"I have to close my eyes while typing this...
everything is spinning around me.. And the worst part is.. I can't sleep..
the medicine the doctor gave is making me worse.. goodness.. even when I type, I can hardly press the keyboard... Bloggers.. do not do this at home...
Shit.. I'll have to edit this later.. have to do some real major editing
anyway, where was I? Oh yeah.. well.. my fingers are so numb.. I wonder why.. anyway.."
This is what I wrote when I took panadol before food.. You see, I'm a person who doesn't take panadol.. This is only the second time in my life taking panadol. The first time I took panadol, it was Active Panadol.. and this time, well, it supposed to make me drowsy, but instead, it made my mind spin around but it wasn't pain, so I just felt tipsy :P
Yeah, I couldn't walk properly and when I tried to sms or blog, it made me feel like vomiting,.. so yeah, you can say I was kinda drugged.. that's why that paragraph was all I could type, and then I had to give up.. even with my head down and eyes closed, I couldn't blog.. tsk tsk..
I rescued myself from my room and went over to my brother's room just opposite mine - sat on the floor and knocked.. "Kor, is cough medicine supposed to make me this drowsy?"
"What?!" I supposed he was sleeping.. I was closing my eyes and holding my head with my hands to keep it from spinning.. Luern, my cambodian maid was sweeping the floor across the staircase, at and saw me.. she stopped and stared..
Then she slowly came over because she knew something was wrong with me.. Vic opened the door.
"What happened to you?" He saw me on the floor.
"Is cough medicine supposed to make me this drowsy?"
"Yeah, some medicine supposed to make you drowsy - you're supposed to be sleeping."
"I can't sleep. I took the medicine at 5.30 in the evening and now it's 8.30 at night and I still can't sleep."
"Try to.. anyway, why come and look for me?"
"Because mum and dad and Elijah are in a meeting. And there's no one else around.."
"Hmmph.. true enough. Very well.." Crosses me and walks over to my room.. "Show me the medicine."
I follow behind, Luern helping me up and aiding me over from the floor to my bed. I passed Vic the medication, and Luern messaged my limbs as I collapsed onto the bed. I had to close my eyes most of the time.. everything was just spinning round and round.
Luern kept saying, "So cold, ya? Feet so cold!"
"Yea.. yea.. normal.. it's okay.."
Vic looks at the medication. "Seems pretty normal to me."
"Everything is spinning.. I feel dizzy."
"It's not the medication. Where I'm standing in your room, I already feel dizzy.. it's the room."
"Huh?"
"Your room is too stuffy. When was the last time you cleaned the air cond filter?"
"I don't know."
He opens it. "See what I mean?" All black.
"Oh.." Vic takes it out and puts it on the other bed. "Don't do it, la.. let the maid do it."
"I know, I'm just taking it out. I told her to clean it already.. she's coming. Go to mum's room la.. over there better for you.. Mum and Dad are going to Sepang today, right?"
"Yea.." Went to the bathroom. Came out and walked over to the door.
"Where are you going?"
"You said go to mum and dad's room?"
"Oh ok.." Vic supervised as I wore my indoor slippers and slowly moved towards the staircase. "Why do you wear those slippers anyway?"
"Floor sticky." Vic followed closely behind as I held on to the walls and railings and stuff. "I can do it, I can do it," I said, as I crawled onto the bed and pulled over the blanket, while Vic switched on the lights and aircond and stuff.. then stood there observing me..
"So you sure mum and dad not coming back, ah? They're going to Sepang straight is it?"
"I don't know.."
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
a little off topic
Let me ask you a question,.. "kids in school - what are they motivated by? Why do they do their homework?"
Fear.. they are motivated by fear, all the many days in school, from the second they are in kindergarten to the day they grad from high school - fear. And how many years is that? 3 years to 17 years - 15 years of being driven by fear..
Why am I talking about this? Because I dreaded school.. I hated school, and when I was only in elementary school, I figured this out and purposed it in my heart to do something about it when I grew up. I always had a heart for kids and teenagers, ever since I was still a kid.
Tell me, when God first created the world, what was the ultimate education system at that time - His main intention? - family - parents. It was the duty of parents to educate their children. Parents had the authority to discipline their kids - why? Because they loved them. And the kids knew that their parents loved them dearly, and the kids knew their parents well - he who held the rod was no stranger. He who held the rod was he who loved them most in the whole world - so were they driven by fear? -no. They feared the rod, yes, the pain. But they did not fear going home to their parents.
But what happens when parents are busy and send their kids to school? Teachers beat them for everything - when they run around, when they throw rubbish on the floor, when their handwriting is messy, when they don't know how to answer the question correctly, when they didn't bring their book or when they did not pass up on time or worse- when they didn't do their work. And who is this person who has the cane? - a stranger.
The worst comes when it is the first day of school - all you know is the name of the teacher, and she already has the cane in hand. Are you afraid? Definitely. Is this torture? Yes. When she asks you to do something, what drives you? - fear.
And finally when you go to work, what are you driven by other than money? Fear - "If you don't do this properly, you're fired or I'm going to cut your pay, or you won't get bonus end of this month, or so on and so forth." What's worse is when you fear your superior above you - they scold you and you're so sick of it.. because you have been listening to this scolding tune your whole life, and now when you go to work, you have to face it again. So all your life, what are you driven by? From the day you go to school until you graduate and go to work - what is your motivation - fear. Afraid that you won't have enough money to send your kids to school and lay food on the table.
Not everyone can escape this fear. Very few has - kids who homeschool or adults who have their own businesses. People who run their own lives and not being controlled by another person.
Now let's look at the adults - what was God's ultimate plan for us to provide for our family? When God first created the world, for the first few thousand years, there were no such thing as employment. Everyone provided for their own, other than slaves, who has no freedom and is wholly controlled by another person.
Employment only came much later, around Christ time, there was already such a thing as wages. I'm not saying that employment is wrong - there is nothing wrong with it, not to Christ, at least. Some of His parables also used wages.
My point is, is this God's intention for us? To be driven by fear? The education system and the employment system was not God's first intention when He created human beings to multiply on this earth. "Be fruitful and multiply, have dominion over the earth, the sea and the dry land - over every living thing" - to rule, to have power and dominion.
But like I said, there is nothing wrong with having a school and employing people. I just believe that the way it is done is wrong. There is a better way of motivating people. Don't treat your employees like they are at your mercy. Treat them like human beings who have a choice in life.
Oh, one more thing I'd like to add, since we're on this topic of treating your employees right - Give them proper wages, don't pay them peanuts for something they work their butts off for - for example, RM3 an hour, working in fast food outlets - yes, you know who you are.. the minimum wage in Australia is $10 an hour. Those promoters in the supermarket - not allowed to sit? Why? For 11 hours and only 1 hour break, and the rest of the time no sitting, everyday? And how many years are you expecting them to keep that job? Stop counting the hours where you have to stand and start counting the hours when you actually do get a chance to sit!
And whoever came up with the idea of working 9-5 everyday? Isn't the most important thing doing your work and not how many hours you spend in the office, for goodness sake, I thought you guys were human beings with brains. If you seriously had brains, you'd be paying people by the amount of work they do instead. Instead of paying for the electricity bills and air cond used to cater for all those employees sitting in the office who are chatting online, and they get scolded for it too.
What is wrong with employing mothers who have kids? Why must they come to office and abandon their kids with a baby sitter? Why can't they do their work at home? The most important thing is to get the job done, right? And if they really do get the job done, then what is your problem? Isn't it cheaper to employ them who work at home and not have to pay for furniture and fixings and bills for those in the office? If they really wanted the money, don't be afraid if they didn't do their job.
Freedom, choice, liberty,.. a sound mind. A state where you needn't be controlled by another person. C H oi C E
We should not be motivated by fear. God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of love, power and a sound mind..
So now, let's go back to the kids. We should not teach the kids that this is how the world goes round - that the only driver there is, is fear. Young as they are, this is what has been taught in the schools. And the only driver they know is fear.
Make your lessons more interesting. Give them fun as a motivation. Learning is fun. Enjoyable. Exciting. Thrilling. Interesting. An adventure. A discovery. Life-giving and life-changing. Learning is almost anything but a chore - a duty. Not something you "have to do, if not.."
What did God give us? God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind.
These are our drivers- love, power and a sound mind. This is how the world goes round..
Did you know that kids who are taught directly by their parents learn much more? Because there is a connection that takes place when there is love involved. When you love the person teaching you, you'd just absorb everything so quickly. There are various kinds of memory - two of them are the temporary and permanent memory. Things that you study for the exam last minute goes into the temporary memory and stuff like phone numbers and songs seem to get into your permanent memory, which you remember, even when they are random numbers which doesn't make sense. When a person you really love teaches you something, it doesn't get stored into your temporary memory, but your permanent memory. Learned something today? ;)
Choice. Decisions. Dilemmas. Kids. Think about it. If kids had a chance to make their own choices, they could learn a whole much more.
Give them a red apple and give them a picture of a red apple, which do you think they will remember better? Teach them about maths virtually. I liked the concept from the Sunlight Homeschool for kids. They give them mini blocks, with different colours, one representing each number, and the smaller number is a shorter block, and the larger number is a longer block. And it's a block they get to stack up, so one plus one makes two. And they actually hold '1', which is a white short block and stack it up on another white small block to make '2', which is exactly the same height as the red block which represents '2'. Now that's what I'm talking about.
Times table was so hard for me when I first started to learn it as a kid, because it was memory work, and was supposed to get into your permanent memory, like phonenumbers do, but I didn't know that. As a kid, I didn't know what was temporary and permanent memory. I spent most of the time trying to count and recount, and wonder how the adults could get 3 x 3 so much faster than I did - memory work.
Most of the time I wasted in early form 4 because I didn't know that I didn't have to understand how the formulas came about in the first place, and that I just had to use it, not understand it. I think somewhere goes wrong here.. if they don't know how the formulas came out, then people like me will seriously have trouble using it. Because I keep getting distracted by how they came about that formula anyway.. Maybe they can help by giving some intro of how the formula came about first.. Okay, so maybe not everyone is like me, but food for thought, though..
One of the things that I really like is called On-the-job Learning.. :) Give kids real stuff to do. For example, business.. give them a business to handle, give them a mentor/sponsor, someone they can observe and learn from, and give them a small business to handle. Put them in a committee where they make decisions and spearhead that business. Teach them while they are yet young - I always believe that they can never be too young to learn anything. Learning doesn't have an age limit.
Recently I wanted to come up with new programmes for Palm Springs Educenter - wanted to teach the kids business strategy and accounting and stuff.. Then later heard that I had to get a full time job and eventually study culinary in Melbourne, so I totally abandoned the whole idea and gave it a 'one-day one-day' treatment. Later I heard that there was a company called 'The Money Tree' teaching kids about business and stock markets and giving them fake money and the course fees is exceedingly expensive.. -Hey! What the heck, you stole my idea, you guinea pigs!!! I shall slaughter you! >=/
Okay, anyway, the point is,.. Give them real stuff to do - bring them to the science lab and let them do the experiments. Let them invent their own things. They are never too young to learn anything, and if it is too dangerous, then do something about it. I'm sure you can come up with something, after all, we are the adults. It is our duty to ensure their safety anyway - don't be lazy. Just think of something.
Nurture their creativity. Don't limit them. Their minds are more and more limited the older they grow, not the younger they are.
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
Fear.. they are motivated by fear, all the many days in school, from the second they are in kindergarten to the day they grad from high school - fear. And how many years is that? 3 years to 17 years - 15 years of being driven by fear..
Why am I talking about this? Because I dreaded school.. I hated school, and when I was only in elementary school, I figured this out and purposed it in my heart to do something about it when I grew up. I always had a heart for kids and teenagers, ever since I was still a kid.
Tell me, when God first created the world, what was the ultimate education system at that time - His main intention? - family - parents. It was the duty of parents to educate their children. Parents had the authority to discipline their kids - why? Because they loved them. And the kids knew that their parents loved them dearly, and the kids knew their parents well - he who held the rod was no stranger. He who held the rod was he who loved them most in the whole world - so were they driven by fear? -no. They feared the rod, yes, the pain. But they did not fear going home to their parents.
But what happens when parents are busy and send their kids to school? Teachers beat them for everything - when they run around, when they throw rubbish on the floor, when their handwriting is messy, when they don't know how to answer the question correctly, when they didn't bring their book or when they did not pass up on time or worse- when they didn't do their work. And who is this person who has the cane? - a stranger.
The worst comes when it is the first day of school - all you know is the name of the teacher, and she already has the cane in hand. Are you afraid? Definitely. Is this torture? Yes. When she asks you to do something, what drives you? - fear.
And finally when you go to work, what are you driven by other than money? Fear - "If you don't do this properly, you're fired or I'm going to cut your pay, or you won't get bonus end of this month, or so on and so forth." What's worse is when you fear your superior above you - they scold you and you're so sick of it.. because you have been listening to this scolding tune your whole life, and now when you go to work, you have to face it again. So all your life, what are you driven by? From the day you go to school until you graduate and go to work - what is your motivation - fear. Afraid that you won't have enough money to send your kids to school and lay food on the table.
Not everyone can escape this fear. Very few has - kids who homeschool or adults who have their own businesses. People who run their own lives and not being controlled by another person.
Now let's look at the adults - what was God's ultimate plan for us to provide for our family? When God first created the world, for the first few thousand years, there were no such thing as employment. Everyone provided for their own, other than slaves, who has no freedom and is wholly controlled by another person.
Employment only came much later, around Christ time, there was already such a thing as wages. I'm not saying that employment is wrong - there is nothing wrong with it, not to Christ, at least. Some of His parables also used wages.
My point is, is this God's intention for us? To be driven by fear? The education system and the employment system was not God's first intention when He created human beings to multiply on this earth. "Be fruitful and multiply, have dominion over the earth, the sea and the dry land - over every living thing" - to rule, to have power and dominion.
But like I said, there is nothing wrong with having a school and employing people. I just believe that the way it is done is wrong. There is a better way of motivating people. Don't treat your employees like they are at your mercy. Treat them like human beings who have a choice in life.
Oh, one more thing I'd like to add, since we're on this topic of treating your employees right - Give them proper wages, don't pay them peanuts for something they work their butts off for - for example, RM3 an hour, working in fast food outlets - yes, you know who you are.. the minimum wage in Australia is $10 an hour. Those promoters in the supermarket - not allowed to sit? Why? For 11 hours and only 1 hour break, and the rest of the time no sitting, everyday? And how many years are you expecting them to keep that job? Stop counting the hours where you have to stand and start counting the hours when you actually do get a chance to sit!
And whoever came up with the idea of working 9-5 everyday? Isn't the most important thing doing your work and not how many hours you spend in the office, for goodness sake, I thought you guys were human beings with brains. If you seriously had brains, you'd be paying people by the amount of work they do instead. Instead of paying for the electricity bills and air cond used to cater for all those employees sitting in the office who are chatting online, and they get scolded for it too.
What is wrong with employing mothers who have kids? Why must they come to office and abandon their kids with a baby sitter? Why can't they do their work at home? The most important thing is to get the job done, right? And if they really do get the job done, then what is your problem? Isn't it cheaper to employ them who work at home and not have to pay for furniture and fixings and bills for those in the office? If they really wanted the money, don't be afraid if they didn't do their job.
Freedom, choice, liberty,.. a sound mind. A state where you needn't be controlled by another person. C H oi C E
We should not be motivated by fear. God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of love, power and a sound mind..
So now, let's go back to the kids. We should not teach the kids that this is how the world goes round - that the only driver there is, is fear. Young as they are, this is what has been taught in the schools. And the only driver they know is fear.
Make your lessons more interesting. Give them fun as a motivation. Learning is fun. Enjoyable. Exciting. Thrilling. Interesting. An adventure. A discovery. Life-giving and life-changing. Learning is almost anything but a chore - a duty. Not something you "have to do, if not.."
What did God give us? God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind.
These are our drivers- love, power and a sound mind. This is how the world goes round..
Did you know that kids who are taught directly by their parents learn much more? Because there is a connection that takes place when there is love involved. When you love the person teaching you, you'd just absorb everything so quickly. There are various kinds of memory - two of them are the temporary and permanent memory. Things that you study for the exam last minute goes into the temporary memory and stuff like phone numbers and songs seem to get into your permanent memory, which you remember, even when they are random numbers which doesn't make sense. When a person you really love teaches you something, it doesn't get stored into your temporary memory, but your permanent memory. Learned something today? ;)
Choice. Decisions. Dilemmas. Kids. Think about it. If kids had a chance to make their own choices, they could learn a whole much more.
Give them a red apple and give them a picture of a red apple, which do you think they will remember better? Teach them about maths virtually. I liked the concept from the Sunlight Homeschool for kids. They give them mini blocks, with different colours, one representing each number, and the smaller number is a shorter block, and the larger number is a longer block. And it's a block they get to stack up, so one plus one makes two. And they actually hold '1', which is a white short block and stack it up on another white small block to make '2', which is exactly the same height as the red block which represents '2'. Now that's what I'm talking about.
Times table was so hard for me when I first started to learn it as a kid, because it was memory work, and was supposed to get into your permanent memory, like phonenumbers do, but I didn't know that. As a kid, I didn't know what was temporary and permanent memory. I spent most of the time trying to count and recount, and wonder how the adults could get 3 x 3 so much faster than I did - memory work.
Most of the time I wasted in early form 4 because I didn't know that I didn't have to understand how the formulas came about in the first place, and that I just had to use it, not understand it. I think somewhere goes wrong here.. if they don't know how the formulas came out, then people like me will seriously have trouble using it. Because I keep getting distracted by how they came about that formula anyway.. Maybe they can help by giving some intro of how the formula came about first.. Okay, so maybe not everyone is like me, but food for thought, though..
One of the things that I really like is called On-the-job Learning.. :) Give kids real stuff to do. For example, business.. give them a business to handle, give them a mentor/sponsor, someone they can observe and learn from, and give them a small business to handle. Put them in a committee where they make decisions and spearhead that business. Teach them while they are yet young - I always believe that they can never be too young to learn anything. Learning doesn't have an age limit.
Recently I wanted to come up with new programmes for Palm Springs Educenter - wanted to teach the kids business strategy and accounting and stuff.. Then later heard that I had to get a full time job and eventually study culinary in Melbourne, so I totally abandoned the whole idea and gave it a 'one-day one-day' treatment. Later I heard that there was a company called 'The Money Tree' teaching kids about business and stock markets and giving them fake money and the course fees is exceedingly expensive.. -Hey! What the heck, you stole my idea, you guinea pigs!!! I shall slaughter you! >=/
Okay, anyway, the point is,.. Give them real stuff to do - bring them to the science lab and let them do the experiments. Let them invent their own things. They are never too young to learn anything, and if it is too dangerous, then do something about it. I'm sure you can come up with something, after all, we are the adults. It is our duty to ensure their safety anyway - don't be lazy. Just think of something.
Nurture their creativity. Don't limit them. Their minds are more and more limited the older they grow, not the younger they are.
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
Talk about God
God is always there for me
even now when I don't see Him
i know He is there
I can't really feel Him
and all i see and feel is an empty house
but I will not give up
I feel like God has forsaken me
but deep within I know He lives
distant as He is, I know He is near
dim as the fire may be, I know He is here
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
even now when I don't see Him
i know He is there
I can't really feel Him
and all i see and feel is an empty house
but I will not give up
I feel like God has forsaken me
but deep within I know He lives
distant as He is, I know He is near
dim as the fire may be, I know He is here
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Back onto my feet
As I have always said, "Letting go is not easy, it's necessary."
It's my fault, actually... it is me who keep clinging on to the past. If only I moved on, there wouldn't be a problem. I should move on.. Yesterday I saw a Cactus box.. it had this motto:
Okay, so that was pathetic.. nvm. The other day, I saw a lady wearing a black Precious Moments t-shirt, with a boy pointing to the sky, and the words 'You are always there for me'.. now that was encouraging.
There's a few people I wanna thank who has been an encouragement to me:
1. My family - mum, dad, debbie, caleb.. noel, even.. because he kissed me like 3 times for no apparent reason.. (he's about 1 years old)
2. My CF friends - seriously, you guys are always there for me, every time I break up.. Why? Why is it that you guys care so much? And how can I find the words to thank you? - This time round, it's mostly XiYing, Michell, Chris and Aaron Tam.. A few years ago, it was Joram. - thank you, guys.. you guys rock my world.. and where would I be without you?
3. Rueben. Thank you so much.. although you don't read my blog, but you seriously have encouraged me.
4. Matt's family - mum, dad, andrew.. - thank you so much. I've never met anyone like you guys, and if anything happens to Matt one day, know that I will always be there, and I will take you guys as my responsibility. Sometimes I wonder how God could not be in the picture, because to know people like you guys is truly a miracle in itself. It's so hard to believe that a gift so perfect like you guys could not have came from God.. for every perfect gift is from above.
Sigh.. emo emo..
So yea, that's about it.. I didn't tell a lot of people, and those that I need to tell, I just ask them to go read my blog. And some, I don't even have to ask. Once they know that something is wrong, they just go read it themselves- now that's what I call a true friend..
Let me elaborate a bit more.. Aaron Tam.. aahhah.. thanks for the stuff which I can't mention here.. =P, which only you and I and Xiying knows about.. heh heh..
and XiYing, thank you so much.. ...for Aaron Tam :D if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't know him and Daniel Sim as much.. and especially, thanks for Daniel.. *cough cough*.. no lar.. that fellar so hard to contact, I give up de.. lolz! Okay, lar.. sincere sincere.. erm.. thanks for making the whole world around me disappear when I'm talking to you =) when I am talking to you, I just get carried away and nothing else seems to matter, even when I am with Matt.. I just get so drawn to you, XiYing.. I think I'm les.. lol! *cough cough*.. =P come on, baby.. light my fire.. ^^
Yeahh, baby..
*Aherm* sorry.. got carried away again.. see what I mean? I wasn't kidding, was I? She's hot, and we're not! =.="
I can't wait to meet up with XiYing and Aaron -those babes rock my world.. oh no! wait, did I just call Aaron a babe? Babes are for girls, are they not? Oh, sorry, babe.. :D
We should seriously go out more.. really, because when I am stuck at home here with my family, they just remind me more of my second family back home.. It's like, the more time I spent with my family and eat the food at home, the more I wish I was in Matt's house, with his family.. sounds weird, no? Sometimes I wonder if I am being ungrateful for what I have, and perhaps the grass just looks greener on the other side, you know what I mean?
Seriously, when I sit down to eat here, it's like.. is that food in front of me? What happened to the green on the veggies? It's hardly green anymore.. when it was freshly cooked, it was still green - I saw! but now it's just.. brownish.. okay, sorry viewers,.. I know I'm destroying your appetite..
And when Jie Debbie brings back food which Caleb's mum made, and when I put some into my mouth, all of a sudden, I get emo and all.. because it reminds me of Matt's mum's cooking.. how she always made stuff to eat.. cheesecake, those cereal stuff, choco chip cookies.. okay, I shouldn't mention them here.. later emo summore..
Sigh.. honestly,.. when I am with my family here.. my sisters have their own husbands and everything, and I just feel so.. alone. It actually makes me feel worse when I am with my family - not better. They're all so occupied with families and talking about their husbands and all.. one cannot believe how emo I can get back here.. I guess that's why two of my previous posts were so emo.. it's like.. why must I be alone... when will I have someone to sweep me away and I get to give everything I've got.. when will I have a chance to go to a home- to a place where I belong? and say that my future lies here.. that this is my family. This is my life. This is where I'll be 20 years, 50 years down the road.. here, with my husband and my kids.. but now, it's like.. it's just me.
Enjoy singlehood.. seriously, is there anything to enjoy? Enjoy what? Flirting around with guys? I've so grown out of that, and I'm so sick of it. Play computer games? No, I'm sorry, but I've grown out of that too.. even Sims2. Watching movies is all I do now, but how long can a movie last? 2 hours? Episodes are a waste of time.. and besides, I have no one to spent that kind of time with me.
Singlehood.. People tell me, "You're still young, be patient,.. you still have a long way to go.. there are plenty of guys out there.. just enjoy life at the moment.." I know I sound like an old maid, but seriously,.. I'm getting older.. I'm 22 this year and I previously wanted to get married like in 24 or 25 the most.. I know I look young and all but seriously.. I do want to get married and have kids.. and when I say that, immediately, people tell me.. "Anna, I think you should go for an older guy,- a more matured guy.." .. I don't know, la.. whatever it is, I'm not interested in finding a guy.. sounds cliche, no? But seriously.. crazy as it may sound, I wanna get married young, but I'm tired of relationships.. I'm so confused.. one time, I think that I fed up with all these, and another time, I think that there's nothing I want more..
Besides.. older guys are just so.. sigh.. so not my type. Okay, so since I'm in this topic, let me draw out my criteria for a future.. erm.. for my dream guy,..
1. Must be spiritual. Must love God, and really read God's word. Because in John 14:23,24, Jesus said, "If anyone loves Me, he will keep my word". Okay, I know that as soon as I start quoting scriptures, whoever you are, you may start to freak out.. 'Oh,.. she's one of those Jesus freaks..'. Well, if you're freaked out, and if you're a guy or girl, I'm sorry, but you're just not my type.
2. Must appreciate me for who I am. Okay, so no one does.. sigh. Someone who loves me so so much.
3. I must really love that person. That person must really be something, in my own eyes, at least..
4. That person has to be tough.. I don't want a whimper, a whiner, a chicken or anything in that category, thank you. And spoilt brats are sissy guys.
5. Visions, values, culture, all has to be the same.. Especially when it comes to beliefs, you know even same church, you can have people with different beliefs.. you get what I mean la.. and finding a guy in this category alone is hard enough. But who cares.. he's got to come find me.
And this is one of the reasons why it was so hard letting Matt go.. because he was everything I ever wanted.. except that he didn't love me at all..
You know, sometimes I wonder, if I did things differently, perhaps he would still love me.. because that look in his eyes when we first started.. they're just.. unmistakable.. Either that, or he's just a really good actor, or perhaps, that's when he didn't know me yet- and then when he started to really get to know me, he didn't like me anymore,.. that's why I blame myself so much.. because it must've been something I did- like maybe I was too sticky.. I guess I loved him a little too much.. perhaps God wasn't so important anymore.. that's why this had to happen. If that is so,.. I'm sorry, I'm really really sorry,.. You can do anything You want,.. because You're God.. and all power belongs to You.
Talking about God,.. there was something I really wanted to share.. There is a song I really love.. and this song has helped me up in this time.. I had such a revelation.. It's called, 'I Adore', by Hillsongs. I think it's officially my favourite song now because of how it has touched my life and this is the song that has put me back onto my feet again.
You know, in times like this, I came to a place where I just wanted to end my life- it's normal, isn't it? We all go through that road.. but when I sang this song, I just, for once, found something I enjoyed doing - worshipping, adoring God. And the whole world around me just fades away, and I am in Heaven, and God is sitting there in front of me, and all He wants to do is listen to my song, to me playing my guitar and singing. He is my only audience, and He is pleased with me. And He understands me. He is that Person in my heart.
Anyway,.. I had such a revelation - if I really wanted to end my life, then nothing else matters. This whole world and everyone and everything in it doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I can just forget about the world like I have no past and no future. I am no one, I am just who I am, and when I sing this song to God, I am worshipping God, and this is what I live for. I just live to adore God, to love God and to worship God. And since I wanted to end my life, it has no meaning and no value anymore. Why don't I just spend the rest of the time, just loving God and worshipping Him.. at least my life has a purpose in it.
I dedicated my life back to God yesterday. Now I just live for Him. He is the only purpose for my existence - I don't even live for myself- whatever I do - the food I eat, the clothes I wear, everything is just for God alone. He is the only person worth living for - not my husband, not my children, not my family - no one. Because man always disappoints. And since I don't have a husband or kids, I can live for God wholly. I don't have to be caught up in the affairs of this world. So it's better for me to remain single. I don't want to get married, I just want to live for God. Because He is the only one worth living for, and nothing and no one else matters anymore.
I Adore - Hillsongs
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
It's my fault, actually... it is me who keep clinging on to the past. If only I moved on, there wouldn't be a problem. I should move on.. Yesterday I saw a Cactus box.. it had this motto:
Okay, so that was pathetic.. nvm. The other day, I saw a lady wearing a black Precious Moments t-shirt, with a boy pointing to the sky, and the words 'You are always there for me'.. now that was encouraging.
There's a few people I wanna thank who has been an encouragement to me:
1. My family - mum, dad, debbie, caleb.. noel, even.. because he kissed me like 3 times for no apparent reason.. (he's about 1 years old)
2. My CF friends - seriously, you guys are always there for me, every time I break up.. Why? Why is it that you guys care so much? And how can I find the words to thank you? - This time round, it's mostly XiYing, Michell, Chris and Aaron Tam.. A few years ago, it was Joram. - thank you, guys.. you guys rock my world.. and where would I be without you?
3. Rueben. Thank you so much.. although you don't read my blog, but you seriously have encouraged me.
4. Matt's family - mum, dad, andrew.. - thank you so much. I've never met anyone like you guys, and if anything happens to Matt one day, know that I will always be there, and I will take you guys as my responsibility. Sometimes I wonder how God could not be in the picture, because to know people like you guys is truly a miracle in itself. It's so hard to believe that a gift so perfect like you guys could not have came from God.. for every perfect gift is from above.
Sigh.. emo emo..
So yea, that's about it.. I didn't tell a lot of people, and those that I need to tell, I just ask them to go read my blog. And some, I don't even have to ask. Once they know that something is wrong, they just go read it themselves- now that's what I call a true friend..
Let me elaborate a bit more.. Aaron Tam.. aahhah.. thanks for the stuff which I can't mention here.. =P, which only you and I and Xiying knows about.. heh heh..
and XiYing, thank you so much.. ...for Aaron Tam :D if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't know him and Daniel Sim as much.. and especially, thanks for Daniel.. *cough cough*.. no lar.. that fellar so hard to contact, I give up de.. lolz! Okay, lar.. sincere sincere.. erm.. thanks for making the whole world around me disappear when I'm talking to you =) when I am talking to you, I just get carried away and nothing else seems to matter, even when I am with Matt.. I just get so drawn to you, XiYing.. I think I'm les.. lol! *cough cough*.. =P come on, baby.. light my fire.. ^^
Yeahh, baby..
*Aherm* sorry.. got carried away again.. see what I mean? I wasn't kidding, was I? She's hot, and we're not! =.="
I can't wait to meet up with XiYing and Aaron -those babes rock my world.. oh no! wait, did I just call Aaron a babe? Babes are for girls, are they not? Oh, sorry, babe.. :D
We should seriously go out more.. really, because when I am stuck at home here with my family, they just remind me more of my second family back home.. It's like, the more time I spent with my family and eat the food at home, the more I wish I was in Matt's house, with his family.. sounds weird, no? Sometimes I wonder if I am being ungrateful for what I have, and perhaps the grass just looks greener on the other side, you know what I mean?
Seriously, when I sit down to eat here, it's like.. is that food in front of me? What happened to the green on the veggies? It's hardly green anymore.. when it was freshly cooked, it was still green - I saw! but now it's just.. brownish.. okay, sorry viewers,.. I know I'm destroying your appetite..
And when Jie Debbie brings back food which Caleb's mum made, and when I put some into my mouth, all of a sudden, I get emo and all.. because it reminds me of Matt's mum's cooking.. how she always made stuff to eat.. cheesecake, those cereal stuff, choco chip cookies.. okay, I shouldn't mention them here.. later emo summore..
Sigh.. honestly,.. when I am with my family here.. my sisters have their own husbands and everything, and I just feel so.. alone. It actually makes me feel worse when I am with my family - not better. They're all so occupied with families and talking about their husbands and all.. one cannot believe how emo I can get back here.. I guess that's why two of my previous posts were so emo.. it's like.. why must I be alone... when will I have someone to sweep me away and I get to give everything I've got.. when will I have a chance to go to a home- to a place where I belong? and say that my future lies here.. that this is my family. This is my life. This is where I'll be 20 years, 50 years down the road.. here, with my husband and my kids.. but now, it's like.. it's just me.
Enjoy singlehood.. seriously, is there anything to enjoy? Enjoy what? Flirting around with guys? I've so grown out of that, and I'm so sick of it. Play computer games? No, I'm sorry, but I've grown out of that too.. even Sims2. Watching movies is all I do now, but how long can a movie last? 2 hours? Episodes are a waste of time.. and besides, I have no one to spent that kind of time with me.
Singlehood.. People tell me, "You're still young, be patient,.. you still have a long way to go.. there are plenty of guys out there.. just enjoy life at the moment.." I know I sound like an old maid, but seriously,.. I'm getting older.. I'm 22 this year and I previously wanted to get married like in 24 or 25 the most.. I know I look young and all but seriously.. I do want to get married and have kids.. and when I say that, immediately, people tell me.. "Anna, I think you should go for an older guy,- a more matured guy.." .. I don't know, la.. whatever it is, I'm not interested in finding a guy.. sounds cliche, no? But seriously.. crazy as it may sound, I wanna get married young, but I'm tired of relationships.. I'm so confused.. one time, I think that I fed up with all these, and another time, I think that there's nothing I want more..
Besides.. older guys are just so.. sigh.. so not my type. Okay, so since I'm in this topic, let me draw out my criteria for a future.. erm.. for my dream guy,..
1. Must be spiritual. Must love God, and really read God's word. Because in John 14:23,24, Jesus said, "If anyone loves Me, he will keep my word". Okay, I know that as soon as I start quoting scriptures, whoever you are, you may start to freak out.. 'Oh,.. she's one of those Jesus freaks..'. Well, if you're freaked out, and if you're a guy or girl, I'm sorry, but you're just not my type.
2. Must appreciate me for who I am. Okay, so no one does.. sigh. Someone who loves me so so much.
3. I must really love that person. That person must really be something, in my own eyes, at least..
4. That person has to be tough.. I don't want a whimper, a whiner, a chicken or anything in that category, thank you. And spoilt brats are sissy guys.
5. Visions, values, culture, all has to be the same.. Especially when it comes to beliefs, you know even same church, you can have people with different beliefs.. you get what I mean la.. and finding a guy in this category alone is hard enough. But who cares.. he's got to come find me.
And this is one of the reasons why it was so hard letting Matt go.. because he was everything I ever wanted.. except that he didn't love me at all..
You know, sometimes I wonder, if I did things differently, perhaps he would still love me.. because that look in his eyes when we first started.. they're just.. unmistakable.. Either that, or he's just a really good actor, or perhaps, that's when he didn't know me yet- and then when he started to really get to know me, he didn't like me anymore,.. that's why I blame myself so much.. because it must've been something I did- like maybe I was too sticky.. I guess I loved him a little too much.. perhaps God wasn't so important anymore.. that's why this had to happen. If that is so,.. I'm sorry, I'm really really sorry,.. You can do anything You want,.. because You're God.. and all power belongs to You.
Talking about God,.. there was something I really wanted to share.. There is a song I really love.. and this song has helped me up in this time.. I had such a revelation.. It's called, 'I Adore', by Hillsongs. I think it's officially my favourite song now because of how it has touched my life and this is the song that has put me back onto my feet again.
You know, in times like this, I came to a place where I just wanted to end my life- it's normal, isn't it? We all go through that road.. but when I sang this song, I just, for once, found something I enjoyed doing - worshipping, adoring God. And the whole world around me just fades away, and I am in Heaven, and God is sitting there in front of me, and all He wants to do is listen to my song, to me playing my guitar and singing. He is my only audience, and He is pleased with me. And He understands me. He is that Person in my heart.
Anyway,.. I had such a revelation - if I really wanted to end my life, then nothing else matters. This whole world and everyone and everything in it doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I can just forget about the world like I have no past and no future. I am no one, I am just who I am, and when I sing this song to God, I am worshipping God, and this is what I live for. I just live to adore God, to love God and to worship God. And since I wanted to end my life, it has no meaning and no value anymore. Why don't I just spend the rest of the time, just loving God and worshipping Him.. at least my life has a purpose in it.
I dedicated my life back to God yesterday. Now I just live for Him. He is the only purpose for my existence - I don't even live for myself- whatever I do - the food I eat, the clothes I wear, everything is just for God alone. He is the only person worth living for - not my husband, not my children, not my family - no one. Because man always disappoints. And since I don't have a husband or kids, I can live for God wholly. I don't have to be caught up in the affairs of this world. So it's better for me to remain single. I don't want to get married, I just want to live for God. Because He is the only one worth living for, and nothing and no one else matters anymore.
I Adore - Hillsongs
E EM7 C#m
I. The universe is at Your feet
A B
Gives You praise evermore
E EM7 C#m
The stars will light the sky for You
A B
And always God be praised
A B
Pre Chorus: And we sing the Lord is on high
C#m A C#m B
The Lord is on high
E/G# A F#m-G#m B
Chorus: I adore You, I adore You
A G#m
And there's none that compares
F#m B
To Your majesty O Lord
E/G# A F#m-G#m B
I adore You, I adore You
A
And I stand
B E
In the wonder of Your love
E EM7 C#m
Bridge: We will crown You King forever
A G#m F#m B
Living Saviour, Jesus Redeemer
E EM7 C#m
Lord of Heaven, Robed in majesty
A G#m F#m B
Crowned in Glory, Creation adores You
A F#m
Coda: Holy, holy God Almighty
D A/C# Bm7 E
And forever The Lord is exalted
A F#m
Hear the Angels Shout His anthem
D A/C# Bm7 E
Ever-living God we adore You
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Feelings... cicak on the ceiling
Cicak falling down.. but I still have feelings.
I am going to Melbourne on the 5th of May to study culinary. The course is about 2 years, and then I would probably work for another 1 year or so... and I could settle there or come back- I don't know.. want God to lead the way. I'll probably settle.. today I heard that they give like 5 grand Aussie for each kid you give birth to, and they even pay for the maternity bills.. I so want to start a family there now.. only problem now is that I want a Malaysian guy, and I am now really fussy with criteria- so that no one will qualify, ever.
And for the next 5 years, I just wish God would just tear my heart out and give it back to me one fine day.. or until He comes again, because it is giving me a really hard time. It is making me suffer.
I am so not in the mood to entertain people right now- especially people outside my family- as in friends, who are especially not very close with me. I just pissed 2 guy friends off lately who were not very close to me. I was the annoying one, I admit. So if I have pissed off anyone, I'm sorry, as I said a million times,.. and I have never seen this side of me either. I know I am immature for my age. I know I am supposed to be 22 but I so don't act or look like it. I don't even talk like it. I'm sorry. The both of you have had a lot of patience with me, and you have my respect and gratitude. But most of all, my deepest and most sincere apologies.
I am not in the mood to meet other guys, thus the reason for my pissing them off. I so don't trust guys anymore, and any guy who seems the least bit interested or even been suspected of having the slightest thought of getting to know me as more than a friend, I'd push away. I don't want anymore relationships. I just want friendships. If you are a girl, a boy who is already attached, a married man or even gay, I don't mind talking to you. Other than that, please,.. for your own good- just get lost. Even if you're not interested in me, but the possibility itself is enough to make me discriminate you, so, scram. I'm paranoid and I'm fully aware of it and I don't give a..
I don't want anymore relationships, especially not for the next few years because I want to break the cycle. I don't want to go rebounding anymore. I have done enough harm to people and to myself. I am so paranoid- every relationship is a rebound for me. I am so scared of getting into another relationship again- you have no idea. Something tells me I will never talk to another normal guy again, and I am amazed at how low my interest are in guys.. now I know how some girls end up as lesbians, but no worries- don't have interest for girls either. I simply feel like I can identify with them. The things we have in common- lack of interest for the opposite sex- never thought this day would arrive- I should be shouting 'Hallelujah!'.. revival has surely come to Anna. My interest in guys are between -5% or -55%.. or worse maybe.. all negative already..
I find it extremely challenging just to draw a smile across my face. When I see an eligible guy, I just feel like smashing a tomato into the face and kicking the victim to the moon for no apparent reason. I just want to lash out all my anger on them, as if to say- 'Who do you think you are? You're nobody.' and 'Get lost- I don't even want to see your face.'
I have never seen me in such an unreasonable angry state before. I am simply unreasonable. And I don't know why. Some things are happening to me which I cannot explain..
'I don't care who you think you are, or who the world thinks you are.. to me, you're just a nobody.'
'...because there is only one person I want to talk to right now.. and you're not him.'
and I can't talk to him, because he has gone ahead with life.. and it is not my right to disrupt the pattern of his life which has only just begun. I want the best for him- I want him to do well in his studies. I want him to get a girl he really loves and can make him happy, but also loves him. I want him to get a better life than if he were to end up with me. I bet he'd really be miserable with me because he can't force himself to love someone he doesn't, and he's about had it with me- He has pretended the whole way until he came to a point where he cannot pretend anymore, and he is tired, so so tired of pretending. He just got to end it as soon as possible, because it's just crazy.
I wish I could be his friend, though.. I wish I could still be his rebound- someone he goes to for comfort or something.. someone he actually needs. But those days are over.. he doesn't need me. The only thing he needs now is space- from me. And the only thing he wants from me is my absence and my disappearance.
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
I am going to Melbourne on the 5th of May to study culinary. The course is about 2 years, and then I would probably work for another 1 year or so... and I could settle there or come back- I don't know.. want God to lead the way. I'll probably settle.. today I heard that they give like 5 grand Aussie for each kid you give birth to, and they even pay for the maternity bills.. I so want to start a family there now.. only problem now is that I want a Malaysian guy, and I am now really fussy with criteria- so that no one will qualify, ever.
And for the next 5 years, I just wish God would just tear my heart out and give it back to me one fine day.. or until He comes again, because it is giving me a really hard time. It is making me suffer.
I am so not in the mood to entertain people right now- especially people outside my family- as in friends, who are especially not very close with me. I just pissed 2 guy friends off lately who were not very close to me. I was the annoying one, I admit. So if I have pissed off anyone, I'm sorry, as I said a million times,.. and I have never seen this side of me either. I know I am immature for my age. I know I am supposed to be 22 but I so don't act or look like it. I don't even talk like it. I'm sorry. The both of you have had a lot of patience with me, and you have my respect and gratitude. But most of all, my deepest and most sincere apologies.
I am not in the mood to meet other guys, thus the reason for my pissing them off. I so don't trust guys anymore, and any guy who seems the least bit interested or even been suspected of having the slightest thought of getting to know me as more than a friend, I'd push away. I don't want anymore relationships. I just want friendships. If you are a girl, a boy who is already attached, a married man or even gay, I don't mind talking to you. Other than that, please,.. for your own good- just get lost. Even if you're not interested in me, but the possibility itself is enough to make me discriminate you, so, scram. I'm paranoid and I'm fully aware of it and I don't give a..
I don't want anymore relationships, especially not for the next few years because I want to break the cycle. I don't want to go rebounding anymore. I have done enough harm to people and to myself. I am so paranoid- every relationship is a rebound for me. I am so scared of getting into another relationship again- you have no idea. Something tells me I will never talk to another normal guy again, and I am amazed at how low my interest are in guys.. now I know how some girls end up as lesbians, but no worries- don't have interest for girls either. I simply feel like I can identify with them. The things we have in common- lack of interest for the opposite sex- never thought this day would arrive- I should be shouting 'Hallelujah!'.. revival has surely come to Anna. My interest in guys are between -5% or -55%.. or worse maybe.. all negative already..
I find it extremely challenging just to draw a smile across my face. When I see an eligible guy, I just feel like smashing a tomato into the face and kicking the victim to the moon for no apparent reason. I just want to lash out all my anger on them, as if to say- 'Who do you think you are? You're nobody.' and 'Get lost- I don't even want to see your face.'
I have never seen me in such an unreasonable angry state before. I am simply unreasonable. And I don't know why. Some things are happening to me which I cannot explain..
'I don't care who you think you are, or who the world thinks you are.. to me, you're just a nobody.'
'...because there is only one person I want to talk to right now.. and you're not him.'
and I can't talk to him, because he has gone ahead with life.. and it is not my right to disrupt the pattern of his life which has only just begun. I want the best for him- I want him to do well in his studies. I want him to get a girl he really loves and can make him happy, but also loves him. I want him to get a better life than if he were to end up with me. I bet he'd really be miserable with me because he can't force himself to love someone he doesn't, and he's about had it with me- He has pretended the whole way until he came to a point where he cannot pretend anymore, and he is tired, so so tired of pretending. He just got to end it as soon as possible, because it's just crazy.
I wish I could be his friend, though.. I wish I could still be his rebound- someone he goes to for comfort or something.. someone he actually needs. But those days are over.. he doesn't need me. The only thing he needs now is space- from me. And the only thing he wants from me is my absence and my disappearance.
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Closure
Just done talking with Matt.. feel much better now that I know what he's going through.. something like the way I treated my ex last time - I just was with them to forget about someone else, not because I really loved them.. and I don't blame him, although I know he blames himself. But seriously, when someone breaks your heart, all you want is out, and the only way you can think of, other than God, is someone else.
I trust him when he says that it's not because of another girl, because when I broke up with my third one, it wasn't because of another guy either, but I called it off easily because I wasn't into him. So Matt just wasn't into me. He never was. I'm just grateful to him for telling me that it's nothing to do with me - it's himself: that I didn't do anything wrong- he just made a few wrong choices because of circumstances.
People will think that I have the right to blame him for using me and that I am his responsibility and he has to pay a price and all, but look at it this way- I flirted with my exes and broke up with both of them because I didn't love them in the first place, so who is worse off? Although Matt may be in the wrong this time round, I definitely hurt more people than he has. I have to take my hats off to him for still treating me as a friend- you know what I did to my previous ones? Man,.. you don't wanna know.
Love him a lot, yes, even when he doesn't love me, yes. Foolish, yes- aren't we all. Love is the game of the foolish and the wise. We all play it. We all win, lose and die trying. But ultimately, we play it. Although my relationship with Matt was one sided, I enjoyed it, because he made me feel like it wasn't.
I will always love you, Matt! ;) Adios!
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
I trust him when he says that it's not because of another girl, because when I broke up with my third one, it wasn't because of another guy either, but I called it off easily because I wasn't into him. So Matt just wasn't into me. He never was. I'm just grateful to him for telling me that it's nothing to do with me - it's himself: that I didn't do anything wrong- he just made a few wrong choices because of circumstances.
People will think that I have the right to blame him for using me and that I am his responsibility and he has to pay a price and all, but look at it this way- I flirted with my exes and broke up with both of them because I didn't love them in the first place, so who is worse off? Although Matt may be in the wrong this time round, I definitely hurt more people than he has. I have to take my hats off to him for still treating me as a friend- you know what I did to my previous ones? Man,.. you don't wanna know.
Love him a lot, yes, even when he doesn't love me, yes. Foolish, yes- aren't we all. Love is the game of the foolish and the wise. We all play it. We all win, lose and die trying. But ultimately, we play it. Although my relationship with Matt was one sided, I enjoyed it, because he made me feel like it wasn't.
I will always love you, Matt! ;) Adios!
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
Fragile - handle with care.. lots of it
Matt just broke up with me..
No warning, nothing.. I didn't see it coming. I'm still in a state of disbelief.. but it's starting to sink in a little bit. I'm still hoping I'd wake up from this nightmare as reality sinks in.. He was just using me as a rebound from the last break up he had. It's just human nature, you know.. I should've known better. I remember before we started, I talked to him about this.. like, you know when someone breaks your heart and you will end up breaking another person's heart after another.. but he didn't seem to think so. So I believed him when he said he loved me and all.. how ignorant. Yesterday, he still told me that he did, but.. I don't know to what extent, really.
He's not to be blamed. He didn't know what he was doing.. he was confused, that's all. Now that he knows, he also knows that he doesn't want to be with me, that I am not the girl he wants.
My mum says that.. perhaps he found another girl, if not why is he taking it so easily? Why is he so strong? How come he doesn't feel anything?
I really thought it was God's will, you know.. my mistake. Everything we had in common, was just a coincidence after all- both our parents are pastors, his mum's name is Pastor Lily, same as my mum. Her birthday was 4th of March, my mum's is 24th of March. His parents' anniversary was 1st Jan, my parents on 5th Jan. He is currently taking Ba (Hons) in Business Management, which is same as mine, but I think he is trying to change his to Finance. His mum was adopted when she was 1 because her parents had another baby boy and my mum was adopted when she was 2, when her mum had another baby. And both of them were given to their mother's sisters. Coincidence? Maybe.. All just a coincidence. He didn't go to the movies till he was 18, with his first ex, same as me. There is still a really long list that I am too lazy to mention here.. coincidence, coincidence.. and my mum used to say, there is no such thing as coincidence.. I'm starting to believe there is.
But put all those coincidences aside.. I just love his family so much. I love his brother and his parents. I just feel so attached to them, especially his brother.. I can just click with him so well and I feel like I've known him all my life. Even his parents think that they've never seen that side of him when he's with me. Matt says it's because we're both introverts and love art.. I don't know.. anyway, for your information, his bro is 15, so yea.. don't even think about it. If only he was older.. lol!
Okay,.. so anyway, rebound rebound.. yeah.. Later going to see his mum and ask her for her blessings.. ask her pray for me and stuff.. oh well.. i need closure.. seriously. It seems more and more obvious to me now that there is no way we can get back together again.. Matt is just.. so cold. I used to think that our relationship was perfect.. he was everything I ever wanted. And although I had 3 relationships before that, and this is the shortest I've ever had, I would have to clear that up by saying that this is the only real relationship I've had, and the rest are just crap. This is the only relationship where I really loved the guy and put my whole heart in. Unfortunately, he didn't put his..
So yes, he broke my heart- definitely.. he broke me down to my core, and I thought I could never be broken this bad again since my crush when I was 15, but I guess I was wrong. I really coUld be broken down again. Just when I taught my heart to love again, and forget about the past experiences.. I stupidly gave him everything.
I loved him to the point where I was willing to sacrifice my family for his.. I'm still willing, by the way, because his family is just so different. I'm not saying mine is not, but.. it's a long story.
He's still the best thing that's ever happened to me, other than God, definitely. This relationship I've had with him was the shortest I've ever had, but I've enjoyed every moment of it. And I will cherish them forever. No, I'm not ready for another relationship, I've my heart still on this one. And I probably won't get over it until I see him with another girl. And I think that won't be too far from now. So I'm preparing for the worst. Preparing, not prepared.
And you know what? I don't regret loving him that much. Seriously. Because I still do. I loved him a lot, actually.. it's funny that even when I've had so many bfs, but this is the first relationship that ended like this- where the guy dumped me and I still love him so much. This is the first relationship which ended where I still love the guy with all my heart.. because the rest of them.. well.. I either dumped them or the guy was a jerk. So.. those aren't worth talking about.
In other words, to me, I only had one relationship- this one.
Okay, now.. where is God in the picture? God.. God.. I need You. You know I need You. I'm sorry people, but whatever happens between me and God is between me and God- period.
I so need God right now. People, please pray for me.
You know, unlike all the other people who goes crazy over who dumps who.. that's the least of my worries right now. That isn't my pain, not the least bit. The only pain I have right now is the fact that he doesn't love me anymore, but I still love him. So please pray for me.
this is a song i posted on 5th of july 2005
Keep Singing
Chords:
Am = x02210
Bb = x13331(bar chord) or xx3331
C = x32010
C9 = x3203x or x32030
D = xx0232
Em = 022000
F = 133211(bar chord) or xx3211
G = 320003
Artist: MercyMe
Copyright Credits: Written By: Bart Millard, Peter Kipley, Barry Graul Copyright: © 2004 Simpleville Music Album: Undone
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
No warning, nothing.. I didn't see it coming. I'm still in a state of disbelief.. but it's starting to sink in a little bit. I'm still hoping I'd wake up from this nightmare as reality sinks in.. He was just using me as a rebound from the last break up he had. It's just human nature, you know.. I should've known better. I remember before we started, I talked to him about this.. like, you know when someone breaks your heart and you will end up breaking another person's heart after another.. but he didn't seem to think so. So I believed him when he said he loved me and all.. how ignorant. Yesterday, he still told me that he did, but.. I don't know to what extent, really.
He's not to be blamed. He didn't know what he was doing.. he was confused, that's all. Now that he knows, he also knows that he doesn't want to be with me, that I am not the girl he wants.
My mum says that.. perhaps he found another girl, if not why is he taking it so easily? Why is he so strong? How come he doesn't feel anything?
I really thought it was God's will, you know.. my mistake. Everything we had in common, was just a coincidence after all- both our parents are pastors, his mum's name is Pastor Lily, same as my mum. Her birthday was 4th of March, my mum's is 24th of March. His parents' anniversary was 1st Jan, my parents on 5th Jan. He is currently taking Ba (Hons) in Business Management, which is same as mine, but I think he is trying to change his to Finance. His mum was adopted when she was 1 because her parents had another baby boy and my mum was adopted when she was 2, when her mum had another baby. And both of them were given to their mother's sisters. Coincidence? Maybe.. All just a coincidence. He didn't go to the movies till he was 18, with his first ex, same as me. There is still a really long list that I am too lazy to mention here.. coincidence, coincidence.. and my mum used to say, there is no such thing as coincidence.. I'm starting to believe there is.
But put all those coincidences aside.. I just love his family so much. I love his brother and his parents. I just feel so attached to them, especially his brother.. I can just click with him so well and I feel like I've known him all my life. Even his parents think that they've never seen that side of him when he's with me. Matt says it's because we're both introverts and love art.. I don't know.. anyway, for your information, his bro is 15, so yea.. don't even think about it. If only he was older.. lol!
Okay,.. so anyway, rebound rebound.. yeah.. Later going to see his mum and ask her for her blessings.. ask her pray for me and stuff.. oh well.. i need closure.. seriously. It seems more and more obvious to me now that there is no way we can get back together again.. Matt is just.. so cold. I used to think that our relationship was perfect.. he was everything I ever wanted. And although I had 3 relationships before that, and this is the shortest I've ever had, I would have to clear that up by saying that this is the only real relationship I've had, and the rest are just crap. This is the only relationship where I really loved the guy and put my whole heart in. Unfortunately, he didn't put his..
So yes, he broke my heart- definitely.. he broke me down to my core, and I thought I could never be broken this bad again since my crush when I was 15, but I guess I was wrong. I really coUld be broken down again. Just when I taught my heart to love again, and forget about the past experiences.. I stupidly gave him everything.
I loved him to the point where I was willing to sacrifice my family for his.. I'm still willing, by the way, because his family is just so different. I'm not saying mine is not, but.. it's a long story.
He's still the best thing that's ever happened to me, other than God, definitely. This relationship I've had with him was the shortest I've ever had, but I've enjoyed every moment of it. And I will cherish them forever. No, I'm not ready for another relationship, I've my heart still on this one. And I probably won't get over it until I see him with another girl. And I think that won't be too far from now. So I'm preparing for the worst. Preparing, not prepared.
And you know what? I don't regret loving him that much. Seriously. Because I still do. I loved him a lot, actually.. it's funny that even when I've had so many bfs, but this is the first relationship that ended like this- where the guy dumped me and I still love him so much. This is the first relationship which ended where I still love the guy with all my heart.. because the rest of them.. well.. I either dumped them or the guy was a jerk. So.. those aren't worth talking about.
In other words, to me, I only had one relationship- this one.
Okay, now.. where is God in the picture? God.. God.. I need You. You know I need You. I'm sorry people, but whatever happens between me and God is between me and God- period.
I so need God right now. People, please pray for me.
You know, unlike all the other people who goes crazy over who dumps who.. that's the least of my worries right now. That isn't my pain, not the least bit. The only pain I have right now is the fact that he doesn't love me anymore, but I still love him. So please pray for me.
this is a song i posted on 5th of july 2005
Intro: C Am Em G (x2)
F C9
Another rainy day
F Am G
I can't recall having sunshine on my face
F C9
And all I feel is pain
F Am G
And all I wanna do is walk out of this place
F
But when I am stuck and I can't move
D
When I don't know what I should do
Am D
When I wonder if I'll ever make it through
Chorus:
C
I gotta keep singing
Am
I gotta keep praising Your name
Em G
You're the one that's keeping my heart beating
C
I gotta keep singing
Am
I gotta keep praising Your name
Em G
That's the only way that I'll find healing
F
Can I climb up in Your lap
G
I don't wanna leave
Dm C F G
Jesus sing over me
C Am Em G
I gotta keep singing
F
Can I climb up in Your lap
G
I don't wanna leave
C Bb Am
Jesus sing over me
D F
Oh.. You're everything I need
C Am Em G C
And I gotta keep singing
Chords:
Am = x02210
Bb = x13331(bar chord) or xx3331
C = x32010
C9 = x3203x or x32030
D = xx0232
Em = 022000
F = 133211(bar chord) or xx3211
G = 320003
Artist: MercyMe
Copyright Credits: Written By: Bart Millard, Peter Kipley, Barry Graul Copyright: © 2004 Simpleville Music Album: Undone
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Another day in Singapore..
I'll blog about Singapore.. have pics to show you guys and stuff.. It's only my second day, and I can't wait to go home.. The place is nice and the people are great, but.. somehow.. I still want to go home.
4 Feb - Mon
Okay.. first up, we have the bridge.. i love the sunset and the feeling of crossing borders.. being in 'two places at once'..
We arrived Pastor Nicholas house at about 8 something at night.. had dinner there.. fulled up. Then stayed over at one of his church member's apartment, which would be our accommodation for the next 1 week.
I tell you,.. Singapore is cold.
5 Feb - Tues
The apartment we stayed in
Oh, we had so much food there, i tell you! Here are all the stuff we got.. let the pictures do the talking..^^
Fruitz :) ate bananas like mad the first night.. >.<
Snacks! Lol.. jealous yet?
This is my arrangement.. thank you, thank you..
IMM
And we went out for lunch at IMM the next day..
The Pic Ryan took of Ebbie
the food there more or less 4.90 and above la.. that's for the shop I went to.. so the Chicken Rice and stuff were like 4.90 or 5, and the steak there was like 8.90.. anywayz.. as usual, I opted for the cheapest - 4.90 for bak choi mee.. later I found out that it was famous in Singapore and I made the right choice^^
Here it is... Bak Choi Mee
and then there's Vic's Chicken Rice- the classic.
And mum's and dad's Curry Laksa.. spicy.. hot hot.. but I didn't take a pic of it.. normal only la the curry.. but Dad had a side order.. I forgot what it's called de.. but I bet you know what it is.. I like eating that.. I must learn how to make that one day.. hmm.. here it is:
and then there's Elijah's Chicken Curry Rice..
Took two pics.. heh. I heard it was real good..
This is Noel.. he saw the kiddie car and he couldn't help it.. lol. Jumped right in.. heh.. I don't know why, but it kinda reminds me of.. erm.. lol- hun.
Our Lady Lourdes Catholic Church
I hanged there half the day today because I didn't wanna follow Vic, Ebbie et al and Elijah et al to Sim Lim- too tired of shopping.. I wanted to spend time getting to know my cousies..
Kristie!! =D
This is Kristie, 11+.. only child of Uncle Micheal (no idea who dat).. heh.. she can do a cartwheel.. she's amazing.. helping out the whole day from the minute I got there until we left.. she's just so helpful.. kinda remind me of who I used to be,.. anyway.. then met another cousie.. Kendrick- 10+ years old this year, and couldn't get his hands off the gameboy. (dunnow whoz kid is dat either).. he has an older bro in Aus, 27 or something.. big gap, eh?
Later I met another two - Amos, 17+, and Benjamin, 14+. They are sons of Uncle Robert.. heh.. I saw Uncle Robert for the first time today.. and then there's a Kenneth.. don't know whoze kid also.. Kenneth is 16+. I heard he has another 2 bros, all starting with 'K'.
So that's for my coussie list.. hope to see them again tmr at the funeral and erm.. maybe meet more cousiez.. I thought I was the youngest, you know? well,.. my grandma has 2 hubbyz, so yea.. the first one is my mum's real dad.. so that one, I am the youngest, but the step dad one, the cousiez there, some younger than me.. and they're all so cute la.. teenagers.. heh.
Altogether, my grandma gave birth to 12 kids! But the first one didn't make it, la.. so left 5 from the first dad and 6 from the second dad. Cool, eh? Aunt Magaret is the only sis that is my mum's real sis.. the rest in her real family are guys.. Uncle Johnny is the eldest, and then followed by erm.. another uncle, then Aunt Margaret and my mum and then theres a Uncle Roland- last one, that's really smart and he is a teacher teaching in Thailand. He is smart like Elijah.
The best part, other than meeting new cousiez was when Pastor Kew San and Aunty Anne came.. they're not real my real uncle and aunty but that's the title we give them.. Anyway, so they came and Aunty Anne was like..
"hey, I heard you got a bf already ah?"
and I am like.. "huh??? how you know??"
and she was like.. "Pastor's son somemore ah?"
And I'm like.. "err.... who told you that?"
"What's his name?"
"How come you know so much one??"
"Haha.. how come I know so much? Well, a little bird told me."
"A little bird?"
"Yeah, a little bird who flew all the way from Malaysia to Singapore to tell me.."
"My goodness.. I really pity that bird."
"Yeah, well, you look much better now :) compared to the last time I saw you.."
"Okayy,.."
Then later, they chatted with my parents at the table I was at, so Uncle Kew San was beside me, Aunty Anne beside him and Mum beside her, followed by dad- 5 of us. Then she told me again,.. "You look better now, I can see, compared to the last time I saw you.. when was the last time I saw you? At.. at.. at.. what's that called?"
"..convention?"
"Yeah,.. that time.. yeah, now you look much better already. So how is your boyfriend?"
"Huh? My what?"
Then Uncle Kew San said, "Your B.F."
Aunty Anne was like, "His mum is a pastor too, right? Got the same name as your mum.."
I was like.. "Wah.. how you know so much one?? Mum, you told them is it?"
Then Aunty Anne was like, "I can see,.. you're in love.."
Then my mum was like.. "Aunty Anne is mummy's intercessor,.. she has to know, ya? Mummy have to tell her."
And I was like.. "Okayy.."
And she was like.. "So what's he doing now?"
"Erm.. he's younger than me, so he's still studying.."
"Well, that's okay,.."
"2 years younger than me.."
"Yeah, that's okay, you know?" Then it suddenly occurred to me..
"Oh, yeah.. you're older than him, right? Like 9 years or something?"
"12 and a 1/2 actually.."
"oh my.. no wonder you said it's nothing.." Then I was like.. "His mum also older than his dad- 4 years.."
Then my parents were also at the table..
So my mum said, "Yeah, the smart ones will go for more matured girls.."
Then Aunty Anne said, "Yeah, the smart ones.. :D"
Then I said, "Yeah, I think that's the trend now, you know? But mum is only older than dad 1 year.."
Then my mum was like.. "2 years, actually.. because dad just turned 57 in Nov and mum is going to be 59 in March, so it's almost 2 years." And I was like.. =O
Uncle Kew San, "So what is he studying?"
"Same as me.. Business Management"
Yea.. so that's about it.. I'm looking forward to the funeral tomorrow- can't wait to meet more cute cussiez.. Oh well.. it's 2.25am.. time to go to sleep.. heh. Still alot of fruitz left. Will have to leave at 9am tomorrow morning, and by the time it is now, I don't think I can wakey early tomorrow,..
P/S: Matt.. Thanks for taking care of the car for me.. I owe you heaps.. I tried looking for jobs in the newspaper here.. seriously nothing for me. I think I'll be coming back to Malaysia- plenty more job opportunities there compared to here. I still haven't typed out my CV yet. Need to get it done soon.. I told my sis that unless God tells me to come to Singapore, I'm not going anywhere. See how, la.. if God really wants me to come to Singapore to work then I'll get a job here.. see how, kay? But by the rate it's going, I don't think so la.. erm.. gtg sleep de.. everyone sleep liao.. Goodnight *hugz* I love you.
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
4 Feb - Mon
Okay.. first up, we have the bridge.. i love the sunset and the feeling of crossing borders.. being in 'two places at once'..
We arrived Pastor Nicholas house at about 8 something at night.. had dinner there.. fulled up. Then stayed over at one of his church member's apartment, which would be our accommodation for the next 1 week.
I tell you,.. Singapore is cold.
5 Feb - Tues
The apartment we stayed in
Oh, we had so much food there, i tell you! Here are all the stuff we got.. let the pictures do the talking..^^
Fruitz :) ate bananas like mad the first night.. >.<
Snacks! Lol.. jealous yet?
This is my arrangement.. thank you, thank you..
IMM
And we went out for lunch at IMM the next day..
the food there more or less 4.90 and above la.. that's for the shop I went to.. so the Chicken Rice and stuff were like 4.90 or 5, and the steak there was like 8.90.. anywayz.. as usual, I opted for the cheapest - 4.90 for bak choi mee.. later I found out that it was famous in Singapore and I made the right choice^^
Here it is... Bak Choi Mee
and then there's Vic's Chicken Rice- the classic.
And mum's and dad's Curry Laksa.. spicy.. hot hot.. but I didn't take a pic of it.. normal only la the curry.. but Dad had a side order.. I forgot what it's called de.. but I bet you know what it is.. I like eating that.. I must learn how to make that one day.. hmm.. here it is:
and then there's Elijah's Chicken Curry Rice..
Took two pics.. heh. I heard it was real good..
This is Noel.. he saw the kiddie car and he couldn't help it.. lol. Jumped right in.. heh.. I don't know why, but it kinda reminds me of.. erm.. lol- hun.
Our Lady Lourdes Catholic Church
I hanged there half the day today because I didn't wanna follow Vic, Ebbie et al and Elijah et al to Sim Lim- too tired of shopping.. I wanted to spend time getting to know my cousies..
This is Kristie, 11+.. only child of Uncle Micheal (no idea who dat).. heh.. she can do a cartwheel.. she's amazing.. helping out the whole day from the minute I got there until we left.. she's just so helpful.. kinda remind me of who I used to be,.. anyway.. then met another cousie.. Kendrick- 10+ years old this year, and couldn't get his hands off the gameboy. (dunnow whoz kid is dat either).. he has an older bro in Aus, 27 or something.. big gap, eh?
Later I met another two - Amos, 17+, and Benjamin, 14+. They are sons of Uncle Robert.. heh.. I saw Uncle Robert for the first time today.. and then there's a Kenneth.. don't know whoze kid also.. Kenneth is 16+. I heard he has another 2 bros, all starting with 'K'.
So that's for my coussie list.. hope to see them again tmr at the funeral and erm.. maybe meet more cousiez.. I thought I was the youngest, you know? well,.. my grandma has 2 hubbyz, so yea.. the first one is my mum's real dad.. so that one, I am the youngest, but the step dad one, the cousiez there, some younger than me.. and they're all so cute la.. teenagers.. heh.
Altogether, my grandma gave birth to 12 kids! But the first one didn't make it, la.. so left 5 from the first dad and 6 from the second dad. Cool, eh? Aunt Magaret is the only sis that is my mum's real sis.. the rest in her real family are guys.. Uncle Johnny is the eldest, and then followed by erm.. another uncle, then Aunt Margaret and my mum and then theres a Uncle Roland- last one, that's really smart and he is a teacher teaching in Thailand. He is smart like Elijah.
The best part, other than meeting new cousiez was when Pastor Kew San and Aunty Anne came.. they're not real my real uncle and aunty but that's the title we give them.. Anyway, so they came and Aunty Anne was like..
"hey, I heard you got a bf already ah?"
and I am like.. "huh??? how you know??"
and she was like.. "Pastor's son somemore ah?"
And I'm like.. "err.... who told you that?"
"What's his name?"
"How come you know so much one??"
"Haha.. how come I know so much? Well, a little bird told me."
"A little bird?"
"Yeah, a little bird who flew all the way from Malaysia to Singapore to tell me.."
"My goodness.. I really pity that bird."
"Yeah, well, you look much better now :) compared to the last time I saw you.."
"Okayy,.."
Then later, they chatted with my parents at the table I was at, so Uncle Kew San was beside me, Aunty Anne beside him and Mum beside her, followed by dad- 5 of us. Then she told me again,.. "You look better now, I can see, compared to the last time I saw you.. when was the last time I saw you? At.. at.. at.. what's that called?"
"..convention?"
"Yeah,.. that time.. yeah, now you look much better already. So how is your boyfriend?"
"Huh? My what?"
Then Uncle Kew San said, "Your B.F."
Aunty Anne was like, "His mum is a pastor too, right? Got the same name as your mum.."
I was like.. "Wah.. how you know so much one?? Mum, you told them is it?"
Then Aunty Anne was like, "I can see,.. you're in love.."
Then my mum was like.. "Aunty Anne is mummy's intercessor,.. she has to know, ya? Mummy have to tell her."
And I was like.. "Okayy.."
And she was like.. "So what's he doing now?"
"Erm.. he's younger than me, so he's still studying.."
"Well, that's okay,.."
"2 years younger than me.."
"Yeah, that's okay, you know?" Then it suddenly occurred to me..
"Oh, yeah.. you're older than him, right? Like 9 years or something?"
"12 and a 1/2 actually.."
"oh my.. no wonder you said it's nothing.." Then I was like.. "His mum also older than his dad- 4 years.."
Then my parents were also at the table..
So my mum said, "Yeah, the smart ones will go for more matured girls.."
Then Aunty Anne said, "Yeah, the smart ones.. :D"
Then I said, "Yeah, I think that's the trend now, you know? But mum is only older than dad 1 year.."
Then my mum was like.. "2 years, actually.. because dad just turned 57 in Nov and mum is going to be 59 in March, so it's almost 2 years." And I was like.. =O
Uncle Kew San, "So what is he studying?"
"Same as me.. Business Management"
Yea.. so that's about it.. I'm looking forward to the funeral tomorrow- can't wait to meet more cute cussiez.. Oh well.. it's 2.25am.. time to go to sleep.. heh. Still alot of fruitz left. Will have to leave at 9am tomorrow morning, and by the time it is now, I don't think I can wakey early tomorrow,..
P/S: Matt.. Thanks for taking care of the car for me.. I owe you heaps.. I tried looking for jobs in the newspaper here.. seriously nothing for me. I think I'll be coming back to Malaysia- plenty more job opportunities there compared to here. I still haven't typed out my CV yet. Need to get it done soon.. I told my sis that unless God tells me to come to Singapore, I'm not going anywhere. See how, la.. if God really wants me to come to Singapore to work then I'll get a job here.. see how, kay? But by the rate it's going, I don't think so la.. erm.. gtg sleep de.. everyone sleep liao.. Goodnight *hugz* I love you.
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
Monday, February 04, 2008
Singapore
Yes, I'm in Singapore now.. my Ama just passed away yesterday night - this morning. But it's kay, I guess.. I never talked with her before, I think..
Supposed to be looking for a job now.. Just finished college, collected my Letter of Completion not too long ago. This means that I should be going for interviews by now.. Honestly, I am supposed to be looking for jobs all over the world.. like, take the best job that comes across my way after weighing out all the options I have,..
But,..
But I don't have the heart to leave Malaysia even if I had the chance to.. I know that I shouldn't be influenced by other people.. I know that I have to,.. you know.. chase my dream or something like that, but.. honestly.. my dream isn't to make money and stay single for the rest of my life.. I do want to settle.. Yes, I have a vision in life which I want to accomplish and all, but.. if I think that earning money is the only way then it's all going to be out of human efforts, isn't it?
You know.. if I were to weigh out all the options I have, among all the countries in the world.. You know what I would consider as the best option? Not the one with the most pay, but the job that is in Malaysia,.. so that I still can see him.
When I come here to Singapore, I tell you.. all I can think of is finding a place to rent and a job to enquire about.. I just want to live here in Singapore.. I feel so torn between my love life and my dream of singlehood.. anyone out there like me? On one hand I want to find a job here which I can survive on and a nice place to stay by myself, to be independent and free.. but then on the other hand, I know that I'm going to miss my baby and his whole family back there in Malaysia.. I just feel so torn.. I wish I can bring him here with me.
I wish I can find a good job here in Singapore,.. you know, I have so many people telling me how many job opportunities there are here.. it's like every single person is telling me that I should come down to Singapore and work,.. not just everyone else, but people who have a big influence on my life, like my parents, my sisters, my cell leader, etc.. I just feel so.. torn and confused right now.. I want both.. I know that if I get a job in Malaysia, these people aren't going to be happy with me.
And I won't be happy with myself either, because I know that I'd just be settling for second best. And to you guys that know me well,.. Anna never settles for second best when it comes to important decision making in life. Especially when it comes to guys- she only wants the best. And if you're not the best, she'd break up with you- it's just a matter of time. But she already found her best- and he isn't just a better half- he's the best half I'll ever find in this entire lifetime. And I've never been more sure about anything else before. I just know I want this guy, and no job out there is going to match that. Guys like him, I know I will only cross paths once, and an opportunity like that means too much to me to regret. I know that if I let him go, I will never find another guy like that- not in the whole wide world.
And the only thing that can make me sacrifice him is if God specifically tells me to go overseas and work. Because you know, that God is the most important person to me, and whatever He says goes, even if it means giving up the person I cherish the most.
I know that Malaysia is not for me. I know God wants me to eventually go overseas,.. I just don't know where and don't know when. But I hope it's not now. You know what I hope? I hope that he'll go somewhere after his studies, and wherever he goes, I'll go. Yes, that's how much I love him- I'll quit my job and go. It's called priorities,.. I know not many of you will agree with me, especially you single girls out there.. but hey, there isn't exactly a formula or manual in life to give you step-by-step procedures on what you should do with your life. Different people have different priorities, I'm not saying that this priority fits everyone the same, no. I'm just saying that I'm not pro-career. If that's the kind of girl you want to be, then by all means, go ahead with your freedom. I'm not imposing my priorities on you.
There are 2 kinds of women- one is the working women- if they work at the beginning of their marriage, then high possibilities, they will spend most of their lives working and they cannot familiarize themselves with housewife life anymore- they just can't get used to it. They can't stand the slow-paced life. And then you have the housewives, who once they are housewives at the beginning of their marriage, they find it very hard to go out there into the working world because they find that they don't have the confidence and don't have what it takes. You know what? I want to be neither of them.
I may not be pro-career,.. but neither am I pro-family. Because I know that if I am pro-family, I will eventually loose my confidence and waste my life away once my children has grown up. Thinking too far? Maybe.. but hey.. this kind of things are choices that should be made early in life, because they will affect you for the rest of your lives. Seriously. The kind of woman you want to be, you have to decide now. And I want to be neither.
I definitely do not want to be a housewife, for goodness sake, if I wanted to be a housewife, why did I even study to get a degree? No, God did not make me to be a housewife- I know that much. So then, I'm going to work, isn't it? Then why not consider myself as a career woman? Go chase my dreams.. because.. because.. sigh.. because I just can't do it.
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
Supposed to be looking for a job now.. Just finished college, collected my Letter of Completion not too long ago. This means that I should be going for interviews by now.. Honestly, I am supposed to be looking for jobs all over the world.. like, take the best job that comes across my way after weighing out all the options I have,..
But,..
But I don't have the heart to leave Malaysia even if I had the chance to.. I know that I shouldn't be influenced by other people.. I know that I have to,.. you know.. chase my dream or something like that, but.. honestly.. my dream isn't to make money and stay single for the rest of my life.. I do want to settle.. Yes, I have a vision in life which I want to accomplish and all, but.. if I think that earning money is the only way then it's all going to be out of human efforts, isn't it?
You know.. if I were to weigh out all the options I have, among all the countries in the world.. You know what I would consider as the best option? Not the one with the most pay, but the job that is in Malaysia,.. so that I still can see him.
When I come here to Singapore, I tell you.. all I can think of is finding a place to rent and a job to enquire about.. I just want to live here in Singapore.. I feel so torn between my love life and my dream of singlehood.. anyone out there like me? On one hand I want to find a job here which I can survive on and a nice place to stay by myself, to be independent and free.. but then on the other hand, I know that I'm going to miss my baby and his whole family back there in Malaysia.. I just feel so torn.. I wish I can bring him here with me.
I wish I can find a good job here in Singapore,.. you know, I have so many people telling me how many job opportunities there are here.. it's like every single person is telling me that I should come down to Singapore and work,.. not just everyone else, but people who have a big influence on my life, like my parents, my sisters, my cell leader, etc.. I just feel so.. torn and confused right now.. I want both.. I know that if I get a job in Malaysia, these people aren't going to be happy with me.
And I won't be happy with myself either, because I know that I'd just be settling for second best. And to you guys that know me well,.. Anna never settles for second best when it comes to important decision making in life. Especially when it comes to guys- she only wants the best. And if you're not the best, she'd break up with you- it's just a matter of time. But she already found her best- and he isn't just a better half- he's the best half I'll ever find in this entire lifetime. And I've never been more sure about anything else before. I just know I want this guy, and no job out there is going to match that. Guys like him, I know I will only cross paths once, and an opportunity like that means too much to me to regret. I know that if I let him go, I will never find another guy like that- not in the whole wide world.
And the only thing that can make me sacrifice him is if God specifically tells me to go overseas and work. Because you know, that God is the most important person to me, and whatever He says goes, even if it means giving up the person I cherish the most.
I know that Malaysia is not for me. I know God wants me to eventually go overseas,.. I just don't know where and don't know when. But I hope it's not now. You know what I hope? I hope that he'll go somewhere after his studies, and wherever he goes, I'll go. Yes, that's how much I love him- I'll quit my job and go. It's called priorities,.. I know not many of you will agree with me, especially you single girls out there.. but hey, there isn't exactly a formula or manual in life to give you step-by-step procedures on what you should do with your life. Different people have different priorities, I'm not saying that this priority fits everyone the same, no. I'm just saying that I'm not pro-career. If that's the kind of girl you want to be, then by all means, go ahead with your freedom. I'm not imposing my priorities on you.
There are 2 kinds of women- one is the working women- if they work at the beginning of their marriage, then high possibilities, they will spend most of their lives working and they cannot familiarize themselves with housewife life anymore- they just can't get used to it. They can't stand the slow-paced life. And then you have the housewives, who once they are housewives at the beginning of their marriage, they find it very hard to go out there into the working world because they find that they don't have the confidence and don't have what it takes. You know what? I want to be neither of them.
I may not be pro-career,.. but neither am I pro-family. Because I know that if I am pro-family, I will eventually loose my confidence and waste my life away once my children has grown up. Thinking too far? Maybe.. but hey.. this kind of things are choices that should be made early in life, because they will affect you for the rest of your lives. Seriously. The kind of woman you want to be, you have to decide now. And I want to be neither.
I definitely do not want to be a housewife, for goodness sake, if I wanted to be a housewife, why did I even study to get a degree? No, God did not make me to be a housewife- I know that much. So then, I'm going to work, isn't it? Then why not consider myself as a career woman? Go chase my dreams.. because.. because.. sigh.. because I just can't do it.
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
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