The Real Reason

There real reason why some people don’t want to go to work is not the laziness that we accuse them of. It is fear.

Fear of the unknown. Fear of meeting challenges you are not capable of overcoming. Fear of problems greater than yourself. Fear of failure. Fear of staring faces. Fear of being looked down on. Fear and insecurity. 

The only reason why I made it through work every day is because I forced myself to face my fears. It is a painful thing to do each day but it is reality.

It’s the same reason why I never enjoyed going to school. I’ve always hated school. Especially when I’ve not gone for a long time, like if it’s the first day of school after a break —even a weekend. Fear grips and fear is real. Physical even.

To me, showing up at work and showing up at school is man-ing up to it. It is adulting. It is an act of maturity — something adults have to face even though they don’t want to.

My question always was — is it just me or does everyone else have to grind their teeth to get to work and school everyday? Am I the only one agonizing the pain of fear or is this just another part of life that everyone goes through? Because if I am the only one,… I probably need help.

The interesting fact is that I don’t experience this fear when I have my own business or freelancing — except for when I have to meet clients — like if I am running an education institution and I have to teach a class or meet the parents. Then, the same chilling fear runs deep again. The what if’s. Fear is suffocating, and fear is real. Sometimes, I have to take deep breaths to face my fears. 

I put up a strong and confident face to hide the fears. I muster up enough courage to throw my voice so I look confident like I know what I am doing but the truth is that I’ve swallowed the fear and it’s gone from my throat to my heart and I’m rushing through my appointments so I can shut the clients out the door, sit back, close my eyes and cry my eyeballs out for all the trauma I’ve forced myself to go through. It’s over. When’s the next one?

And sometimes, I wish it would all end. I wish I would just wake up one day, finally an adult where I don’t have to hurt from it anymore. But that day never comes.

I guess I just have to resort to being my own boss and running a business where I don’t have to meet people. There’s a ton of ways to earn money without meeting anyone these days — day trading, writing, YouTubing, the list is endless.

But that’s not the help I need — I need to know how I can overcome my fear of people.

Even as a homeschooling mom and curriculum writer, I still have to go to the shops. The worst part is that my writing doesn’t give me any money yet, so I have to shop at op shops and community pantries. And all I’m hoping for is to come out safely without any stares. Yesterday, I had one of those. It’s taking me a while to get over it. 

Is that why I’m writing this post? Did it trigger something I’ve not experienced in a long time?

Did you know I’ve been scolded on a public bus before? Yes, I was 18 and made some stupid moves without thinking — my absent-mindedness to be blamed. The bus conductor— yes, there was a bus conductor, unfortunately— he shelled me right there and then. I cried. I couldn’t take it.

Yes, the same fear grips me when I take public transport — a taxi, a bus, a train— anything with strangers in it. But at least now, I know why.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *