The March in Putrajaya

Here are some links about the march..

At Putrajaya - video clip
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YdU9jIVl0U

At Putrajaya - report on what happened..
http://joshoks.multiply.com/journal/item/169/THE_MARCH_I_was_there

Police Stopping buses from entering Putrajaya.. lol
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrC3jk3ljlU&mode=related&search=


Oh.. and i spotted another corruption video.. ahaha.. not Putrajaya one..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gnbv7ZSoXQU&mode=related&search=


* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

you HAVE to watch this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWNoiVrJDsE

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

My sorrow overwhelms me

27 September 2007
Daniel 10

16 And suddenly, one having the likeness of the sons of men touched my lips; then I opened my mouth and spoke, saying to him who stood before me, “My lord, because of the vision my sorrows have overwhelmed me, and I have retained no strength. 17 For how can this servant of my lord talk with you, my lord? As for me, no strength remains in me now, nor is any breath left in me.” 18 Then again, the one having the likeness of a man touched me and strengthened me. 19 And he said, “O man greatly beloved, fear not! Peace be to you; be strong, yes, be strong!” So when he spoke to me I was strengthened, and said, “Let my lord speak, for you have strengthened me.”

Explanation:
When I thought about my friend that has a terrible sickness and not going to live forever, I can't help it but to be really sad. He is a really close friend of mine and the thought of going for his funeral soon.. I don't want to go for his funeral so soon. He is my friend. I don't want to loose a friend like him. Boyfriends can be replaced, but friends can't-at least I know this one can't. I was really sad and I told you how sad I was.. I said I needed You to help me because I am really sad right now.. and 'my sorrow overwhelms me'. If he dies, I'm really going to miss him- I'd cry like crazy. Now I wish I could spend more time with him. I wish I could do anything for him- take care of him as a friend. Good friends don't come easily, and I for one knows that very well. I appreciate friends like that.

Application:
You strengthen me, O Lord.. even when I am sad, Lord, You give me the strength to make it through somehow.



* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

MALAYSIA : WHITE RIBBON

Link: http://www.jeffooi.com/2007/09/sep_26_save_our_judiaciry_marc.php

"SAVE JUDICIARY: Lawyers to march to Putrajaya on September 26, 2007 (Wednesday)

A Bar Council-sponsored March from the Palace of Justice to the Prime Minister's Office in Putrajaya will be held on the coming Cabinet Meeting Day.

The Purpose: To give a memo to the Cabinet calling for the setting up of a Royal Commission to investigate issues jeopardising the Judiciary.

The March:
- 09:00am: Chartered buses to leave Bar Council (for those who need transport)
- 11.00am: Meet at the staircase of Palace of Justice.
- Attire: Black-and-white attire, with jacket

The march is open to the Public to take part."

In support of those who are standing up for justice,
the bar council (JUDGES AND LAWYERS) who is
marching, and the Agong, I would like to encourage
the tying of WHITE ribbons as a show of support
and the passing around of the WHITE ribbon,
STARTING FROM THIS POST, NOW.



PUT THEM ON YOUR SCHOOL BAGS AND ANYTHING
YOU CAN.

Agape,


___________________
(The Official Agaper)

(Please copy paste this to pass the word around
before this Wednesday. You may also put it in your
Friendster testi)

I Still Believe - Jeremy Camp

Whenever I am sad and really dissapointed.. this song comes to my mind.. enjoy..
The original is in Eb. So here are the chords.. if you want the guitar tabs or a different version, click here.

Intro (D       A/C#) (D/F#       G)

Verse 1
(D            A/C# )        (D/F#         G )      
Scattered words and empty thoughts
(D            A/C# )        (D/F#         G )      
Seem to pour from my heart
(D            A/C# ) (D/F#         G )      
I've never felt so torn before
(D            A/C# )                  (D/F#         G )      
Seems I don't know where to start


Bridge         
            Bm               A              G                         
But it's now that I feel your grace fall like rain
                     Bm          A                            G
From every fingertip washing away my pain

Chorus
D           A/C#              G            
I still believe in your faithfulness
D            A/C#              G              
I still believe in your truth
D          A/C#              G              
I still believe in your holy word
(D              D/F#)     G                D(intro) 
Even when I don't see I still believe
*Between chorus and ending - use (Bm     A)(G     A) instead of D(intro)

Verse two:  same as 1
Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare

Bridge

Chorus

Ending
        (Bm          A  )            (G                A)      
The only place I can go is into Your arms
        (Bm                       A  )            (G                A)      
Where I throw to You my feeble prayers
      (Bm          A  )                   (G                A)      
In brokeness, I can see that this is Your will for me
G                                        A      
Help me to know You are near

Chorus



Intro: D A/C# F#m G

D         A/C#      F#m   G
Scattered words and empty thoughts
D       A/C#         F#m G
Seem to pour from my heart
D          A/C#    F#m  G
I've never felt so torn before
D             A/C#          F#m G
Seems I don't know where to start
Bm                 A         G
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
Bm         A         G
From every fingertip washing away my pain



D         A/C#          G
I still believe in your faithfulness
D         A/C#          G
I still believe in your truth
D         A/C#          G
I still believe in your holy word
Bm                G              D     A/C# F#m G
Even when I don't see, I still believe




D          A/C#            F#m       G
Though the questions still fog up my mind
D             A/C#            F#m  G
With promises I still seem to bear
D         A/C#    F#m      G
Even when answers slowly unwind
D               A/C#       F#m G
It's my heart I see you prepare
Bm                  A          G
But its now, that I feel, your grace fall like rain
Bm         A         G
From every fingertip washing away my pain




D         A/C#          G
I still believe in your faithfulness
D         A/C#          G
I still believe in your truth
D         A/C#          G
I still believe in your holy word
Bm                G              D     A/C# F#m G
Even when I don't see, I still believe



Bm A G A



Bm       A          G           A
Well the only place I can go is into your arms
Bm      A            G         A
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers well in
Bm         A              G             A
brokenness I can see that this was your will for me
Bm         G                 Asus
Help me to know that you are near




D         A/C#          G
I still believe in your faithfulness
D         A/C#          G
I still believe in your truth
D         A/C#          G
I still believe in your holy word
Bm                G              D     A/C# F#m G
Even when I don't see, I still believe



I still believe (repeat 8 X's)



Ohhh, i still believe, i still believe

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

The Malaccans made me cry

Yes, it's Malacca again- two weeks in a row. Last week, I went there with my mum and ebbie's family. Mum had to preach- she preached on dad's message- but she added her own little bit to it- she said that Malacca is the pioneer of LRC, and LRC is the forerunner of Malaysia, so therefore, this is where it will all start. LRC Malacca has a calling for worship- you put the 3 generations together and you will get that Sound of Heaven coming forth. Sound of Heaven- remember? The 13 states- releasing the Sound of Heaven in every state. Okay, so some of you may not understand what it is about.. never mind. So I guess it will start from Malacca. The older generation has to impart to the younger generation, and the younger generation cannot leave the older one behind- bring them along~!

This week, Becky preached on dad's message too, but.. with her own little bit too~! And seems to me that without discussing, Becky and mum came out with more or less the same thing. Becky said- God spoke to her that LRC Malacca has the calling for worship. That the older generation should give way to the younger generation to release the Sound of Heaven and that the younger generation are musically very talented. She said Malacca branch seems to have music in their bones! They spawned out all these young talented people..

Isn't it amazing how God can use two people to say the same thing? I hope the Malaccans caught it~! Such a powerful revelation..

Okay, so back to last week,.. well, last week, I managed to eat SATAY CELUK!! Yeah, man.. your sliver drippin' yet?? I never had such a nice satay celuk in my life! Haahhaha.. it was great.. I ate the fishballs, kangkung, that brown thing put inside the bah kut teh wan.., cockels, fried wanton, aiyo.. so many things, lor!

Then, I went to the Pahlawan shopping center and Mahkota. But so sad, that time my didi Micheal not free. I call him but he said that he got tuition then go for music practice then go home and help his dad manage the restaurant business then after that he so tired! So I dare not tell him that I am in Malacca.. I just kept it a secret only, then next day give him surprise in church~! Mwhahahah... Summore he said that when I go to Malacca he will drive me around.. (because I never sit in his driving before..)

And then so ngam Isaac from Malacca sms me and told me his email address.. Hehehe.. I was like.. 'eh? I got ask him meh? Eh? He knows I'm in Malacca meh?' but actually he dunno lor.. then I suddenly got revelation! I realized that he suddenly message sure got reason one. Then I message him back, 'Just only sign up for e-mail, ah?'.. haha.. then he replied yes, lor! haha.. so poor thing.. now only sign up.. klar.. so I told him that I was in Malacca. Then I told him not to tell my didi.. hehe..

Then later we go buy kuih piring.. hehe.. they all didn't recognize my sis~! Hahaha.. good thing, lor! But the kuih piring superrrrr nice! I tell you,... nothing like it, man! Aiyo.. now I keep thinking of it only... >.< wehhh.. Jasmine.. I want ur kuih piring laaa....... :( So sad~!!!!

Oklor.. then next day woke up at like 3.30am. hahaha.. siao.. cannot sleep.. then keep thinking thinking.. (I slept same room with my mum).. then i heard somebody giggling in her sleep.. i wonder who.. ahahhaha... klar.. normally rite, I sleep with xiying, I hear her turn and toss in her bed and say all kinds of struggling noises.. like someone was really irritating her.. and then when I sleep with Michel during YPS also.. she also turn and toss and not happy about something.. but then when I sleep with my mum.. wahlao.. she can laugh, eh.. >.<

Oklar.. and then next day go to church.. saw Ah Shua playing keyboard and Ah Mic playing guitar.. hehe.. then Ah Shua saw my hair..ahahahahhaha... then he gimme the shock shock face.. ahahha.. and then after all the worship all.. then Ah Shua whispered to Ah Mic that Anna JieJie at the back.. and then he turn and saw me there- like he saw a ghost~! ahahha.. siao man.. I successfully sked him~! =P

Budden after everything also, Ah Mic had to go back straight because he got tuition.. so sad hor~!? >.< yeah lor.. so then after that also go home already.. hehe.. it's ok, mar.. right? Because next week coming again~~!!! Yay~!!!!

Hahaha... so then next week come again already lor! I followed Ah Ber and Gene come the day before wan.. hehe.. actually i supposed to come on saturday wan.. then Ah Ber asked me if i wanna follow him on friday or not.. so i thought that my cell going 2 groups- one on friday and one on saturday.. but friday i dont know if I got class or not.. so then i said i duhno yet.. but then later found out no class.. so i faster message ah ber and told him that I am following him.. mana tau only me and gene following! So paiseh la..

Haha.. and then when my parents all found out that I am going earlier, my sis all make me carry many many things.. pity Ah Ber's car la.. >.< and then when Ah Ber fetch me already, he said that he so hungry.. because he fetched us, then he cannot eat dinner.. because he fetch Gene from the LRT and then fetch me summore.. summore I eat already full full and never bring food for them to eat.. feel so bad woh...

and then we stop by a petrol station.. and gene go and buy water.. ahahah.. and then Gene call Ah Ber wan.. ask him Anna want to buy water a not.. and then I say dont want. then when Gene reach the car already, I say I want and then rush out to buy.. >.< stupid a not? stupid le... because I just remember that at night I very thirsty wan.. so faster go buy water lor... aiyorr.. they two want to whack me already.. =( and then the whole time in the car we all talking la.. because sked that Ah Ber fall asleep again.. (Gene said he don't want it to be like that time in Ipoh.. when Ah Ber driving, he slept halfway.. ahahahha.. he almost hit another car.. then they all wake him up~! =P Chun, leh.. tere...)

And then in the end, end up me and Ah Ber talking about politics and Gene zzzzz.... ahahaha.. pity him also la.. exam.. and then tired.. ahahah.. then these two aunty and auncle talking about politics.. *ahem *ahem.. feel old liao..hahahahahaha.. (this is the first sign of old age- when you talking already, someone younger falls asleep) hahaha... so 1 hour plus seemed to me like 10 minutes.. no kidding.. I have no idea what else we talked about, la.. but it was fun being in the car with Gene and Ah Ber.. in the end also, Gene got wake up, la.. don't worry..

I remember halfway, Ah Ber asked me.. "Eh, Anna.. actually.. why you want to come on friday, ah? You can follow your parents tomorrow what.. they coming in the morning, right?"

"Oh.. yeah hor.. I didn't think of it la.." I was like.. eh.. why I want to come so early ah? I also don't remember.. I forgot that it all started because I thought the cell got come on friday.. so in the end I said, "You know, la.. I always want to come A.S.A.P.. the earlier the better.."

Then he was like.. "Why, ah?"

So I said.. "Because Micheal is there, mah.."

Then Gene said.. "Micheal or Micheal's *ahem *ahem.."

Then I said.. "Micheal, la.. I won't be seeing Stephanie until tomorrow, mah.."

Then Ah Ber said, "Eh? Why Micheal's *ahem *ahem wan?"

Then Gene said, "Yeah, lor.. that day chasing me for her friendster woh.."

So I said, "Where got? No lar... You gimme wan eh.."

Then we reach Ah Ber's house there.. then I was like.. "Eh? Why come here wan? Eugene no need go home ah?"

And then Ah Ber said, "No, la.. Eugene stay here, mah.."

"Eh? Is it? Really ah?"

"No, lar.."

"Then where Eugene stay?"

"Eugene stay right next to Joshua's house.."

Then Gene said, "Yeah.. right next to his house only.."

So I was like.. "Then where is Joshua's house?"

Then Gene said, "Right next to my house, la!" -_-"'

So bad hoh? Like that la.. =( bully me.. *sob *sob.. where Micheal? I want Micheal.. complain that they all bully me.. *sniff *sniff

Klar.. then take all the stuff out.. can see Ah Ber very tired already.. he not song.. pity him la.. drive so much.. now start to bully people..

OK OK.. enuff nuff.. and then go in, Ah Ber they all eat.. But I ate already, so don't want to trouble them.. then they all said that Ah Mic went out.. then only I remember that before I left PJ, when I was still at home, someone called me.. then i looked at the screen, it said 'Jeffrey'.. I was like.. "What the.." then I pick up.. then got one voice sound like Ah Mic's voice said, "Eh, Halo? You know who am I or not?"

I was like.. "err... Jeffrey?" ahahhaha.. duh.. of course la.. I see the number is Jeffrey's number mahhhh... >.< so say 'Jeffrey', laaa.... aiyooooo..

and then he was like.. "No, la, JieJie.. this is Micheal here..."

Then I was like.. "Oh,.. Okay.."

"You are on the way already? Reaching Malacca already or not?"

Then I was like.. "I still at home, leh.."

"Wah.. aiyo.. like that, ah? We go out first la, okay JieJie?"

"Mm,.. Okay lor..." In my mind was like.. Huh? Who is 'we'? Go out where?

"Byebye.. we see you later.." happy happy voice..

"Mmmm? Okay.. bye.." still blurr blurr..

Ok,.. so they told me that Ah Mic they all went out.. then later Ah Mic came back with Jeoffrey they all.. then Ah Mic passed me a plastic bag.. inside got kuih koci- 3 packets, and then got 4 boxes of sweets inside- high in Vitamic C.. hahaha.. the resit says it's RM10+RM9=RM19 .. >.< So paiseh la.. my didi buy for me expensive things. I also didn't get anything for him.. summore he passed the bag to me and said, "Nah.. JieJie, for you.." how to reject? They go all the way to buy, leh.. paiseh.. paiseh!!!

And then I got up already, look around.. (you know, la.. I very blurr blurr wan..) and then guess who I saw!!!! GUESS WHO I SAWW!!!! I was like.. "Eh? Eh?" Then kept pointing at her.. Then she said.. "Stephanie.." Then I was like.. "I know... but but.. I thought you only coming tomorrow?~!" Then she was smiling there.. hehe.. so cute.. >.< but she so tall.. How can JieJie so short? I want to cry de.. where got JieJie so short wan?~!!!!

