you don't have to give him the credits for making you a man if he didn't

Hope you don't mind me copy-pasting our conversation here... it's just the intro..

"you just.. don't fancy your dad's way of doing things
and i guess you never want to be like him?
you rather be anything and anyone - as long as you don't become like him

you will never be like him
because you have a choice
to be whoever you choose
he may be your dad
but he's not you

God was a man when He was on earth
and if there is anything lacking, among all the good parts you took from your dad,
you know where to get it from
among all the parts that make a man, a man

so doesnt mean that you're a man means you're anything like your dad
you don't have to give him the credits for making you a man if he didn't"

Some girls get their feminity from their mothers or sisters.. I have no idea where I got mine from.. But I like to think that it is God who deserves that credit.

The Holy Spirit is very much of a woman among the Trinity. And I realize that as woman, we crave to love and be loved. We crave attention, we crave to be noticed and to be admired. We long for all those things, like I read in the book, "Captivating".. yes.. and it is when I read that book, that it openes my eyes to the feminity of God and the woman I am supposed to be in God.

How much of a woman God is in His desire to be loved by us, to be noticed, to talk to us, to listen and to understand. How much of a woman, He is, in His forgiveness and grace; in His healing and most of all, His beauty..

And it is when I realize the femininity of God, that I managed to open up my heart to slowly let others see that part of me. I have to admit - I am still learning to be feminine.

It's not easy. My ego wouldn't let me. I wanted the world to know the damage the women in my life has done to me -no, I cannot be feminine. My ego. My hurt. My hatred. My unforgiveness.

Yesterday, I met her again.. the one who ruined my life. After all those years.. I finally knew the culprit - it was you. The way you talked to me. I felt like slapping you in the face and shouting, "Don't you DARE talk to me like that again!" The way you talked.. the emotion,.. the spirit that came out of you. It was demonic. And you didn't even know it. After all those years - you couldn't see yourself - you were blinded by your own hurts. It made you immature. You never grew up. And when you were blinded, and when you were too proud face your weaknesses and deal with them, you could never change, and you could never be the person God wanted you to be, so that God could use you. That's why God couldn't use you, and you wasted your whole life.

Instead, the devil used you to destroy other people. That intimidating spirit inside of you caused you to put fear in others and to crush their innerman. To break down their confidence and self-esteem, like the way you crushed mine. The devil came to steal, kill and to destroy. And he used you to destroy me. All because you couldn't face your own hurts and rejection. I wish someone ministered to you when you were still young, so that I wouldn't be who I am today, because of you.

You have no idea - the damage you did to me. And you're still doing it. I thought, perhaps I should find the strength to stand up to you one day, but then I realized that a fool cannot be corrected. Why do I call you a fool? Because you cannot be corrected. And if I were to reveal your weaknesses to you, you will only fight back at me, to defend that ego of yours. Your ego. Your hurt. Your hatred. Your unforgiveness.

Why do I let you scold me? Why do I even listen to you? Why do I keep my mouth shut and let you order me around like I'm your slave? You have brought misery upon me as far back as I can remember. Why do you hate me so much? Is it your jealousy?

Since I was young, no one fought for me; not even myself. I sought salvation, and I found none. All I had was hope. Hope that someday, all that misery would end. I sought justice. I found none. I sought healing, but all I had with me was unforgiveness and bitterness towards you. But still I loved you. Even after being slapped by you again, I loved you. Why? Why do you hate me so much? Did I learn slapping from you? Perhaps it's contagious. And my mum never believed in slapping. It's funny we both do.

And you're teaching that girl to hate me. Heck, you're teaching the whole world to hate me. Sometimes I feel like you love me, but sometimes I feel like no one hates me more than you. I'd like to think that it is not you that hates me, but the devil in you. Why do you hate me so much? And why do you try to make everyone else hate me?

You have taught her well. Now she hates me too. That woman I'd like to call a "b@#$%". The way she orders me around - she's just a replica of you. And why do I listen to her? She is not even as old as me, and yet I let her order me around like she was you. In front of everyone, as you two take turns to order me around, I'd just bite my lips and smile. But I'm cursing beneath my breath. And in my heart, my middle finger stands tall.. hah. "F@#$, you, b%&*@.. asshole." were the only words in my vocab at that time, as I obeyed her biddings.

You should just be glad I didn't call you a bitch as well. I wonder why. It's because somewhere in there, I still have respect for you. I will never call you a bitch. But I'd call her one, and rather lash out all my anger on her, instead of on you. Because I know that you have a reason. And secondly, somewhere in there, I know you love me. I know you care. You're just too jealous sometimes, and that jealousy takes over most of the time.. and gradually increases as years go by. But once in a blue moon, you're an angel to me.. and I'd like to think that that's the real you.

You compared me with the other girls my age - in front everyone. As though I had no feelings. Oh, guess what? I didn't have to compare myself with my peers - someone consistently did that for me, and publicly!

For the first few years you did that, you were winning.. because I was still young. Everyone supported you.. Yes, Anna shouldn't dress like a boy.. Anna should dress like the other girls her age.. blah blah blah.. laugh at me in union, jeer, whatever.. ruin my ego. The more you made it obvious to the world that I was tomboy, the harder it was for me to be feminine, even when I dreamed of becoming feminine, because then to become feminine would mean giving in to your mocking. It would seem that I changed just because of you,.. and the credit would go to you and your jeering. Now, I didn't want that.. So even when I wanted to be feminine, I had to act like a tomboy, just so that I wouldn't give in to you. How idiotic. How egoistic of me. How childish.

But I guess I grew up, and I ignored your teasing. Okay, so the teasing couldn't be ignored - they still rung in my ears like it was yesterday, but they had to be pushed aside - I had to choose between my pride and who I was, because I wanted to be feminine so much that I decided to lay my pride down and just did what was in my heart. Femininity won.

As years went by, your jealousy had became so obvious that I couldn't even get hurt by the multitude of your comparisons, but instead, I pitied you. You were so blinded. You couldn't see the rest of our eyes, exchanging glances as you said, "She's much prettier than Anna.. wayyyy prettier... She's just so beautiful, Anna can never compete." What the heck? Who in the first place said that I was pretty? For a moment, you sounded like the devil himself, condemning me directly into my face. ahah.. It was just so devilish. The devil there was just too obvious.. the manifestation of him was just undeniable. It was like he was announcing to the whole world, "Yes, this is Satan speaking."

Everyone saw your jealousy, right there, right then.. I just looked at the audience, big eyed in shock.. as they returned the look. They were all on my side this time round.. =D Thanks for the extra topping of pity from them - I didn't have to ask for that extra love and attention.. Unfortunately, this time, you were just defaming yourself.

I felt like slapping the devil inside you, waking you up from your sleep. It was just so the drama.. I couldn't believe what I heard.. It was too obvious.. sigh. Your jealousy was undeniable.

I was flattered. Seriously. That someone like you could be that jealous of me. And I thought that I respected you.. all these years.. were you actually jealous of me? Hah.. I was honored, really.. I should have started respecting myself too, then, since someone I respected so much had envied me.

What a slap it must've been for you when that lady told everyone that I was beautiful.. ahah.. what a slap in your face it must've been.. And I wasn't even asking God for affirmation on my looks. I mean,.. duh.. what are looks anyway? Beauty is from the heart. But if God wanted to give, He gives. Freely and readily.

I guess that's why you scolded me so badly yesterday.. because just before that, everyone said that I was "so beautiful", I was "unrecognizable". You must've been reaaaallly jealous.. Ahah.. stupid heads.. the both of you were jealous.. now it makes sense. No wonder you two order me around all the time.. I can finally identify myself with Cinderella.. ahahahahaha... and you guys thought I was kidding when I said I felt like Cinderella when I was 7? Well, well.. it's all coming to pass now..

Aahhaha.. even if you wanted to be jealous, you could have been jealous over a girl who was actually pretty.. ahah.. why me? Don't you have any taste? Ahah.. I can't help but to laugh at you.. what low self-esteem you guys must have, in order to be jealous of a "slave" like me? I'm nothing but a "maid".. Hah.. talk about flattery.. tsk tsk tsk.. no comment! XD

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

44 years more to live?

I just finished playing a new board game with Elijah and Sarah, 'Puerto Rico". I won.

I literally slept through the first half an hour or so while Elijah read the instructions on how to actually play the game.. it was 100% complicated. So if you thought settlers was even a little complex, trust me - it was no match to this game. In fact, this game didn't even use a dice like Settlers - no luck, pure brains. So Settlers was a little like Monopoly in fact - 25% brains, 75% luck. Puerto Rico was 100% brains and 0% heart. Lol!

It was our first time playing, and I have to admit that I didn't do it on my own - took some advice from Sarah and Elijah. Thanks to Elijah for all his sabotages as well.. oh well.. he wasted all my doubloons I could have earned from selling my coffee!!! Arghhh~!!!! >=\

Sorry for the jargon,.. but anyways,.. learnt some lessons on life.. The game ended as soon as we finally understood it.. just before the climax,.. I won. ..what an interesting way to end =.= (and I didn't even get a chance to use those large newly built Indigo factories *sobz..)

After the game ended, I asked them, "How come you didn't buy the large buildings?" (the Large buildings were like.. the best way to earn the most Victory Points).

But they replied that they wanted to build so many other things, that they didn't even bother finding out what these large buildings did.. They focused so much on developing their cities, buying more warehouses, factories, markets.. and they didn't think that the game would have ended that soon.. So all these time in the game, they were developing themselves and dreaming big, preparing for something so big that never came, because time was slipping away, and they were not aware of it.

Many times in life, we dream big and plan ahead.. a little too much for what we can do within this short period of time. I know this sounds weird coming from Anna, for Anna is one that is.. a dreamer.. I love to dream. I always believe that there is nothing too big for God to handle.

It's not that I don't believe God can do big things - He can. And I still believe with all my heart. What I am saying is.. we don't know how short life is. Life is short. And we should be more down to earth sometimes. It's okay to plan ahead and dream big, just don't merely plan. We have to see what we have right now and use it. If we think we really have all the time in the world, I'm sorry to burst your bubbles today, but we don't.

Think about it - how many years of our lives do we actually spent learning and developing ourselves for the rest of our lives? How many years do we spent on education alone? 5 years? no.. 10 years? no.. then? 20 years? no.. more than 20 years.

And then, we're still not done.. we have to be retrained so that we can be properly equipped for the workforce.. another few years before we are considered 'experienced' and 'seasoned' just to uphold a single position in any company. And that can be many more years, depending on the company. The bigger the company you work for, the more years of experience is required for one position. Some positions in some companies require up to 8-10 years experience in order to be eligible for that position. Some more..

What I am trying to say is.. we dream. And we want so many things in life. We want to build the largest food chain, yet we want to build a chain of hotels, and we also want to franchise a boutique clothes shop. Not forgetting the factories and interior designing companies. Oh, and most importantly.. the schools I want to build in both developed and under developed countries.. (I am mostly referring to myself, aren't I?)

Yes, I dream.. but look at my life and look at the time I have left - the clock is ticking. And I seriously thought I had a whole life ahead of me when I graduate, and yes, I still believe I do. But it is important to realize it now before it is too late, that the amount of time and the opportunities I have only come once. And time only crosses our paths once, and they never come back. Time lost, no one can get back. My mum used to give me advice on time so many times.. and I always thought I understood what she meant, but today when I play that game and realize how something we have been building up for so long may end so abruptly,.. I start to ponder, really.. about life.

We spent the first 30 years of our lives trying to be good enough to live out the next 25 years and finally realize that we don't have much time left.. 55 is the age of retirement, and if you want to console yourself that the age of retirement is 60, then you may very well do so, but don't deceive yourself - it's just another 5 years.. so you have 30 years to accomplish everything you have been preparing for the first 30 years of your life. And mind you, time passes by faster everyday, as we grow up. Haven't you heard of the phrase, "And already, another year is gone.."

This has been something I wondered about while I was in Ipoh too, as I heard this song on the radio..

I'm 15 for a moment caught in between 10 and 20 and I'm just dreamin',

countin' the ways to where you are.
I'm 22 for a moment and she feels better than ever and we're on fire, making our way back from Mars.

15, there's still time for you,

Time to buy and time to lose,

15, there's never a wish better than this,
When you only got a hundred years to live. . .

I'm 33 for a moment still the man but you see I'm a "they,"

A kid on the way babe, a family on my mind.
I'm 45 for a moment, the sea is high and I'm headin' into a crisis, chasin' the years of my life,

15, there's still time for you,

Time to buy and time to lose yourself within a morning star.
15, I'm alright with you,

15, there's never a wish better than this,
When you only got a hundred years to live. . .

Half time goes by suddenly you're wise,

Another blink of an eye 67 is gone, the sun is gettin' high,
We're movin' on. . .

I'm 99 for a moment, dyin' for just another moment and I'm just dreamin',
Counting the ways to where you are.

15, there's still time for you,

22, I feel her too,

33, you're on your way,
Every day's a new day...

15, there's still time for you,

Time to buy and time to choose,

Hey 15! There's never a wish better than this,
When you only got a hundred years to live. .

But keep it real, people.. we DON'T have a hundred years to live.. average life for both men and woman in Malaysia is 70.6 years.. For those of you in other countries, you can look your country up on this [table] . Quoted from the article attached, "Currently, the worldwide life expectancy for all people is 64.3 years but for males it's 62.7 years and for females life expectancy is 66 years, a difference of more than three years. The sex difference ranges from four to six years in North America and Europe to more than 13 years between men and women in Russia."

..so keep it real, keep it short, always count your days.. and look to God.

P/s: I should really spend more time with my parents..

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Ipoh with two ham sup chaiz..[to be edited]

Eh, guess what? That day holiday, went to Ipoh with Likee and his gay partner - Jeffrey.. lol! =P ahah.. went and got my CJ7!! Ahhh!!! So happieeee... :D

ahahha.. it was RM12.90.. eheheh.. and its the same as the RM19.90 one, just that it wasn't smiling.. :( awwhhh...

but newayz.. I'm so happy I could buy it for Andrew.. ahh.. my erm.. real bro yet not real. ahahahhah... okayz.. I'm crapping again.. =.='

Anyway,.. went there because LikEe, la.. he said his dad got brain tumor, so need encouragement, then we go - mana tau his dad already finish op and all fine and well =.= he was just looking for an excuse to kidnap a few people to Ipoh.. again.

Well, he plans to go again sometime early May, like.. really early May because I'll be leaving for Aussie on the 5th of May.. so, oh well.. seems like I'm gonna miss everyone here.. not many people, though.. mainly my second family and CF people.. mainly, la.. and a few church people.. like Shela, Ah Mic and Mei Mei Stephanie.. love them so much.. oh well.. oh, and Gene.. and some online friends, like Rue.. hmmm.. who else? Well.. yes, I'm a loner, so that's about it la.

Anyways.. went to Ipoh, I ate..erm... Ipoh Chicken Rice for Dinner!!! And guess what?~! Nope, you would NOT believe it - LikEe actually, actually paid!!! mwhahhahaha... no, we did NOT trick him into doing it - he actually had the heart to ~ *sob.. how touchin'... haha.. no la, before I decided to come, he actually said that transport costs RM50 both ways and he'll belanja all the makan.. ahah.. so it's more like he tricked us into doing it, not the other way around, because he did NOT belanja all the makan.. lol! In fact, the last meal, I belanja him back one.. hahaha..

Erm.. Sightseeing.. well.. Likee brought us to two places - erm.. the olde olde train station (don't ask why) and the Japanese Garden or something like that (don't ask either).. summore the Japanese Garden so many mosquitoes.. *sob... And landed up I am the one getting bitten all over... :(

Old train station - got some weird pics for you guys.. and I mean WEIRD... ahahah... see for yourself..

Then to the park.. took a few more pics..

erm.. the most 'profitable' thing we did there was to visit the hospital and actually visit his mom.. sighh.. but we only spent like what? less than an hour a visit? lol! Oh, and guess what? Likee loves his mum like crazy, kay? If I didn't know it was his mom, I'd probably think it was his wife, no, not because Likee is old or nething, but because of the way he treats her - so super er... romantic. Lol! :P

No kidding.. see for yourself.



He pets her, hugs her, kisses her all over.. oh boy.. you don't wanna know.. but oh well, since it's his mom, I shall conclude that Likee is a good example to follow, so yes.. that's the way to go, man~ *clap clap clap...

Okay, so what else? Ah yes, CJ7,.. ahhahahaha... next day went to Parade.. finally.. and Likee cannot find parking or rather,.. didn't wanna do side parking. lol! so ended up he paid RM2 parking outside.. and blame it on me... you can't put the blame on me.. can't put the blame on me.. noticed I said "can't", not "can" lol!!!

so we went to 3 different shops.. looking for it...



and finally found it, but like I said earlier.. it wasn't smiling.. awhhh.. so if anyone knows where I can get a smiling CJ7, please lemme know.. I might actually wanna buy another one! lol! no la,.. I think that would be greed.. :P I also bought the cute little handphone assessory thingy.. ahhh.. so cute!!!

One of the shops actually had this many big CJ7s!!!


Oh, oh,.. and guess what? I also took a vid in the car of my lovely lovely CJ7 dancing!! ehehehhehe... so cute la.. makes me happy! :) I wish I could let you guys have a look.. ahahah.. no idea if I can, but I shall try~



so on the way back, slept again... so nice, you know, being the only girl on that trip - I get all the attention!! mwhahahahhahaha... feel like a princess suddenly.. I suddenly realize why I don't like to hang around with girls - because I always wanna be the only girl.. mwhahhaha!!! so yes, yes.. I was treated nicely there.. ^^ no competition..

brought my guitar all the way there, with all the song books but never used it! Well at least I managed to get it tuned by Jeffrey, so yea.. guess I brought it there for something... oh, did you guys know that Jeffrey can actually play? yea.. didn't think so either..

Oh, in the car, those two ham sup chaiz were singing "We are the champion" by Queens, at the top of their lungs! And they woke me up .. Bleargh!

Okay, anyways,.. ah, yes.. cost. Going there was like RM24.80 and coming back was,.. no, you won't believe it either - RM15.80^^ not bad, eh? =) Love the cost.

Oh,.. not to forget something really important - we passed a billboard that said..


JORAM.. eh, no.. Jeram, sorry.. lolz! ^^

And guess what? Jeffrey's car is like covered in Liverpool assessories, kay.. He has this..



and this..



and this...



and when I was done hunting for my dear CJ7, he actually went hunting for more Liverpool stuff.. goodness..

Oh.. one more thing - something very important! We dedicated a song to Likee on the way back - it's called 'Desperado' by Juwita Suwito, and went something like..

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You've been out riding fences for so long now
Oh you're a hard one but I know that you've got your reasons
These things that are pleasin' you will hurt you somehow

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
She'll beat you if she's able
The queen of hearts is always your best bet
Now it seems to me some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get

Desperado, you know you ain't gettin' younger
Your pain and your hunger they're driving you home
And freedom, oh freedom, now that's just some people talkin'
You're a prisoner walking thru this world all alone

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
You're losing all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gates
It may be raining but there's a rainbow up above you
You'd better let somebody love you before it's too late

Actually, there are a lot of other people I wanna dedicate this song to, like.. erm.. names I shall not mention here.. ahhaha.. nvm...

So, a toast, to all the desperados out there.. may you find someone tailormade to suit you.. and as for me.. ahh.. I shall sing this song to you!

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

.: You † bore my pain :.

Today was interesting - Good Friday. The past 1 month has been.. painful. And I take today as a point of change for me (that's what I kept saying every few days or so anyways) but I believe that sometimes we have to take little changes.. bit by bit.. depending on the person and the situation.. sometimes, we just need one big blast of change, and we're changed forever - it depends on the person's readiness. So I guess letting go this time wasn't so easy..

Anyway, I had a revelation - again.. Today was Good Friday, so guess where I was at night? -yea, church. My dad preached on communion and about partaking His body and blood, that we shall abide in Him, and His life will be in us. And that we should take it as often as we meet. He shared the testimony of a lady in Mexico called Anna.. (^^) and she was used by God powerfully there as a prophet and all.. and she had a 10 years old daughter who fell into the pool and broke her neck, and died. And Anna took her body and commanded life to come into her daughter, and the little girl came back to life, and was healed just as before. They asked her, what her secret was, and she said, 'Communion'. She said she believed that as she took it, the life of Jesus abides in her, and she took it with her family everyday. She said that's why she has the life to impart - because of communion.

Anyway, as I was saying, I was hurting real bad for weeks, on and off.. sometimes it'd be.. lonely and pain, sometimes I'd be fine.. and sometimes I'd be happy, then sometimes, I'd be zombie.. especially the first few weeks.. but reading the book helped me out of my zombieness.. thanks to Aunty Lily again.. can't stop thanking her for the lovely book.. kinda saved me in every way.

Anyway, the revelation was that He took my pain, and since I took the communion today, I believe that I won't feel the pain anymore because Jesus already bore my pain on the cross. So I'm fine now :) Praise God! *Anna doesn't hurt anymore*

It's the communion.

So next time I go through a break up again (hopefully not).. but if I have to go through this again, bring it on.. cause I won't feel the pain anymore. Jesus took my pain and bore it for me 2000 years ago. Bring it on!!!

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

1 month's anniversary

I just realized it has been 1 month since Matt broke up with me^^ Come, let's celebrate! Cheers to all the hurting hearts out there :) ..you're not alone - you've got me! =D

No, I was just kidding- seriously.. Okay..

Lord, here's a moment to thank You for:

• a second chance - to straighten up, aligning my path with Your will for my life^^ Thank You so much for a second chance, I couldn't thank You enough.. if You have let me gone ahead with this relationship, I would have missed out on the rest of my life with You, doing Your will - going to Aus. And there is nothing, I repeat, nothing, that can replace a life spent with You and doing Your will.
  
  
• two families - that although this relationship didn't work out, I still had a new pair of parents I prayed for, and an additional younger bro included into that package - this temporary relationship was so worth it. I would have done it all again, if I get to keep this wonderful package^^
  
  My natural family - if I went ahead with this relationship, I don't think I would get to keep my current family in the future because Matt doesn't really like them - thanks to my bad mouthing my own family - a high price to pay. But because the relationship didn't work out, guess what - I'm stuck wif 'em. I guess Aussie would be a good chance for me to really rebuild my bonds with them. And learn to love 'em.. and stop bad mouthing them!!
  
  
• the experience - although I believe that experience doesn't necessarily mean increased maturity. In this case, I'll let God be the judge. I don't know if I have learned anything and matured from this relationship, but I know that what the book said ('How to deal with your broken heart' by Susan Tang) is right in the last page, where it says that our lives are broken so that it may be poured out for others. Like the five loaves and two fish that were broken into so many pieces - I know this experience I have gained will help many more broken hearts one day :) At least I can say, "been there, done that!" and yes, "you're not alone." ^^
  
  
• happy memories - the relationship brought memories.. happy memories, but I shall not talk about them. It's just not right to talk about them. One thing, I have to admit - 'It is easier to give up than to let go' (by Anna). Giving up on the relationship is easy, but letting the person go isn't..
  
  And it's not easy forgetting nice memories.. It's hard to even want to forget them.. The hard part about letting go someone is the memories.. When you want to 'let go everything to God, it includes the nice memories as well, and nice memories are harder to let go, because they're so nice to keep..
  
  But when we keep nice memories, that's when 'false hope' appears - 'false hope' is created by nothing but the desire for something you cannot have. And happy memories intensifies that desire, which gives birth to 'false hope'. This is why letting go of happy memories play such an important part in letting go a person.
  
  So, as soon as you let go of happy memories, you kill that false hope permanently.
  
  Nevertheless, I thank God they were mostly happy memories, and not sad, because then I would have to deal with something else - hurt and rejection issues, which intensifies self-hatred and.. gives birth to sin in the long-run. The process is kind of long-winded - don't even get me started.
  
  So, thank You, Lord for happy memories instead of sad ones - although there were a few sad ones here and there, but those were less than 10% to me.. and I am not letting the devil use that 10% to ruin my life - although he is trying to.
  
  Oh, and I could already imagine the mess God and I would have to clear up if there were 90% sad memories instead! Thank You, Lord, for sparing me that agony.. I guess You didn't let me go through with it because I probably wouldn't have made it back onto my feet - by then, I would be good for nothing but to be crushed and burned.. because I am already having a hard time to get over happy memories - how much more effort I would need and how much stronger I would have needed to be if they were sad memories!
  
  
• Your grace - I've failed You so many times, but Your love for me - it never fails. I don't deserve Your grace. I have forsaken You too many times.. and You never forsook me once. I have gone astray from You too often - and I don't even know how You can accept me back. I don't deserve it.
  

But I just want to say thank You, Jesus. Thank You, Daddy.. Thank You, Holy Spirit.. I love You..

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

I Believe .:: Lenny LeBlanc

Like a ship on troubled waters
Many sail alone
Mothers weep for sons and daughters
And pray they will come home
For soon it will be harvest time
And all the storms will pass
O what joy I'll find
When I see You at last

You are my resting place
Along the narrow highway
You are my bridge
Across the open sea
You are my Savior
And my passageway to Heaven
O Jesus I believe in You
O Jesus I believe

Father You have seen my struggles
And You have known my fears
But Lord You've been so faithful
To wipe away my tears
So when the world laughs at me
And says I'm just a fool
I will bow my knee
And worship only You

I believe You are the only answer
To life's questions
Lord help me keep my heart
In the right direction



Treat her right ::. Lenny LeBlanc

A lot of people breaking hearts these days
Giving up and just walking away
Forever's just another word
That you hear young lovers say
I know it may be old fashioned, but I still believe
Love stays when the strong winds blow
Even when it hurts, don't let go

Chorus
You've got to treat her right, understand
That she's your woman and you're her man
Tell her that you need her
Like the desert needs the rain
And if you treat her right, show her you care
When you need her she'll be there
Like an island in the storm, a beacon in the night
If you love her, treat her right

A good woman ain't easy to find
The faithful and the loving kind
And if you don't hold her tight
She'll slip right through your hands
Love gives more than it takes
So be willing for her sake
Stand by her when the strong winds blow
Even when it hurts, don't let go

Chorus

She's your best friend and your lover
So if you want to keep her
Take good care of her

If you treat her right, show her you care
When you need her, she'll be there
Like an island in the storm, a beacon in the night
If you love her treat her right

Treat her right
Treat her right




In this album, I also like 'Silent Stars' ^^ :)


* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

LikEe's howse...

I'm in LikEe's room.. no, not the one in Ipoh, the one here in DJ la.. he is having his bath.. God knows what I am doing here la.. you know, la.. this LikEe everytime want to go home and bath only - like nothing better to do =.= Now I have to wait for him pulak.

Later going out to celebrate Kenny's birthday.. Happy burfday, Mr.Ken!!!^^ You are older now! :)

Oh.. he is out.. yay.. I am stoning here. That beef asked me to charge his phone for him summore - shouting from the toilet, somemore raining so loud outside, how I know he is calling me la.. all I hear is people shouting like a maniac in the bafoom.. how I know it is my name, leh? ...beef.

Ah.. XiYing, XiYing.. can't wait to see you, baby.. you light my fire.

So actually the plan is something like this: we were going to Wai Sek Kai.. then in the end decided to go to 1U because Sexy is there.. but then Sexy dowan 1U.. she want WSK, and then go pasar malam after that, so I can buy my beloved CJ7 for Andrew.. awhh.. yea.. whatevah.. I saw Ryan playing with it, and it looked just so adorable,.. made me think of Andrew - Matt's bro.. ahah.. manja him le.. the only so called real yet not real bro I have.. anywayz.. yeah so in the end, since raining so we decided to go to 1U again.. so don't know if I can find an affordable CJ7 there or not.. that time Ebbie said that it costed her RM19.90 or something.. so.. argh.. hope for the best, la..

Till then, Adios~! ;)

p/s: Had lunch with LikEe and his colleagues today.. ahah.. found a cheap place oppo Jaya 1 - FINALLY!.. argh.. he is chasing me off... bye


* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Come Back Home - Apple

lately in this journey
with the battles in the way
i have fought with my own might
though unguarded by the light

ive fallen once again
to the pit that once held me
so i looked up and cried
please take me back to the light

coz i wanna come back home
in Your arms where im secured
im tired of living with these worries
im tired of fearing all day long
now i wanna give my all
and surrender to You
just wana live a life
the way it was when im with You

now im alone in the room
with no one left to bother
no faces to see
no voices to hear

but deep in my heart
where there's an empty space that keeps me
its Your face i wanna see
its Your voice i long to hear

i know it wont be easy
to let You take away
the life that ive held on
for so long
but i'll take this one big step
and let You take my all
and leave the rest to You


* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Let You find me in the desert

Not let me find You.

Many times, we thought that it was Moses who found the burning bush- no. It was God who found Moses. Why? Because Moses was busy taking care of the sheep- he was not looking for anything. Then, he spotted the burning bush - he did not go into the desert in search of a burning bush or God - no. He was not praying and fasting, asking God to show him a sign or what His purpose was for his life, no. But it was God who was searching for a man to lead His people out of Egypt- and God found Moses, out of the desert.

It is just so different to think that it was You who came and found him. Throughout history, it was You who took the initiative, You who made the first move, You who came to the rescue. And now it is always You who comes for me, to find me when I am alone..

So, let You find me in the desert, Lord. Come, and find me.

Other than this point in my life which is a desert for me, geographically, Australia is a desert also.. I remember specifically, my sister's prophecy about God leading her into the desert, and how it could be interpreted as Australia in a way, which is a desert and also financially a desert period for her family. So, yes, God is leading me into the desert as well.. and He will lead me out. He will find me there.. and call me out to fulfill His purposes when I am ready. When He is looking for someone, He will look for me.

Here am I, Lord.. send me^^

You know, when I am in a time of disappointment, it's when I need to think of His grace to me.. instead of asking God why He didn't do this or that for us, instead of looking at the things we want but cannot have, think about all the wrong things we did in the past and ask ourselves.. do we even deserve salvation? And He gave us grace, forgiveness.. and who are we to ask for more? His grace is enough.. His love is enough.. how can we ask for anything more?

It suddenly dawned upon me that even if I were to be a cleaner for the rest of my life, it is worth it because at least I have eternal life- as least I have His grace and His love - even that I do not deserve. What right do I have to ask Him for anything? Do I actually deserve the things I ask for? The only thing I deserve is condemnation and hell fire, that I am aware of.. and I don't deserve anything else. But now I am redeemed and have salvation. What more do I want? What do I have the right to ask for?



* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Working days

I am currently taking two part time jobs - one as an / customer service and another one as an invigilator. The admin assistant / customer service one is in Jaya One, and the invigilator is in Technology Park Malaysia.

Customer Service cum Admin assistant



Lunch : Ate there twice.. once at Jaya Noodle House, and my lunch costed me RM7.30, excluding tax for a not-so-nice chicken rice.. the second time I ate there was at Secret Recipe, cost me like another RM6.50 or something for a black pepper lamb pie (dare not order something too expensive or it will cost more than my one hour's pay! lol!) =\ feel so poor suddenly.. But I have to express my gratitude to Aunty Lily- Matt's mom for asking me over for lunch every other day I worked there..

Thank you so much,.. your food tastes great.. I love coming over and spending time with you guys.. thank you.. you have helped me so much,.. so much more than I can ask for.. especially when Matt broke up with me, you were there for me.. thanks for all the advice, and stories and the book.. thanks for the songs also.. thanks for everything.. I cannot explain how much you guys meant to me and what you've done for me.. I wish I can repay you guys back, somehow... you guys are like the family I always dreamed of having.. I just love the amount of attention I get when I come over.. and Andrew is like the younger brother I've always wanted..(although Matt may not seem to think so^^) but naughty is cute sometimes..

I treat Andrew more like a real brother than any of my other pet bros I have.. I don't know why.. Maybe because I used to be like him too.. just like I used to be like Matt..


Job description : Making >100 phone calls to clinics a day, asking them if they have started using the web based system or manual forms. If they haven't started using the web based online system, they should start =.='

Other than that, I also put stamps on about 2000 letters to all the clinics, informing them that we have moved, and a few other updates.. I have to fill up each letter with 5 A4 papers and 1 postcard with their new address^^ love the stamping, though..


Invingilator @ Exam Site Coordinator (ESC.. lol!)



Work Time : 8am - 5pm
Venue : Jaring Building, Enterprise 1, Technology Park Malaysia
Salary : RM100/day but don't tell people that..

Lunch : Normally ta pau.. ahah.. first day, ate while invigilating.. lol!! eating at the back of the training room here.. shhh...
and then second day, ate in the car.. lol!! hot like anything..
then today fourth day.. ate outside the room at the staff area there.. cold like nething!! :P

but on the third day, I was supposed to go out and find Asaph.. because Asaph works in TPM, Enterprise 4. And he used to brag about his Cafeteria.. he boasted that his chicken chop there only RM5.50.. ahah.. but sadly now that I can actually eat from there, it's already RM7, but oh well.. still cheap^^ In the end, I ate Mee Rebus, la. it was only RM3.50.. lol! Brought Sunitha there too - she is my colleague^^

Talking about finding the cafeteria.. whoah.. you won't know what a person can do within a 1 hour lunch break, my dear blog-readers.. lol!! :) Until now, I feel the satisfaction deepening.. ahahahh... *smug face*

Okay, la.. I shall tell you.. I took off with Sunitha, drove from Jaring building to Enterprise 4, which is still in TPM, to where Asaph works.. Asaph, actually said that his office is on the 5th floor, but since the sms was so long ago, I didn't realize that he was answering two different questions.. the first was, where was his office and the second was, where is the cafeteria.. the sms was something like this..

"Yes.. On level 5.. The cafe is at the end of the whole building.."





* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

I Dance .::. Lenny LeBlanc

I just love the whole Above All CD..



When I'm alone with You, Lord
My troubles seem to disappear
And the peace that comforts me
Always comes when You are near
And Your love's too much for my heart to contain
Joy too much that my feet won't refrain

So I dance like the rain on the roof
Tell my soul that my spirit's on the loose
Don't know if anyone will understand
Feels like an angel's got a hold of my hand
So I dance
I dance I dance I dance


When I think about the ways
That You have blessed my life
I sing a song of praise and thankful tears fill my eyes
'Cause Your love's too much for my heart to contain
Joy too much that my feet won't refrain

So I dance like the rain on the roof
Tell my soul that my spirit's on the loose
Don't know if anyone will understand
Feels like an angel's got a hold of my hand
So I dance
I dance I dance I dance



* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Girls...=\

< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
oh
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
trust me
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
she could b really sensitive at times
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
pms gua
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
=/
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
yea maybe
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
my bf was rather freaked out with me also
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
a few times in fact
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
and it was his parents that stood on my side and defended me
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
he actually told me that he was freaked out
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
and when he was freaked out, i just feel like he doesnt love me anymore
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
and it makes me freaked out too
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
lol
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
really
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
i was trying really hard to control
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
i juz would avoid her thinking dat i dun care about her
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
girls arent always rational
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
thats something you have to understand
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
juz a lil disturbed when im concern it makes her think im controling
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
guys are creatures of brains and girls are creatures of feelings
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
we do things according to feelings most of the time
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
that makes us different from guys
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
lol
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
oh well, maybe i dun understand gurls at all
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
i hate to say this but i may sound really rational at times
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
and other times my feelings just take over
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
no, she is not the only girl, remember that
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
she is not the only one who will freak you out
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
every other girl is like that
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
you just dont know them well enough to see that side of them
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
its when you get close to a girl, that they reveal their inside thoughts to you and then you realize how much they are compelled by their feelings
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
but other girls like me, we don't show you that side because we aren't close enough yet
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
lol
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
yea
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
but i didnt make a big fuss
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
i kept quiet
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
=(
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
all a girl like her needs is a guy with lots of patience
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
and she's really lucky
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
or maybe unlucky cuz i dun understand her dat well
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
=S
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
guys need to reason things out most of the time
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
but girls, well.. sometimes reasoning is not enough
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
as long as they know that no matter how freaked out they were, you believed in them and trusted them , and stayed on with them, and love them,
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
thats whats important
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
sometimes a girl just wants to be honest and pour out all their expressions and feelings at you
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
just to see if you can take it
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
to see if you can handle them or not
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
whether you have what it takes
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
to be their support when they are emotionally unstable
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
because if you freak out then one day, when they really are unstable, you can't be there to support them
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
they have to know how much you can take
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
thats why girls like older guys most of the time
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
because older guys normally can take more
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
because they are more matured and more patient
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
ahah
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
darn
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
im too young
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
hahaha
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
well, you took it well
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
we all learn from experiences
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
just because youre young doesnt mean that youre less mature
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
you're very mature for your age
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
ahah
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
nah
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
im far from reaching maturity
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
so much more to learn
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
haha
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
yes we all are far
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
okay, time to sleep
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
take good care of her
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
be patient and hear things out
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
dont throw back at her
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
and dont stop affirming her of your love
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
thats all a girl needs to know sometimes
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
especially in the midst of misunderstandings
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
just take it like a test
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
to see how much you can take
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
alright!
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
because she's not the only one who needs to know how much you can take
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
you also need to know, right
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
itz a great advice
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
thanks
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
dats something i really need to know
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
=)
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
hehe
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
no prob
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
i'd love to be here for you guys
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
anytime, ya
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
ahah
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
yeap!
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
nite
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
great having u around
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
=D
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
nite nite
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
thanks
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
sweet dreams!
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
take good care aite!
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
well... at least someone appreciates my existance
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
lol
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
nite nite
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
ahah
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
im sure everyone does
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
they juz dun show it
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
=)
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
^^
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
u play an important role my dear
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
=)
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
:)

Getting all hyped up about Australia

Here, lemme give you some highlights about me going to Australia - N.D is there.. Who is N.D? Well, he is my ex-classmate when I was 14.. lol! He was my first gay-friend.. lol! Yes, I literally mean gay, not Paul gay kinda gay, but the real one.. lol! Used to come up to me and say things like, "Anna,.. I think I'm gay.. help me! Will I go to hell???" And I would answer something like,.. "Yeap! :D"

Okaylar.. so anyway,.. he ain't gay no more.. I hope.. but well, it's been ages since I saw him, so yeah.. kinda miss him de.. as a friend la (what are you guys thinking, man? Okay, just for the record, when I say I 'miss' a guy, it's not what you think it is, kay? I said I will remain single forevah, so yeah.. it's not what you think it is, and it will never be anymore.. I ain't going to fall into that trap again!) So yeah.. I miss him la.. can't wait to see him.. reminds me of the good olde days when I was all spiritual and holy.. lolz! Man.. those were the days, alright! I didn't see him since I ended high school.. lolz! He is currently taking graphic design in Richmond and staying in Carlton.. thus, as you can see in the pic..^^

As for me, ND is the only friend I have there in Aussie currently, so I am hoping to meet up with him asap. He really helped me alot these days la.. giving me advice about going there, what I need to bring and buy before I go, gimme the train route and stuff.. thanks, ND~ I owe you lots!! *hugz*

^^ the world needs more people like ND~

Oh, and Ebbie and Joey got their PR de, and are planning to stay in Box Hill



* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Confession time

It is always when I am at my peak in my relationship with God, that a guy comes up and pulls me away from God.

Why? Why is it that the devil so seeks to destroy my relationship with God? He does not seem to try so hard with other people - just me, it seems =.=

I hate it. I hate it that every single time, he comes up with new people but the same old way and I keep falling for it- over and over again. When will it ever stop? Every time, I think it is the last time, but it isn't. Sigh. When will I ever grow up? When will I ever pass this test? And why do I keep failing? Have I not learned? After all these years? Why, Anna? Why do you keep falling for guys..

It's called hope - false hope.

Sigh. Whatever it's called. It's still there, and I have to eliminate it. I have to.

Dear blog-readers.. I implore you - if I ever ever ever fall in love with another guy again, and even if I am dead sure, positive that it is God's will, I implore you, remind me of Matt. Remind me that this kind of life - the life where two becomes one, is not for me - it never was. No matter how much I want it, no matter what my natural inclinations are, it just was not meant for me. My life is destined - I am to be like Miss A and the woman who wrote that beautiful life changing book.. I am to be single for the rest of my life- with or without the gift.

It's not something I want. It is something I realized. I am not saying this out of hurt or rejection or anger against the guys.. no, nothing like that - I am simply saying this because I have studied their lives and I know - the similarities I have with them, and it is evident to me (this is not the first time I thought of it, either), that God just wants me for Himself, and will not settle with me going out with another guy other than Him. He's just too jealous. Too very jealous.

This is my life, people.. it's destined. And girls, if you are reading this and say in your heart that you wish you won't be like me, guess what - the possibilities is higher that you just might very well be the next candidate- because the more you want it, the more you were not meant for it. I'm sorry to burst your bubble, to those of you who are similar to me, but.. it's just a matter of time that you'd realize the same thing, anyway.. At least you have someone to tell it to you before you go through anymore than I have..

I implore you,.. I implore you.. I implore myself, more like it.. just give up, Anna.. that life was never meant for you. The next guy you're gonna fall in love with is just another test - so, don't say I didn't warn you. Just avoid whoever it may be.. and run for dear life.. you are not going to fail again. I'm not going to let you fail again.

I can't imagine falling for another guy and going through this again.. what's up with you, Anna? Haven't you had enough? It's about time it all end!!!!!!!!


* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Getting started at the finish line

The feeling.. since I graduated, could not be expressed..

and the fact that I cannot explain how I feel, only makes it worse.

because when I cannot tell people how I feel, I cannot share my burden with someone else to help me carry it. And bearing it alone- bearing something I don't understand myself, alone.. is just unbearable.

I cannot explain how I felt.

Today, I was sharing with my mum.. that as soon as I started going out and looking for a job,.. there is this feeling that I cannot explain, and when I was still with Matt, I was trying to explain, but I just couldn't find the words because I didn't know what feeling it was.

All I could say to him was that too many things were happening to me at once - I was sick, my family was moving to Australia without me and I had to grow up and be independent, but that was all I could share, because I myself didn't know what I was going through at that time.

I soon realized that it had nothing to do with my family going off without me.. Now that they are going to Australia and I am going with them, the feeling remains.. and my mum finally gave it a name.. it was a feeling of emptiness..

The feeling of emptiness comes when I feel like there is no purpose left in life, and I soon realized that she was right.. she explained that whatever we do, we have to do it for God, and that when you don't do it for God, then you have the feeling of emptiness,..

She was right. When I was still studying, I knew I was studying for God. I had purpose, but now when I have graduated, and looked for a job in Malaysia at that time, I didn't feel that purpose anymore- because that wasn't what God wanted me to do- God wanted me to go to Australia to pick up Culinary and open a restaurant, I guess..

So I didn't have a godly purpose to stay in Malaysia, and I had this empty feeling to deal with, and I didn't know what it was, I just wanted to break down and cry because I had no one to share with and no one to hear me out. Matt that time was just too young.. he wouldn't have understood what I was going through because he was still studying and all geared up for his studies- he still is.

I had to deal with it.. alone. Emptiness.. it was the lowest point of time in my life when I had to deal with something without a name, at that time,.. and Matt broke up with me.. it only made it worse, I guess.. but at least it gave me my purpose again - at least it got me going to Australia to do culinary - if I still decided to stay, I think I would be fit to be thrown away, like a branch which does not bear fruit is thrown into the fire because it is simply good for nothing.. So my breakup with Matt took away that emptiness, in that sense, but it gave me a different kind of emptiness - I don't think I have to elaborate on that, but it is worth the trade when you have God. I didn't just have God - I had a second family to help me through..

So breaking up with Matt was good in the sense that it got me back onto the right track - the hard way.

I tell you, people,.. listen to my word of advice - just because you don't hear God speaking, or just because you didn't listen carefully, or just because you heard but wasn't sure,.. does not mean that He did not speak and that does not mean that He does not have a plan for you - and therefore, it does not mean that you can just stay where you are "Until you hear from God" and that does not mean that you can "do whatever you want" until you hear God speak. Because He does speak, and as long as what you are doing is not what He wants, you are not in the will of God, whether you know what it is or not.

So don't think that by not hearing the voice of God means that you are free from doing His will. It is our life to find out what His will is, and do it. So if you still don't know what His will is for your life, you are not free of it - you have the obligation to find out.


* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Life is a gift

I was in church today - Pastor Nicholas Sim (my mum's pastor) preached. He talked about a few people, including two brilliant girls who had everything ahead of them in life - very young, one 26 and another 18 who had breast cancer (3rd stage) and cancer of the tongue (4th stage) respectively. I started to think of how much I've taken my life for granted..

There is nothing wrong with me - I am not handicapped, I am not having any diseases, cancer or tumor, I have nothing stopping me physically from going ahead with my life.

Okay, I'm sorry people.. I planned to blog more, but currently, my mind is just too exhausted from lack of sleep and I can't think anymore.. I'm tired.. goodnight.

P/S: Btw, here's a song that gave me a different perspective of things.. It reminds me that I need a paradigm shift of things..

Miracle - Audio Adrenaline

I am free
For the first time
Left my fears behind
In front of me
Is the open sky
I'm taller than trees
I can see
Further than before
Everything's different now
Now that You've ruined my life

You took my dreams
And stole my schemes
And turned my life upside down
You took my heart
Stole every part
And made it a miracle

Now I can sing
Sing a new song
My burdens gone
You gave me all the words and melodies
Now I can be
At Your feet
Your place for me
Everything's beautiful
Now that You've ruined my life

You took my dreams
And stole my schemes
And turned my life upside down
You took my heart
Stole every part
And made it a miracle

I'm wide awake
And tonight I'm saved
In Your arms
I'm singing of
How You made me a miracle

I'm taller than trees
I can see further than before
Everything's different now

You took my dreams
And stole my schemes
And turned my life upside down
You took my heart
Stole every part
And made it a miracle

Made it a miracle
Made it a miracle

..and yes, thank You, God for ruining my plans.. ahah.. You just love it, don't You? ;) Oh, and btw,.. I'll give You my undivided attention, if You'd give me Your undivided attention.. I'll give You my everything, if You give me Your everything... :) I'll give up my whole world for You, if You give up Your whole world for me..

Oh, I know You already did all that - I was just checking to see if You were paying attention.. :)

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *