Disclaimer No.2 followed by article 'He is my miracle'

Okay,.. let's skip that part about the importance of disclaimers and all and get straight to the point,.. the first disclaimer was due to an sms from a guy friend of mine which went something like this, "Hey, Anna, why must you write about me in your blog." and now the second disclaimer, embarrassingly, has been called upon as a result of another sms, this time from a gal friend of mine which went something like, "How are you anna. Be strong. Just like the parable of the lost sheep, the parable of the lost son. Daddy will never forsake us.." it went on and on and continued in her second sms, "Lonely? Wanna die? No friends? Oi! I'm not your friend now is it? Or am i just one of your abandoned friends?" Hahha.. you're right, actually.. you are an abandoned friend.. ;p

Ok.. list of disclaimers for today...oh.. and before i forget.. STOP reading my blog, woi! Even if you wanna read, don't la tell me that you're reading it! Secretly read la.. Let me blog at ease okay? And lemme write nething i wanna write.. don't make me.. err... conscious about what I write.. but thanks for telling me, anywayz.. gives me a chance to explain myself in these.. err.. 'disclaimers',.. a second chance- a chance to turn back time and amend my 'wrongs'.

So i wouldn't know what to say.. read, don't read.. whatever,... it just depends on who you are and why you read it. If you read it because it actually blesses you in some way (weird thought, though..), then by all means.. but if you're reading it so that you can pick on me then.. err.. I wouldn't want to catalyze such sin. So check your heart before reading my blog, please. If you're just reading because you have nothin' better to do then, I know I am a good entertainer, so,.. go ahead and read it.. All in all, I still can't choose who reads my blog and who doesn't, can I? To tell you the truth,.. some posts, I want the world to read, while others,.. I don't want people I know to read.. so.. well.. then again, if I didn't want anyone to read, I wouldn't even have posted it here, right? However, I do not own a personal blog. This is as personal as it gets. The rest are just.. boring stuff.. like.. cooking blog and so on.. so... like I said.. here goes nothin'.

Ok, so the list goes something like this:

1. The phrase "I want to kill myself" has NO relation to the state of being friendless. It is merely a human reaction to the thought of what I have done and who I am in regards to it.

2. The state of being friendless is NOT the result of being abandoned by friends but the result of abandoning them. No, I will not reveal the reasons for abandoning my friends. Different cases hold different reasons. NOT all decisions are independent decisions, I admit, but my decision nonetheless. Yes, I am a bad friend. So don't go friend me.

3. Just in case people assume otherwise, here is a new disclaimer: No, if I had a choice, I would want friends. Even Jesus had friends. Aside from God the Father and his mother, His closest friends, in my opinion were Lazarus, Mary and Martha. I think His second friend was John the Baptist, although he didn't spend much time with him. Why I put Lazarus before John, who was his cousin, was because the Bible mentioned that Jesus cried when Lazarus died, but when John the B died, there was no recordings of Jesus crying. Secondly, Jesus tried to raise Lazarus from the dead.. not John the B. :D okay, that was just a joke. The truth is, it wasn't time for Lazarus to go home, but the time for John the B had come already. I would think that John the disciple that Jesus loved was very much close to His heart too, other than Peter and James. But if you wanna know who was the closest to Jesus, you'd have to ask Him yourself. By today, millions of people have drawn closer to God and I wouldn't count myself half as close to God as most of them are..

Ok, guess what.. I just found out that Aaron Phua reads my blog to.. I think I am about to curse now.. I would have said, 'damn' but then i remembered that Joram said that the word 'damn' actually meant that you were cursing your parents to die or something, so.. I would rather restrain myself. Well,.. to encourage myself, I would just remember that this news was quite outdated so.. he probably doesn't read it anymore.. :don't worry anna:

4. Seasons come and seasons go. That season of loneliness and despair was just a passing storm. It's over now, thank God. I think I can take my bed and walk now..

Something happened at prayer meeting last night- although I slept, I was blessed.^^ After I woke up (not when I was asleep) I immediately saw a vision of myself- in a hole. It looked like a cross between a man-hole and a deep pit. Okay, imagine a pit dug into the ground in the exact shape of a man-hole. I could see the end of it.. I could see the sky.. it was a perfect circle- the hole, I meant. It was bright outside and the pit was really narrow and dark. And I was stuck at the bottom of it.