And then Ah Mic's mum asked me, "Tonight you want to sleep with Hosanna or Stephanie?"

And then I was thinking like.. What? I have an option? Eh, how to choose like that? Steph is staying meh? How come? I thought she stay in Malacca.. so she got her own house!.. confused confused..

Then I was like.. "Anything also can la.. Why?"

Then she explained to me, "Hosanna not enough space, so Stephanie has to sleep in Joshua's house." So I was thinking like.. cool.. Joshua's house.. small kids house.. I wonder what it looks like.. if stay there no need to 'concern' so much about what people think.. not so paiseh lor..

Then I was wondering.. hmm.. how come Hosanna's room not enough space? Who stay there woh? I thought I was the only girl? Got summore girls meh? Who?? Wah.. so happening ah? Until full house, woh.. but then why I don't see any girls wan? Yeah, lor.. I think a lot wan.. so now you know why I so quiet? I keep thinking la!

Then I agreed to sleep with Stephanie.. Then later this time Joshua's mother asked me, "Tonight stay with Stephanie can or not?" Then I was thinking like.. Eh? I thought I said can de.. why ask again wan?

So I just answered the same thing, "Anything also can.."

Then Ah Ber was there between the two aunties.. so now Ah Ber asked me.. "Ok, ah?" Then he put the 'OK' sign..

So I guess he knows that I was blurr.. he try to clear things.. "Yeah.. Ok!" Then I smiled and showed him the peace sign.. I was smiling brightly, la.. get a chance to sleep with Steph.. ehhehe.. first sleep with Joanne and Annie and then now get to sleep with Steph! All the 3 gfs.. hehehe.. Yay~!!! I AM HAPPENING~!!! hehehehe... *Gene must be shaking his head when he reads this..* Hehehe.. he is one of the few people who get to see me cry.. heehehe.. tell you guys later..

- to be continued.. tired de.. erm.. sorry didi dear and Gene.. I continue later, k? brb..-

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Xiying's post about my bday

Anna did a barbecue- imagine all the meats,sausege, burger and etc that we consume, the best part is the majerin dat we consume a.k.a oil that we use to cook... Mr Kenny and Joram become the chefs for that day... went to eat at anna hse's balcony..cooling and pitch dark.. talking and talking... the last part before we go back is the one that make my heart pump very hard..i don't know y.. each one of us are suppose to say something gud about anna.. just before my turn i suddenly get very nervous ahaha... it happen wen I have too many things to say about the person and I don't know izzit ok for me to say it in front of all, was blushing-suprisingly...call me shy, its so not me..ahahah
Here goes, from the bottom of my heart, I am really thankful for this gal named anna, she offered me a place to stay for 1 month and drive me to work and everywhr else too.. sry le, anna, no matter wat, u r helpful..lol...(p.s. she hate it coz its like the most word ppl used to describe her-helpful helpful and helpful) this prove she have a heart of angel (or try to be one..just kidding) i also have fun in bedroom with her..(don't think the wrong way) I mean bedtime sharing or talking- but we do it in the morning at times... oh ya, tis gal veri devoted, she will do devotion every day... her favourite qoutes is to the pure, all things are pure..lol.. she is the one naive and innocent, so automatically that line will be for her...(actually wen u noe her deeper, she is crazy and corrupted-this corruption is done by me and the yam cha team, u noe who u are =p) one thing, she tend to be disconnected in yam cha which after her explanation, i think i can understand y...she also my singing partner in her car (mainly worship song and at times we corrupt song- eg, the chorus of right here waiting for you, we change to what the crap, we also redraft worship song lyrics eg My God is mighty to save exclusively for MCdonalds which is a part of our yam cha life- we r nt cult that worship MCD but just fooling around, no worry)...she is also the guitarist in her room-we play and sing together, I admire her passion in playing guitar as I tried learning from her, one key oso i can't do well after 15 minute, my tumb like numb adi oso cannot get the key correct, so i guess i have no talent or the teacher problem =p ..at times she will whack half of the junk foods in her rooms wen she is in the mood to do it and she will keep saying, once in awhile only...she will also agree with me that girls take a long time in bathroom (sometimes only actually) is because we r being productive inside =p ... i think i will stop revealing the behind bedroom scene adi..lol..too much info...last, tis is a gal which is put close to my heart and I mean it...

Xiying


* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

2 whole days on bed..

Yupe... spent two whole days on bed doing nothing.. no computer, no music,..nothing. And it was the best two days in this year..other than convention.. seriously.. and despite all the pain and suffering.. I spent the whole second day laughing.. hahaha.. literally on the bed laughing.. talking crap to myself. I think the fever was so hot that it totally fried my brain and I ended up talking crap. The only thing in my room that was on was the fan. .oh and one more thing- me~! I was on the bed.. haha.. get it? ON the bed.. see how I keep talking crap?

Every time i got up, i felt like my head was banging against itself.. crazy pain...

Oh.. and guess what? I found the reason to my fever.. i got it from Noel- my nephew.. haha.. no idea how.. heard it was the porridge leftover i ate from him.. so this fever is a virus and it only comes at night.. and I have no idea why the phloem I have has a little blood in it... or so i think.. ahh. nvm...

Still haven't gone to the doctor yet.. waste of money.. ahhahaa... klar.. better get to sleep already.. goodnight and adios~! Oh.. btw.. Rueben is sick too.. poor guy.. aahah.. adios~!



* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Godtube

Lifehouse everything skit

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Somewhere only we know

http://www.youtube.com/v/VfIoT2QgwCQ

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Guys..

Ok.. lemme talk about a few guys that I owe a lot to. No, please don't get me wrong- I am NOT interested in all of them!!! OK? I will let you know who I am interested in .. later. Well.. yes, I am interested in someone.. but.. like I said la.. infatuations.. haha.. and secondly,.. i love him too much to be with him, la.. Yeah.. basically.. he is innocent and I am not. And if I really cared about him, I won't be with him la.. like friendster says- It's complicated.

All the old timers like Joram and Aaron.P won't be included in this list la.. I wrote more than enough about them already.. Now it's time to write about new friends..

Rueben..
hehehe.. he is the reason I am writing this post anyways.. ahha.. he complained about not blogging about him, so.. here it is! ahahah.. have to be honest here, la.. Rue loves God. HAHHAHAHAHAHHA.... hahahahaha.... yes, he does. No doubt about it! Although he doesn't always go to church and ain't the holy type of person, but he has a great heart, a kind heart, a pure heart... erm.. what else? Oh.. yeah.. and a heart for his friends and kids. (I mean kids as in generally.. all kids.. not just his kids) Erm.. he does want to have lots of kids.. hahahaha.. want to challenge me at it summore! >.< hmmph~!

So,.. Rueben is from my college.. studying IT. You wouldn't believe it! -he's only 19. Hahaha... yes, but he's cute. He's got 'style'. Hahahahahah.. Seriously, la.. he said that in his closet, everything is white and black,.. hahaha.. (mine's all rainbow coloured!) But if you'd give me a choice, I want it all WHITE~!!!!! YAY~!!!! hehehe.. one day la.. those girls who went out with me shopping before- especially Xiying- you ask her la.. anything white, Anna will surely run and look at it.. then all the "oooh aaah..." coming out already.. hahaha.. Anna loves white.

Ok, anyway.. this guy taught me how to pray for my friends once again. I stopped praying for my friends a long time already, but seeing this guy who doesn't go to church, doesn't go to cell, doesn't read the Bible, doesn't worship or anything, being able to pray for his friends.. that's something, la.. So, yeah.. he did inspire me and lighted up that fire again in me to pray for my friends.. and every now and then I try to pray for him, too.. especially for his arm..

This guy, ah.. go jogging at TTDI, wan, you know?~! Geng, leh... that time when I went with Ah Ber and Gabby, I saw a few young people there jogging.. wahhh... admire them like crazy.. then I wondered... 'hmm... i wonder if Rueben comes here..' just crossed my mind, la.. don't know why.. then later I found out that he really does! Wow.. I admire him...

Ok, enough of that.. Rueben has a vision a lot like mine.. no,- you won't believe it! He actually wants to travel around the world and help the poor, especially kids.. shocking, isn't it? I wonder if next time we could work something out together. We should gather more people like us! Hehehe.. He even wants to adopt coloured kids.. aww.. isn't that so cute?

This guy... hmm.. I can't wait for him to chat with me.. I actually look forward to chatting with him again.. but he is always so busy.. sad isn't it? :( Sometimes I only chat with once or twice a week.. You should see the first time I met him.. hahhahaha.. it was amazing.. the conversation went something like this..

Rueben: Italics
Anna: Bold

hey, uve been on my list for a long time, nvr get to know u

mind to intro?

nice font

ah

thx

=.='

dat's all? ahah

nice nick?

was i dat rude till an intro would be odd?

xD

haha

hi, I am anna

ahah, aww.. not very good in potraiting myself eh

T.T

ahah, great to know ya.. sry if im rude though

><

who said youre rude?

i said you had a nice font

:)

ahah, well.. i nvr said u did.. nor said ur font was nice.. ahah

well, nice color?

xD

nice colour too

ahah

yay

><

well, great to meet ya anna.. rueben here

=)

hi reuben

nice to meet you

where are you from

ahah, izzit juz me or is this convo too formal

><

well, dun mind me.. im a lil erm.. hyper active.. lol..

im from kl actually.. and u maam?

pj

i'm studying in kdu

=.='

you are?

i like the way you talk

darn

the world is so small isn't it?

ahah

errr

i am anna

no no

i meant

u are... as in * answering u in kdu? *

ahah

sry that sounded pretty wrong

><

ahhaha

hahahah

yes i am

you too?

ahah

erm

*blush

yea

ahaha.. really??

so small squarish college

Kindergarten Damansara Utama

the yellow and blue building with wavy sides

aww darn.. dun make me feel so young

T.T

=P

seen this dude be4?

andrew leong

is it?

the counselour?

=.='

yea

ahah

ah

okay

u know him

yes, i do

so dun mind me asking.. how old are u acutally

><

errrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

hahahahahahahah

guess

look at my pic and make a wild guess

you look like youre 21

if that is even your pic

wad!

nuuu

T.T

it cant be

24?

ahah

so not like 24

do i look dat old

=.='

sharks

yeah 24 is a bit too old

eww

well, let me see.. hmm.. ure 18 rite?

24? old? eww?

ok lar

hey hey! il be 24 one day u know

20

><

errr.. no im not 18

are you 20

i'm 21

this year that is

ahah, oops

u look pretty young

ahah

sry though

><

nah its okay

accuracy a lil rustie

you could have been more cruel and say 17 or something

naaah... if you didnt know i studied in kdu, you would have thought that i was 15

right???

oh gosh.. u can really read my mind eh

><

nah everyone says im 15

so .. tell me

ahah, well.. itz good looking young, no?

how old are you

yup yup.. its good

ahah, lets keep it a mystery shall we

hmM

no we shan't

well, ure a christian arent u?

dun see u in cf oso

=.='

what thee

.............................

-_-

-_-'

-_-"

-_-"'

you went for cf???

i used to be in the committee

ahah

err

=.='

once in a blue moon

=.='

dont play with me

i stoped going a long time, though

stepped down from my post

play? lol.. im serious

so you must know xiying

i guess

ahah

what the...

im not a u know.. a famous person or anything

she is in my room

=.='

hahahah

i go ask her who you are

wad are u doing there with her

...

ahah

she won't know

=.='

ermm....

ok fine

then i will just ask everyone else

so which church do you go to


**cut**


Ok, lar.. he goes to Grace.. happy? I better not mention his sir name here.. if not, people there are gonna know who he is and he is gonna kill me.. so I will just leave it as it is and honor his respect.. heh..

This guy only says like 5% of what goes on in his head. He is actually really deep and sometimes reading between the lines say much more. The way he thinks is very different from people. That makes him special, I guess. He doesn't see things the way they look like, but what they are. He sees through the top layers and right through. In every situation, when it comes to "what it seems isn't what it is", Rueben can best relate to that.

Haha.. I remember the first time I met him, I made so many assumptions about him.. haha.. really bad ones too.. talk about discrimination- it was all over me. I was shooting him every where possible! hehe.. but soon later, as he finally proved me wrong.. I couldn't believe how wrong I could have been about him!

But one thing, though.. he is very unlike me.. through all these blogging, you can see how open I am.. but for him.. he is totally closed up.. He only answers like.. 20% of the questions I ask him. That's like.. almost nothing. The rest of the questions, he reads but pretends he doesn't notice them. He just tries to change the subject. His reasons for it later are.. "Aren't you glad I'm being honest?" Well,.. in the sense yes.. but.. still???

He admits he's reserved. But I've never met anyone that tried to keep so many things from me before... I really want to get to know this guy. I admit.. I know nothing about him. But his stories are sad.. yes, they are.. and like he says, "Curiosity kills the cat." ..haha.. I could keep chasing him to tell me what goes on in there.. but truly.. what goes on in there isn't what it looks like.. it can be well over your imagination. You'd never think a person like him went through all that. Sometimes, you'd think people like him are just faking it.. well.. that's until you know them better.

One question keeps bothering me, though.. why does he still mix with that bunch of friends he mixes with all the time? Rue is not shallow.. far from it. But why mix with shallow people? Although I know not one of his friends and yet,.. watching them on youtube or hearing about his stories with them and all doesn't give a good impression of them. But once again.. I am making my assumptions.. haha.. let's see if I'm right!

Eugene Yoong..
This fellar.. haha.. tell you something.. shhhh... if you wanna know which guy I like.. ask him.. he is the only guy outside my family who knows.. hhaaha..

Okay, so Gene is like 3 years younger than me- that's even younger than Rueben! haha.. and I thought Rue was young!

This guy is cute. I have to admit. He just doesn't know it. Although I never said he is handsome, but I always say that he is almost there. So he is this really cute guy whom I chat with online.. aww.. ahhah.. thanks for being one of the very few cute guys in this world I get to chat with.. haha.. man.. that sounded so wrong! it sounded wayyy too pathetic.

Ok, .. one word- company. Eugene keeps me company. I know that when I am online, it's not just Rueben anymore.. (Rueben hardly chats.. urgh~!).. so now Gene chats too! Yay~! ahah.. I guess he is more free... compared to some people I know. Haha.. so yeah.. I chat with Gene while waiting for Rue to come and chat with me.. hahahah.. now that sounded wrong too!! Oh, boy..

but like I said, la.. Eugene keeps me company.. all the time.. I like being around him.. although we may not say anything much, but I know that his thoughts towards me are good, not bad. I trust he is not one that can turn around and back-stab me one day.. no, I can trust him with my reputation.. i think. Well.. you know, la.. I don't really have friends wan.. so yeah.. the people I mention here are people I chat with almost everyday.. Eugene, Chek Boon and Rueben.. that's all.

He free already watch movie wan.. hahaha... he is quite fun lar, actually.. really can make people laugh, lor.. that time in Ipoh, when I kena kick out of the car because no space, Eugene is the one that will follow me kena kick lor.. hehe.. so I don't feel so sad also.. at least got someone sit with me.. who is not an insane person.. hahahaha.. he is one of the reasons that made the trip 'not so bad' as I thought it would be. He made it fun by just being there, accompanying me. I owe him for that. It really did touch me to see him follow me to the other car when I got kicked- like he was an angel sent by God. hehehe... Thank you, Eugene.. I will always remember you for that~! *hugz*

I also realized that when I was hungry in Ipoh, in the middle of the night, he was hungry too.. man.. if I knew earlier, I would have went down straight away and call for a midnight party! haha..

