Why I cried

You are shaking my foundations. Disappointments flooded in again yesterday, as my visa was on hold. And it is just amazing how You gave me the exact same verse that I had the last time disappointments visited me.

Psalms 87

¹ His foundation is in the holy mountains.

And as I read back my devotion last time, it is very encouraging to know that my disappointments will turn out for the better. You see, last time, I was disappointed that I couldn't get into UQ. But now, I like LaTrobe so much. I realize that the units I am studying in LaTrobe, I cannot get anywhere else in the world. Not this kind, anyway. Because LaTrobe has special lecturers that are bias. And I like that because I am bias like them.

As I read my previous devotion on this same verse, I saw how disappointed I was that I couldn't get into UQ and that really tickles me now that I am reading back. How silly of me to think that getting into UQ was better just because it was more prestigious. It is really not about where my degree came from, but really what I've learned through that degree program.

And now that my visa is on hold, I may finally get a chance to get back into UQ and I don't want to. What a joke.

How would I have guessed that my old devotions can speak so much to myself today. Talk about disappointments. I am so torn that I don't want to speak to anyone, don't want to do anything, don't even want to eat. I'm just too sorrowful because of my position right now. But my devotion talked so much about disappointments.

And my mental picture in that devotion even spoke about a meeting, a gathering and a discussion to produce an outcome. It seems as though I saw a vision, even 1 and a half weeks ago, that there was going to be a compliance committee meeting to discuss my situation this week, whether my visa was to be accepted or not.

Here's part of that mental picture:

But then, there was a courtroom. A conference. A discussion. All the lawyers took their places and one of them stood out against the rest. He proposed a refund. He proposed a compensation for all the work done and all the efforts. And true enough, there was hope as they recovered the money and redesigned the plans. True enough, You remained faithful till the end, as the building layout is now even bigger than before. It is by Your grace that they made it through it all.

In the end, after that discussion, the building layout was even bigger than before. Now, how did that happen? It was by Your grace. You are a great God. You can do anything You want. And I believe in You, that when You give, and if You take away, that You will multiply what You have taken away and give it back to me.

The same goes to other things in life. When You give me a good guy, and when You take him away, I always know that You have someone much better in store for me. There is nothing to be disappointed about. In fact, I should rejoice. Because if the guy that You take away is a really great guy, imagine, what kind of guy I will have in the end? Must be double the greatness! If You take this visa away from me, I cannot imagine what will happen soon. It is simply marvelous.

You shake the foundations, Lord. Because You are rebuilding Your house. You are enlarging it.

Second Mental Picture (taken from today's devotion):

I saw this boy playing with white blocks. And he was using those blocks to build a block house on a book. Apparently, that book was his foundation. And when the house was almost completed, he shook the book accidentally, and the whole building collapsed.

And he was disappointed. He was really sad. He cried. Because all of his hardwork was into it. He had really put his heart into it. And now it's all gone. That's why he cried. And then he went and told his mom. Then his mom felt for him. Then she came to see his destroyed work.

Then she explained to him that his foundation was not good enough. She told him to build on a foundation that cannot be shaken. And so he did, and this time, she helped him. They built a castle on the floor. It was so tall, that it was taller than him. He was so happy.

Now, let's take a look at the previous mental picture:

All the lawyers took their places and one of them stood out against the rest. He proposed a compensation for all the work done and all the efforts.

You know, I cried. I cried because I felt like I came this far. I tried so hard to get into uni. I tried so hard to come here to aussie, to pay so much money, and now I have to start from square one. I cried because of all my hardwork and efforts. I did so many things - I ran to the office to pay my fees, I missed the stop on the way to uni, I waited for another bus that never came, walked kms a couple of times, I went to the post office to get my working with childrens check, I went through the whole process. I did so many things. I bought my stationary, bought books, got my student card, got enrolled into college. Went to the bank a couple of times to resolve so many transactions, rushed to the immigration office because I lost my way to the train station.

I had to wait nervously, praying like anything that my previous education institution will even give me a refund. And I lost thousands and thousands of dollars and ringgit to the migration office for a visa I canceled and enrollment into the cooking school, which costed RM3000, but of which I canceled also. I did so many things, and now they wanted to tell me that my second visa can be rejected? Do they know how much it costs in ringgit for each application? It costs RM1500. And I had to apply twice. And it was all my dad's money. And now he doesn't have much left. Let's not even mention the rent, food and utilities of about $120 a WEEK. And I've been here for 2.5 months. So that's $1200 x 3 = RM3600, rent only up till today, not counting future rent.

My first semester fees costs 8125.. dollars. That's multiplied by 3 point something. That's almost RM25,000, including registration fees, transport, and so on and so forth. And since I already commenced my studies, if my visa gets rejected, I don't know if they will give me a full refund. If they only give me 50%, I will loose half of my RM25 000.

My plane ticket here costs another RM3500 or so. If I added everything together with all my expenses on clothes and blanket and everything, it will come up to RM38 200. I could buy a brand new car. By cash. Instead of burning that money to the ground. And imagine if I had to fly back (RM3600++) and fly here again (another RM3600++), and did that WHOLE process all over again. That's why I cried. Because of all that. My efforts. My hardwork. And a lot of other people's hard earned money and savings.

God, please tell me You have something much greater. Much much. Please tell me it was all worth it. Thank You.


Nevertheless, I shall build now a new foundation that can never be shaken - my foundation in God. My foundation through prayer, worship and the word.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *