What is inside can be seen from the outside. Yes, sometimes I thought that ultimately, You look at the heart and that only You know what is in my heart. But sometimes, what is in my heart comes out. It manifests itself through my words and through my actions. And it isn't that hard sometimes to see what is in a persons' heart. You said, "by their fruits, you shall know them" and "out of the abundance of his heart a man speaks" and "it is not what goes into a man that defiles a man, but what comes out of him. For out of the heart of man comes evil desires". In the end, it can be seen from the outside. And the only way I can fix my problems with myself is by first dealing with my heart. When I can deal with that part, that is the most valuable and most important part, then my actions and my words will follow suit.
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
Monday, November 17, 2008
Saturday, November 08, 2008
the fear of discouragement
They keep telling me that I don't know what I am doing. That I'm too young.. that I'm inexperienced. What do I fear? What is it I am so afraid of when people ask me what my dream is and how I plan to get there? You really wanna know? It's discouragement. I've had more people telling me that I'm too fresh to know anything than there are people telling me that I'm doing the right thing.
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
My loneliness is killing me.. I must confess.. I still believe
Back in Malaysia de.. yay... byebye aussie.. >.<
Oh well.. somethings happened.. I've spent too much time over at my godparents place. It made me really think.. like.. why did I spend so much time there.. I've realized a few things.. Firstly,.. I go there because I'm lonely. And being with Andrew really makes me 'unlonely'.. because I really have fun hanging out with him.. he keeps me company and makes me happy. What are friends for, right? For company, I guess.. I guess that's why people want to get married.. because they're lonely. I guess I do need a boyfriend.. or husband.. or something.. someone to keep me sane.
XiYing is good to hang out with too.. XiYing and Aaron. Hardly any girls in this world can keep me 'unlonely', I must add, so XiYing is one in a million.. I wouldn't trade her for any other girlfriend in the world.. After all the breakups, she's the one that's been there.. all the time, praying for me and all. Although the world knows how much she's depended on me for transport, but without a car now, I've begin to realize that she does depend on me for other things as well.. And that we BOTH are desperate for transport now..
Aaron.. Aaron Aaron.. I feel for you, boy.. err.. man... no wait.. err... sir? Oh well.. I feel for you, whatever you are.. seriously.. and I have to admit, I'm grateful to you for hanging out with XiYing when I was not there to hang out with her, but mostly, I'm grateful to you for hanging out with me as well. Although the world knows your ulterior motives, (LOL) but... but but.. no, seriously.. there is a difference between 'XiYing & Anna' and 'XiYing, Aaron & Anna'. There is, seriously. Although you're more quiet these days than before I left, I'm aware that both of us strongly appreciate your enduring presence ^^
Okay, another thing I noticed about myself and my loneliness.. Okay, don't tell anyone.. shhhhh.. The truth is... *drumrolls*.. I can't eat alone >.< I'd cry and get emo. The loneliness just sets in and makes me don't wanna eat. I rather starve until someone comes along the way, and then I'd hurriedly grab something to munch. No, seriously. It's a terrible bacteria/sickness thingy. Like now, I'm at home.. alone, in my room.. on my bed. I'm having gastric. There's no food on the table. Not like it will make a difference anyway. But I just don't want to eat. When I roam this empty house and this empty kitchen, I feel lonely and emo. I start to think about the people I love. And I start to ask myself regarding their whereabouts and their schedule for the day. I get hurt. Then I start to cry. No kidding.
The stupid thing is.. not just anyone will do. I want someone I like to eat with me, or I won't eat. I guess I've had this 'sickness' since I had a little.. err.. 'anaroxia', if you will.. when I was.. 16. And then, ever since,.. I just ate for 'show'. I ate because so and so asked me to eat, if not I won't eat. Or I eat because so and so is looking.. ultimately, I do not eat for the food but for the company. I eat because it is 'fellowshipping' or because I am trying to 'save' food from going down the drain. It became so bad that.. when my mom leaves me alone in the room to eat, for example, I'd just stop because it's 'wasting' a meal. I don't know the term for it, it's just hard to explain. This is one of the times when I do wish that there is someone out there who is like me, who can understand my eating habit/sickness/whatever.
One thing that worries me the most, and I repeat, the most about working outside is the fact that I have to eat alone or with colleages that I don't have a relationship with. The scariest thing that comes to mind is.. "who is going to eat lunch with me?" I guess that's why I keep running to Andrew's house to eat.. other than his company.. it's.. their company at lunch. I don't mind working if I can go to work, come back for lunch and go off to work again.. at least I am 'spending' my meal time with people I love. (I don't know why I talk about meals as though each meal I eat signifies one meal closer to death) Oh, well.. only God knows.
But that's when the car comes in.. I can't hang with XiYing and Aaron because I don't have a car, I can't hang with Andrew and Mom because I don't have a car. People, Anna really needs a car.. seriously. She's lonely.. and do you know what happens when she is lonely?
Okay.. after this part.. please think twice before you go on reading.. Read only if you promise me that you will love me forever, no matter what I do or what I think and that your love for me is unconditional. Then you may go on reading.. because after this, you most likely will.. remove me from your friendship list on the terms of 'too emo' or 'too melancolic'... so if you are unsure about your relationship with me and especially if you are a guy.. please don't read. Because girls are generally more understanding and have a section in their hearts for people who 'need more grace'. Besides, girls don't feel the 'pressure' of handling every situation successfully. In other words, please read without putting any pressure on yourself as a friend to help me. When you put pressure, you will avoid me because you will soon realize that nothing you do can help. Such disappointment will result in you avoiding me to resist the disappointment.
Okay.. so.. when I get lonely,.. what happens is.. I start to question the purpose of life.. what is life if I don't have anyone to live with? How do I go on life if nobody is part of it? What is life lived all alone? What value does that life have? Then when I realize that I have no one who will spend their lives or their time with me.. I will... start thinking of killing myself.
Want to run away from me yet? Think I'm being too emao? So be it. Go freak out and run. Perhaps I am too emao.. but like I said.. I didn't ask you to help me. I know you can't help me. Sigh. Anna's burden is too large for you. Too heavy.
If you think that way.. I don't blame you. Who doesn't?
Why am I telling the world this? Why am I telling everyone that I get so lonely that I want to kill myself? Because.. obviously.. I do hope that someone can help me.. can take away this loneliness.. just as much as I know 99% of the people who read this post can't take the loneliness away, I believe that 1% can. And I am writing this post for that 1% who can, risking the 99% of my friends who will ignore me totally after this just because they don't feel like they can handle me. So.. for the sake of trying.. then, if you are in that 1% category, please answer me.
It's weird because I know that I have God and everything.. but like God said.. it's not good for man to live alone.
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
Oh well.. somethings happened.. I've spent too much time over at my godparents place. It made me really think.. like.. why did I spend so much time there.. I've realized a few things.. Firstly,.. I go there because I'm lonely. And being with Andrew really makes me 'unlonely'.. because I really have fun hanging out with him.. he keeps me company and makes me happy. What are friends for, right? For company, I guess.. I guess that's why people want to get married.. because they're lonely. I guess I do need a boyfriend.. or husband.. or something.. someone to keep me sane.
XiYing is good to hang out with too.. XiYing and Aaron. Hardly any girls in this world can keep me 'unlonely', I must add, so XiYing is one in a million.. I wouldn't trade her for any other girlfriend in the world.. After all the breakups, she's the one that's been there.. all the time, praying for me and all. Although the world knows how much she's depended on me for transport, but without a car now, I've begin to realize that she does depend on me for other things as well.. And that we BOTH are desperate for transport now..
Aaron.. Aaron Aaron.. I feel for you, boy.. err.. man... no wait.. err... sir? Oh well.. I feel for you, whatever you are.. seriously.. and I have to admit, I'm grateful to you for hanging out with XiYing when I was not there to hang out with her, but mostly, I'm grateful to you for hanging out with me as well. Although the world knows your ulterior motives, (LOL) but... but but.. no, seriously.. there is a difference between 'XiYing & Anna' and 'XiYing, Aaron & Anna'. There is, seriously. Although you're more quiet these days than before I left, I'm aware that both of us strongly appreciate your enduring presence ^^
Okay, another thing I noticed about myself and my loneliness.. Okay, don't tell anyone.. shhhhh.. The truth is... *drumrolls*.. I can't eat alone >.< I'd cry and get emo. The loneliness just sets in and makes me don't wanna eat. I rather starve until someone comes along the way, and then I'd hurriedly grab something to munch. No, seriously. It's a terrible bacteria/sickness thingy. Like now, I'm at home.. alone, in my room.. on my bed. I'm having gastric. There's no food on the table. Not like it will make a difference anyway. But I just don't want to eat. When I roam this empty house and this empty kitchen, I feel lonely and emo. I start to think about the people I love. And I start to ask myself regarding their whereabouts and their schedule for the day. I get hurt. Then I start to cry. No kidding.
The stupid thing is.. not just anyone will do. I want someone I like to eat with me, or I won't eat. I guess I've had this 'sickness' since I had a little.. err.. 'anaroxia', if you will.. when I was.. 16. And then, ever since,.. I just ate for 'show'. I ate because so and so asked me to eat, if not I won't eat. Or I eat because so and so is looking.. ultimately, I do not eat for the food but for the company. I eat because it is 'fellowshipping' or because I am trying to 'save' food from going down the drain. It became so bad that.. when my mom leaves me alone in the room to eat, for example, I'd just stop because it's 'wasting' a meal. I don't know the term for it, it's just hard to explain. This is one of the times when I do wish that there is someone out there who is like me, who can understand my eating habit/sickness/whatever.
One thing that worries me the most, and I repeat, the most about working outside is the fact that I have to eat alone or with colleages that I don't have a relationship with. The scariest thing that comes to mind is.. "who is going to eat lunch with me?" I guess that's why I keep running to Andrew's house to eat.. other than his company.. it's.. their company at lunch. I don't mind working if I can go to work, come back for lunch and go off to work again.. at least I am 'spending' my meal time with people I love. (I don't know why I talk about meals as though each meal I eat signifies one meal closer to death) Oh, well.. only God knows.
But that's when the car comes in.. I can't hang with XiYing and Aaron because I don't have a car, I can't hang with Andrew and Mom because I don't have a car. People, Anna really needs a car.. seriously. She's lonely.. and do you know what happens when she is lonely?
Okay.. after this part.. please think twice before you go on reading.. Read only if you promise me that you will love me forever, no matter what I do or what I think and that your love for me is unconditional. Then you may go on reading.. because after this, you most likely will.. remove me from your friendship list on the terms of 'too emo' or 'too melancolic'... so if you are unsure about your relationship with me and especially if you are a guy.. please don't read. Because girls are generally more understanding and have a section in their hearts for people who 'need more grace'. Besides, girls don't feel the 'pressure' of handling every situation successfully. In other words, please read without putting any pressure on yourself as a friend to help me. When you put pressure, you will avoid me because you will soon realize that nothing you do can help. Such disappointment will result in you avoiding me to resist the disappointment.
*********** censored ************
Okay.. so.. when I get lonely,.. what happens is.. I start to question the purpose of life.. what is life if I don't have anyone to live with? How do I go on life if nobody is part of it? What is life lived all alone? What value does that life have? Then when I realize that I have no one who will spend their lives or their time with me.. I will... start thinking of killing myself.
Want to run away from me yet? Think I'm being too emao? So be it. Go freak out and run. Perhaps I am too emao.. but like I said.. I didn't ask you to help me. I know you can't help me. Sigh. Anna's burden is too large for you. Too heavy.
If you think that way.. I don't blame you. Who doesn't?
Why am I telling the world this? Why am I telling everyone that I get so lonely that I want to kill myself? Because.. obviously.. I do hope that someone can help me.. can take away this loneliness.. just as much as I know 99% of the people who read this post can't take the loneliness away, I believe that 1% can. And I am writing this post for that 1% who can, risking the 99% of my friends who will ignore me totally after this just because they don't feel like they can handle me. So.. for the sake of trying.. then, if you are in that 1% category, please answer me.
It's weird because I know that I have God and everything.. but like God said.. it's not good for man to live alone.
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Prayer meeting is more happening than Cell Group
Who created the cell group structure? Who said that Cell Group had to be the 4Ws? No offence, but I'm pretty sure that Lawrence Kong was just doing his best in planning a guide, but it isn't the 'formula' for evangelism. There isn't a 'formula'. Every time we reach out, it is different. God doesn't use the same techniques twice. God is a creative God. First he asks David to go for war but the next time, he told David to wait near the bramble bush. And when they hear the sound of the enemies marching, then charge. God never asked anyone to conquer a city like the way He asked Joshua to march around Jericho. God only used that once in the Bible.
How long ago was cell group created? 7 years ago? More? How long is that? One generation? How many years is one generation? How sure are we that the same techniques which worked for the previous generation will work now or in the future? How many years are you planning to use this same technique? Until Christ comes again? Isn't the second generation to be better than the first? Isn't the second generation the generation to enter into the promise land? Doesn't Elisha have double portion of the anointing from Elijah? Don't we want out children to achieve greater success than us? I believe that the season for Cell Group is over. Let's create something new.
I believe that God is a creative God. He created the whole world - He created the animals, plants and us. Look at the flowers: so different one from the other. He doesn't use the same techniques twice, and He can create something different, something new, something original. That is why I believe that cell group doesn't have to be the same all the time.
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
How long ago was cell group created? 7 years ago? More? How long is that? One generation? How many years is one generation? How sure are we that the same techniques which worked for the previous generation will work now or in the future? How many years are you planning to use this same technique? Until Christ comes again? Isn't the second generation to be better than the first? Isn't the second generation the generation to enter into the promise land? Doesn't Elisha have double portion of the anointing from Elijah? Don't we want out children to achieve greater success than us? I believe that the season for Cell Group is over. Let's create something new.
I believe that God is a creative God. He created the whole world - He created the animals, plants and us. Look at the flowers: so different one from the other. He doesn't use the same techniques twice, and He can create something different, something new, something original. That is why I believe that cell group doesn't have to be the same all the time.
* tRUST & OBey the LORD *
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