Haiyo.. i tell you.. i just realized that if i wanna go for the birthday party tmr night, i cannot have Eugene follow me to see ah boon.. so sad.. i feel so bad now... nvm, ok? Eugene can come later... ;)

Ah Boon / Uncle Boon / Chek Boon
hehe.. no, lar.. he ain't that old.. hehe.. although he is divorced.. hahaha.. no la. he is only 23.. but like I said la.. i hardly got friends.. and he is one of those few that I chat with online.. and although he smokes, drinks and all that.. he is still my friend and I do still care a lot about him.

he is from Ipoh.. taught me a lot of good places to eat in Penang.. hehe.. last time, when he was still married, he showed me his wife.. lol.. i went yamchar with them at murni's and that was the first and last time i saw her.. can't remember quite how she looks like anymore, but I hope they get back together sometime.

When I chat with him online or on the phone, I don't know why but we seem to have a lot to chat about.. haha.. all crap la.. but still.. fun newayz.. eheh.. he seems very free.. so Gene and Boon are there to keep me company all the time.. they're great~! Obviously Gene and Boon talks about very different things.. think about it la.. Boon is 23 and Gene is 18.. Boon talks about all the fun stuff all the time and Gene talks about all the serious stuff... haha.. no kidding~! (it's the other way around)

He has this like.. hallucinations thing.. it didn't start until lately like 2 years ago or so.. so he can like go missing for a few days and come back not remembering what happened during that time. It's a generational curse.. his mum had it too. So he has to like take this medication that costs like RM5 one pill.. thats very expensive.. and he has to like work and study and it takes really long to finish his studies because of his condition.. like when he is under the weather, he just cant study.

He said when he was young, his mum can sometimes take the knife and aim it at his dad.. when she is in her hallucinations.. and then his aunt will have to take him and his sister away.. his sister is a very devoted Christian, la.. she goes to the same church as Joanne. She really takes care of him and straightens him out also.. Thank God for sisters like her.. hehe.. I wish I could meet her one day~! We all here in the cell have a big heart for Boon and his family. Seriously, we do. I pray for him everyday when I can. I pray that he'll be healed.

Well so, if my fever doesn't get onto me, I plan to pay him a visit tomorrow with Ah Ber and Gabby. I believe that everything will be fine with him if we can pray for him and get it over with. Then I hope he can have his family back. Then I hope he can have kids and all that because the doctor said that 50% of all his kids is going to get the same problem as him.. and he likes kids. But with this sickness, he won't be able to get any kids.. well, he can.. but he'd be risking it. Because half of them may end up like him. And he doesn't want that to happen. You know those 3 wishes the fairy tales tells us about? When I hear his story, it gives me the feeling of, "if only I had 3 wishes".. yeah.. well.. I would definitely wish he had his family back and be able to have kids.. lots of 'em.. hehe :) But we have something better than 3 wishes - we have unlimited wishes.. we have God on our side. And I believe in God. With God, nothing is impossible!

Gabriel / Ah Ber
This guy.. hahaha.. true Malaccan.. Malaccan to the core! Because of Ah Mic and Ah Ber, I tell everyone that I am a Malaccan also.. hahhaha.. these guys are brothers with Emmanuel.. although they all act gay.. but all 3 of them have gfs! ahhaha... amazing isn't it? Haha.. no la.. they are truly amazing people.

So anyway.. this guy teaches me guitar.. I owe him for that, la.. I owe him a lot for belanja-ing me makan all the time also.. but most of all, I owe him for teaching me how to love.. no, seriously. This guy, unconsciously did teach me how to love.

You know, I never realized it earlier, but Ah Ber never shoots anyone. In fact, he is always the 'good guy'. He thinks well of everyone and he is always caring.. no kidding.. I realized a lot about myself when I met him. I didn't know I shoot people so much.. until one day when I went to Ipoh, I got shot a lot by erm.. someone else.. and said something like.. "Wah... this girl.. every time shoot people wan.." then Ah Ber was like.. "Eh? I thought you were the one that always shoot people?" Honestly, I got a shock of my life when I heard that because I didn't know I shoot people.. but because I always want to act cool, so I pretended that I knew it already and said, "Yeah,.. I know, but she is the only one that shoot me.. normally I shoot people wan, mar.."

So anyway.. the conversation went on.. and I don't quite remember what happened, but I think he offered to help me do something like.. ask the rojak man for something or other.. and then he said in front of all the aunties and uncles there.. "I very sayang her wan, mah.." Once again, I got a shock of my life.. ahah.. I was speechless. (Eh.. don't be narrow minded, please.. ah ber is memang open minded one,.. he is just talking about friends.. if you mix with him long enough, you'd know that) But even as a friend,.. I was speechless. I mean.. knowing that I shoot people all the time.. no one is ever this kind to me, especially not in front of a big group of people. Needless to say, I was touched. But once again, I tried to act cool and had to cover up my shockiness, so I blurted out.. "YEAH, right!".. then all the aunties and uncles were smiling.. then I, still in a state of shock.. accidentally said again.. "yeah, right..." I wanted to deny it. Then only did I realize how stuck up I was.. Then only did I realize how wounded I was to try to deny something so harmless.

All of a sudden, I felt like my eyes were opened,.. no.. nothing to do with him.. but my eyes were opened to who I was.. then only did I realize how closed up I was to the people around me, how rude I was.. then only did I realize that everyone could see something about me which I couldn't see myself. Did everyone know I was this hurt? Was it that obvious? I shoot people without knowing it, and the only people that shoot others are people who are hurt. So if I kept shooting people.. that meant that I was.. badly hurt, and everyone could see that- I was the only one who couldn't. It was like.. Adam and Eve just realized that they were naked. I just realized how naked I actually was to the world- people could see right through me- they knew me more than I knew myself. I bet that Ah Ber was not the only one who could see it- everyone else could- they just pretended like they didn't see because they didn't want me to feel humiliated.

So he knew I was hurt, he knew I shoot people, and yet, he wants to help. And I thought no one cared. I looked up to him since then. No longer did I look to him as someone my age, but I actually respected him and looked up to him like he was 10 years older- no joke. That guy has guts. And thanks to his guts, I learned a lot about myself and I learned not to shoot people but to love people. That's why I said.. this guy taught me to love.

Ah Mic / Micheal
my dear didi... aww... he has the most adorable gf.. seriously.. hehe.. she is soooooooooooo cute! Ok, anyway.. my didi is the holy type. Yes, he is. The type that has God in every conversation and every nick. He was my didi since he was 14 and I was 17- that was 4 years ago. I veeeery sayang him wan. When he call 'jiejie'.. my heart sure melt. Even more so when he ask me to sayang him, my heart lagi melt.. haha.. this didi, ah.. got duhno how many jiejie already.. all also sayang him wan.. but .. aihhh... this jiejie still love him soo much~!

haha.. I don't know what to say about him.. all I can say is.. i love my didi sooo much! It's always like that la.. the people you love the most, you have the least things to talk about.. because there are too many things and I don't know where to start!



* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Fever...

Yupe.. Had a fever since last night.. couldn't sleep the whoooole night. It was terrible! Some parts of my body felt like stone ice and some parts felt like it was burning in flames. I couldn't make out which it was. My toes and my fingers were freezing, but the rest of my body was in flames. I could literally imagine flames coming out from my back.

I was so hot that I was worried if I could think straight or literally burn out some parts of my brain permanently.. seriously. I thought that I would be mentally a bit off for good if I didn't control my temperature. I told myself that if I were put into a tub of ice cold water, I would be able to generate enough steam to power a train from Johor to Penang. (Yes.. my mind really WASN'T working that well..) I started to think all kinds of things the whole night. I couldn't sleep and my temperature was high, so what do you expect? -I was going insane. I started thinking crap to myself. Crap like.. "I think my brain is frying itself. I could burn some CDs while I'm at it." Haha.. get it? Hot- Burn? Ok.. nvm... It was crap the whole night.

The more serious crap came soon enough.. Things like.. "Why am I having a fever? Did I eat something wrong?" After thinking for a while, I decided that it must've been the papayas.. I just couldn't recall when the sore throat that led to the fever started. I actually think it was before the papayas.

Then I thought again, "Well, if it wasn't my own fault that I am having a fever, it must be a spiritual attack." (Because I ate normal food, had enough sleep, and I didn't over exhaust myself physically.) Then I thought and thought.. but if it was a spiritual attack, why now? What did I do that got the devil so mad at me? There wasn't anything important tomorrow also.. Unless it's the literature review, la.. but I just don't get it.

Then I thought again, "Well, if it ain't me and ain't the devil, could it be God? Maybe God is upset with me." Death actually crossed my mind and I thought about it, "Maybe God wants to end my life because of all the sins I committed. It is His judgment on my life." (Yes.. my temperature was soaring already, why do you think I said such things?)

So the conclusion ended something like that la.. Because my condition was getting from bad to worse and I actually thought that I would never get healed. I thought it would be so bad that I'd just die. Like God wanted me to have a fever so that I'd die. I kept asking God, "Why do You want me to have a fever? What's the purpose? What is it You want me to learn from here?"

I never had a fever like that before. I don't know, it just seemed so strange. Like now.. I'm healed already. What's the purpose? It's not my fault- that much I know. It has something to do with the spiritual realm. And as far as I am concerned, God doesn't make people sick and then heal them- it must've been the devil. The question is.. why?

Next morning, my mum finally came into the room.. complained about how dirty it was.. you know la.. I'm useless when it comes to that.. (hey, I have weaknesses too, okay?) And she asked me to on the air cond.. but I didn't want la.. I didn't want to sponge myself to recovery in the chilly chilly way.. I rather sweat myself out of it.. so the window was opened but slighty only la.. because the Bel 'Air was on and I didn't wanna waste it. And even with no fan or aircond and only one window opened by 2 cm at the most, I was still cold. My ankles and wrists were in pain.

Then later.. (what seemed like a week later) Jie called me on my phone. She said she heard that I had a fever then asked me if I was going to sweat it or chill it. So I answered her that I planned to sweat it. She said that she'll be coming over.. after what seemed like few days later, Jie and Caleb finally came. Jie came holding a glass of water and two huge pills.. and when I say huge, I mean like almost an inch long and 1 cm thick- 2 of it. She said it was some 'ActivePower' or something like that la.. anyway she said that it'll be so effective that I would be okay in half an hour or so... after eating 'em, Jie and Caleb prayed for me.. I was like, "Wahhh.. why so good wan ah? Come all the way to my room to pray for me, ah?" ahah.. I was so touched, really, I was. Then Dylan came into the room- so they made him pray.. hehe.. he was so cute.. my sis asked him to repeat everything she said.. you know, la.. Dylan- when he talk also very soft spoken, wan..

"Lord Jesus,.." "Lord, Jesuss?"

"I pray for Aunty Anna.." "I pray for Aunteeh Annah? *giggles"

"I pray that You heal her.." "I pray that You heal her?"

"In Jesus name,.." "In Jesuss naaaame?"

"Amen!" "Amennn..."

He so cute, la..

Then Caleb was like.. "Wah.. your room so many guitars wan ah?" Then I was like.. "Yupe.. 3 guitars, 1 electric guitar and 1 violin..heh heh.." and he was like, "Wah.. I didn't know you got so many guitars wan.." Then I was like.. "No, la.. not mine wan.. one is mum's, one is mine and the other one I don't know already." Then he saw all my name tags hanging beside my room door. "Wah.. look at that.. so many name tags.. wah! Why got Benjamin Tan there wan?" then I was like.. "Haha.. don't know." then Jie was like.. "There- the Voice name tag."

Then later they were leaving already. Jie was like.. "Sauna.. this room is a sauna!!!" I just laughed. Then she said, "Good, la.. you're sweating already.. The pill just half an hour only, la.. then you'd be okay already.." Then I said, "My headache is killer pain.." Then she said, "Is it? You must laugh at least 15 minutes a day, you know? So laugh more, then you get healed faster.. Just kidding, la.." Hehe.. I was so touched la.. by the fact that they came all the way to my room to pray for me and all.. now I'm healed already.. Praise God~!

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

My Dream Guy

ahhahahahaha......................... just kidding..



That's if I look like this..



hehehe... or better yet..



..THIS!!!





* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Where pain? Where pain? Tell me where!

I remember, when I was young, I would get all kinds of pain.. Stomach pain, then knock my head..- head pain.. then kick the chair- leg pain.. then knock the table- hand pain.. and then I'll run to my parents- "Paaain! Paaain.. *cries*.." then my dad would carry me and ask me.. "Where pain? Where pain? Tell me where!" and then I will point to the place while I was crying.. and he would rub it.. most of the time, it's a blue black or if it was stomach pain, my mum will quickly resort to the chinese medicine.. the oil. hot hot wan.. then she would rub it on my stomach and sing in tongues.

But as I grew up, there was another pain. The kind of subtle, soul-killing pain. The kind of pain in the heart. After all these years..it was still lingering there, and no church camps could get me over it. I bloged about the pain in my heart here. The pain that lasted a lifetime.. The pain my face couldn't hide.. The kind of pain that I had to bear alone..(or so it seemed).. I posted it all here in my blog because I know that one fine day, I would find a solution. I knew I was not alone when I was going through all this. I knew that there were lots of other girls/women out there who were going through the same thing as me, or worse. It felt like a lonely journey, but I knew that there are people like me, and I wanted to help. I hated to be in this condition and all I wanted was out. All I wanted was to be painless. And I was sure that I will find an answer one day- something to ease the pain and make it all disappear. And I found it- after all those years.

I have been reading. First, I heard about the book 'Authentic Beauty' by Eric and Leslie Ludy and my friends told me how much it meant to them and made them cry. But it didn't make me cry- I'm not sure about you. You can try it.

Then later, the same friend(Xiying) who lent that book to me, gave me another book for my birthday- 'Captivating' by John and Stasi Eldredge. I seriously didn't think much of it when I first had it. I thought to myself, "Oh.. just another 'woman book'. Even Authentic Beauty didn't have much of an effect on me- how much more could this one?" But I have to be honest with you, -it's nothing really like Authentic Beauty. In Authentic Beauty, I was forcing myself to finish the book or at least that particular chapter.. (Sorry, Leslie.. it was just a little too solid for me.) But in Captivating, I finished 4 chapters in a row and thought I only finished one. Seriously.. Captivating was THAT captivating. The name speaks for itself. This book made me laugh like crazy the first 4 chapters or so.. and then made me cry like crazy the next 4 chapters or so.. When I reached the 8th Chapter, I finally saw the number '8' and I was like.. "Oh.. how come? 8th already??" (I thought it was only like the 3rd chapter at the most.)

By the time I was like in the 8th Chapter, the crying became so frequent that I lost count of all the times I had to put the book down just to cry and then later taking it back up again. It was as though the book was made for me. I felt like Stasi and I had gone through the same things when we were young- like she planned for me to get this book for my birthday, wrote it and asked Xiying to pass it to me. But like Miss Angeline always say, "It is all in God's timing." When I reached the 'Healing' Chapter, I thought to myself yet again, "Oh.. here comes the healing part. Although it may actually turn out to be a disappointment at the end of it like in other books, I need the healing badly right now.. so I'm not going to put the book down just yet.. I'm hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.."

During the healing chapter, I actually felt my heart instantly being mended back and was whole again since then. I'm not quite sure how it happened, but I know it happened somewhere in that healing chapter, as I read the part where Staci's husband talks about guys' views and I had such a revelation from there. I realized why things happened the way it happened and then they talk about the devil trying to attack us and all. But by the time I got to the devil part, the healing had already taken place and I only realized it here. I thought to myself, "Hey.. where's the pain? I thought there was a pain in my heart- like somewhere.. somewhere.. There!.. Eh? Hey!..where is it? The pain is gone!.. oh... .... WHAT??~! THE PAIN IS GONE??? WHAT? ARE YOU CRAZY, ANNA? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???" But no.. the pain really was gone.. then as I continued reading the devil part.. I kept checking my heart like stopping a few times in every page to check my heart in disbelief that the pain had actually disappeared- for good. No warning that it was going to go- it just disappeared,.. and I actually woke up this morning with the first thing in my mind.. "God loves me.. :)" and asked myself, "What the heck? Is something wrong with me today?- I feel weird- what is it?... Am I actually waking up thinking about God's love for me? What the heck is wrong with me?? But no.. besides that.. there's still something wrong.. what is it?... no.. no... it can't be!.. It is!! THE PAIN IS GONE!!! What??! It lasted until now? The pain is STILL gone? I thought it would have returned by now- like.. somehow.. you know.. maybe in my sleep or something.. like in my dreams? No? No dreams? No nightmares? No dreaming of my ex? No? .. WOW! That is one heck of a book! I'm still shocked.. I wonder how long this is going to last.. (God, please let it last).. because my heart feels so different without a hole in it. You really healed me this time. I HAVE to blog this.. I finally found a solution- it's a miracle! :)"

And I'm so happy... God,.. I'm so happy.. I really feel set free and really happy. But you really want to know what it feels like the most? It feels weird. Haha.. all those days of torment in the dark chambers and when I finally come out to meet the sun.. I feel weird. It's like... "Have I REALLY been to this place before? Or is it my first time here? Did I really feel like this years ago before I went in that dungeon?" Yes, I feel happy, but I think I am facing more of a culture shock here.. haha.. It feels so different.. I have been in there for so long that I can't remember what the sun tasted like anymore.. it's like.. "So.. that bright thing blinding me- that's the sun? Are you sure? This bright? This hot? So hot? Are you sure? So you mean to say that the sun will be shining like this everyday? You mean like.. the sun is always there? As in.. always?" It's so hard to believe. But I want to believe. I want to believe because it's so good. And there's nothing like it. There is nothing like a broken heart made whole.

OK OK,.. I can hear the girls screaming already, "Anna~!!! NOW STOP BABBLING ABOUT HOW GOOD YOU FEEL ALREADY, AND START TELLING ME HOW I CAN MAKE THIS PAIN GO AWAY~!!!" Ok.. yes, I feel for you.. I'm sorry... I really do.. But my book is in my room.. wait lemme go get it..



Ok, I don't want to plagerise here.. I do encourage you to get the book, because you will learn more. I only can give you a few quotes here and there..


THE FALL OF EVE

When the world was young and we were innocent- both man and woman- we were naked and unashamed (Gen. 2:25). Nothing to hide. Simply... glorious. And while that world was young, and we, too, were young and beautiful and full of life, a corner was turned. Something happened, which we have heard about, but never fully understood, or we would see it playing itself out every day of our lives, and, more important, we would also see the chances given to us every day to reverse what happened.

--
Now the serpent was the shrewdest of all the creatures the LORD God had made. "Really?" he asked the woman. "Did God really say you must not eat any of the fruit in the garden?"

"Of course we may eat it," the woman told him. "It's only the fruit from the tree at the center of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God says we must not eat it or even touch it, or we will die."

"You won't die!" the serpent hissed. "God knows that your eyes will be opened when you eat it. You will become just like God, knowing everything, both good and evil."

The woman was convinced. The fruit looked so fresh and delicious, and it would make her so wise! So she ate some of the fruit. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her. Then he ate it, too. (Gen. 3:1-6 NLT)
--

Alas.
There are no words.
Wail; beat your chest; fall to your knees; let out a long, lonesome howl of bitter remorse.
The woman was convinced. That's it? Just like that? In a matter of moments? Convinced of what? Look in your own heart- you'll see. Convinced that God was holding out on her. Convinced that she could not trust his heart toward her. Convinced that in order to have the best possible life, she must take matters into her own hands. And so she did. She is the first to fall. In disobeying God she also violated her very essence. Eve is supposed to be Adam's ezer kenegdo, like one who comes to save. She is to bring him life, invite him to life. Instead, she invited him to his death.

Now to be fair, Adam doesn't exactly ride to her rescue.

--
Let me ask you a question: Where is Adam, while the serpent is tempting Eve? He's standing right there: "She also gave some to her husband, who was with her and he ate it" (3:6). The Hebrew for "with her" means right there, elbow to elbow. Adam isn't away in another part of the forest; he has no alibi. He is standing right there, watching the whole thing unravel. What does he do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. He says not a word, doesn't lift a finger. [I'm indebted to Crabb, Hudson, and Andrews for pointing this out in The Silence of Adam.] He won't risk, he won't fight, and he won't rescue Eve. Our first father -the first real man- gave in to paralysis. He denied his very nature and went passive. And every man after him, every son of Adam, carries in his heart now the same failure. Every man repeats the sin of Adam, every day. We won't risk, we won't fight, and we won't rescue Eve. We truly are a chip off the old block. (Wild at Heart)



--

You can see this play itself out every day. Men, just when we need them to come through for us ...check out. They disappear, go silent and passive. "He won;t talk to me," is many a woman's lament. They won't fight for us.

And women? We tend to be grasping, reaching, controlling. We are often enchanted, like Eve, so easily falling to prey to the lies of our Enemy. Having forfeited our confidence in God, we believe that in order to have the life we want, we must take matters into our own hands. And we ache with an emptiness nothing seems to be able to fill.

THE CURSE

--
To the woman he said,
"I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing;
with pain you will give birth to children.
Your desire will be for your husband.
and he will rule over you."
To Adam he said, "Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree about which I commanded you, 'You must not eat of it,'
"Cursed is the ground because of you;
through painful toil you will eat of it
all the days of your life.
It will produce thorns and thistles for you." (Gen. 3:16-18)
--

Now, it would be good for us to give careful attention to all that has unfolded here -especially the curses God pronounced- for the story explains our lives today, east of Eden. For one thing, the curse on Adam cannot be limited only to actual thorns and thistles. If that were so, then every man who chooses not to be a farmer gets to escape the curse. Take a white-collar job and you're scot-free. No, the meaning is deeper and the implications are for every son of Adam. Man is cursed with futility and failure. Life is going to be hard for a man now in the place he will feel it most. Failure is a man's worst fear.

In just the same way, the curse for Eve and all the daughters cannot be limited only to babies and marriage, for if that were true then every single woman without children gets to escape the curse. Not so.The meaning is deeper and the implications are for every daughter of Eve. Woman is cursed with loneliness (relational heartache), with the urge to control (especially her man), and with dominance of men (which is not how things were meant to be and we are not saying it is a good thing- it is the fruit of the Fall and a sad fact of history.) [I am also indebted to Dan Allender who first pointed out these insights to me.]

Isn't it true? Aren't your deepest worries and heartaches relational- aren't they connected to someone? Even when things are good it your vast capacity for intimacy ever filled in a lasting way? There is an emptiness in us that we continually try to feed. And can't you see how much you need to have things under your control- whether it's a project or a ministry or a marriage? Are you comfortable trusting your well-being to someone else? And haven't you felt "this is a man's world," felt your vulnerability as a woman to be a liability? Most women hate their vulnerability. We are not inviting- we are guarded. Most of our energy is spent trying to hide our true selves, and control our worlds to have some sense of security.

When a man goes bad, as every man has in some way gone bad after the Fall, what is most deeply marred is his strength. He either becomes a passive, weak man- strength surrendered- or he becomes a violent, driven man- strength unglued. When a woman falls from grace, what is most deeply marred is her tender vulnerability, beauty that invites to life. She becomes a dominating, controlling woman- or a desolate, needy, mousy woman. Or some odd combination of both, depending on her circumstances.

EVE'S LINGERING FEAR

Every woman knows now that she is not what she was meant to be. And she fears that soon it will be known -if it hasn't already been discovered- and that she will be abandoned. Left alone to die a death of the heart. That is a woman's worst fear- abandonment. (Isn't it?) Rather than turning back to God, reversing the posture that brought about our crisis in the first place (which Eve set in motion and we have repeated ad nauseum), we continue down that path by doing what we can to secure ourselves in a dangerous and unpredictable world.

