Back onto my feet

As I have always said, "Letting go is not easy, it's necessary."

It's my fault, actually... it is me who keep clinging on to the past. If only I moved on, there wouldn't be a problem. I should move on.. Yesterday I saw a Cactus box.. it had this motto:



Okay, so that was pathetic.. nvm. The other day, I saw a lady wearing a black Precious Moments t-shirt, with a boy pointing to the sky, and the words 'You are always there for me'.. now that was encouraging.

There's a few people I wanna thank who has been an encouragement to me:

1. My family - mum, dad, debbie, caleb.. noel, even.. because he kissed me like 3 times for no apparent reason.. (he's about 1 years old)

2. My CF friends - seriously, you guys are always there for me, every time I break up.. Why? Why is it that you guys care so much? And how can I find the words to thank you? - This time round, it's mostly XiYing, Michell, Chris and Aaron Tam.. A few years ago, it was Joram. - thank you, guys.. you guys rock my world.. and where would I be without you?

3. Rueben. Thank you so much.. although you don't read my blog, but you seriously have encouraged me.

4. Matt's family - mum, dad, andrew.. - thank you so much. I've never met anyone like you guys, and if anything happens to Matt one day, know that I will always be there, and I will take you guys as my responsibility. Sometimes I wonder how God could not be in the picture, because to know people like you guys is truly a miracle in itself. It's so hard to believe that a gift so perfect like you guys could not have came from God.. for every perfect gift is from above.

Sigh.. emo emo..
So yea, that's about it.. I didn't tell a lot of people, and those that I need to tell, I just ask them to go read my blog. And some, I don't even have to ask. Once they know that something is wrong, they just go read it themselves- now that's what I call a true friend..

Let me elaborate a bit more.. Aaron Tam.. aahhah.. thanks for the stuff which I can't mention here.. =P, which only you and I and Xiying knows about.. heh heh..

and XiYing, thank you so much.. ...for Aaron Tam :D if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't know him and Daniel Sim as much.. and especially, thanks for Daniel.. *cough cough*.. no lar.. that fellar so hard to contact, I give up de.. lolz! Okay, lar.. sincere sincere.. erm.. thanks for making the whole world around me disappear when I'm talking to you =) when I am talking to you, I just get carried away and nothing else seems to matter, even when I am with Matt.. I just get so drawn to you, XiYing.. I think I'm les.. lol! *cough cough*.. =P come on, baby.. light my fire.. ^^
Yeahh, baby..

*Aherm* sorry.. got carried away again.. see what I mean? I wasn't kidding, was I? She's hot, and we're not! =.="

I can't wait to meet up with XiYing and Aaron -those babes rock my world.. oh no! wait, did I just call Aaron a babe? Babes are for girls, are they not? Oh, sorry, babe.. :D

We should seriously go out more.. really, because when I am stuck at home here with my family, they just remind me more of my second family back home.. It's like, the more time I spent with my family and eat the food at home, the more I wish I was in Matt's house, with his family.. sounds weird, no? Sometimes I wonder if I am being ungrateful for what I have, and perhaps the grass just looks greener on the other side, you know what I mean?

Seriously, when I sit down to eat here, it's like.. is that food in front of me? What happened to the green on the veggies? It's hardly green anymore.. when it was freshly cooked, it was still green - I saw! but now it's just.. brownish.. okay, sorry viewers,.. I know I'm destroying your appetite..

And when Jie Debbie brings back food which Caleb's mum made, and when I put some into my mouth, all of a sudden, I get emo and all.. because it reminds me of Matt's mum's cooking.. how she always made stuff to eat.. cheesecake, those cereal stuff, choco chip cookies.. okay, I shouldn't mention them here.. later emo summore..

Sigh.. honestly,.. when I am with my family here.. my sisters have their own husbands and everything, and I just feel so.. alone. It actually makes me feel worse when I am with my family - not better. They're all so occupied with families and talking about their husbands and all.. one cannot believe how emo I can get back here.. I guess that's why two of my previous posts were so emo.. it's like.. why must I be alone... when will I have someone to sweep me away and I get to give everything I've got.. when will I have a chance to go to a home- to a place where I belong? and say that my future lies here.. that this is my family. This is my life. This is where I'll be 20 years, 50 years down the road.. here, with my husband and my kids.. but now, it's like.. it's just me.

Enjoy singlehood.. seriously, is there anything to enjoy? Enjoy what? Flirting around with guys? I've so grown out of that, and I'm so sick of it. Play computer games? No, I'm sorry, but I've grown out of that too.. even Sims2. Watching movies is all I do now, but how long can a movie last? 2 hours? Episodes are a waste of time.. and besides, I have no one to spent that kind of time with me.

Singlehood.. People tell me, "You're still young, be patient,.. you still have a long way to go.. there are plenty of guys out there.. just enjoy life at the moment.." I know I sound like an old maid, but seriously,.. I'm getting older.. I'm 22 this year and I previously wanted to get married like in 24 or 25 the most.. I know I look young and all but seriously.. I do want to get married and have kids.. and when I say that, immediately, people tell me.. "Anna, I think you should go for an older guy,- a more matured guy.." .. I don't know, la.. whatever it is, I'm not interested in finding a guy.. sounds cliche, no? But seriously.. crazy as it may sound, I wanna get married young, but I'm tired of relationships.. I'm so confused.. one time, I think that I fed up with all these, and another time, I think that there's nothing I want more..

Besides.. older guys are just so.. sigh.. so not my type. Okay, so since I'm in this topic, let me draw out my criteria for a future.. erm.. for my dream guy,..

1. Must be spiritual. Must love God, and really read God's word. Because in John 14:23,24, Jesus said, "If anyone loves Me, he will keep my word". Okay, I know that as soon as I start quoting scriptures, whoever you are, you may start to freak out.. 'Oh,.. she's one of those Jesus freaks..'. Well, if you're freaked out, and if you're a guy or girl, I'm sorry, but you're just not my type.

2. Must appreciate me for who I am. Okay, so no one does.. sigh. Someone who loves me so so much.

3. I must really love that person. That person must really be something, in my own eyes, at least..

4. That person has to be tough.. I don't want a whimper, a whiner, a chicken or anything in that category, thank you. And spoilt brats are sissy guys.

5. Visions, values, culture, all has to be the same.. Especially when it comes to beliefs, you know even same church, you can have people with different beliefs.. you get what I mean la.. and finding a guy in this category alone is hard enough. But who cares.. he's got to come find me.

And this is one of the reasons why it was so hard letting Matt go.. because he was everything I ever wanted.. except that he didn't love me at all..

You know, sometimes I wonder, if I did things differently, perhaps he would still love me.. because that look in his eyes when we first started.. they're just.. unmistakable.. Either that, or he's just a really good actor, or perhaps, that's when he didn't know me yet- and then when he started to really get to know me, he didn't like me anymore,.. that's why I blame myself so much.. because it must've been something I did- like maybe I was too sticky.. I guess I loved him a little too much.. perhaps God wasn't so important anymore.. that's why this had to happen. If that is so,.. I'm sorry, I'm really really sorry,.. You can do anything You want,.. because You're God.. and all power belongs to You.

Talking about God,.. there was something I really wanted to share.. There is a song I really love.. and this song has helped me up in this time.. I had such a revelation.. It's called, 'I Adore', by Hillsongs. I think it's officially my favourite song now because of how it has touched my life and this is the song that has put me back onto my feet again.

You know, in times like this, I came to a place where I just wanted to end my life- it's normal, isn't it? We all go through that road.. but when I sang this song, I just, for once, found something I enjoyed doing - worshipping, adoring God. And the whole world around me just fades away, and I am in Heaven, and God is sitting there in front of me, and all He wants to do is listen to my song, to me playing my guitar and singing. He is my only audience, and He is pleased with me. And He understands me. He is that Person in my heart.

Anyway,.. I had such a revelation - if I really wanted to end my life, then nothing else matters. This whole world and everyone and everything in it doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I can just forget about the world like I have no past and no future. I am no one, I am just who I am, and when I sing this song to God, I am worshipping God, and this is what I live for. I just live to adore God, to love God and to worship God. And since I wanted to end my life, it has no meaning and no value anymore. Why don't I just spend the rest of the time, just loving God and worshipping Him.. at least my life has a purpose in it.

I dedicated my life back to God yesterday. Now I just live for Him. He is the only purpose for my existence - I don't even live for myself- whatever I do - the food I eat, the clothes I wear, everything is just for God alone. He is the only person worth living for - not my husband, not my children, not my family - no one. Because man always disappoints. And since I don't have a husband or kids, I can live for God wholly. I don't have to be caught up in the affairs of this world. So it's better for me to remain single. I don't want to get married, I just want to live for God. Because He is the only one worth living for, and nothing and no one else matters anymore.


I Adore - Hillsongs

       E      EM7    C#m
I. The universe is at Your feet
   A   B
Gives You praise evermore
E              EM7     C#m
The stars will light the sky for You
    A    B
And always God be praised
    
      A     B
Pre Chorus: And we sing the Lord is on high
         C#m   A   C#m   B
The Lord is on high
    
   E/G#   A         F#m-G#m    B
Chorus: I adore You,  I   adore       You
                 A            G#m
And there's none that compares
         F#m        B
To Your majesty O Lord
   E/G#   A         F#m-G#m    B
I adore You,  I   adore       You
           A
And I stand
     B       E
In the wonder of Your love

 E  EM7     C#m
Bridge: We will crown You  King forever
 A   G#m   F#m  B
Living Saviour, Jesus Redeemer
 E      EM7   C#m
Lord of Heaven, Robed in majesty
 A     G#m   F#m    B
Crowned in Glory,  Creation adores You
    
 A   F#m
Coda: Holy, holy    God Almighty
 D   A/C#    Bm7   E
And forever  The Lord is exalted
 A         F#m
Hear the Angels    Shout His anthem
 D  A/C# Bm7     E
Ever-living   God we adore You

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *