Damn.. I screwed up again...

Sigh.. drafted 17 times today. I suck, yes, I know.. so I'm not perfect.. big deal. I've just got to learn from my mistakes.. I do hope I will be more careful.. growing pains, they call it. I better grow this time.. My blog is censored now.. And it will continue to be, sorry for restraining honesty from you guys.. It was my dream to make this the most honest blog you can find, though.. It's still honest.. just.. not 100% transparent.. what is, anyway?

People screw up.. I just happen to screw up more often than most.. Haha,.. and XiYing, that includes you- I screw up more than you, you just didn't watch me screw up as much as you watched yourself. I screwed up big time.. big time after big time.. and I never seem to learn. As I said, I suck.. yes.. totally. I didn't realize how immature I am until I get around others.. When I am alone, I think that I am the most matured person on the planet.. until I screw up again.. and I screw up when I am around others- because the actions of others affect us, and vice versa.

Screwed up.. oh boy.. Anna.. when will you ever learn? *slaps herself on the face* it's no wonder my name is 'grace'.. I need that maximum.

Well... it's Christmas Eve, my family is enjoying our annual Christmas dinner and here I am- blogging.. Blogging about some flippin' screw driver who never learns..

So many things I can't say here.. but at least I can talk about my low self esteem- I hate myself. I screwed up and now I hate myself.. I hate every single part of me. I hate me for being me. I'm sorry God.. I'm sorry for my low self confidence.. I'm sorry I am so much like me, and so little like You.. Why can't I be perfect? Like You? Even if I am not perfect.. at least.. why can't I improve? Change? Why can't I have more self confidence, at least? My thorn in flesh. Sigh.

I suck, I really do. Do you know why I try to hate myself every time I screw up? So that when people hate me, it's not so bad. I try to hurt myself so that when other people hurt me, I don't feel it. That's what we do.. when a mosquito bites us, we try to mark it with a minus or plus sign, so that it won't be so itchy. When we have a headache, we try to bang our head on the wall, so that we don't concentrate on the pain in our head, but the pain outside our head. That's what we do- distract ourselves from the pain that we are trying very much to avoid- bring rejected by others.

I thought that if I hate myself, then when others hate me, it won't be so bad- I was the first to reject myself anyway, at least people will agree with me that I suck.. now I actually feel like I'm on the winning side.. Get it? Sigh.. it's like.. I know that my enemy is going to kill me, so before he reaches here, I take the sword and plunge it into my heart, at least I die with honor.. ahah.. the things people do in order to avoid being affected by others..

If I talk enough about how bad I feel, then I will feel good later.. I mean, who created that concept in the first place? Disappoint myself now, so that I won't be disappointed by others later- same concept. Then why don't you just kill yourself now, so that you won't have to face death later? -silly bunch of idiots. That includes myself..

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *