In this race for time and resources, the feeling of giving up seems inevitable. And the further I go, the stronger the feeling of giving up gets. I think it's discouragement from the devil. It's like the kind of discouragement that Elijah had from Jezebel. It's just when he was about to win the war then this feeling comes and stirs up such emotion that I just feel like I want to drop the whole thing entirely. After graduating from my degree program, the scarce monetary resources available to me prevents my energy from realizing it's true potential. Something this small appears like a huge boulder that is impossible to remove. But all I need is a lever and a little strength to get the ball rolling.
It's nothing but this feelings. I get so hooked on my feelings sometimes. It's like nicotine. It makes me hallucinate in thirst for a lift into a mere fantasy- the perception that life would be easier without drive and force. That the grass is greener on the other side. That I could live my life as a simple being and forget about this ambition, this dream that seems to be directing me to a monetary dead end.
It is so untrue. On the other side, there is no grass. There are no dreams. There are no winners. On the other side, is a bare, dry, empty land, with not a pebble even, in sight. And that land stretches on and on with nothing but barren emptiness and space. Whatever I saw from that other side of the fence was merely a hallucination. And if I don't realize that now, I would be giving up everything for nothing. That's what nicotine does. That's what the feeling of giving up does - it causes hallucinations and the blurriness of one's eyesight. The enemy to the advancement of all human race: to accept life as what they perceive it is. The strive to be comfortable in a barren land, catalyzed by lies that on the other side of their fence is an empty space, where the reverse is true. A place never ventured can only be reached through the perception of another individual- and whatever they perceive of it is whatever it is believed to be. But the source of that perception is unknown, for it could have been mere illusion to begin with. This conceptualizes the final theory that a place never ventured can only be reached through illusion.
Okay, so I was being poetic and metaphoric but that paints the picture of what the feeling of giving up does to destroy my dreams. And because it is so dangerous, I must not feed that feeling. Because today I was just letting myself into hallucinating again and believing that life would be easy for me if I just dropped the whole idea of educational studies and be a pastor on the mission field or a housewife. I can't let go of those hallucinations: that the grass is greener on the other side. I thought I would have more vision there and more enthusiasm for my work. The reverse is true. A place never ventured can only be reached through illusion.
*taken from devo 29th Aug 08
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
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