like no one hates me more than you. I'd like to think that it is not you that hates me, but the devil in you. Why do you hate me so much? And why do you try to make everyone else hate me?

You have taught her well. Now she hates me too. That woman I'd like to call a "b@#$%". The way she orders me around - she's just a replica of you. And why do I listen to her? She is not even as old as me, and yet I let her order me around like she was you. In front of everyone, as you two take turns to order me around, I'd just bite my lips and smile. But I'm cursing beneath my breath. And in my heart, my middle finger stands tall.. hah. "F@#$, you, b%&*@.. asshole." were the only words in my vocab at that time, as I obeyed her biddings.

You should just be glad I didn't call you a bitch as well. I wonder why. It's because somewhere in there, I still have respect for you. I will never call you a bitch. But I'd call her one, and rather lash out all my anger on her, instead of on you. Because I know that you have a reason. And secondly, somewhere in there, I know you love me. I know you care. You're just too jealous sometimes, and that jealousy takes over most of the time.. and gradually increases as years go by. But once in a blue moon, you're an angel to me.. and I'd like to think that that's the real you.

You compared me with the other girls my age - in front everyone. As though I had no feelings. Oh, guess what? I didn't have to compare myself with my peers - someone consistently did that for me, and publicly!

For the first few years you did that, you were winning.. because I was still young. Everyone supported you.. Yes, Anna shouldn't dress like a boy.. Anna should dress like the other girls her age.. blah blah blah.. laugh at me in union, jeer, whatever.. ruin my ego. The more you made it obvious to the world that I was tomboy, the harder it was for me to be feminine, even when I dreamed of becoming feminine, because then to become feminine would mean giving in to your mocking. It would seem that I changed just because of you,.. and the credit would go to you and your jeering. Now, I didn't want that.. So even when I wanted to be feminine, I had to act like a tomboy, just so that I wouldn't give in to you. How idiotic. How egoistic of me. How childish.

But I guess I grew up, and I ignored your teasing. Okay, so the teasing couldn't be ignored - they still rung in my ears like it was yesterday, but they had to be pushed aside - I had to choose between my pride and who I was, because I wanted to be feminine so much that I decided to lay my pride down and just did what was in my heart. Femininity won.

As years went by, your jealousy had became so obvious that I couldn't even get hurt by the multitude of your comparisons, but instead, I pitied you. You were so blinded. You couldn't see the rest of our eyes, exchanging glances as you said, "She's much prettier than Anna.. wayyyy prettier... She's just so beautiful, Anna can never compete." What the heck? Who in the first place said that I was pretty? For a moment, you sounded like the devil himself, condemning me directly into my face. ahah.. It was just so devilish. The devil there was just too obvious.. the manifestation of him was just undeniable. It was like he was announcing to the whole world, "Yes, this is Satan speaking."

Everyone saw your jealousy, right there, right then.. I just looked at the audience, big eyed in shock.. as they returned the look. They were all on my side this time round.. =D Thanks for the extra topping of pity from them - I didn't have to ask for that extra love and attention.. Unfortunately, this time, you were just defaming yourself.

I felt like slapping the devil inside you, waking you up from your sleep. It was just so the drama.. I couldn't believe what I heard.. It was too obvious.. sigh. Your jealousy was undeniable.

I was flattered. Seriously. That someone like you could be that jealous of me. And I thought that I respected you.. all these years.. were you actually jealous of me? Hah.. I was honored, really.. I should have started respecting myself too, then, since someone I respected so much had envied me.

What a slap it must've been for you when that lady told everyone that I was beautiful.. ahah.. what a slap in your face it must've been.. And I wasn't even asking God for affirmation on my looks. I mean,.. duh.. what are looks anyway? Beauty is from the heart. But if God wanted to give, He gives. Freely and readily.

I guess that's why you scolded me so badly yesterday.. because just before that, everyone said that I was "so beautiful", I was "unrecognizable". You must've been reaaaallly jealous.. Ahah.. stupid heads.. the both of you were jealous.. now it makes sense. No wonder you two order me around all the time.. I can finally identify myself with Cinderella.. ahahahahaha... and you guys thought I was kidding when I said I felt like Cinderella when I was 7? Well, well.. it's all coming to pass now..

Aahhaha.. even if you wanted to be jealous, you could have been jealous over a girl who was actually pretty.. ahah.. why me? Don't you have any taste? Ahah.. I can't help but to laugh at you.. what low self-esteem you guys must have, in order to be jealous of a "slave" like me? I'm nothing but a "maid".. Hah.. talk about flattery.. tsk tsk tsk.. no comment! XD

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *