Pathetic Pleas of a Pathetic Loner

I shall be very honest with you.. I am just an ordinary youth, nothing special about me, I am no Holy Angel. Holy Angel is just my nick and what I wish to be someday. But right now, I am merely human. I've made mistakes that last me a lifetime and sometimes I wonder if I have done more wrong than right.

The things I go through in life are just an average of what youth these days go through, though not as bad as most. I am sure that the things I go through are not even half of what my peers go through sometimes. I still consider myself blessed most of the time, and I rarely consider myself 'less fortunate', though there are times where I envied others. These 'others' are then again but the few.

Want to know about people I envy? Hehe.. :) The people I envy the most are either those whose parents are close to them or those that are the super pure and holy type, who has never been in a relationship and has never been kissed. Above all, I envy those who are both. Other people I envy but not as much are those who can play instruments really well, especially the piano and secondly, the guitar. I guess it's because I had a prophecy once that I could play the piano, but never made it well, and the guitar is because my dad plays it, and I always admired guys who can play it. I also envy those whose maturity surpasses their age, I guess we all do.

Surprisingly, I don't envy those who have intimacy with God because I consider myself as one of them already.. I don't envy those who aren't PKs (Pastor's Kids), on the contrary, I find myself blessed that I actually am. I am grateful for the spiritual inheritance that is due to us, yet quite unafraid of the spiritual attacks that comes along with them. I honestly love the attention from people, though I may profess otherwise *grins* (oops,.. was that a grin?). I am time and again forever grateful for the grace that abounds to us from the policeman when one caught me without an I/C and the driving examiner when he found out what my dad works as and later passing me (I failed 4 times altogether).

Ok, so back to the topic.. the top 7 things I tell myself every morning for the past one week is as follows: (7 being least said and 1 being most said)
WARNING: If you're already depressed, please don't read this!

7. I can't take it anymore (yes, sissy me)
6. Lord, please help me..
5. Where did I go wrong?
4. Why am I so sad / like that?
3. What is wrong with me?
2. I hate myself
1. I want to kill myself (Don't worry, although I say it the most, I don't have the guts to do it, and I don't quite have a good reason.. and like I said, I'm just an average youth.. I'm not perfect.)

So,.. yeah.. I'm far from being a role model.. I have my struggles,.. and I guess the biggest struggle right now is the sadness on my face.. those who have met me face to face will know that there is this constant sadness on my face that doesn't seem to fade. I guess they have wondered why that face.. I guess they were all wondering what is wrong with me and with that sad face I have been wearing for years and years and years of my life.. I myself have been wondering, actually.. Especially this week, when I am alone in my room, and the pain is ever so loud... Sigh.. ok, now you are actually wondering if I am a 'ministering case',.. haha..eww... let's hope not!

I found the answer- the sadness on my face is the result of the pain in my heart. Yes, honestly comes out once and for all.. and I shall say it again.. the sadness on my face which I can't get rid off is just an expression of the pain I feel in my heart which I can't get rid off. There is this constant pain.. even now, I can feel it, and the pain gets louder once in a while, sometimes when I am alone, and sometimes when I am with a really big group of people. When certain things happen, it just triggers the pain that increases ever so loudly and then gradually decreases back to it's normal faint scratch in my heart.

I used to think it's because of my past.. and this one week the Holy Spirit has been dealing with me,.. I have been talking to Him a lot, discussing the reason behind the sadness on my face, cried about it and all.. Digging out the trash..

Well, I soon came to realize something very provoking and surprising which I wonder why I didn't realize earlier- that although the main reason is because of my past, the reason why I keep forgiving and yet nothing is happening is because the wound is still fresh. And everytime I forgive, the wound heals but then a knife cuts the same wound open again. It's no wonder the pain never seems to go away and it's no wonder why everytime I get out of it that I fall back in again.

It's not so much the past then.. it's the present. I was being hurt ever so consistently that the sadness on my face remains all these years. Pathetic pain. It's no wonder why sometimes the pain hurts even more than other times- my cut has just been re-opened.

I dug even more.. Who was hurting me? What is wrong with me? Is it my behaviour that causes me to get hurt? Am I just being sensitive? Why is it that other people don't get hurt? Am I being childish?

I had to get down to the exact things in life that hurts me the most, and I realized that all those times when I was hurt, it was the little things that kept hurting me. You won't believe it- things that people would regard to as 'harmless', I would react in such a painful way.. I wonder why?

Figured it out- do you remember the time when you had your biggest accident in your life? And the wound on your leg/hand took a really long time to heal? Well, imagine if just ten minutes after the accident, someone sitting next to you just touched that wound? OUCHH... yes,.. the simple things in life which wouldn't hurt others hurt me badly.. a touch would be harmless, wouldn't it? No,.. it wouldn't. Not to that wound, it wouldn't.

Sometimes I would hide myself in the room... I guess what I was actually pleading was, "Stop touching me!!!! Stop touching my wound, it hurts bad enough already.. you're just making it worse." And when the Holy Spirit tries to dig out certain things and hit the jackpot, it's like a nurse putting medicine on the wound and hitting the jackpot.. I found myself crying over stupid things that I wouldn't even dare mention here. Pathetic. Then I find myself saying things like.. "I hate myself." Hate myself for being so pathetic.

The pain hurts, yes it does.. incredibly hurts. And you know what's the pathetic part of it all? I'm not done yet.. Still have digging to do.. just don't dare to get into it just yet.. give me some time to rest first... the tension and trauma is incredible. I need a break.




* tRUST & OBey the LORD *