When I have infatuations, I normally don't even know the guy. So I thought about it this morning- and if you're similar to me, think about it- the people whom you had crushes on. Do we really know them?
Of course we think at first- yes, I do. But if we really take time to think about it: How many years have we really known them? (Not how many years we know them) How many things have we went through together? (Just two of us) Do we even have strong experiences embossed in both of our memories? (Note I said BOTH) Does he/she remember them? Does it meant anything to him/her? (If we were that close, we would know) How many experiences? Just one or two? A couple? Let's think about all those crushes one by one. I'll give you a couple of minutes to ponder one by one... [ 3 minutes obtained! ] Well? Start pondering.. and keep the answer to yourself. I will not discuss it.
Now that I think about it, even the three biggest crushes I have ever had in my whole life had nothing to do with love. I just wanted their love. Wanting them to love me and loving them are two opposite things. Let's ponder again.. Did we love them or did we just want them to love us? [ 2 minutes obtained! ]
This is a major rule in appraising love. If we don't know them, we don't love them. It's just like with God. Yes, we know and love God, but do we know and love that person whom we thought we loved? I don't know about you, but I really have to admit- I know not one of them. Not even one. Do you want to think about it too? [ 1 minute obtained! ]
Aside from the three huge crushes I have had, I have had three boyfriends (and mind you, the three boyfriends I have had aren't any of those crushes -yes, I had a miserable life). To tell you the truth, I only got to know my boyfriends after I became their girlfriend. And obviously, the reason why I'm finally single today- we got to know each other. And when we finally did know each other, we still didn't love each other anyways.
The reason why sometimes these relationships (I'm not saying all relationships - I'm not that cold yet) - the reason why some of these relationships still hang on are because we have the strong desire to be loved. But the fact that we still aren't loved remains. So there you have these two birds, so not in love, but so want to be loved. And that desire to be loved is so strong that no matter how much they don't love each other, they are willing to allow themselves to believe that they do just so that they have a chance of being loved back. But deep within their hearts, they know that this relationship is not all that.
Yes, life was miserable for me. Been there- done that. Three desperate relationships came out of nowhere- most of my long-term friends don't even know the guy's name. They were like - hi.. what's your name - kind of idea.
Not all relationships are like that- but for relationships that are formed out of the blue, not knowing who the heck the other person is for real - those relationships are just a dramatic play- a drama, a movie, an act. So finally I admit - finally, finally - I admit that none of the relationships I have had were real. I never knew them and when I finally got to, I didn't love them.
It is devastating, but true. And the last relationship I have had lasted for one year, did bad things with him and all - but while the relationship was going on, I still had infatuations for other guys - can you believe it? I was SO not in love. Thank God that was over with. I felt guilty and all for dumping such a caring boyfriend, but I didn't miss him anyways.
Cold? No, not cold- just not in love. Is that a crime? In a way yes, lying to someone that I loved him when I didn't. But then again, it is a white lie because I loved him as a person, I was just not in love with him. The same goes for the earlier two boyfriends - didn't love them either.
What about the three crushes? Well, at first, I used to think that - oh, the three boyfriends? I didn't love them as much as I loved my three huge crushes. And until now, I still have feelings for one or two of those crushes - but it was only until this morning when I realized- much to my horror- that I had never even loved those three crushes. I wanted their love and their attention. But only in the name of being loved back. No you say? I used to say I would love them even if they didn't love me. (Now, THAT is ultimate misery- I agree, it is) But the desire to be loved by them is the fuel that keeps the engine running- this fact, my friend, is unavoidable. Isn't it the Greatest dream of all time that our 'Prince Charming' or 'Knight in Shining Armour' or 'Everything I ever wanted' to actually be with us one day? And really love us more than they love anyone else in this planet? So there it is - the fuel that keeps the fire burning- the desire to be loved, not love in itself.
If you still don't believe me that I said you didn't really love your huge crush, then think about what I said earlier- that you don't even know them. And be honest with yourself for once in your life - I had my honesty treatment this morning- finally. I guess we all will have at one point in our lives if you're lucky. It took many years before I got this treatment (14.5 years to be exact), so be thankful you bumped into it here in my blog. (How stuck up you are, Anna!) Just kidding - thank God later. (*sweat) So be honest- how close are we to that person? Does that person consider us close? [ 10 seconds obtained! ] Are we 'best friends'? If yes, for how long? Just one year? [ 10 seconds obtained! ] Unless we have reached either official 'close friend' or 'best friend' status, I highly doubt it. Even if we did reach that status, how long have we been this close? Ultimately, the real question is,- how much do we know that person? [ 1 minute obtained! ] No one can provide this answer but us ourselves, that person and God. Unless you can say, 'Almost everything.' Then you can forget about saying 'I love that person'.
And if you are now in a dilemma of thinking whether you can accept so and so to be your next boyfriend or girlfriend, unless you can say, 'I know almost everything.' then you can forget about getting into that relationship and forget about saying, 'I love you' at all. I wish there were practical guidelines for me to follow before I accepted those guys as my boyfriends, but there weren't that I knew of. Now I feel like coughing blood to actually think that I could even call them my boyfriend without knowing even a heck or two about them. *cough *cough
Okay, so you want to know about my three huge crushes? The second crush I had, I was 14. I shall give him another name, so you guys won't know who it is- Jonathan. Okay, so Jonathan was like.. THE cutest guy in the world to me- I still think he is. But I started to like him when he was not even around- odd you say? No.. weeiirrrrrd... Okay, it started out like.. I liked Anthony before this guy, but one day, my sister was crapping about how 'spiritual' Jonathan was, that I ended up liking Jonathan instead of Anthony at the end of the day (*sweat). So anyways- here is a first hint- I hardly knew him. So remember - the time of which I first started to like him, I didn't know him. By the time I did know him, 'love' covered most of his weaknesses, it really didn't matter to me. We e-mailed everyday (during those days, the only chat engine was IRC- yes, that long ago! And I didn't know how to use IRC.. I didn't belong to the IRC generation) We chatted on the phone almost alternate days for a few hours each time. Sometimes he called me, sometimes I called him. I upgraded to close friend, but not officially. Well in other words, he said I was his close friend and all, but no third party actually noticed it, if you know what I mean- it wasn't public- the world around us didn't seem to think so. So, what kind of 'close friend' is that? Anyway, he had a huge crush on my best friend.. so after almost a year of spending close time with him, he was off and away chasing my best friend during Christmas holidays and never even laid an eye on me. My heart broke and I had no one to go to because my sister just got married and was off on her honeymoon with my parents..(don't ask), and I was home alone.. kinda.
So I needed someone to share to, and my attention went back to Anthony. I called Anthony my godbrother, was very close to him too. He used to say he loved me as a sister and I would say that I loved him as a brother. By now I had a handphone - I was 15. Text messaged each other everyday. The minute I came home from school, I would run to my mobile phone and I knew that I had something to see. (We weren't allowed to bring it to school) So we often chatted on the house phone and sometimes e-mailed. Then every now and then we would stay-over at my sister's, now happily married. At the stay-overs, he would help me out with my homework, just like a normal brother would, but much sweeter. And then we would chat a lot. Okay, so I did get to know him, but when I first started to like him, I didn't know him, so once again, much of this 'love' covered all the weaknesses, that I accepted them anyways. In the end, I guess he found out that I liked him, and never messaged me or anything ever again. Yes, I was heartbroken, worse than ever before- this was the biggest heartbreak of my life- I accepted the fact that I was fat so as to suit his preference for material girls- didn't eat well, developed a bit of anorexia- no breakfast - half an apple/pear/tomato for recess, half an apple/pear/tomato for lunch and one apple/pear/tomato for dinner. I didn't have the courage to kill myself, but when I laid my head to sleep, I thanked God that the day has finally ended, and just hope that I can let go of the pain I was carrying that whole day, only to wake the next morning to my horror- and spend that next day looking forward to nightfall once again in order to end all the pain. It carried on for almost two years.. Surprisingly, I don't have feelings for him anymore. No idea why.. maybe from all the numbness of being hurt by him once before, but I guess it is mainly because he just ain't my taste anymore.
2 years meant that I was then 18. I had two boyfriends - lasted a sick 6 months each. When I was 19, I met someone extraordinary, among everyone I have ever met in my entire life, I would say, he was my greatest role model aside from Jesus and my parents. Now I look up to him more as a father than anything else, although he is only 2 years my senior, but his experiences in life and understanding of such things has brought forth such a maturity within him that I can only hope to be half of who he is. My respect for him has outlived any crush I can have for any guy including himself, to state the obvious. Okay, in lay man's term, I respect him so much more than any 'feelings' I can have for him. So, yes, I did have a crush on him, but I hardly knew him, knew him, if you know what I meant. I knew him enough to respect him. And I respect him for what I know of him. But I wish I can get to know more of him and would desperately want him to teach me all that he knows.
A year later, I was 20 and had a third boyfriend for another year and a couple of infatuations later, and now, I'm still a single 21 year old girl. No more infatuations for guys now? Err... haha.. I am still human, my dear. And still a youth at that! But.. I'm learning, and what God has taught me this morning means so much to me. I hope that I shall remember it for the rest of my life - a simple statement but true - that all this time, I have never really loved any of them and none of them have ever really loved me, even if they thought they did.
I hope you find an answer - and even if you find out that it was love, so what?! It will simply mean that you're even more miserable than those that found out it wasn't. Devastating, yes.. I feel sorry for you.
P/S: Love at first sight? Don't even think about it!
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
No comments:
Post a Comment