Feelings... cicak on the ceiling

Cicak falling down.. but I still have feelings.

I am going to Melbourne on the 5th of May to study culinary. The course is about 2 years, and then I would probably work for another 1 year or so... and I could settle there or come back- I don't know.. want God to lead the way. I'll probably settle.. today I heard that they give like 5 grand Aussie for each kid you give birth to, and they even pay for the maternity bills.. I so want to start a family there now.. only problem now is that I want a Malaysian guy, and I am now really fussy with criteria- so that no one will qualify, ever.

And for the next 5 years, I just wish God would just tear my heart out and give it back to me one fine day.. or until He comes again, because it is giving me a really hard time. It is making me suffer.

I am so not in the mood to entertain people right now- especially people outside my family- as in friends, who are especially not very close with me. I just pissed 2 guy friends off lately who were not very close to me. I was the annoying one, I admit. So if I have pissed off anyone, I'm sorry, as I said a million times,.. and I have never seen this side of me either. I know I am immature for my age. I know I am supposed to be 22 but I so don't act or look like it. I don't even talk like it. I'm sorry. The both of you have had a lot of patience with me, and you have my respect and gratitude. But most of all, my deepest and most sincere apologies.

I am not in the mood to meet other guys, thus the reason for my pissing them off. I so don't trust guys anymore, and any guy who seems the least bit interested or even been suspected of having the slightest thought of getting to know me as more than a friend, I'd push away. I don't want anymore relationships. I just want friendships. If you are a girl, a boy who is already attached, a married man or even gay, I don't mind talking to you. Other than that, please,.. for your own good- just get lost. Even if you're not interested in me, but the possibility itself is enough to make me discriminate you, so, scram. I'm paranoid and I'm fully aware of it and I don't give a..

I don't want anymore relationships, especially not for the next few years because I want to break the cycle. I don't want to go rebounding anymore. I have done enough harm to people and to myself. I am so paranoid- every relationship is a rebound for me. I am so scared of getting into another relationship again- you have no idea. Something tells me I will never talk to another normal guy again, and I am amazed at how low my interest are in guys.. now I know how some girls end up as lesbians, but no worries- don't have interest for girls either. I simply feel like I can identify with them. The things we have in common- lack of interest for the opposite sex- never thought this day would arrive- I should be shouting 'Hallelujah!'.. revival has surely come to Anna. My interest in guys are between -5% or -55%.. or worse maybe.. all negative already..

I find it extremely challenging just to draw a smile across my face. When I see an eligible guy, I just feel like smashing a tomato into the face and kicking the victim to the moon for no apparent reason. I just want to lash out all my anger on them, as if to say- 'Who do you think you are? You're nobody.' and 'Get lost- I don't even want to see your face.'

I have never seen me in such an unreasonable angry state before. I am simply unreasonable. And I don't know why. Some things are happening to me which I cannot explain..

'I don't care who you think you are, or who the world thinks you are.. to me, you're just a nobody.'

'...because there is only one person I want to talk to right now.. and you're not him.'

and I can't talk to him, because he has gone ahead with life.. and it is not my right to disrupt the pattern of his life which has only just begun. I want the best for him- I want him to do well in his studies. I want him to get a girl he really loves and can make him happy, but also loves him. I want him to get a better life than if he were to end up with me. I bet he'd really be miserable with me because he can't force himself to love someone he doesn't, and he's about had it with me- He has pretended the whole way until he came to a point where he cannot pretend anymore, and he is tired, so so tired of pretending. He just got to end it as soon as possible, because it's just crazy.

I wish I could be his friend, though.. I wish I could still be his rebound- someone he goes to for comfort or something.. someone he actually needs. But those days are over.. he doesn't need me. The only thing he needs now is space- from me. And the only thing he wants from me is my absence and my disappearance.




* tRUST & OBey the LORD *