Singapore

Yes, I'm in Singapore now.. my Ama just passed away yesterday night - this morning. But it's kay, I guess.. I never talked with her before, I think..

Supposed to be looking for a job now.. Just finished college, collected my Letter of Completion not too long ago. This means that I should be going for interviews by now.. Honestly, I am supposed to be looking for jobs all over the world.. like, take the best job that comes across my way after weighing out all the options I have,..

But,..

But I don't have the heart to leave Malaysia even if I had the chance to.. I know that I shouldn't be influenced by other people.. I know that I have to,.. you know.. chase my dream or something like that, but.. honestly.. my dream isn't to make money and stay single for the rest of my life.. I do want to settle.. Yes, I have a vision in life which I want to accomplish and all, but.. if I think that earning money is the only way then it's all going to be out of human efforts, isn't it?

You know.. if I were to weigh out all the options I have, among all the countries in the world.. You know what I would consider as the best option? Not the one with the most pay, but the job that is in Malaysia,.. so that I still can see him.

When I come here to Singapore, I tell you.. all I can think of is finding a place to rent and a job to enquire about.. I just want to live here in Singapore.. I feel so torn between my love life and my dream of singlehood.. anyone out there like me? On one hand I want to find a job here which I can survive on and a nice place to stay by myself, to be independent and free.. but then on the other hand, I know that I'm going to miss my baby and his whole family back there in Malaysia.. I just feel so torn.. I wish I can bring him here with me.

I wish I can find a good job here in Singapore,.. you know, I have so many people telling me how many job opportunities there are here.. it's like every single person is telling me that I should come down to Singapore and work,.. not just everyone else, but people who have a big influence on my life, like my parents, my sisters, my cell leader, etc.. I just feel so.. torn and confused right now.. I want both.. I know that if I get a job in Malaysia, these people aren't going to be happy with me.

And I won't be happy with myself either, because I know that I'd just be settling for second best. And to you guys that know me well,.. Anna never settles for second best when it comes to important decision making in life. Especially when it comes to guys- she only wants the best. And if you're not the best, she'd break up with you- it's just a matter of time. But she already found her best- and he isn't just a better half- he's the best half I'll ever find in this entire lifetime. And I've never been more sure about anything else before. I just know I want this guy, and no job out there is going to match that. Guys like him, I know I will only cross paths once, and an opportunity like that means too much to me to regret. I know that if I let him go, I will never find another guy like that- not in the whole wide world.

And the only thing that can make me sacrifice him is if God specifically tells me to go overseas and work. Because you know, that God is the most important person to me, and whatever He says goes, even if it means giving up the person I cherish the most.

I know that Malaysia is not for me. I know God wants me to eventually go overseas,.. I just don't know where and don't know when. But I hope it's not now. You know what I hope? I hope that he'll go somewhere after his studies, and wherever he goes, I'll go. Yes, that's how much I love him- I'll quit my job and go. It's called priorities,.. I know not many of you will agree with me, especially you single girls out there.. but hey, there isn't exactly a formula or manual in life to give you step-by-step procedures on what you should do with your life. Different people have different priorities, I'm not saying that this priority fits everyone the same, no. I'm just saying that I'm not pro-career. If that's the kind of girl you want to be, then by all means, go ahead with your freedom. I'm not imposing my priorities on you.

There are 2 kinds of women- one is the working women- if they work at the beginning of their marriage, then high possibilities, they will spend most of their lives working and they cannot familiarize themselves with housewife life anymore- they just can't get used to it. They can't stand the slow-paced life. And then you have the housewives, who once they are housewives at the beginning of their marriage, they find it very hard to go out there into the working world because they find that they don't have the confidence and don't have what it takes. You know what? I want to be neither of them.

I may not be pro-career,.. but neither am I pro-family. Because I know that if I am pro-family, I will eventually loose my confidence and waste my life away once my children has grown up. Thinking too far? Maybe.. but hey.. this kind of things are choices that should be made early in life, because they will affect you for the rest of your lives. Seriously. The kind of woman you want to be, you have to decide now. And I want to be neither.

I definitely do not want to be a housewife, for goodness sake, if I wanted to be a housewife, why did I even study to get a degree? No, God did not make me to be a housewife- I know that much. So then, I'm going to work, isn't it? Then why not consider myself as a career woman? Go chase my dreams.. because.. because.. sigh.. because I just can't do it.



* tRUST & OBey the LORD *