No warning, nothing.. I didn't see it coming. I'm still in a state of disbelief.. but it's starting to sink in a little bit. I'm still hoping I'd wake up from this nightmare as reality sinks in.. He was just using me as a rebound from the last break up he had. It's just human nature, you know.. I should've known better. I remember before we started, I talked to him about this.. like, you know when someone breaks your heart and you will end up breaking another person's heart after another.. but he didn't seem to think so. So I believed him when he said he loved me and all.. how ignorant. Yesterday, he still told me that he did, but.. I don't know to what extent, really.
He's not to be blamed. He didn't know what he was doing.. he was confused, that's all. Now that he knows, he also knows that he doesn't want to be with me, that I am not the girl he wants.
My mum says that.. perhaps he found another girl, if not why is he taking it so easily? Why is he so strong? How come he doesn't feel anything?
I really thought it was God's will, you know.. my mistake. Everything we had in common, was just a coincidence after all- both our parents are pastors, his mum's name is Pastor Lily, same as my mum. Her birthday was 4th of March, my mum's is 24th of March. His parents' anniversary was 1st Jan, my parents on 5th Jan. He is currently taking Ba (Hons) in Business Management, which is same as mine, but I think he is trying to change his to Finance. His mum was adopted when she was 1 because her parents had another baby boy and my mum was adopted when she was 2, when her mum had another baby. And both of them were given to their mother's sisters. Coincidence? Maybe.. All just a coincidence. He didn't go to the movies till he was 18, with his first ex, same as me. There is still a really long list that I am too lazy to mention here.. coincidence, coincidence.. and my mum used to say, there is no such thing as coincidence.. I'm starting to believe there is.
But put all those coincidences aside.. I just love his family so much. I love his brother and his parents. I just feel so attached to them, especially his brother.. I can just click with him so well and I feel like I've known him all my life. Even his parents think that they've never seen that side of him when he's with me. Matt says it's because we're both introverts and love art.. I don't know.. anyway, for your information, his bro is 15, so yea.. don't even think about it. If only he was older.. lol!
Okay,.. so anyway, rebound rebound.. yeah.. Later going to see his mum and ask her for her blessings.. ask her pray for me and stuff.. oh well.. i need closure.. seriously. It seems more and more obvious to me now that there is no way we can get back together again.. Matt is just.. so cold. I used to think that our relationship was perfect.. he was everything I ever wanted. And although I had 3 relationships before that, and this is the shortest I've ever had, I would have to clear that up by saying that this is the only real relationship I've had, and the rest are just crap. This is the only relationship where I really loved the guy and put my whole heart in. Unfortunately, he didn't put his..
So yes, he broke my heart- definitely.. he broke me down to my core, and I thought I could never be broken this bad again since my crush when I was 15, but I guess I was wrong. I really coUld be broken down again. Just when I taught my heart to love again, and forget about the past experiences.. I stupidly gave him everything.
I loved him to the point where I was willing to sacrifice my family for his.. I'm still willing, by the way, because his family is just so different. I'm not saying mine is not, but.. it's a long story.
He's still the best thing that's ever happened to me, other than God, definitely. This relationship I've had with him was the shortest I've ever had, but I've enjoyed every moment of it. And I will cherish them forever. No, I'm not ready for another relationship, I've my heart still on this one. And I probably won't get over it until I see him with another girl. And I think that won't be too far from now. So I'm preparing for the worst. Preparing, not prepared.
And you know what? I don't regret loving him that much. Seriously. Because I still do. I loved him a lot, actually.. it's funny that even when I've had so many bfs, but this is the first relationship that ended like this- where the guy dumped me and I still love him so much. This is the first relationship which ended where I still love the guy with all my heart.. because the rest of them.. well.. I either dumped them or the guy was a jerk. So.. those aren't worth talking about.
In other words, to me, I only had one relationship- this one.
Okay, now.. where is God in the picture? God.. God.. I need You. You know I need You. I'm sorry people, but whatever happens between me and God is between me and God- period.
I so need God right now. People, please pray for me.
You know, unlike all the other people who goes crazy over who dumps who.. that's the least of my worries right now. That isn't my pain, not the least bit. The only pain I have right now is the fact that he doesn't love me anymore, but I still love him. So please pray for me.
this is a song i posted on 5th of july 2005
Intro: C Am Em G (x2)
F C9
Another rainy day
F Am G
I can't recall having sunshine on my face
F C9
And all I feel is pain
F Am G
And all I wanna do is walk out of this place
F
But when I am stuck and I can't move
D
When I don't know what I should do
Am D
When I wonder if I'll ever make it through
Chorus:
C
I gotta keep singing
Am
I gotta keep praising Your name
Em G
You're the one that's keeping my heart beating
C
I gotta keep singing
Am
I gotta keep praising Your name
Em G
That's the only way that I'll find healing
F
Can I climb up in Your lap
G
I don't wanna leave
Dm C F G
Jesus sing over me
C Am Em G
I gotta keep singing
F
Can I climb up in Your lap
G
I don't wanna leave
C Bb Am
Jesus sing over me
D F
Oh.. You're everything I need
C Am Em G C
And I gotta keep singing
Chords:
Am = x02210
Bb = x13331(bar chord) or xx3331
C = x32010
C9 = x3203x or x32030
D = xx0232
Em = 022000
F = 133211(bar chord) or xx3211
G = 320003
Artist: MercyMe
Copyright Credits: Written By: Bart Millard, Peter Kipley, Barry Graul Copyright: © 2004 Simpleville Music Album: Undone
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
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