Getting started at the finish line

The feeling.. since I graduated, could not be expressed..

and the fact that I cannot explain how I feel, only makes it worse.

because when I cannot tell people how I feel, I cannot share my burden with someone else to help me carry it. And bearing it alone- bearing something I don't understand myself, alone.. is just unbearable.

I cannot explain how I felt.

Today, I was sharing with my mum.. that as soon as I started going out and looking for a job,.. there is this feeling that I cannot explain, and when I was still with Matt, I was trying to explain, but I just couldn't find the words because I didn't know what feeling it was.

All I could say to him was that too many things were happening to me at once - I was sick, my family was moving to Australia without me and I had to grow up and be independent, but that was all I could share, because I myself didn't know what I was going through at that time.

I soon realized that it had nothing to do with my family going off without me.. Now that they are going to Australia and I am going with them, the feeling remains.. and my mum finally gave it a name.. it was a feeling of emptiness..

The feeling of emptiness comes when I feel like there is no purpose left in life, and I soon realized that she was right.. she explained that whatever we do, we have to do it for God, and that when you don't do it for God, then you have the feeling of emptiness,..

She was right. When I was still studying, I knew I was studying for God. I had purpose, but now when I have graduated, and looked for a job in Malaysia at that time, I didn't feel that purpose anymore- because that wasn't what God wanted me to do- God wanted me to go to Australia to pick up Culinary and open a restaurant, I guess..

So I didn't have a godly purpose to stay in Malaysia, and I had this empty feeling to deal with, and I didn't know what it was, I just wanted to break down and cry because I had no one to share with and no one to hear me out. Matt that time was just too young.. he wouldn't have understood what I was going through because he was still studying and all geared up for his studies- he still is.

I had to deal with it.. alone. Emptiness.. it was the lowest point of time in my life when I had to deal with something without a name, at that time,.. and Matt broke up with me.. it only made it worse, I guess.. but at least it gave me my purpose again - at least it got me going to Australia to do culinary - if I still decided to stay, I think I would be fit to be thrown away, like a branch which does not bear fruit is thrown into the fire because it is simply good for nothing.. So my breakup with Matt took away that emptiness, in that sense, but it gave me a different kind of emptiness - I don't think I have to elaborate on that, but it is worth the trade when you have God. I didn't just have God - I had a second family to help me through..

So breaking up with Matt was good in the sense that it got me back onto the right track - the hard way.

I tell you, people,.. listen to my word of advice - just because you don't hear God speaking, or just because you didn't listen carefully, or just because you heard but wasn't sure,.. does not mean that He did not speak and that does not mean that He does not have a plan for you - and therefore, it does not mean that you can just stay where you are "Until you hear from God" and that does not mean that you can "do whatever you want" until you hear God speak. Because He does speak, and as long as what you are doing is not what He wants, you are not in the will of God, whether you know what it is or not.

So don't think that by not hearing the voice of God means that you are free from doing His will. It is our life to find out what His will is, and do it. So if you still don't know what His will is for your life, you are not free of it - you have the obligation to find out.


* tRUST & OBey the LORD *