And down in the depths of our hearts, our Question remains. Unanswered. Or rather, it remains answered in the way it was answered so badly in our youth. "Am I lovely? Do you see me? Do you want to see me? Are you captivated by what you find in me?" We live haunted by that Question, yet unaware that it still needs an answer.

When we were young, we knew nothing about Eve and what she did and how it affected us all. We do not first bring our heart's Question to God, and too often, before we can, we are given answers in a very painful way. We are wounded into believing horrid things about ourselves. And so every woman comes into the world set up for a terrible heartbreak.

WOUNDED FEMINITY

As a result of the wounds we receive growing up, we come to believe that some part of us, maybe every part of us, is marred. Shame enters in and makes its crippling home deep within our hearts. Shame is what makes us look away, so we avoid eye contact with strangers and friends. Shame is that feeling that haunts us, the sense that if someone really knew us, they would shake their heads in disgust and run away. Shame makes us feel, no, believe, that we do not measure up- not to the world's standards, the church's standards, or our own.

Others seem to master their lives, but shame grips our hearts and pins them down, ever ready to point out our failures and judge our worth. We are lacking. We know we are not all that we long to be, all that God longs for us to be but instead of coming up for grace-filled air and asking God what He thinks of us, shame keeps us pinned down and gasping, believing that we deserve to suffocate. If we were not deemed worthy of love as children, it is incredibly difficult to believe we are worth loving as adults. Shame says we are unworthy, broken, and beyond repair.

Shame causes us to hide. We are afraid of being truly seen, and so we hide our truest selves and offer only what we believe it wanted. If we are a dominating kind of woman, we offer our "expertise". If we are a desolate kind of woman, we offer out "service". We are silent and do not say what we see or know when it is different from what others are saying, because we think we must be wrong. We refuse to bring the weight of our lives, who God has made us to be, to bear on others out of a fear of being rejected.

Shame makes us feel very uncomfortable with our beauty. Women are beautiful, every single one of us. It is one of the glorious ways that we bear the image of God. But few of us believe we are beautiful, and fewer still are comfortable with it. We either think we don't have any beauty of if we do, that it's dangerous and bad. So we hide our beauty behind extra weight and layers of unnecessary makeup. Or we neutralize our beauty by putting up protective,, defensive walls that warn others to keep their distance.


AN UNHOLY ALLIANCE

Over the years we've come to see that the only thing more tragic than the things that have happened to us is what we have done with them.

ON A HUMAN LEVEL

I (John) have a confession to make: I didn't want to coauthor this book. Oh, I thought it ought to be written. It needed to be written. I just didn't want to be the one to do it. I knew it would require me to enter the world of women- and into my woman's world- in a far deeper way than daily life requires of me. To do any sort of justice to a book for women would require me to go deeper, listen even more carefully, study, delve into the mystery (okay- bloody-mess) of a woman's soul. Part of me just didn't want to go there. I had what felt like an allergic reaction. Pull back. Withdraw.

I was keenly aware of this going on on inside me, and I felt like a jerk. But I also knew enough about myself and about the battle a woman's heart that I needed to explore this ambivalence. What is this thing in me- and in most men- that just doesn't want to go deep into a woman;s world? You are too much. Too hard. It's too much work. Men are simpler. Easier. And isn't that just the message you've lived with all your life as a woman? "You're too much, and not enough. You're just not worth the effort." (And why is it such an effort? There must be something wrong with you.)

Now, part of a man's fundamental reluctance to truly dive into the world of a woman comes from a man's deepest fear, failure. Oh, he may joke about "the differences of men and women," Mars and Venus and all that. But the truth is, he is afraid. He fears that having delved into his woman's world, he won't have what it takes to hep her there. That is his sin. That is his cowardice. And because of the shame, most of the time a man gets away with it. Most marriages (and long-term dating relationships) reach this sort of unspoken settlement. "I'm not coming any closer. This is as far as I'm willing too go. But, I won't leave, and that ought to make yu happy." And so there is this sort of detente, a cordial agreement to live with only so close.

The effect is that most women feel alone.

Some of this is simply selfishness on the part of men. Lord knows men and selfish and self-centered. When Eve was first assaulted, Adam didn't do jack squat. Men sin through violence and through passivity. It's that plain and simple ...and ugly.

But there is something else. There is something even more diabolical at work here. We had an amazing meeting a few months ago that proves to be -for me at least- a surprise unveiling of this mystery.

Stasi and I had gathered with the men and women in our ministry who do the men's and women's retreats. The men's team wanted to offer our counsel and support and prayer to the women's team for their upcoming event. It was a chance for the women -and each of them are really, really amazing women -to just sort of open their hearts to us and process how things were going.

Our gathering moved rather quickly from external kids of issues -how long the sessions should be and logistical stuff like that- to the internal world of the women's team themselves. As we began to talk more intimately, something started coming over me. Just a sense, an inexplicable but strong impression.

Back off

That's what I felt. No one said it; nothing they were doing implied it; it wasn't a voice in my head. Just a very strong impression. I wasn't sure where it was coming from, but this strong "reluctance," this sense of maybe we shouldn't press further into this, this feeling of just back off was growing in me, or over me, every moment we moved more deeply into their lives. With every step took toward their hearts I felt a stronger impression to tend the conversation, withdraw, bail out. Watching this unfold, I knew I was onto something big.

I knew that, as a man, this wasn't my heart's true desire toward these women. love them. I want to fight for them. I have many times. I knew as well it could not be their heart's desire. They invite our engagement. So I interrupted the flow of conversation with what seemed like an unrelated question to the women: "Do you feel alone in this?" Silence. Then tears, deep tears, from some deep place within each of them. "Yes," they all said "We do." But I knew it was more than about the retreats. "Do you feel like that in your lives, too, I mean, just generally, as a woman?" "Yes, absolutely. I feel alone most of the time."

Now, you must understand that each of these women have deep and meaningful relationships in their lives. I knew that if they feel alone, my God -what must every other woman feel as well? And this strong message of back off -if we feel that after years of fighting for them, what must all the other guys out there feel? I bet they haven't ever identified it, or put words to it, but I'll guarantee they've felt it .. and probably just thought it was what they, or their woman, of both of them wanted.

Back off, or Leave her alone, or, You don't really want to go there -she'll be too much for you is something Satan has set against every woman from the fay of her birth. It's the emotional and spiritual equivalent of leaving a little girl by the side of the road to die. And to every woman he has whispered, You are alone, or, When they see who you really are, you will be alone, or, No one will ever truly come for you.

Take a moment. Quiet your heart and ask yourself, "Is this a message I have believed, feared, lived with?" Not only do more women fear they will ultimately be abandoned by the men in their lives -they fear it from other women as well. That they will be abandoned by their friends, and left alone. It's time to reveal this pervasive threat, this crippling fear, this terrible lie.

I'm reminded of a scene from The Two Towers, the second film in The Lord of the Rings trilogy. It takes place in the land of Rohan, in the hall of the king, in the chambers of the lovely Eowyn. She is the king's niece, the only Lady of the court. Her dearest cousin, Theodred, the son of the king, has just died from wounds he received in battle. he is grieving her loss when Wormtongue -supposed counselor to the king but a treacherous, vile creature -slinks into her chambers and begins to weave his spell around the unprotected maiden.

WORMTONGUE: O... he must have died sometime during the night. What a tragedy for the king to lose his only son and heir. I understand his passing is hard to accept. Especally now that you brother has deserted you. [Wormtongue arranged for his banishment.]

EOWYN: Leave me alone, snake!

WORMTONGUE: O, but you are alone.

Oh, but you are alone. This is the way of the Evil One toward you. He plays upon a woman's worst fear: Abandonment. He arranges for her to be abandoned, and he puts his spin on every event he can do to make it seem like abandonment.




* tRUST & OBey the LORD *