Slave of Failure

Genesis 15:14

14 And also the nation whom they serve I will judge; afterward they shall come out with great possessions.

I don't know why this verse strikes me.. I don't even know why this word strikes me. But it sure does. You know, I never thought that when the Children of Israel came out of Egypt that the possessions they plundered from the Egyptians were that great.. I knew it was a lot.. but I didn't know it was so much that You had to mention it to Abraham. I mean.. You were just talking about the important stuff when You summarized the future to him, why did You have to mention about the great possessions, unless they were really that great! For goodness sake,.. You didn't even mention about Moses- the chosen leader to lead them out of Egypt- not even a hint! And You didn't say.. "they shall come out with great miracles, signs and wonders".. instead You said.. "they shall come out with great possessions".. what the crap?

Abraham was already rich. And when it comes to talking to rich men about big money, they mean business. He was equivalent to Bill Gates in this time, and when you tell Bill Gates "great possessions" or "big money", it's not just millions we're talking about here, but billions of US dollars.

Imagine if I were to be given a chance to plunder Egypt! Imagine if I could withdraw as much cash as I wanted from the WorldBank without having to pay any interest or give anything back.. I would be richer than Bill Gates! Heck.. I would even be richer than some of the countries in this world, I guess.. I could probably 'buy over' this place.. if you know what I mean.. after all.. 'every head has a price'.. lol.. Just like IMF.. they have the money, and they can throw their weights around.. ok, why am I talking about this? Too much college..^^

Ok, I admit.. I was worried. I was so worried about my future that when I found out that I failed one of my subjects, I freaked out. I totally lost it.. I told myself.. how could I ever do anything for You? I saw myself as a total failure. True.. I AM a failure. But You are not.. So the Children of Israel were slaves.. like I am a slave of failure. But You redeemed them. And so You are redeeming me. You redeemed them and gave them so much more than they needed. So You also want to give me everything I need for Your purposes.

Slave of failure.... who would have ever thought of it? Help me!!!! The song 'More than Useless' kept bugging me since the morning after the day I failed. Aihh... fail fail fail... God help me.. I think about it every now and then.. It hurts me as though a guy just dumped me.. Heck.. I rather be dumped by my biggest crush than to fail any one of my subjects!!!! Crap.. After all,.. crushes are just crushes.. welcome to the real life, Anna~!

I wonder what it is like talking to the best straight A's student in the world about 'flying colours'.. I bet it's not just another line of A's.. I bet it's.. man.. I can't even imagine what could be better than that! Argh,.. since when did I have so much faith? I feel like condemning myself for the faith I have.. no, actually,.. I am not condemning myself for this faith but for this stupid laziness..

Would You? Would You do that for me? After all the times I failed You,.. in my relationships, in my spiritual life, in my studies.. I failed You over and over again.. I am a slave to failure, Lord.. would You forgive me? Would You redeem me? Would You? If I were You, I'd think I wouldn't.. slave of failure.. coming out with great possessions.. I still remember dad proclaiming the declaration yesterday before offering time.. "...bonuses! properties! good results in exams! unexpected gifts!" All these are considered.. 'great possessions' to a person like me.. and the words hit me hard.. 'good results in exams'.. 'good results in exams'.. 'good results in exams'... arghhhh!!! Want to hit myself on my head, but don't know where's the hammer.. ishhhh.. such a failure... such a failure!!!!

What la.. come and do devotion also condemn myself like mad.. FAIL~! See? Fail again.. ish ish.. do devotion also fail..aiyah.. forget it la.. everything also fail.. fail only lar! I fed up de.. want to cry now.. sigh.. fail my devotion.. I think the only thing good I am at is blogging.. how can You live with a person like me? How do You tolerate me? Patience. I guess patience comes from You.. aihhh.. see? Need so much patience with me.. Only You can have patience with me, lar.. no one else.. Lord.. whoever I get next time, ah.. please.. give him patience to tolerate me.. I suck.. I really do.. If only he can have the patience that You have.. then he can tolerate my failure also..

God,.. I really fail so much.. You sure You want to use me, ah? After I fail how? I want to cry de.. I so no confidence in myself.. no confidence.. aihh.. for Your own sake, la.. don't use me.. after You regret.. You sure You want to use me, ah? Don't regret wan ah? Don't after I fail already.. condemn.. but You don't condemn wan lar.. only the devil.. so I cannot let people condemn.. not even myself..

Aihh.. really want to cry de.. You trust me so much.. a failure like me.. trust me with great possessions.. seriously, I don't deserve to handle that kind of money, la.. My business studies so bad, how to handle money? I am beginning to lose my dreams of opening big businesses for You de.. beginning to lose hope in franchising hotels.. sigh.. my dream.. so many dreams la.. hotels is just one of it.. but when think of the finance.. I just lost hope, until You told me about the big money.. then only the dream start to come back.. I always wanted my own hotel, remember? Hehe.. double one hotel.. crazy me when I was a kid last time.. wanted to do everything.. bell boy, la.. room service, la.. house keeping.. You name it la.. I wanted it so bad.. You know, when You mentioned 'great possessions' and 'big money' to me, You know what was in my mind? (Yeah.. of course You know..) it wasn't just the school actually.. it was more on businesses.. Hotel industry.. I imagined a hotel in every major country that my church goes to.. a grand hotel, not any low cost air asia hotel.. a real one.. a nice one.. a magnificent one.. aihhh... dreams will be dreams.. now I feel like taking up H&T,.. after all, I have 40% in KDU.. but there's not where You're leading me.. arghh.. better catch my heart back.. it's running around playing football.. I don't even enjoy football..

Aiyah.. You purposely wan is it? Purposely let me fail, so I feel the pain.. sigh.. oklar.. whatever la.. fail fail, lor.. but as long as I am alive, I shall serve You and love You.. I will try harder this semester.. promise.. I won't fail You again..




* tRUST & OBey the LORD *