I tried to get out, climbing the walls but ended up digging in at them- it was all earth- soft earth. So soft that climbing didn't get me anywhere. It was like.. rich-chocolate-cake-crumbs soft, you know what I mean? (Weird description, but yeah, it's the best I can come up with) I tried to climb, but I couldn't even get a step higher. I wanted to get out so much. I kept looking at the light at the end. I kept desiring. It was all I could think of when I was in that situation.. It was all I could hope for. I kept pursuing. I didn't think of how I got in there in the first place at that time, I didn't even think of how to get out. I just focused at the end so much and tried so hard at something that was useless, and I didn't notice how useless it was. I was like a stupid animal. The pit was really deep, like one and a half storeys deep. It totally didn't get me anywhere digging.

Ok, so I am good at seeing stuff but really bad at interpreting what I see. I was wearing a clean pale-green and grey gym suit (before I started digging.. not quite sure what I looked like after that!)- I have no idea why I was wearing that.. I don't even wear gym stuff or even believe in going to the gym. And green? Why pale-green and grey? Like.. eww? I think it was adidas too.. Ok! Anyway..

The best interpretation I can come up with is that I wanted something so badly and I tried so hard to get it, but the method I used was all wrong. In the vision, deep within my heart, I wished someone would just notice me down there and throw me a rope. But nobody knew I was down there. Who would? I did think of asking for help but.. there was no one to call, so I just gave up and tried at it myself- I didn't think I had much of an option, anywayz.

After the whole mental picture, I asked God what it meant and all.

You are using the wrong methods to get out and you have been trying at it for so many years. You need to use a different method.

In my spirit, I just nodded in agreement, but asked, "Then what is the right method? No one is going to throw me the rope! Who? There's no one. What am I going to do? Shout?! Who can hear me from down here? Even if they heard me, they're gonna wish they didn't. I don't want to irritate people anymore. They don't like it. They told me before. They have lives of their own. I have tried before in the past. I have, God. Trust me. I know. I am NOT going to ask anyone for help- I can bet my life on that! I have been through it before- I know!!" :A moment of despair: :Sigh:

"What am I going to do?.."

....

"What is Your method?"

....

"Do You have a method for me? I can't think of any other method."

........

"Why aren't You saying anything?"

Caleb called us to start the worship..

........

"Maybe I will find out after the worship. It's okay, when God gives me a vision, I always find out the meaning sooner or later."

After the worship, He just said one sentence which touched me, but didn't make sense..

I know your struggles.

I don't really understand, but I was touched. My heart just melted. Immediately, I felt lifted up from the hole out of a sudden, I don't know why. It's like.. a single sentence just lifted me from the hole in a split second, and I didn't know what hit me. I was just out of it like that- *click* no process, no intercessors praying, no pastor laying hands, speaking in tongues, nothing. I'm just out and I knew it in my spirit that I was out. I don't know how I know, but I just know that I am out. I guess that's what people meant when they said that they 'just know' that they are healed and don't know how they know.. they 'just know'. Or like, when a lady is pregnant, she 'just knows'.

You know why I blog all these? Because this is not the first time that blogging has actually given me answers. While blogging this, I found out how the "I know your struggles" linked to the vision of the pit. Remember I said "no one knows I am down here". He totally hit the hammer on the nail there when He said, "I know your struggles." It's no wonder why, out of a sudden, I was lifted. He didn't need to pass me a rope. He just got me out of it like that- He is God. This is the power of God, but most of all- this is the character of God.

The method? He was the method. There ain't any other method. He is the method, the truth, and the life.

Remember my devotion yesterday about the five loaves and two fish? Remember I said that if I used logic, I will never get out? No, actually, that's not what I said. I said if I used logic, I will never be able to find the solution. But in this case, yeah, if I used logic, I will never be able to get out. Your ears have to be sharp, and you must be obedient. You must hear for yourself what the Spirit wants you to do. In the end, it takes a miracle- and I got out because of a miracle- He is my miracle.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *