First off, it's been the shortest year for me - every year seems to get shorter - don't ask why, I have no clue. I guess it's because I'm enjoying a little bit more and more of my life. But the exact things that have caused me joys this year have caused me pains. I now end this wonderful year with a season of trials as I painfully learn from my errors. Everything has left me but in a daze and I honestly don't even want to reflect back on this years' blissful happenings.
To cut the long story short, I've had an amazing year because of a wonderful friend that I was just so caught up with for the past 4 years that I really never realized that this friendship was never from God in the first place. It was a one-sided friendship and he never really thought of me the same way I thought of him. All this while, he was probably just bearing with me. He never really saw me as a best friend although he meant the world to me. I've just been so disillusioned.
Now that I know that I am only a second-class friend, I've decided not to spend so much time with him anymore, not be a 'part of his family' anymore, not go to his house so often anymore. I did speak to his mother about this but she said "Anna, make sure that you don't come here so rarely until you are no more a part of us and until we are not used to you anymore or.. we become nothing but acquaintances." I just grunted. I didn't say anything because I am prepared to let go of everything, even if that means we will be nothing but acquaintances.
How can the very people who mean the world to me end up as an acquaintance? I was driving to PD from KL and I realized that there were a few stops on the way - the Sungai Besi Toll, Kota Kemuning, Nilai, Banting, Seremban, Springhill and then Lukut, which is in PD. I took the roads leading towards Sungai Besi and then realized that I was supposed to follow the signboards heading towards Seremban and Malacca instead of Sungai Besi although Sungai Besi was a milestone. Then I headed towards Kota Kemuning and got trapped somewhere at UPM because I was focused on them instead of Seremban and Malacca.
In the end, the lady at the toll there had to tell me to follow Johore Bharu - she mentioned it twice in Malay, "Follow Johore Bharu; Follow Johore Bharu". It was almost as if she was definite that I would turn aside. She was right. In no time, I saw the sign that said, "Alternate route to Seremban" totally leading me astray from the way that led to Johore Bharu. Then I realized how important messages from my mentors meant to me and I learned to appreciate their advice. Sometimes, I may not understand why they may be so hard on me - keep telling me the same things over and over but now I know - because they are so used to me getting distracted from my real focus - the Cross.
But the biggest lesson of all is that I was so preoccupied with the milestones that I wasted so much time there because I thought that if they were milestones then they would lead me to my destination - but the problem with milestones is that they are not the destination - they might not even be pitstops - they are just landmarks that I have to pass by - something to tell me that I'm heading in the right direction. But when I start to get caught up with them, then that's where my mistake lies - I am so caught up with the signs that You have positioned in my life -the little milestones - the wonderful people that You have put in my life so much that I stop and hang around so long with them that I am totally distracted from my journey - no, my journey was not supposed to end with them. They were just pleasant people You have put in my life to encourage me and to assure me that I am headed in the right direction - that I am following You correctly. I really shouldn't get so caught up until I can't move forward anymore.
For the past 4 years, I have been spending my time with this family who have really enriched my life in so many ways, and they mean so much to me, but really - they are just milestones - they are not my future. I don't have a future with them. You only put them here to bless me but now I have to move on. I cannot think that I will spend the rest of my life with any of them - I will not. It's time I said goodbye.
Yes, the friendship continues, but it is really hard for me at the moment to see them because the pain is just cutting in so deeply. All I can be is just a normal friend. Every time I see him,.. sigh. You know what I mean? All I can be is a good friend, but I really have to learn to control my emotions. Because when I see him I can get disillusioned so easily to think that he thinks of me as such a dear friend, when he actually doesn't. It's just something about him that keeps making me think that he needs me and wants me to be his close friend. That's all untrue. He doesn't need me - it was me who needed him the whole time. He has friends of his own and his computer games - he really doesn't need me and in fact, I wonder if he even realizes that I am gone. When I see the way he treats his REAL friends, I feel like a second-class friend.
To give up this one thing is to give up everything. So here goes everything...
PS: Jesus, take him - he's yours. And when I give, I won't ask back anymore. I know You want my heart and You want all of it. You know how much he means to me, so this is all of it. And there's nothing else in my heart - just this one thing.. it's filled up my whole heart. If You want my heart, I will give it to You - this is not sacrifice - this is merely obedience. I just hope I never fill my heart with anything else again but You because this is the most expensive price I've yet to pay for my mistakes. Please help me - I can't do this on my own. I need You.
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
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