wordsweave.wordpress.com

Anna

I met her again.
This time a little less confident, a little more subdued.
But still the same old trecherous woman.
Running after her phantom affections, leaving behind a stable life of dullness and responsibilities.

Why do you cheat on your prescribed life Anna?
Whether in the pen of Tolstoy or in the text of Bergman,
- you stay fleeting.
Ready to escape at the sight of temptation.
After younger men, who may be passionate,
but are not ready to bear the burden of your guilt and isolation.

What makes you restless in each type of life?
In the nursery of your children,
in the arms of your lover?

‘I am not treacherous,
I only run after the passions
And I seek a life that has force,
but when I follow the force, it pulls me apart.
From everything else, which had some joy in parts.
I hate the burden of choice
for it does not let me reside in the joyous midland
where I can enjoy my passions and still be a part of this world
I only ask why - if world will renounce me for passions
For whom do these passions exist?’

Anna, dear Anna - the freedom of choice visits only once
And when you throw your passions in a lake
Do you have the right to ask for happiness?

- taken from wordsweave.wordpress.com, posted by Madhuri


Okay, so I do not totally identify with the whole poem, but it is, however named after me - coincidence, perhaps..

I do find some truth residing in it. Especially the part where it states that younger men are not ready to bear my guilt and isolation. It opened my eyes to what was true.. to reality. Younger guys are really incapable of sharing such burdens. They simply do not understand. And being men, when you throw something they are unfamiliar with at them, they freak out. Because, like the book, 'Captivating' states, men are generally afraid to fail and they are afraid to deal with something they can't handle. So when ladies pour out their problems at them, they immediately freak out because they feel like they do not have what it takes - sufficient experience, knowledge and understanding, to tackle the problem. And they are afraid of failing and not being able to be the 'hero' which men are supposed to be, to their partners.

I've learned something. I learned that I had to choose. I either get a more mature guy who is able to handle all my problems with understanding, or I get a younger guy who will be totally oblivious to what I have gone through.. Believe it or not, I'd choose the latter. Why? Because however close relationship might sound, having intimacy and all that.. True intimacy with God always comes first. And if you are too dependent on your partner to provide you with all the answers to life, where does that intimacy with God come from? If single girls out there can do it without partners, I believe that I can too.

Look at it this way - don't you think he has his own problems? I know it is impossible for anyone to be problem-free, but you should first settle whatever root problems you have in your life that has to do with inner healing and the major issues(i.e. family problems, childhood rejection issues) which will lead to other problems in life, way before you enter into a new relationship. As for me, I was not ready to be involved in another relationship because I have not dealt with these issues first. And when I did not deal with these issues, I brought them with me into each new relationship, and therefore, I dumped all those problems on whoever I was with. So, in each of my relationships, I complained about my past, about my hurt and rejection, because I have not dealt with them. And all these will lead to other problems - insecurity, jealousy, excessive sensitivity or emoness, if you would; loneliness, etc.

Yes, we are to share our problems with one another, especially with our partners, but 'share', not dump it on them. There is a big difference between sharing and dumping. Let me explain - sharing is just letting someone hear you out, listen and advice. To dump someone your problem is to dump expectations along with that, expecting them to solve at least half of it for you.

And it's when you have expectations, that you will have disappointments, because it won't be long before you realize that your partner is incapable of handling every single problem you dump at him - very incapable, because we are merely human. And the more problems you dump on him, the more expectations you put on him, the more you're destroying his sense of self-confidence because when he finds that he is relatively incapable, you are exposing his weaknesses and incapability, making him shy away from helping you with other problems in the future.

So let's find the point where everything goes wrong - the expectations. Let me make this very clear - you must not have any expectations whatsoever on your partner to solve anything for you. Because it is not his responsibility. He is not obliged to resolve your issues. He is your partner in life, not your father and definitely not your god.

If you desire intimacy with a superior being that is able to settle all your problems for you, trust me, it is not intimacy with a human that you are looking for, but intimacy with God. That is what you have been searching for your whole life, and now that you know what it is your heart aches for, -go for it- go run after intimacy with God, the Superior Being who is able to settle all your problems for you, loves you enough to lay down His life, the only Being you can trust 100% and you totally adore with all you are.

And until and unless you have achieved intimacy with God, you are not prepared for an intimacy with any human because your heart is still craving for first and foremost, intimacy with God. And that passion for intimacy with God cannot possibly be quenched by anything inferior to the Real Thing. It is just not possible. Because that is what our hearts were made for.

Therefore, no matter what relationship you are in, someone's heart will only find dissatisfaction and it will lead to break ups after break ups until both hearts are contented with the Real Thing. Our hearts simply will not be satisfied with each other, because the purpose we were created on this earth - the one longing and the one desire, ever since He first formed us in our mother's womb - was to desire intimacy with the Living God. And it will settle for nothing less.

He first created man on earth to have a relationship with Him. This is man's ultimate goal in life - intimacy with God - nothing else matters more. Just like in Romans say, the spirit groans.. so our heart groans and yearns for 1 thing, and 1 thing only - true intimacy with God. And until the day we die, this will be our heart's greatest desire. And until and unless you have found intimacy with God, you will never, I repeat, never find fulfillment or satisfaction in anything you do in life, not even doing His will.


* tRUST & OBey the LORD *