Oh well.. somethings happened.. I've spent too much time over at my godparents place. It made me really think.. like.. why did I spend so much time there.. I've realized a few things.. Firstly,.. I go there because I'm lonely. And being with Andrew really makes me 'unlonely'.. because I really have fun hanging out with him.. he keeps me company and makes me happy. What are friends for, right? For company, I guess.. I guess that's why people want to get married.. because they're lonely. I guess I do need a boyfriend.. or husband.. or something.. someone to keep me sane.
XiYing is good to hang out with too.. XiYing and Aaron. Hardly any girls in this world can keep me 'unlonely', I must add, so XiYing is one in a million.. I wouldn't trade her for any other girlfriend in the world.. After all the breakups, she's the one that's been there.. all the time, praying for me and all. Although the world knows how much she's depended on me for transport, but without a car now, I've begin to realize that she does depend on me for other things as well.. And that we BOTH are desperate for transport now..
Aaron.. Aaron Aaron.. I feel for you, boy.. err.. man... no wait.. err... sir? Oh well.. I feel for you, whatever you are.. seriously.. and I have to admit, I'm grateful to you for hanging out with XiYing when I was not there to hang out with her, but mostly, I'm grateful to you for hanging out with me as well. Although the world knows your ulterior motives, (LOL) but... but but.. no, seriously.. there is a difference between 'XiYing & Anna' and 'XiYing, Aaron & Anna'. There is, seriously. Although you're more quiet these days than before I left, I'm aware that both of us strongly appreciate your enduring presence ^^
Okay, another thing I noticed about myself and my loneliness.. Okay, don't tell anyone.. shhhhh.. The truth is... *drumrolls*.. I can't eat alone >.< I'd cry and get emo. The loneliness just sets in and makes me don't wanna eat. I rather starve until someone comes along the way, and then I'd hurriedly grab something to munch. No, seriously. It's a terrible bacteria/sickness thingy. Like now, I'm at home.. alone, in my room.. on my bed. I'm having gastric. There's no food on the table. Not like it will make a difference anyway. But I just don't want to eat. When I roam this empty house and this empty kitchen, I feel lonely and emo. I start to think about the people I love. And I start to ask myself regarding their whereabouts and their schedule for the day. I get hurt. Then I start to cry. No kidding.
The stupid thing is.. not just anyone will do. I want someone I like to eat with me, or I won't eat. I guess I've had this 'sickness' since I had a little.. err.. 'anaroxia', if you will.. when I was.. 16. And then, ever since,.. I just ate for 'show'. I ate because so and so asked me to eat, if not I won't eat. Or I eat because so and so is looking.. ultimately, I do not eat for the food but for the company. I eat because it is 'fellowshipping' or because I am trying to 'save' food from going down the drain. It became so bad that.. when my mom leaves me alone in the room to eat, for example, I'd just stop because it's 'wasting' a meal. I don't know the term for it, it's just hard to explain. This is one of the times when I do wish that there is someone out there who is like me, who can understand my eating habit/sickness/whatever.
One thing that worries me the most, and I repeat, the most about working outside is the fact that I have to eat alone or with colleages that I don't have a relationship with. The scariest thing that comes to mind is.. "who is going to eat lunch with me?" I guess that's why I keep running to Andrew's house to eat.. other than his company.. it's.. their company at lunch. I don't mind working if I can go to work, come back for lunch and go off to work again.. at least I am 'spending' my meal time with people I love. (I don't know why I talk about meals as though each meal I eat signifies one meal closer to death) Oh, well.. only God knows.
But that's when the car comes in.. I can't hang with XiYing and Aaron because I don't have a car, I can't hang with Andrew and Mom because I don't have a car. People, Anna really needs a car.. seriously. She's lonely.. and do you know what happens when she is lonely?
Okay.. after this part.. please think twice before you go on reading.. Read only if you promise me that you will love me forever, no matter what I do or what I think and that your love for me is unconditional. Then you may go on reading.. because after this, you most likely will.. remove me from your friendship list on the terms of 'too emo' or 'too melancolic'... so if you are unsure about your relationship with me and especially if you are a guy.. please don't read. Because girls are generally more understanding and have a section in their hearts for people who 'need more grace'. Besides, girls don't feel the 'pressure' of handling every situation successfully. In other words, please read without putting any pressure on yourself as a friend to help me. When you put pressure, you will avoid me because you will soon realize that nothing you do can help. Such disappointment will result in you avoiding me to resist the disappointment.
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Okay.. so.. when I get lonely,.. what happens is.. I start to question the purpose of life.. what is life if I don't have anyone to live with? How do I go on life if nobody is part of it? What is life lived all alone? What value does that life have? Then when I realize that I have no one who will spend their lives or their time with me.. I will... start thinking of killing myself.
Want to run away from me yet? Think I'm being too emao? So be it. Go freak out and run. Perhaps I am too emao.. but like I said.. I didn't ask you to help me. I know you can't help me. Sigh. Anna's burden is too large for you. Too heavy.
If you think that way.. I don't blame you. Who doesn't?
Why am I telling the world this? Why am I telling everyone that I get so lonely that I want to kill myself? Because.. obviously.. I do hope that someone can help me.. can take away this loneliness.. just as much as I know 99% of the people who read this post can't take the loneliness away, I believe that 1% can. And I am writing this post for that 1% who can, risking the 99% of my friends who will ignore me totally after this just because they don't feel like they can handle me. So.. for the sake of trying.. then, if you are in that 1% category, please answer me.
It's weird because I know that I have God and everything.. but like God said.. it's not good for man to live alone.
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
God does say that it is not good for man to live alone.. but even b4 God created Eve... i do not think Adam is lonely. He enjoy being with God... I think 100% of people cannot fulfill your need. Yes, they can be there and hang out with u when u are lonely..but if only man can meet your need so that u are not lonely but not god ..i dun see the point why God still need to exist. Anyway no hard feeling ... I believe your life will be very colourful and beautiful if you look things in the way how god looks it ..Lots of love dear sister..
ReplyDeleteyou're right..
ReplyDeletethanks again, Xiying ^^
You have bunch of friends anna - lonely? nah.. alright, if you are.. then why not call up your friends and hang out with them or do some activities with your friends.
ReplyDeleteOr.. maybe the Lord just wanna draw you into the wilderness - to draw you closer to Him.
There's a song in my heart and I want to sing it out to you.. but too bad you can't hear it :P so it's just all words.. Here you go:
All the time you think you're all alone in this world.. going through all these pains and problems but i wanna let you know that you are not alone, you are not alone.
There are a lot of people out there who are going through the same thing as you..
So why is these.. happening to a lot of people.. what went wrong.. what went wrong?
Everything a person goes through, there's a lesson to learn.
You might not know what is it now.. but one day.. it will come to you..
---------the song ends here------>>
>>> umm.. didn't get to continue.. the melody/song stops here. Got disrupted by someone..
In my loneliness, in my despair I found God - that was few years back..
Is ok to get emo at times.. it shows that you have emotion - that your heart is not cold.
You know one funny thing i found out? A lot of humans hates emo people and look at them in disdain and never know they could be in those emo shoes one day/ and yet they themselves are one too - an emo.
Okay.. that's all i got to say for now. May the Lord gives comfort to your heart. Take care and God Bless.
Thanks, guys.. =) so much...
ReplyDelete