Keep Your Eyes on Him and You will Go Further than the seas for Him

Last of 2008-2011

2011-12-31T18:10:00.002+08:00

It's the last day of the year and it's time for me to tell you my successes, what I've accomplished this year and what I've learned, so here goes nothin' but my ramblings... because what you're going to read is in fact, my failures.

First off, it's been the shortest year for me - every year seems to get shorter - don't ask why, I have no clue. I guess it's because I'm enjoying a little bit more and more of my life. But the exact things that have caused me joys this year have caused me pains. I now end this wonderful year with a season of trials as I painfully learn from my errors. Everything has left me but in a daze and I honestly don't even want to reflect back on this years' blissful happenings.

To cut the long story short, I've had an amazing year because of a wonderful friend that I was just so caught up with for the past 4 years that I really never realized that this friendship was never from God in the first place. It was a one-sided friendship and he never really thought of me the same way I thought of him. All this while, he was probably just bearing with me. He never really saw me as a best friend although he meant the world to me. I've just been so disillusioned.

Now that I know that I am only a second-class friend, I've decided not to spend so much time with him anymore, not be a 'part of his family' anymore, not go to his house so often anymore. I did speak to his mother about this but she said "Anna, make sure that you don't come here so rarely until you are no more a part of us and until we are not used to you anymore or.. we become nothing but acquaintances." I just grunted. I didn't say anything because I am prepared to let go of everything, even if that means we will be nothing but acquaintances.

How can the very people who mean the world to me end up as an acquaintance? I was driving to PD from KL and I realized that there were a few stops on the way - the Sungai Besi Toll, Kota Kemuning, Nilai, Banting, Seremban, Springhill and then Lukut, which is in PD. I took the roads leading towards Sungai Besi and then realized that I was supposed to follow the signboards heading towards Seremban and Malacca instead of Sungai Besi although Sungai Besi was a milestone. Then I headed towards Kota Kemuning and got trapped somewhere at UPM because I was focused on them instead of Seremban and Malacca.

In the end, the lady at the toll there had to tell me to follow Johore Bharu - she mentioned it twice in Malay, "Follow Johore Bharu; Follow Johore Bharu". It was almost as if she was definite that I would turn aside. She was right. In no time, I saw the sign that said, "Alternate route to Seremban" totally leading me astray from the way that led to Johore Bharu. Then I realized how important messages from my mentors meant to me and I learned to appreciate their advice. Sometimes, I may not understand why they may be so hard on me - keep telling me the same things over and over but now I know - because they are so used to me getting distracted from my real focus - the Cross.

But the biggest lesson of all is that I was so preoccupied with the milestones that I wasted so much time there because I thought that if they were milestones then they would lead me to my destination - but the problem with milestones is that they are not the destination - they might not even be pitstops - they are just landmarks that I have to pass by - something to tell me that I'm heading in the right direction. But when I start to get caught up with them, then that's where my mistake lies - I am so caught up with the signs that You have positioned in my life -the little milestones - the wonderful people that You have put in my life so much that I stop and hang around so long with them that I am totally distracted from my journey - no, my journey was not supposed to end with them. They were just pleasant people You have put in my life to encourage me and to assure me that I am headed in the right direction - that I am following You correctly. I really shouldn't get so caught up until I can't move forward anymore.

For the past 4 years, I have been spending my time with this family who have really enriched my life in so many ways, and they mean so much to me, but really - they are just milestones - they are not my future. I don't have a future with them. You only put them here to bless me but now I have to move on. I cannot think that I will spend the rest of my life with any of them - I will not. It's time I said goodbye.

Yes, the friendship continues, but it is really hard for me at the moment to see them because the pain is just cutting in so deeply. All I can be is just a normal friend. Every time I see him,.. sigh. You know what I mean? All I can be is a good friend, but I really have to learn to control my emotions. Because when I see him I can get disillusioned so easily to think that he thinks of me as such a dear friend, when he actually doesn't. It's just something about him that keeps making me think that he needs me and wants me to be his close friend. That's all untrue. He doesn't need me - it was me who needed him the whole time. He has friends of his own and his computer games - he really doesn't need me and in fact, I wonder if he even realizes that I am gone. When I see the way he treats his REAL friends, I feel like a second-class friend.

To give up this one thing is to give up everything. So here goes everything...

PS: Jesus, take him - he's yours. And when I give, I won't ask back anymore. I know You want my heart and You want all of it. You know how much he means to me, so this is all of it. And there's nothing else in my heart - just this one thing.. it's filled up my whole heart. If You want my heart, I will give it to You - this is not sacrifice - this is merely obedience. I just hope I never fill my heart with anything else again but You because this is the most expensive price I've yet to pay for my mistakes. Please help me - I can't do this on my own. I need You.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

My heart for the ministry

2011-12-26T13:04:00.002+08:00

Let me share something with you - every now and then, I see hundreds of young women lined up to be prayed for in a huge rally - crying, and me, praying for each one of them, crying with them, hugging them, ministering to them for inner healing. And I see their skin colour - they are not Chinese but they are Asians - I just don't know from which Southeast Asian country but they are tan and understand English. And something in me tells me that it is Philippines.

I have this strong feeling that I will be going to Philippines next year to minister to young people for a short time and then come back. I just don't know how or why. And lately I've had the invitation to go to Philippines about 3 times next year, 2 weeks each time, but I don't know what I am supposed to do there. I do hope that I will get the invitation to speak or pray for young women - youth. I think this is my calling. I don't know if it is just my calling for next year or my calling for my entire life - to minister to young people, but it is really burdening me right now and I think about it every now and then - something really aches me inside - I feel so much compassion for them - makes me want to go over there and pray for them right now.

And I keep asking God - God, when can I go? I want to minister to young people. I want to pray for them, lay hands on them, prophesy over them, cry with them, love them, give them a hug and tell them how much Jesus loves them and that everything is okay - that they don't have to cry anymore because there is a Father who really understands and loves them for who they are - that they don't have to be somebody they are not - that God created them perfect and how much He loves them - let Him heal their broken hearts, heal their hurts and rejection or whatever it is that they have.

This is my heart.

* tRUST and; OBey the LORD *

Sis Milla

2011-11-29T01:08:00.001+08:00

I met a new person. Sister Milla - a Filipino from the US. She runs 7 companies. But it's really not about that.

It's the way she preaches - her passion for the Lord and for the souls. It's overwhelming. That was the first thing that really caught my attention - it was her passion - it set the whole room on fire.

It is very rare that I listen to someone preaching and such a passion burns in my heart and burns my soul from within, burns my eyes - it makes me feel like a sinner on one hand, and on the other hand - it makes me so desperate for that same passion. It's contagious.

The last time I heard such a preacher was Pastor Philip Mantofa from Indonesia. And that was because of his experience with the Lord, or so I thought. That deep passion burned and burned and burned. And in my heart, I can't stop the burning. Just remembering his preaching and seeing his tears and hearing his cry is a life transforming encounter.

Today was it again. She preached at the Kingdom Club. And just as we expected, she caught everyone's attention. I wanted to just soak up every word. I knew it wasn't her words. It reminds me a lot of the prophet Elijah - a pure mouthpiece of God - spoken every Word like it was spoken from the heart of God. This is something supernatural. It cannot be explained and definitely cannot be copied.

The Words were sharp. It really wasn't about her. It was about the things she said that pierced my heart. She talked about the way we work is a worship unto God - we must not cut corners. Sometimes, when I teach my kids, I kind of slack - I may not prepare my lessons well, then when the kids slack and waste time, I tend to let them have a go at it, then I keep looking at my watch and drag my feet to class almost every time.

She showed us the structure - the structure of Mighty Dove Foundation. I want to start a Millionaire Missionary Foundation. I want at least 7 companies of my own - here, let me tell you what the companies are:

Anna Grace Group of Companies Includes:

1. Blueberry and Cinnamon Cafe - Franchise, Food Industry
2. Annagrace Boutique - Franchise, Fashion Industry
3. Double One Hotel - MNC, Travel and Tourism Industry
4. Furniture Factory - MNC; Design, Manufacturing and Logistics Industry
5. Underground Shopping Mall - Retail Industry
6. Handphone and Internet Service Provider - Telecommunications Industry
7. Property Developer - Real Estate Industry

This is aside from the company I own at the moment. This company that I am having now is in the midst of experimentation - because of the school that I want to build and I want this Anna Grace Group of Companies to fund my school. This is why my school is not included in this group of companies. The companies in AGC are all floating companies.

The Millionaire Missionary Foundation is to fund:

1. The Garden of Gethsemane and other schools
2. Pastors, Leaders and Missionaries
3. Charity and other mission work

Plus, I want to adopt Sis Milla's Diagram of Stewardship in these four areas: Word, Health, Wealth, and I can't remember what's the fourth one.

When we were at home, I went up to her as she was saying her goodbyes because she will be leaving tomorrow and I probably will not get the chance to see her again. I went up to her and I said, "Thank you for the anointing." She said, "I know, I was talking to you the whole time I was up there. I was talking to you." And I said, "I claim it. I claim the anointing."

But while she spoke to me, she prophesied without planning to. I always wanted that to happen to me - it's like God really wanted to talk to me so much.

She said, "By the end of next year, some people who were in that room, a lot of people who are in your church will be millionaires. Anna, you are coming out of the practice phase. Before the end of next year, you are going to see the finances pouring in. The practice is over. In fact, not just next year but in the next few months, you will begin to see it happening. This is the real thing. Practice is over. All this time, you have been laying the foundations and laying down the groundwork of how it is supposed to be done. The way you were doing it is correct. And the new phase is coming when you will see the finances pouring in."

And all I said was.. "Alright."

But I was in the shower and thinking - maybe she will want to invest. Then again, I think it totally defeats the purpose of it all - where's the fun if she just wrote me a cheque to cover it all? The whole point is about the journey. I have to discover it on my own. I have to get there by myself. I cannot take her money and invest it. That totally defeats the whole purpose - it wasn't about the money. It was about my journey with the Lord - my training.

If I could ask her for something, I'd rather ask her for the anointing to make that money than the money. I rather have the power to get wealth than the wealth. Then I thought again - no. There's something from her that I want more than the anointing. I want the passion - her passion for God.

I remember she was saying that the Word of God is like ice cream. We have to swim in it. We have to hear His breath breathing into our ears, His heartbeat. She was so close to the heart of the Father that I'd think she would disappear anytime and went missing like Enoch. I won't be surprised. Yes, it was that relationship I want - not the anointing, and definitely not the wealth.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Personal Prophecy

2011-09-02T10:02:00.003+08:00

I am going to show you the destiny of youth because of the school that you want to build. You will be able to see their calling and their purposes.

2nd September 2011
When I gave birth(life) to you, it was for a purpose. I am calling you to reach out to youth in every sphere of society - go to the nations and reach out to different kinds of youth in every nation. Forget about the school for a while and just minister to them, minister to their needs, see their hearts and reach out to them. After that, you can build the school.

Don't look down on yourself or think that you are incapable of doing it. There is going to be a new wind of revival spirit that will carry you through to a new place. I am bringing forth that wind of revival, even now, at this moment, I am bringing into Southeast Asia - a new wave of my spirit. And it will even touch the hearts of youth right now. I am using you, I am sending you forth - go and catch this wave of revival and bring it back to my people. Behold, I am sending you. And I will send with you a team - a team that will go with you to bring that revival back. Go - and do not be hard hearted when you see the things appearing before you. But go with the fullness of Christ.

I am sending you as a light in a dark place. Don't be weary when you see the sudden change of events taking place in your family and with the people around you. I am causing a new thing to birth forth in the spiritual realm and it will affect the physical realm, even as it will affect you. It is the last days, says the Lord, and I am bringing all these things to past. At last, every knee will bow and tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord of all.

Behold, your heart will not grow faint and will not grow weary - I am the deciding factor that will bring you to reach your fullest potential. I am the Alpha and the Omega. I will see to it. I will determine what will happen, not you. I will increase your joy and your fullness. Behold, I am doing a new thing.

I didn't call you to evangelize. You have a specific calling - I am calling you to touch the hearts of youth across the nations. I am calling you to minister to My heart by ministering to these people because these people have a special place in My heart and I am calling you to them. You have touched a special place in God's heart. And this is what He wants for the youth. He wants you to touch their hearts too.

Be fruitful and multiply in every place that I have sent you. I will go before you.

You will see things and greater things than these will you see. Do not be afraid of what you will see - behold! I am doing a new thing. And I will use young men and young women to bring these things to past, saith the Lord. They will create such a revival that this world has never seen before and it will start with them. Behold, I am doing a new thing.

It is in this time and in this season that you will see greater things happening. Behold, I am fulfilling it!

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

25th Birthday Prophecy

2011-08-15T15:10:00.000+08:00

By Joshua Sim

There is a decision that you are about to make and it is a very important decision, and God says that He wants you to make it a bold decision. Don't be afraid of the decision that you are about to make. He says you know what is the right decision to make and it is a long-term decision and it will determine your future.

By Linda Sim

There are opportunities for you, coming your way. And God will prosper you. You will reach a new level of intimacy with God. You are going to have such an intimacy with God.

By Faith

Open doors, God will open windows of opportunity for you, God is going to bless you.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

it really doesn't matter

2011-07-25T21:58:00.005+08:00

Today was a bit interesting. Skipped dinner - didn't feel like eating. (Still haven't eaten, btw.) Hungry, yes, just no appetite. Woke up with a broken heart. No idea why.

Went to school to take the worship because today's Monday and at the end of everything, Phoebe asked me, "Anna, I feel really down today. Any idea why? Like, really, really down."

So I was like.. "Hmm... you're very sensitive.."

"Why?"

"Erm.. you were down when you woke up or as soon as you came?"

"Erm... as soon as I came."

"Oh.. I know why already," I grinned and retreated to my work.

"Why?"

I looked back at her, "well..." felt kinda uneasy, really didn't want to say it, because I knew it was my fault, "must be because of me."

"Why because of you?"

"Umm.. I woke up down.. erm.. yeah.. and I guess when you came in you could feel it, that's why I said, 'You're very sensitive'."

And she was like.. "err.... okay." And went off to class.

"Don't worry, you'll feel better when you get into the class," I called out behind her.

So I thought for a moment and wondered how terrible worship must've been for her to feel so down and it never picked up since she walked in. Felt really guilty.

Then You spoke to me about the brokenness and that I had to really give You my heart and let You keep it. And if anyone wants my heart, he'd just have to ask You for it, and You will only give it to the one that is deserving. I've had my share of broken heartedness and I believe it's enough.

The day continued and I found myself really tired the rest of the time - physically tired. Not sure if it was due to the physical pain I had because of muscle strain from the dance classes or because of the emotional pain I felt in my heart along with it the entire day. By the end of it, I gave up my replacement class with my student in Cheras because I was just too tired and hardly feeling well. I knew that if I continued to the end of the day, I would return home half dead, probably sleeping on the wheel, even. Plus, by the time I reached home, it would've been about ten-ish - late.

So I laid down on the bed and chatted with You a bit. And then You told me, "Jesus Loves you" And suddenly that really meant so much to me.. love. Was I really that loved? Wow.. It was like something I would want to paste all over facebook. I actually know what that means now.

Then, since I skipped dinner, I resorted to worshiping on my guitar. Even skipped a meeting my dad asked me to go to because he saw me stealing my laptop away from the living room while everyone else plus guests ate at the dining.

While worshiping, many things crossed my mind. Family members, leaders,.. Sigh. The horrendous moments I've had and the pressure on all sides. Sigh. Just thinking of it makes me sigh. So that's how my worship went.. hard-going at first, trying to figure out what my problem really was. And then it came...

I decided not to care anymore - what people said, what they thought of me - no matter who they were - family members, 'mentors', 'leaders', etc. I didn't care anymore. It's not that I didn't respect, honor and all. It's just that nobody's perfect. They say things that probably were not from You anyway. Not everything they say is true. I just have to learn to hear for myself. Certain things like.. "Why worship so loud in your room until everyone outside can hear you?" So I tried to keep it down. Or.. "What's wrong with you? Why did your worship leading go down?" "Have you been having your personal worship? How often have you had it?" All the negative thoughts came back to haunt me during my worship. How terrible is that? How to worship like that?! I couldn't do it. I felt terrible. Useless. Guilty, even, for singing so 'loud'.

I really didn't know what was wrong with me. So it came to a point in my worship when I couldn't care less anymore what they said and I just went on, and on and on and on and on... with all my heart, with all my strength, and I couldn't be bothered whether anyone outside the room heard me or not. I really couldn't be bothered anymore. I didn't care if I sang the same lines over and over and over again, or if I sang one 'meaningless' gibberish that didn't even make a word and was more of a sound than speech at the same tone continuously. Just couldn't be bothered anymore. But when I did that, I felt that I was getting somewhere..

And then I suddenly felt that You were pleased with my worship. For once. Not that it was a worship song, it was really a song about me.. "I need more of You, more of You" (and I felt guilty singing that song, really because it wasn't a worship song, so there it is again..) And then as I just played and played the guitar.. something hit me.. I started to cry. Just pouring my heart out, the pain, the hurts, the disappointment... everything.. like I was emptying my recycle bin.

Then something else came, "You are beautiful".. You said to me. It made me feel happy but I really thought I was getting distracted by nonsense, so I shoved it aside.

A vision appeared before me. I saw the boutique I really liked last time - Somerset Bay, in 1U. I have no idea why I saw it, but I did. And I saw a father who took a girl to pick out a dress. And as soon as that vision hit me, I started to cry. And as usual,.. I had no idea why I cried. But I saw her picking out her dress with glee but most of all, it wasn't about her. It was about her father that made me cry. I had no idea who they were. It's not like my own dad didn't take me out to buy dresses, he did. But this wasn't about that. It was the expression on his face and his attitude towards his daughter - he treated her like a princess.

What was it I missed? Wasn't I treated well? I really thought I was, really.. What was missing? Why did I cry?

Being humans, we try to reason out everything. But really, not everything was made to be reasoned out.

I couldn't figure it out. So I just played my guitar and went on..

Then I saw my own dad taking me to the changing room, but, no, it wasn't a dress. It was long white jeans and a light blue, long-sleeve polo shirt. All beggy, too. And there, I burst into the most awful cry ever.

Now.. this was not a memory. This never happened to me. It really wasn't something I was remembering. My dad didn't do that to me. What just happened? Why am I crying?

There it went again.. I was trying to reason out everything. Didn't work. Still couldn't figure it out.

So I brought You in to help me figure it out. And as I looked at myself in the mirror with the jeans and shirt nicely tucked in as I stood there, totally shocked. You stood behind me, smiling.

Smiling. That still didn't make sense. But it made me feel good. Why? (trying to reason again)

Because You were smiling at the person inside. It really had nothing to do with what I wore.

"He saw me wearing guy clothes and smiled at me. It really doesn't matter, does it?"

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

it's them

2011-07-19T00:42:00.003+08:00

Come, let me tell you the pressures that I am really facing right now. Let me be honest and tell you the truth. Almost all my mentors are pressuring me to get married but the problem is no one is chasing me. Is it really my fault that I don't have a boyfriend? Their words echo, sinking into my head.

"Anna, you're getting older..", "You're old enough to get married, la...", "I want you to get married by 26...", "Do you want me to recommend anyone to you?", "Ask someone to recommend to you some guys...", "Anna, why don't you want to get married?", "You're getting older, you know that?"

Argh! I never thought this day will arrive but it finally did. The truth? Well, here's the truth:

I feel so hopeless right now. It's really not that I don't want to get married but I don't even have anyone on my list to consider, except for two really 'hopeless' guys that i wouldn't even want to put in my list, even if they had a big crush on me. (Trust me. Not ever going to be in the list.. EVER!)

And then there's this guy.. that I so really want to be with right now but will probably never have the chance with. I don't know but since I have nothing to loose anyway, I thought I might as well wait.. not like I have other options available, right? Why wait? Well, firstly because I don't go around chasing guys. Secondly, because I believe that if he's God's will for me that he'll come around. And thirdly,.. well... thirdly, because he's not my age.

There, you got me.. So I have to like wait super long but I guess it'll be worth it. It's really not that I am waiting but rather.. I got nowhere else to go anyway, so it's not that I'm being fussy. Plus, I just can't have feelings for anyone else the same way, so this is it, really. I think I've made my mind. And if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. I don't mind a life being single forever. It's not me who will be disappointed anyway... it's them.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

argh

2011-04-25T00:43:00.003+08:00

He's going to break my heart and I'm just waiting for the day... so close yet so far. I wish I could tell you everything that is in my heart. You're like a best friend. I still can't believe that day when you denied it. How could you have done it? Do you know how much I loved you? You broke my heart into a million pieces but I love you so much that I'm willing to do it all again just so that I can spend another day with you, even knowing that you won't be here for long.. When I asked God to show me how much He loved me, I didn't expect it to be this painful, and it's only a glimpse of how hurt Jesus must have been everytime I drew far away from Him. I loved you so much and I love you still.. if I could say it a million times, I'd say it.. everyday. I don't know why I love you. There's just something about you that can't be explained. And all I wanted was another day with you, another hour.. another minute.. another second. I'm just waiting for that day when I see you leave without ever knowing that I love you - without the slightest clue.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Advise myself

2011-04-23T13:11:00.003+08:00

girls want guys who can be respected, is mature and yet loves them

This is what I told my students.. then I wondered.. how hard can it be to find a guy whom I respect and yet loves me? I guess it's mainly because of two reasons: one, I hardly respect guys. Secondly, not many guys love me. So that leaves me with two questions:

What kind of guys do I have respect for?
Why is it so hard for guys to like me?

The first is easy to answer: I find it hard to respect older guys because my expectation of them is much higher than who they really are. But I respect younger guys easily because I basically don't place any expectations on them. It can even go to the extend of hearing a guy's age and immediately loosing my respect for them just because they are older - like.. being old means being dumb and unreasonable.

But why is it so hard for guys to like me? This, I honestly have no idea - what do guys really look for? I see the girls around me being admired by guys, and these girls have so diverse personalities that really makes me wonder.. what is it in these girls that captures the hearts of guys? From the really popular girls to the sweetest and purest girl. I have no idea what it is that makes guys do anything for. It just doesn't make sense to me, and it's not like these guys really know these girls before they are head over heels in love with them. They say girls are complicated, but it seems to me that girls are so easy to understand - they only want guys whom they respect to like them - what is so hard about that? But guys.. I really don't understand.

Do guys want girls whom they respect as well? Maybe not in the same areas but in other areas? What are the areas that guys will respect a girl in? Looks? Does that mean that I must get a guy who looks uglier than me? Eww~ perhaps.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

the boy i knew...

2011-02-11T01:21:00.004+08:00

It's been three years and you've grown so much. You're not the same boy I knew three years ago. You're a man now. You're responsible, hardworking, reliable, and all that. I wonder what happened to the boy...
But I like who you are now. And I'm amazed. Seriously. Even spiritually, I see so many good things about you that I didn't take into account before. I'm sorry for all the times when I took you for granted but most of all, I'm sorry I let you go so easily.

I always wanted someone perfect. I thought if I let you go, and if you're God's will then you'd come back one day. And I just didn't put any effort in to work it out - my low self confidence at that time teamed up with my desire for perfection. I'm sorry I didn't appreciate you enough to change.

I know you've changed but I don't know about me. I'll let you be the judge of that. But deep inside, I still think that I'm not good enough for you. That's to be honest but one thing I've changed is that at least this time, I think that you don't have to be perfect, because it's not perfection that I want anymore.

Thank you for tolerating my presence all this while. I always thought that I was a nuisance to you and to your privacy, but these few years, I've literally seen you grow. And I can still be surprised and am surprised that I am surprised. I've seen it all - the good and the bad. I've seen the parts about you that I hate the most but I've also seen the parts that I loved the most, but all this time, I didn't for a minute dare to think that anything will ever happen again between us.

It really shouldn't. I mean, after everything I've been through - wasn't that bad enough? I thought there was an agreement that we will go our separate ways? I agreed. I believed when I did. I didn't meant to love you again. I'm sorry. But you've grown so much.

You're a different person now. The person I know now and the person I knew then are two totally different people. The person then was only a boy. You're a totally different person and even I can see it. I don't want the boy last time, but I do want the guy now.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Which path to take after SPM?

2011-01-28T06:19:00.003+08:00

Your parents have chosen a course that will most probably lead to great wealth and I have nothing against that. But it breaks my heart to see the path that they have chosen for you. I know your parents are godly people. They love God and have given their entire lives to serving God. They have suffered a lot in this world and are very concerned about your financial well being. But here I am concerned, about everything else.

One thing you have to know is that God wants your time more than your money. He rather you give him your time than to use that time to make money and then give him the money. It will only please me one day to see you involved in the ministry, giving both your time and your money to God. Because your whole life belongs to Him anyway. Nothing here belongs to us. Everything we have in this world is only borrowed. We came into this world naked and we go back naked. We carried nothing in and we will carry nothing out. You cannot carry anything back - not your favourite pillow, not your best shirt in your closet - nothing. Money is not something you can bring to heaven.

I am richer than you because I have given up everything - my life and my money for the kingdom of God. And my riches are in heaven. But you, you can earn all the money in this world, but you cannot bring it back. What good is it to a man if he was to gain the whole world and lose his own soul? The riches in this world is only temporary. But the riches in heaven lasts forever. So in the end, what can you bring back? Only what you have done for God and your relationship with God. Spend your life building up your relationship with God, because when you go to heaven, that is the only thing that matters. That's the only thing you really bring back. That's the only thing that God wants to see. Even if you spent your whole life serving God in the ministry, all the things that you do for God in your entire lifetime added up cannot compare to the importance of your relationship with Him. To God, it is all about your relationship with Him. He doesn't need your money, doesn't even need your life or your ministry. Just your love.

The Bible said it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God because he has everything to give up and he has to give up everything. What's the use of money but for the kingdom of God? God will only give you money if you have something to use it for. If not, why should he give it to you? Is there something you have in mind to use the money for? Did he tell you that He wants that money? Then what is that money for? If you don't know, then don't work for it. You're just wasting your life. It is better for you having not lived than to spend your whole life on money instead of investing it in the kingdom of God. That will be one really wasted life because in the end, it will amount to nothing.

Yes, we can buy luxurious things, but only keep what belongs to us. You have to know that the money that God gives you does not belong to you. Take only what you need. With great wealth comes great responsibility, terms and conditions. And until and unless God has called you into that ministry of drawing in the wealth, then I do not suggest you do it for the rest of your life because just as entering the full time ministry is a calling, so entering the marketplace ministry is a calling, not a last resort. Always be sure you know your calling. We both know your brother was called into the marketplace, but not so sure about you.

Everything we do is all about calling. If God didn't call, don't go. If their motive in choosing that course for you is for the money and if your main motive of choosing that course is because that is what your parents want you to do then I suggest you fast and pray about it before you make such a major decision based on - if I may - shallow reasons. I think it is about time you hear God for yourself than to depend on your parent's relationship with God. If you can't hear God, then you are in a very dangerous place. And if this doesn't concern you, nothing will. The most basic foundation in Christianity is the ability to hear from God independently. Work on that and all your problems are solved. And if you need help, you know I'm always here to help you. This is the most important thing in life. I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Riches. Riches are only good for one thing - to give. And if you are not the generous type, then this is not your calling. The most important thing about receiving greatly is the ability to give greatly. That's how you know if you have that calling. That's how I knew I had the calling for the marketplace. Is generosity one of your gifts? If it isn't, you have two choices - you either work on your giving or you find out your true calling. If you don't do that, you are heaping up curses for yourself which you wouldn't want. There are tons of verses in the Bible against rich people who don't share their wealth and I do not want you to end up like one of them.

When God calls, he gives a vision. I always ask people - where does vision come from? Yes, I know it comes from God, but what does God use to spark vision? - Needs. Where there is a need, there is a purpose and where there is a purpose, there is a vision. Where is your heart? Forget about the passion of hobby. Where is your heart? Where is the burden? The passion that God has placed in your heart. The passion that was first in His. I am not talking about the passion for music. I am talking about the passion for worship. I am not talking about the passion for art. I am talking about the passion of touching the next generation. I am not talking about the passion for education. I am talking about the passion in changing the world. There is a big difference between ministry and compassion. Just like there is a difference between theology and God's word. Perhaps passion is not so the word, but burden. Find that out. Which part of God's heart has He placed within you? What breaks your heart which so evidently would break His? What makes you lie awake on your bed at night full of concern and rage? What disturbs you?

If I followed my heart and did the things I only LIKED to do, I wouldn't be in education. I would be busy drawing, fulling the desires of my soul to the max and wasting my precious life away, struggling in my own fantasies of what I think passion is all about. No. There is a different passion. A passion for God and a passion for people. If you don't have a passion for people, then work on your passion for God because all those who love God love people. Because God loves people. There is no man of God who does not have a heart for people. We cannot say we love God and have no love for people. So if you don't have love for people, dig deep in the love of God and don't give up until you find intimacy with God.

Start your journey from the heart of God. From there, you will know what to do.

Once you have touched the heart of God, then you will know the heart of God. The same thing that breaks His heart will break yours and you will know your calling. If you want to touch the heart of God, worship. For hours and days if you have to. Just don't give up. All the best.

PS: If you need anything, you know where to find me.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

I love you and I love you too

2010-04-19T13:13:00.011+08:00

The Shulamite:
I never believed in love at first sight until I met you.. As soon as I saw you, I knew what I wanted. I wished. The moment I saw you, it was as if I had known you all my life, and yet I knew that I was going to love you forever..

Little did I know how much you touched my life. Everything about you is a treasure, set apart for something special, and yet, I don't know what. Your life is a mystery. I admire you. There is nobody like you. And I know that if I were to search the world around, and turn it upside down, there will be no one, even a fraction of who you are.

The Beloved:
I wish you knew. I wish you could see what I see when I look at you. Who can believe this? That I managed to find so great a treasure? And that treasure is you.

The Shulamite:
You're amazing. Your face illuminates the sky. It's like the most precious jewel ever crafted in the hands of God, more precious than diamonds. How can something so perfect be real?

Your voice is like an angel's. I wonder why no one ever realized that before.. or is it just me? When you call my name, it is as if my dreams came true. For a second there, I gasp, almost in disbelief. It's as if it was the only thing I ever wanted.

Everyday, I wait to see your smile, and when I do, it's like I'm in a daze. In a split second, I'm 7 feet above the ground just because you smiled at me. What made you smile? When will you ever smile at me like that again? But you do it, just the same. And it makes me feel funny all over and it makes me feel like I just want to love you forever..

When you're right beside me, it's like I'm right where I belong. Time flies and before I know it, it's over... all the moments I've enjoyed.. years that seemed like days just fade away in the distance. Everything but now.. and now, if ever, I see a glimpse of you smiling at me.. you can be sure that I'm treasuring every moment of it.

You're just so pure.

I love you... ♥

The Beloved:
The love that I have for you can't be denied. There is no way I'd ever say that I don't love you because I love you.

I know all your weaknesses, but I still love you as though you didn't have any. None of it matters. You can say and do anything you want, and make all the mistakes that hurt me but I will always love you and I'm sure of that. Nothing you can do can make me love you less. Not even a single bit less.

I'm just so sure of what I want, and I know that it's you. You're all I want. There's nothing and no one else that I desire more than you.

The Shulamite:
I'd do anything for you. If I have to change every single thing about myself for you, I would. What I want, who I am. It all just doesn't matter to me anymore.

The Beloved:
And even after everything I've done for you, if you still don't love me at all, I'll still love you.

If I can paint my love for you on every sky and every mountain and on every living thing, it would be too little. I want to do so much more for you.

If I have to contain my love for you any longer, I think I'm just going to blow up. I have to tell you. Somehow.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

More quotes ^^

2010-02-13T15:39:00.004+08:00

Wisdom quotes:

There's always somebody who is less fortunate than you

No one is worth it

The person who loves God is the person who can see Him "Who is invisible" - Susan Tang

O Jesus, help me to love You more. Oh God, I just want to love You. I want to love You with all my heart, soul and spirit - Susan Tang

Cover your hurts with the language of the Spirit - Susan Tang

Seeing yourself differently and seeing yourself different from others

Loving others should be part of who I am if I am really part of who You are

You may be right but that does not give you the right to complain

Don't see yourself as who you are but who God can be in you

You can't take out and put back the cross anytime you think it is convenient for you - It's either always there or not there at all

Shower your love at the Son and you will have rainbows in the sky

God sometimes use the worst people on earth to do the greatest things. I am one of them. I think you should be proud of yourself too :)

Malaysia will be a whole lot better without the tudungs. I'm not a racist. Islam is a religion, not a race and I hope that one day all of us will remember that.

I'm learning from mistakes I haven't even made

If you take all the wisdom of the most successful people on earth and publish them in a book, it will be nothing but a book of sheer foolishness

Comparing people is like comparing the currency rate. In the end, I just won't get anything.

Don't tell your God how big your storm is but tell your storm how big your God is - John Newton

Do you have a relationship with God

The Kingdom of God's got a hold of me but I can't let it go - Brad

Men like that just appear from no where. You can't make them - they either exist or they don't.

It's how much of the Word of God that controls your life that really matters - not how much of it we know - Albert Kang

There is a huge difference between looking like people who are your age and looking your age. It's not a crime to look young.

Everyone has something really amazing about them that makes them irreplaceable. If I get to know anyone well enough, then I can see that side of them that makes people like them

When dealing with young people, we must always have a pocket full of jokes and overnight of energy =)

Wolves don't come in sheep's clothing anymore. They come in shining white armours.

Behind every man is a boy. Behind every boy is a slingshot.

I'm too much for me

It's so hard to pray against something that you know is going to happen

Unfortunately, I'm the only one :(

First comes the fire, then comes the water - Ps. Becky

It is not about the experiences that you have - it is about the attitude that you have towards them.

Wanted so much to do the right thing that she ended up doing the wrong thing

But because You gave so much that I am worth so much

Life is not about decisions. It's about obedience.

That's what Christianity is all about - the forgiveness of sins. So what's the use of a Christian who doesn't forgive? It is like salt that loses it's flavour. So have salt in yourselves and have peace with one another.

Grace is not to be understood. It is to be experienced.

Random Quotes:

Because of all the lights ^^

Senget smile is better than no smile

Curtains make a world of difference

I was in the plane so long, I actually thought the hair of the guy in front of me grew longer a bit XD

Since when was speaking in a different slang cool?
Since I learned to speak african!

A power crack woman will open the toilet door a little longer just to enjoy those few seconds when you are at her mercy.

Don't worry, I've given up trying to argue with you - Anakin to Padme

What's so prophetic about me?

All my dream undies...

Oh my goodness! My hair is so messy and I don't care!

For a moment there, I thought I saw Malaysia

We have joy, we have fun, we have children in the sun

It's not that I don't love you, it's just that I don't have enough money...

Emo Quotes:

Because when younger guys dump you, it won't hurt so much

It's just gonna be me and You again

Why must you mean so much to me

I'm so used to being hurt

When I think about him, all the other guys just fly out the window...

Part of me wants to be with you, the other part of me is totally against it

I don't understand why love is so painful and yet we still choose to love

You talk as if you want to help me but what you really want to do is to make a fool out of me and as a human being, it is quite unnatural for me to respond to that positively

I got so used to you asking me to do things for you that I forgot how to do anything for you on my own

If I love God at all, and if I love you at all, I will let you go. So goodbye... I love you.

Lost a friend that meant the world to me

Every tear I cry, You hold in Your hand - Casting Crowns

The hurts that keep me alive

Living a life of integrity is so hard. Can I give up now? My biggest threat is myself and I can't run away from me.

Friendship is about having a shoulder to cry on, but you are the one that's making me cry all the time.

Everytime I think about it, it crushes me all over again

It was fun shopping with you although we didn't but anything XD

I've loved you all these while but I have finally come to realize that I don't mean anything to you - that's why it hurts.

Personal quotes:

Anna-Grace... is trying really hard not to look at younger guys and trying really hard to get attracted to older guys, but it's just not happening =(

Anna-Grace... likes a land with more trees than people

Special Beach Edition:

Love it when the waves come crashing down onto nothing

I wish I could take the beach home with me...

Sucking in the salty air from the sea

Let the brown blend into the blue and put a blanket of white over it

Here I am standing at the beach. Shivering.

You must know when to stop surfing and get down on the board

Who is going to ride that wave?

When the waves get violent

After a while, you just stop taking pictures, sit down and watch people surfing...

Most used quote:

Thanks. I woke up like this.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

summary

2010-01-07T14:25:00.001+08:00

Since I am only taking one subject this semester (which ends on the 27th of Jan), and another one subject in the next semester (or following), I am looking for a job to gain some experience before starting my own daycare center.

My future short term plan is to work for 1 year in the education line to meet the requirements of obtaining a PR in Aussie. I still have to check with the agent to confirm if that is what I need or if I already have enough points after I finish my MEd. My long term plan for the next 10 years is to start a Christian school/campus for youth ranging from 0-21 years. I am planning to do it here in Malaysia, and make it international. I also hope this school is able to sponsor orphans and raise them up. Consequently, I want to build church through the marketplace/education.

My vision is to raise up a new generation who would sacrifice their lives to serving God in fulfilling His call for their lives in the church, nation, and the world, to plant churches, become leaders of nations, impacting nations, making a difference, and turning the hearts of those in the world back to God for the establishment of God's kingdom.

I know my vision to build a school is complicated and all, but the more people say that it is impossible, the more I know that I am on the right track and in the will of God. I know that God can use anyone. I still have a the rest of my life to get all my visions and dreams done (and more) and I am only at the beginning.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Quotes by Anna

2009-08-19T20:08:00.008+08:00

All quotes below are by me and God unless stated otherwise.. enjoy.. =)

New songs for a new season

Don't stinge on love - there will always be plenty to go around

When girls get married, they don't get what they're asking for. When guys get married, they don't know what they're asking for.

Why don't I just give You my whole life?

If you don't appreciate your marriage, you don't appreciate your family. If you don't value your husband, you don't value your children. If you don't love your husband, you don't love your children because your children are a product of your and your husband. And if you don't love your children, you don't love God because your children are a gift from God.

Can I be the one? - God

"You don't stand up to give something - you have something to give" by Pastor Nicholas Sim

So much passion, so little expression. So much love, so little opportunity.

Cultures doesn't have to be tradition and rituals doesn't have to be routine.

Not just a life worth living but a life worth dying for.

A matter of the heart.

Not because you deserve it, but because you don't.

A sanctuary is more than just a building - it is the state of the heart.

A much younger person scolded me. The awkward part was - he was right.

What's the use of knowledge without understanding, experience without maturity, words of wisdom without the substance of integrity, strong will without depth in character, godly values without godly fear, practicality without faith, and love that is conditional? You may receive honor for being older, but respect has to be earned.

I don't want to just survive - I want to achieve something with my life.

I think God is really with me.

Learning to respect people for who they are and not for what they have done.

My life is filled with pictures and dreams.

Language should be a facilitator, not a hindrance to the learning process.

Learning starts from the heart.

I don't have time to give and I don't have money to invest, but I have something that's more valuable than money and time put together - I have a vision.

When I dance, time flies.

We are all like doors. We decide what we allow to affect our lives and we decide what we do to affect others. We determine what goes in and what comes out.

Not pure because I'm undefiled, but pure because I've been defiled and washed with the blood of Jesus.

You know what's in my heart, but now I need to know what's in Yours.

The past are the seconds that are lost forever.

The future is a place I am living in but not at yet.

You may narrow my landscape, but never my vision.

Some challenges cannot be outgrown - they have to be overcome.

Others will talk. Of course. They think it is impossible.

The future has arrived. Live in the now.

Luxury is necessity.

Doing whatever I want doesn't mean that I will be rewarded with whatever I wish. In fact, doing whatever I want only results in what I don't wish.

Sometimes, I think.. Am I that hard to love? Then again, when I think about the way He died on the cross for me, how could I say that nobody ever loved me?

I'm sorry, dear.. You will never be able to satisfy me. Because I've already found my Hero.

You never know if that is what God is saying until you act upon it. - Rev. Steve Chang

We try to do things differently.

If I think that I am killing time, I am only wasting it.

Sometimes, we are too concerned and overwhelmed with the wedding that we totally ignore the Groom.

Rip my mind away, rip my heart away, and just let my spirit be.

Love people, use money. Not love money, use people. - Pastor Dexter Low

The system is the box designed by those who think outside the box for those who want to live in the box - Elijah Low

There is nothing proud about being humble.

Malaysia needs a miracle.

If someone you really respect believes in you, you will believe it - Pastor Dexter Low

The fruit of the righteous is the tree of life - Pastor Lily Low

You can't loose something you never had.

Reality doesn't exist.

Children - feels so insignificant and yet, so important.

Asking without faith is equivalent to not asking.

Naughty boys - we grow to love 'em

I am whomever I want to be - nobody can stop me

I am sorry that no matter how much I love you, I still hurt you over and over again...

Trying to give him what he wants in a way that no other girl can = insecurity

I have the perfect love Story and I don't need anyone to rewrite it, thank you

Teaching - Not giving up before they do, and not giving up after

Forgiveness - the very essence of Christianity

He didn't need to but He did

Guilt causes sin

Wash me in Your blood

Sometimes, the biggest threat to the organization are the leaders themselves

Sometimes, it is not about the cause - it is about the consequence

Even in the dark, you can see how dirty my car is..

God in place in every place

We only grow up once, so grow up well.

Because I love you

To give love is easy but to receive it is hard

Big needs give birth to big dreams. Without need, there are no dreams.

Condemning yourself is a sin

Please crush my heart into a million pieces - because at least then, it wouldn't hurt so much.

It's not about what you do - it's about who you are

When the main pillar that you think is holding you up turns to tear you apart. And you feel like there is nothing to back you. That feeling of helplessness weighs you down. And sorrow, like termites eat you up from the inside. No one hears the silent cries that echo through your sanity. Bitter loving memories collapse around you - blasting off your very essence. Fiery tears fuming with passion burn your expressionless face. When you look around, all you see are invisible doors slamming into your face continuously. Friends, are now turned enemies overnight. And then - you will remember God.

Wishes she could grasp the full understanding of Your love

LRC, if it was not for the Tuesday Night group, you would have lost your cutting edge. Your cutting edge is not in the resources or people. It is not even in the sound system. It is in prayer, worship and intercession.

Every girl has a right to fantasies. But when you have expectations and disappointments, don't blame it on him - blame it on your fantasies

Old cucumbers and egg soup is a match made in heaven ^^

All my prophecies until today will be fulfilled in this time and this season.

It's all in the details

Anna-Grace taglines...

Anna-Grace loves causing trouble in Sunday Schools.

Anna-Grace feels so loved and loves so much.

Anna-Grace has just come to realize the significance of money =.=

Anna-Grace loves watching sparrows sand bathing.

Anna-Grace loves her little bedroom lamp :)

Anna-Grace is in love.. with small little red tomatoes

Anna-Grace doesn't belong to you.

Anna-Grace is wanted so much by God.

Anna-Grace does whatever God wants her to do - or at least she tries.

Anna-Grace plus God is a complete entity - Pastor Nicholas Sim

Anna-Grace loves opening durians :)

Anna-Grace just realized how pathetic she is at lying.

Anna-Grace just realized how little one whole chicken can be.

Anna-Grace loves to hug and kiss certain people.

Anna-Grace is guilt intolerant.

Anna-Grace is fully dependent on God's love.

Anna-Grace is just waiting around for it.

Anna-Grace likes old ladies..

Anna-Grace is so in love with her

Anna-Grace haven't slept with the light off in ages

Anna-Grace loves 4 in the mornings =)

Anna-Grace just realized how frustrating relying on other people can be.

Anna-Grace is so sick of food

Anna-Grace has a thing for home-cooked food

Anna-Grace's hobby is collecting hugs

Anna-Grace misses heaven...

What you are is God's gift to you. What you make of yourself is your gift back to God - Kelly Jeppesen

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Stumbles

2009-08-19T19:58:00.003+08:00

I was reading the newspaper, when I stumbled upon this poem:

"I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree...
A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in Summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives iwth rain.
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree."

by Joyce Kilmer

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Victor Ooi

2009-06-26T12:10:00.004+08:00

Ephesians 2:8, 9

⁸ For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God,
⁹ not of works, lest anyone should boast.

Titus 3:5
⁵ not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us, through the washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Spirit,

2 Cor 6:16-18

¹⁶ And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the living God. As God has said:

“ I will dwell in them
And walk among them.
I will be their God,
And they shall be My people.”

¹⁷ Therefore

“ Come out from among them
And be separate, says the Lord.
Do not touch what is unclean,
And I will receive you.”
¹⁸ “ I will be a Father to you,
And you shall be My sons and daughters,
Says the LORD Almighty.”

If you have worries and anxieties:

Philippians 4:6-7 (New King James Version)

⁶ Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; ⁷ and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Psalm 9:9 (New King James Version)

⁹ The LORD also will be a refuge for the oppressed,
A refuge in times of trouble.

Psalm 32:7 (New King James Version)

⁷ You are my hiding place;
You shall preserve me from trouble;
You shall surround me with songs of deliverance. Selah

2 Corinthians 4:8-9 (New King James Version)

⁸ We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹ persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed—

Romans 8:28 (New King James Version)

²⁸ And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

1 Peter 5:7 (New King James Version)

⁷ casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

If you need wisdom, read:

Psalm 32:8 (New King James Version)

⁸ I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will guide you with My eye.

James 1:5 (New King James Version)

⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.

i will give you the rest.. coming soon.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

If you are only 7

2009-06-19T22:12:00.000+08:00

One night, when I was 7, I lay awake on my bed and I felt very strongly to give my whole life to God, for the use of His Kingdom and His ministry. I told God that I would give my whole life, and I would do anything for Him. I just wanted to give Him everything. As my parents were pastors, I told God that I wanted to go all over the world, like them. I wanted to do whatever it was I had to do to bring the world back to Him.

But then, I realized that I only had one life to live, and with my one life, how was I going to touch the whole world? I have seen so many missionaries give their lives to God, but until today, all they have touched are only a couple of hundred lives. There is nothing wrong with that, but I was not satisfied with just a couple of hundred lives - what about the rest? - I wanted to touch the world. Then, I believe, God, showed me that it was possible. If I had the vision to touch the whole world, and all I did was to touch a couple of million lives, then surely the one who influenced me to do it has indirectly been used by God to touch those millions of lives. And if that was so, what if I instead influenced millions of people to be just like me - to impact another few million lives? Wouldn't that mean that those millions have duplicated itself? And what if this duplication went on and on until Jesus came back? Yes, I can impact the world. I can.

But do people believe that I can? I am only one person and I am only 7. Then, I told myself that nobody could tell me that I am just one person and that I cannot do it. Bill Gates changed the world. The president of the United States changed the world. Who can tell me that I cannot impact the world like they have? And on what basis? I told myself that I was only 7 - I had my whole life ahead of me. Who can tell me what I can be or what I couldn't be? Who can predict my future? I could be anyone. When Bill Gates was 7, no one could predict his future either. I could be anything God intended me to be. God can use me to bring this world back to Him. He WANTS to use me. And I would not let anything or anyone stop me... This is my story.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

prophecy

2009-06-01T13:03:00.003+08:00

I am going to give you a new system. A new system for the church. And many people will come and be blessed. And they will see the light that is shining in their hearts.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am going to show you the destiny of youth.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Dancing and soaking in the sun

2009-05-02T13:39:00.000+08:00

Psalms 37:4
Delight yourself also in the Lord,
And He will give you the desires of your heart.

Sometimes, we see the things we don’t have instead of what we have in us. Sometimes, we just want so many things out there. We want this and that and this and that. But if everything is taken away from you and all you have is God, and you don’t ask for anything more because you are satisfied with just being in God, then God will give you all those things that are in your heart.

The dictionary meaning of 'delight' is 'extreme satisfaction'. Imagine this little girl who is delighted with being in the sun. Normally, we think that kids would prefer all sorts of other things like toys and games, but this little girl was different. Her mother would ask her to come into the house, but all she wants to do is to spend her whole day, dancing in the sun.

The sun makes her world a better place. When you are with God and when God shines on everything you do, God makes your world a better place. You can see everything around you – they look so much more beautiful now when God shines on them than before. Before this, from your eyes, all you see is ugliness. All you saw was hopelessness and failure. But in God's light, God causes you to see success and a future.

Secondly, when this little girl is in the sun, she is a whole new person. Similarly. when you are in God's presence, not only do the things around you change, but you also change. You change to be a person full of life – you have energy. You are happy, You dance. You are who you are in God. You are confident, You are not afraid of your circumstances and the endless negative outcomes. You have all the boldness and courage you need to face the challenges that are in front of you.

When we are in God's presence, we will not bother about what others think. We just do whatever we want to do. You can be yourself and yet be satisfied with who you are. You don’t have to be what other people wants you to be when you are in God's presence.

Besides that, when this girl in in the sun, nothing else matters to her. The same goes with you: when you are with God, nothing else matters. This morning, I was so upset about everything. I felt like everything is hopeless and a failure – who I am is a failure, what I want to do with my life is a failure, what I have done is a failure. But after I read this verse, it all fades away. Suddenly, nothing else matters but God. Suddenly, all my cares and worries just fades away. And I realize that this world is not about me and them but it is about me and God. And that’s all that matters.

Not only that, but if this girl was locked up in the house all the time instead of in the sun, her world would be so small. Out there in the sun, our world is open to so many things. But in the house, everything is cluttered and our world is only so small. All we think about is ourselves: our problems, and our sorrows, our failures and our hopelessness. But out there, in God's light, everything around us illuminates. We can see the whole world. We see the joy of being God's child.

When she is in the house, she can have happiness, but she cannot have joy. She can have light, but it is not sunlight. All the things you enjoy without God can only bring happiness for a glimpse moment, but it can never be joy. We will never be satisfied. We will always have that emptiness and loneliness and hopelessness in us. Nothing can replace the joy of being with God.

When she is in the sun, it seems like timeless time. When we are with God, time is bogus. It is timeless time. It is a second and a day. It is a day and a year. It is a year and a millennium. There is no difference in time.

It is obvious that this girl is a person who wants to be free. When we are out there, we can be free. We can do anything. We have everything. There are no limits and no bounds. Everything is possible. Nothing will be able to contain the joy we have inside us. Nothing can separate us from God's love – no height nor depth, nor principalities nor powers, nor things in the past, nor things present, nor things to come. We can go all out for God when we are in His presence, and nothing can stop us. We are free.

When this little girl is in the sun, she is alone. So what if we are alone? It is great to be alone. Because we are not alone, but we are with God. Being in His presence alone is one of the most refreshing gifts to ask for. Here, God will reveal to you everything that is personal and meaningful to you.

Well, how does she delight in the sun? She soaks herself in the sun. We just want to be totally soaked in God. We just want more and more of God. And we can never have too much of Him.

What is the sun? It is something that causes her to grow. We are living organisms. And all living things need the sun to grow – including us. And if we have the sun, it is only right that we grow. How can we have the sun and yet not grow? If you are in God's presence, soaking every day and you still don’t grow spiritually, then it can only mean that you are not living – which means that.. you are dead. Spiritually dead. Everyone who hears God's word and soaks in God's presence has to grow. And if they are not growing, then they are spiritually dead.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Stuff to Thank God for:

2009-04-29T00:03:00.003+08:00

I lost : My watch! I lost it! My lovely lovely watch.. given by my godparents just before I went to Aussie.. lost it on Saturday, found it on Tuesday.
Days of agony: 3 days
I found it on the floor at a part of my room I did not go to during these 3 days, so I have no idea at all how it got there!! But I was praying so hard.. so so so hard.. and I kept thinking about it until like.. distract me from my work everything I worry about it.. so, THANK YOU GOD!!!

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Why I am doing what I am doing

2009-04-10T11:20:00.003+08:00

One of the reasons why I am doing what I am doing is because I like working with You. I don’t want to do some secular job outside because I don’t feel a sense of achievement and accomplishment. I feel like I am not making a difference. I feel like I am not contributing to Your vision and Your plan. I feel like I am wasting my life away.

But by doing something that is in my heart to do, I feel that I am pleasing You. Because the same things that is in my heart to do is in Yours. You created me. My visions, my desires and my dreams all come from You. The fruit doesn’t fall very far from the tree. I am just a mini version of You.

When I do something that is in Your heart to do at the right time, You can trust me to do bigger things and greater things. It is just like the story of the minas. Soon, I will be doing greater and more things than before. This is how I grow in the ministry.

I am an encouragement. When You see me working alongside with You, You move more. Then I see You working more as well. Then I see things began to move and everything falls into place suddenly, it’s like a miracle. When I work, I encourage You. And when I encourage You, You work. And when You work, You encourage me. And when You encourage me, I work. It is like a cycle. I like that.

Some people are like that. They are a part of the problem instead of part of the solution. The last guy who hid his mina was part of the problem and had to be settled later. I don’t want to be a hassle. I don’t want to create trouble. I want to be part of the solution, so please let me know what to do so that I will do the right thing. But sometimes, I make mistakes. I thought it is the right thing, but it isn’t and it becomes a problem. But in the end, You will make everything well because You are always in control. I have nothing to worry about. You are greater than my mistakes.

When You have something big coming up, preparing is a big thing as well. Big things require lots of preparation and lots of work. When there is a lot of work, I know that something big is cooking. Right now, there is so much work to do. I don’t even know where to start anymore, but all I know is that the time is now and I have to work hard.

I don’t have to do something out of this world. I don’t have to do something so big and so grand that no one else can do. Sometimes, it is the small things that are left undone. I can serve You by doing those small things and You will still be equally pleased with me. I have to be faithful in both the little things and the big.

You wouldn’t ask me to do something that is beyond me. You might ask me to do something tough, but that is only because I am tough. You wouldn’t ask me to do something that is too big for me. Everything that I do, has already been taught. I know how to do it and I can. Whenever I think it is too big for me, think again.

Ultimately, You are my role model. You are who I want to be like, and is created like. You created me in Your image and all I ever want to be is You. My desires are shaped by You, everything I know how to do today is taught by You and all I can ever produce with my life is for You. My whole life belongs to You.

The Time is Now

This is my one thing. I know it. This is it. It is exactly what I want. This is my moment. Others will talk. Of course. They think it is impossible.

It is a new world. This is the beginning of new things. Everything done here is unthought of. There is a first time for everything. If I don’t rise up and get it done with, I would have to do it later anyway. I might as well go through with it and get it over with.

I can’t live my life in the ‘I will’s anymore. It is time for the ‘I AM’s. I have always said like – next time, I will do it. I will do that. I want to start a school. I want to. Now, it is time to say, “I am running a school.”

The whole time, everything I did was for the future. My whole life was living in a pre-school era. I was so much into the next time, I never really lived. But now I am in a place where the future has arrived and I have to live in the now.

It is a decision. This is something I have to choose. This is something I have to stand up for. This is something that I have to make as my will and stick to. This is something I have to believe in and carry out. This is something I have to do because it is my choice. I want to do it now.

First, I have to understand why people are telling me that I can’t do it: because they never did jump over. And because THEY never jumped over, doesn’t prove anything. They never did is one thing. But they never even TRIED. They have no right to say it is impossible if they have never tried. And I have no right to believe their words if I myself haven’t proven them right. If I want to believe them, I would first have to prove them right. Otherwise, they are wrong. It IS possible.

A fence is something made for the purpose of keeping me in. It’s only objective is to keep me in. And my only dealings with the fence is to overcome it. That is my only duty regarding the fence.

One of the books I read was called Children of the Voice. His first mission was his most important mission. And that mission was to go out there, to pass through the wall, out of his land into the BigWideWorld. This is where I am at. This is the first chapter. If I don’t make it, there will be no rest of the story. Others have already gone before me. Now is my time. I may be the youngest who has ever gone out yet. But there will be more after me. This is important. This is my first challenge and my biggest challenge. After this, everything will be clearer for me. Every other challenge would be nothing like this one. Here is where I get the blueprint that will help me face all the other challenges. I need to hear Your voice.

The biggest challenges I have are the people around me. They have watched me grow up. They may or may not have any respect for me. They may or may not believe in me. But I will be leaving them behind. They are just people. They cannot stop me. They can say whatever they want to say, and believe whatever they want. But they cannot stop me. And nothing they say will be able to stop me. I am to ignore their sharp thoughts and their sharp words.

If I want to sit down and stay put on this side of the fence, I will never be satisfied. The earlier I raise my butt and get across the better. I will never be at peace or at rest on this side of the fence because I was not made to sit on this side of the fence. I was made to move my butt, stand up and cross over. I was made to cross the fence. My life beyond the fence awaits me. My promise land – my dreams and my visions.

There is a first time for everything. I am scared because this is something I have never done before. But it is just one of those things which I have never experienced, and never done before. One of those first time things.

The Past... again

sometimes, the only way to deal with the present is to remember the past and to deal with it. i am who i am today because of what happened to me. if i want to overcome the challenges that are ahead of me, i have to deal with my past.

i need to understand what happened to me and how. i need to come to terms with it. i need to process it and forgive those that has hurt me in the past. i need to understand what they have been going through at that time. only when i try to understand and forgive them that i can change my attitude and who i am today to be a better person and to be who i am supposed to be.

the thing about me is that i know i am different from others - i just dont know why. other people dont understand what i have gone through in the past because they have never been there. i am the only one who knows what i have been through and i am the only one who can understand the situation properly and understand myself.

but if i dont even understand myself then how is anyone else going to?

it hurts. sometimes, i dont want to think about the past because it hurts. but i have to, eventhough it hurts.

most of the time, when i think about the past, i wouldn't know what to do with it or how to deal with it. i think and think and think but all it does is hurt. it doesnt seem to help. thats when i have to see it from a different light - a different point of view. i have to see it from all perspectives - mine, those involved and Yours. i also have to see it from the devil's perspective to see how he has taken opportunity of that situation to destroy my life and my future.

i need a place i can just spend hours thinking without anyone disturbing me. i need a place where i can be alone.

a good time to think about it is when i find myself doing something that i dont understand. sometimes, when i do certain things that i myself don't understand, i have to wonder why i behaved the way i behaved by thinking about the past. i have to find a way to link this to the past so that i understand why i screwed up and repair the damage.

if i try to ignore the past and avoid it, it won't change anything. i will still be the rotten person i am today with all my bad habits. not thinking about the past is not the solution. forgetting the past is not dealing with it and i won't benefit from avoiding the past. yes, i need to forget what lies behind but the only way to forget it is to deal with it. and some experiences, time just won't heal.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

treasures

2009-03-22T18:21:00.001+08:00

Matt 6:19-21

¹⁹ “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; ²⁰ but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. ²¹ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Luke 12:34

³² “Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. ³³ Sell what you have and give alms; provide yourselves money bags which do not grow old, a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches nor moth destroys. ³⁴ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Riches

2009-02-23T17:27:00.005+08:00

Lately, I've been receiving lots of verses that riches are not forever and that I shouldn't pursue after riches but after the will of God and God's business.

23 Feb 09 - Ezekiel 27:27

²⁷ “Your riches, wares, and merchandise,

Your mariners and pilots,

Your caulkers and merchandisers,

All your men of war who are in you,

And the entire company which is in your midst,

Will fall into the midst of the seas on the day of your ruin.

22 Feb 09 - Matthew 6:19

19 “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; ²⁰ but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. ²¹ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

20 Feb 09 - 2 Timothy 2:4

4 No one engaged in warfare entangles himself with the affairs of this life, that he may please him who enlisted him as a soldier.

18 Feb 09 - 1 John 2:15

¹⁵ Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. ¹⁶ For all that is in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—is not of the Father but is of the world. ¹⁷ And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever.

15 Feb 09 - Psalms 62

¹⁰ Do not trust in oppression,

Nor vainly hope in robbery;

If riches increase,

Do not set your heart on them.

9 Feb 09 - Luke 2:49

49 And He said to them, “Why did you seek Me? Did you not know that I must be about My Father’s business?”

30 Jan 09 - 1 Peter 4:1-2, 19

Therefore, since Christ suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same mind, for he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, ² that he no longer should live the rest of his time in the flesh for the lusts of men, but for the will of God.
19 Therefore let those who suffer according to the will of God commit their souls to Him in doing good, as to a faithful Creator.

22 Jan 09 - Proverbs 28

6 Better is the poor who walks in his integrity
Than one perverse in his ways, though he be rich.

8 One who increases his possessions by usury and extortion
Gathers it for him who will pity the poor.

11 The rich man is wise in his own eyes,
But the poor who has understanding searches him out.

20 A faithful man will abound with blessings,
But he who hastens to be rich will not go unpunished.
21 To show partiality is not good,
Because for a piece of bread a man will transgress.
22 A man with an evil eye hastens after riches,
And does not consider that poverty will come upon him.

27 He who gives to the poor will not lack,
But he who hides his eyes will have many curses.

15 Jan 09 - Luke 12

15 And He said to them, “Take heed and beware of covetousness, for one’s life does not consist in the abundance of the things he possesses.”
16 Then He spoke a parable to them, saying: “The ground of a certain rich man yielded plentifully. 17 And he thought within himself, saying, ‘What shall I do, since I have no room to store my crops?’ 18 So he said, ‘I will do this: I will pull down my barns and build greater, and there I will store all my crops and my goods. 19 And I will say to my soul, “Soul, you have many goods laid up for many years; take your ease; eat, drink, and be merry.” ’ 20 But God said to him, ‘Fool! This night your soul will be required of you; then whose will those things be which you have provided?’
21 “So is he who lays up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God.”

22 Then He said to His disciples, “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; nor about the body, what you will put on. 23 Life is more than food, and the body is more than clothing. 24 Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap, which have neither storehouse nor barn; and God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds? 25 And which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? 26 If you then are not able to do the least, why are you anxious for the rest? 27 Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 28 If then God so clothes the grass, which today is in the field and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will He clothe you, O you of little faith?
29 “And do not seek what you should eat or what you should drink, nor have an anxious mind. 30 For all these things the nations of the world seek after, and your Father knows that you need these things. 31 But seek the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you.
32 “Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. 33 Sell what you have and give alms; provide yourselves money bags which do not grow old, a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches nor moth destroys. 34 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

14 Jan 09 - Psalms 62:10

¹⁰ Do not trust in oppression,

Nor vainly hope in robbery;

If riches increase,

Do not set your heart on them.
(repeated)

12 Jan 09 - Psalms 62

¹⁰ Do not trust in oppression,

Nor vainly hope in robbery;

If riches increase,

Do not set your heart on them.
(repeated)

5 Jan 09 - James 1:11

For no sooner has the sun risen with a burning heat than it withers the grass; its flower falls, and its beautiful appearance perishes. So the rich man also will fade away in his pursuits.

16 Nov 08 - 2 Kings 12:9

9 Then Jehoiada the priest took a chest, bored a hole in its lid, and set it beside the altar, on the right side as one comes into the house of the Lord; and the priests who kept the door put there all the money brought into the house of the Lord.

I wonder what all these means, maybe God is saying that I should help the poor.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

why I'm still a Malaysian

2009-02-21T20:45:00.003+08:00

This is who I am, and this is what I do.

Many people wonder why I came back and don't plan to get a PR in Australia anymore. Australia has so many benefits and privileges - shorter working hours, better pay, good weather, higher quality of life, and the list goes on.

Well, this is why I'm still a Malaysian, and will be for a long time:

because Malaysia needs my help

I feel like my country needs my help. This is why I came back – because this is a third world country. I see Australians leaving Australia to help third world countries which they have no relations with, whom they don’t owe anything to, and here I am, going to Australia, leaving behind my country who needs my help, where I grew up and am familiar with, which I call my homecountry.

I went there because Australia could do a lot for me both financially and educationally, but why haven’t I thought about what I can do for my country instead? Malaysia needs my help. Really needs it.

When I went to Australia, I thought like.. "who cares about this darn country? Why should I give anything back to a country who doesn’t even appreciate its Chinese citizens like me? Why should I bother about a country who doesn’t bother about me?" When one of my friends asked me, "if everyone leaves this country, then who will stay to hold the fort?" I just replied, "Who cares about holding the fort?"

But I can change all that. I can change Malaysia. I can make a difference. This country doesn’t have to be a racist country. This country doesn’t have to treat its citizens unfairly. This country could be a great country to live in, but with my help.

because i saw the need

Those who don’t see the need are not obligated to help, but those who can see the need. And I can see it clearly. For me, I see it in many places, but what hits me in my heart is the education system. I saw the need when I was in it and I still see the need when I am already out of it.

because I can be an encouragement

Okay, let’s say I saw the need but didn’t have much to contribute. It doesn’t matter. I could be an encouragement to someone who DOES have something to contribute, who just needs a little encouragement.

I have to admit that making this decision was hard. Nevertheless, when I saw those who had the opportunity like me, to migrate but chose not to because they wanted to 'hold the fort', it was really an encouragement. And every now and then, it is as if I hear them say, "Malaysia has hope. Let's make a difference"

because I'm confident that I could make a difference

But I know that I can make a difference. It is that mindset that makes me think that I am not good enough, let someone else do it. But all the good people have already left. I have what I have and I am here. And I'm going to make full use of it.

Secondly, if I don’t have confidence in myself, I wouldn’t have the motivation that I need to carry it out even if my heart was set on it. I need to be confident that I have something to give. If not, I wouldn't even bother trying.

because there is Someone who could do it alone but chose not to

Helping this country is helping God. It is helping God make this country into the country He want it to be. He can do it alone, and He actually doesn't need my help. But God choose to work with me because that’s the way He prefers to do things. Life is all about having a relationship with God and He wants to do this but He wants us to do it together with him.

I'm sure all of you who have girlfriends would understand this - they want to go out, but they want you to come along because it is all about spending time with you. What's the point of going out alone? No, God doesn't want to do it alone. If God wanted to do everything alone, then what are humans created for? What is this relationship for? We were created so that God wouldn't have to spend eternity alone but with us. We were created so that God won't be lonely. So we must stop neglecting Him - it's making Him really lonely.

because I want to do something that was in God’s heart to do and according to ‘God's plan’

God has a plan – a blueprint for this country. God has something that is in His heart for this country, and I need to find out what it is and carry it out. I talk and sing so much about "doing God's will" but here's where I have to make it real.

because I've realized who I am and I've learned to take up responsibility in the country

I need to know who I am. I am a Malaysian and this is what I do - I need to take up responsibility in this country. I've had enough of denying who I am for who I could become if I took that PR. Enough for the past 1 year.

because this is my country and this is where I belong

This is my country. This is where I belong. I don’t belong anywhere else and that's a fact.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

discouragement vs dreams

2009-02-09T18:33:00.000+08:00

In this race for time and resources, the feeling of giving up seems inevitable. And the further I go, the stronger the feeling of giving up gets. I think it's discouragement from the devil. It's like the kind of discouragement that Elijah had from Jezebel. It's just when he was about to win the war then this feeling comes and stirs up such emotion that I just feel like I want to drop the whole thing entirely. After graduating from my degree program, the scarce monetary resources available to me prevents my energy from realizing it's true potential. Something this small appears like a huge boulder that is impossible to remove. But all I need is a lever and a little strength to get the ball rolling.

It's nothing but this feelings. I get so hooked on my feelings sometimes. It's like nicotine. It makes me hallucinate in thirst for a lift into a mere fantasy- the perception that life would be easier without drive and force. That the grass is greener on the other side. That I could live my life as a simple being and forget about this ambition, this dream that seems to be directing me to a monetary dead end.

It is so untrue. On the other side, there is no grass. There are no dreams. There are no winners. On the other side, is a bare, dry, empty land, with not a pebble even, in sight. And that land stretches on and on with nothing but barren emptiness and space. Whatever I saw from that other side of the fence was merely a hallucination. And if I don't realize that now, I would be giving up everything for nothing. That's what nicotine does. That's what the feeling of giving up does - it causes hallucinations and the blurriness of one's eyesight. The enemy to the advancement of all human race: to accept life as what they perceive it is. The strive to be comfortable in a barren land, catalyzed by lies that on the other side of their fence is an empty space, where the reverse is true. A place never ventured can only be reached through the perception of another individual- and whatever they perceive of it is whatever it is believed to be. But the source of that perception is unknown, for it could have been mere illusion to begin with. This conceptualizes the final theory that a place never ventured can only be reached through illusion.

Okay, so I was being poetic and metaphoric but that paints the picture of what the feeling of giving up does to destroy my dreams. And because it is so dangerous, I must not feed that feeling. Because today I was just letting myself into hallucinating again and believing that life would be easy for me if I just dropped the whole idea of educational studies and be a pastor on the mission field or a housewife. I can't let go of those hallucinations: that the grass is greener on the other side. I thought I would have more vision there and more enthusiasm for my work. The reverse is true. A place never ventured can only be reached through illusion.

*taken from devo 29th Aug 08

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Chinese New Year 2009

2009-02-02T16:36:00.012+08:00

Hahahha.. Happy Chinese New Year! Gong Xi Fa Chai... :)

I spent the whole Chinese New Year eating junk food!!!! Biscuits, 'love letters' (its like chinese pan cake), and then in Malaysia, we have something called the 'Yin Sang'. It's this traditional colourful mixture of crackers, sweet stuff, salmon, ginger.. (kind of weird mixture, actually) and we mix it with the chopsticks - everyone mix at the same time. Hahah.. it's a Malaysian Chinese thing. I heard they just introduced that in Hong Kong.

CNY is kinda weird, though.. without ebbie and Joey.. hmm.. anyway, morning breakfast was at 9am.. I woke up at 8.30.. wake up so early then whole day nothing to do.. LOL.

We started off First Day Morning with Dad's cooking - Western Breakfast. Hahaha.. no, you wouldn't dare imagine that for Chinese New Year!

We had German Sausages, scrambled eggs, hash brown, bulls eye, ham, bacon.. needless to say the rest. Kinda looks like red meat, no? But it was nice! Whatd'you expect? It's dad's cooking!!!

After that, they played the Wii.. but Jie and I spent time chatting and munching while watching some really weird chinese show on tv. It's like they kept cutting it! And the girl said something like.. "Who wants to see me take off my clothes? If you want me to take off my clothes, kill the king!!!!" Swt, la.. really.. And after that I was like.. this NTV7.. useless, la.. keep cutting.. suddenly here then suddenly there... no need war, the fight ended de.

Then we played the strategy game.. I Won the first round!! And then the next day, I won another 3 times ^^ And we played again and again until like 3am.. hahahahahahahah

The second day only I visited my godparents.. haha.. and you know what? This year, I discovered from them... SHANDY! ahahha.. nice!!! Yes, I've never drank shandy before this! NO KIDDING

I had lots of Ang Pao's too.. but I realized that the older I get, the less angpaos.. :( I only collected 2 Ang Pao's from church this year! That's the lowest collection I've had ever!! Oh, and you know what? The best Ang Pao packets are Mecca's. On the left is last years'. This years one was similar (on the right). That time I ask Aunty Paulyn to help me take some from McDs because she works there.. mana tau, she came back with like 50 Packets or so.. LOL! And the whole CNY, I only got 1.. how sad..

Oh, forgot to say - first day of CNY.. sick! Yea.. woke up too early.. caught a cold. You know it was soooo cold here? Air cond, mah.. like all of you balik kampung hot hot, meh? No la.. where got? Here shivering cold.

Oh, and you recognize this? Maybe the really old people would! This was what gas drinks were before Can Drinks came out - they were all in bottles! Puny bottles!!! And YES, there IS gas still inside! If anyone wants to buy from me, please place your order! ;) It's only RM1.50 each!!! Ahahah... And you can keep the glass.. but if you wanna give the glass back, I can give you back 20cents! ^^ Theres Ice Cream Soda, Sarsi and Ginger Beer! But order must be minimum 20 bottles :)

Oh, and Mom, Andrew and I made Chocolate Brownies for CNY! ahaha.. tasted so nice^^ And we played Congkak, the wooden stacko thingy and Dominos. Andrew and I also went CNY shopping.. or rather.. I.. LOL.. he bought his short pants and I bought a RM29 blouse which was so NOT red. It was like.. pale yellow.. but the material so nice and then I needed Andrew to teach me how to wear it (dont ask!) I was like *opens changing room door* "I DONT KNOW HOW TO WEAR!!!" and then he was like.. "errrrrrrrrrr..." *triple swt*

Caleb's Mom made a lot of CNY cookies and tit bits! Hahaha.. we were sharing biscuits in church!

As you know.. I'm back in Malaysia and I don't think I would be getting a PR in Australia anymore. I think I'll settle here. My parents just flew to Australia again this morning to pay a visit to Ebbie. Debbie is here with me in Malaysia with her whole family. They aren't planning to get a PR in Australia either.

Life here is good. I miss my friends and family here. I'm currently working part-time at my mom's Educenter and studying a short course part time to get the licensing to open a day care center here. Hopefully, when I finish this short course, I can continue my Master's in Education.

Talking about my master's program, I just got my results not too long ago :) I had 2As and 1B.. hehe.. 3 subjects altogether! It is the first time I scored so well. I got 75 for my B. That's almost an A!! haha.. I think Education is really meant for me because I've never gotten 70 or above for anything when I did my business degree here. Glory be to God!

PS: And you know what? the only person who wore red in my family was me.. shhhhHHH...

Looking forward to seeing you with kids,
Anna

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Eagles Ranch Resort

2009-01-03T16:53:00.020+08:00

Ah.. just back from a family trip with.. my family la, of course! We went to Eagle Ranch Resort. Not bad for a budget resort! The price: very affordable.. if you're planning a budget church camp in Malaysia, not too far from KL, I would DEFINITELY recommend this as a first choice. It's much better than Golden Sands or anything along that line.

Location: Port Dickson
Lodging: 'Kampung Houses', Log Cabins, Tepees, Dorms, Banwagons, Chalets, Tents even.. etc.
Price: Between RM10-170 a night.

The tents are RM10, the Kampung Houses are RM170, the Tepees about RM88, dorms RM23 a night respectively. You can choose according to your budget. There's plenty more. Check out their Webbie: www.eagleranch.com.my

Oh.. before I start anything.. do you know that there is Wireless internet connection at the reception for FREE? ahah... so much for 'budget resort'.. it's not bad actually.. here's a peek of the reception..

So here's some pics I took. We had 30% off, so it was even cheaper than it looks. Oh, yea... and we stayed in the Tepees.. real cute! ^^

Don't get worried so fast, la! It's air cond inside!! See the pic? I love the lights, la.. real macho.. i tell you.. the aircond Vic on was so cold.. i hid in the toilet from 1.30 - 4.30 am (3 hours) because he slept without the blanket like he was so hot, so i dare not increase the temperature..

Oh, and at nights, it's real cold outside.. like in the morning, it was even colder than the bedroom, so in the end I decided to go back into the room and sleep at 4 something.

Ahah.. the tepee toilets are.. worth the experience.. =) I'm just wondering if I should spoil the fun.. oh well.. I guess not, but if you really wanna know more about the tepees, you can email me.

Oh, and if you're interested in the tepees, there are about 15 of 'em, each has a double bed for two people, but every extra mattress at ERR is RM10, so you can fit like 2 mattresses inside.

If you actually book all the tepees for church camp or something, I think you can like have activities in the middle of 'em because its all grass: there's like 2 bbq pits on each end and a pole in the middle and. I think they even have special group activities if you want too. Here's a pic of one of the bbq areas with sink and worktop^^

Kampung Houses were just beside the tepees, so I managed to get a few shots at it! And no, unfortunately, we aren't allowed to fish in the lake here.. awh... if not, I'd definitely rate the Kampung Houses 5-stars.. I heard there is 4 rooms in one house, though.. and each room only has a double bed.. but like I said, each extra mattress is only RM10 a night =) I thought it'd be cool to see people canoing around the house, don't you think? it's more expensive than the tepees too.. but I net they have better toilets^^

Oh, well if it wasn't for the Kampung Houses, I'd think I was in U.S by then.. hahah.. the ambience.. oh.. the ambience.. ^^

Everything at ERR is about red indians and cowboys - that's the theme,.. so there's plenty of 'ambience' here.. ahah.. i love the ambience la..

i think most of the deco are imported and sponsored by Jack Daniels or something like that..

anyway, here's something that's not imported but took creativity to do it! =) My mom and I liked that part.. here it is!

The hooks on the doors - yes! ahah.. love 'em.. just that my clothes fell down couple of times.. just wished it was a little more bended like hook, that's all.. but it was very creative. I really respect the person who owns this place: it took a lot of vision to do this - Vision and Creativity. Seriously.. every architecture has it's uniqueness. I've never seen anything like it. He really must've a mind of a kid to imagine all this.

Oh, and there's a beach nearby, but we aren't allowed to go there because of the jelly fish! Yikes.. so.. I'm so sorry to tell you that the beach is for viewing purposes only.. double awhh.. I guess if we stay on the sand, it's safe!

Ah! And yess.. the eating place.. Here's a pic of mum at the Watering Hoe.. I meant Hole.. and there's the... Melting Pot to go to. The Melting Pot I heard is actually a meeting place to hold meetings or something like that. So we just go there to eat breakfast. It isn't a restaurant or anything. And then you have the archades and pool tables.

Archades are like 40cents per game or something, but those are the lowlights la.. the highlights are the horses, canoing, flying fox, night walk and blah blah blah..

Night Walk is RM10 but nuhh.. didn't go for that one.. Instead, we took a 1 hour drive to Seremban for dinner, to meet up with Vincent and Uncle Philip who invited us to this amazing seafood restaurant!

We had Nestum Crab (pic) and Salted Egg Crab and Butter Prawns.. awh.. so hungry now! The Salted Egg crab was my personal fav. Elijah preferred that too...oh oh oh! And musn't forget! The Salmon Curry! Yummy! So sorry no pics of that!!

We had lunch at the seaside - about an hours drive from ERR.. not bad la the view.. but a bit pricey.. it was just at the seaside! i saw a run-down kindergarten just at the rocks there.. oh.. how i wish i could own it! i always wanted a kindie at the beach, on the rocks!!!

And for both the lunches, we had coconuts - yay! The first lunch, the coconuts were white because they were skinned and kept in the fridge with you know - that white bubble plastic thing on top.. I used to think it was nice and cute but then I realize now that the green ones taste so much nicer because they're extremely freshly cut.. in the end, for both lunches the whole world had to wait for me to finish my coconut.. oh you know what? I'm really good at taking out the flesh! I can scrape so well that the whole thing comes out in one piece.. no kidding! ;)

The next lunch we had, was in another place in the middle of no where with just as much coconuts and food but no seaside.. The bill was about 170 less!

Till the next blogpost.. tata~

God sees the heart

2008-11-17T12:58:00.000+08:00

What is inside can be seen from the outside. Yes, sometimes I thought that ultimately, You look at the heart and that only You know what is in my heart. But sometimes, what is in my heart comes out. It manifests itself through my words and through my actions. And it isn't that hard sometimes to see what is in a persons' heart. You said, "by their fruits, you shall know them" and "out of the abundance of his heart a man speaks" and "it is not what goes into a man that defiles a man, but what comes out of him. For out of the heart of man comes evil desires". In the end, it can be seen from the outside. And the only way I can fix my problems with myself is by first dealing with my heart. When I can deal with that part, that is the most valuable and most important part, then my actions and my words will follow suit.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

the fear of discouragement

2008-11-08T20:38:00.002+08:00

They keep telling me that I don't know what I am doing. That I'm too young.. that I'm inexperienced. What do I fear? What is it I am so afraid of when people ask me what my dream is and how I plan to get there? You really wanna know? It's discouragement. I've had more people telling me that I'm too fresh to know anything than there are people telling me that I'm doing the right thing.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

My loneliness is killing me.. I must confess.. I still believe

2008-11-08T14:09:00.003+08:00

Back in Malaysia de.. yay... byebye aussie.. >.<

Oh well.. somethings happened.. I've spent too much time over at my godparents place. It made me really think.. like.. why did I spend so much time there.. I've realized a few things.. Firstly,.. I go there because I'm lonely. And being with Andrew really makes me 'unlonely'.. because I really have fun hanging out with him.. he keeps me company and makes me happy. What are friends for, right? For company, I guess.. I guess that's why people want to get married.. because they're lonely. I guess I do need a boyfriend.. or husband.. or something.. someone to keep me sane.

XiYing is good to hang out with too.. XiYing and Aaron. Hardly any girls in this world can keep me 'unlonely', I must add, so XiYing is one in a million.. I wouldn't trade her for any other girlfriend in the world.. After all the breakups, she's the one that's been there.. all the time, praying for me and all. Although the world knows how much she's depended on me for transport, but without a car now, I've begin to realize that she does depend on me for other things as well.. And that we BOTH are desperate for transport now..

Aaron.. Aaron Aaron.. I feel for you, boy.. err.. man... no wait.. err... sir? Oh well.. I feel for you, whatever you are.. seriously.. and I have to admit, I'm grateful to you for hanging out with XiYing when I was not there to hang out with her, but mostly, I'm grateful to you for hanging out with me as well. Although the world knows your ulterior motives, (LOL) but... but but.. no, seriously.. there is a difference between 'XiYing & Anna' and 'XiYing, Aaron & Anna'. There is, seriously. Although you're more quiet these days than before I left, I'm aware that both of us strongly appreciate your enduring presence ^^

Okay, another thing I noticed about myself and my loneliness.. Okay, don't tell anyone.. shhhhh.. The truth is... *drumrolls*.. I can't eat alone >.< I'd cry and get emo. The loneliness just sets in and makes me don't wanna eat. I rather starve until someone comes along the way, and then I'd hurriedly grab something to munch. No, seriously. It's a terrible bacteria/sickness thingy. Like now, I'm at home.. alone, in my room.. on my bed. I'm having gastric. There's no food on the table. Not like it will make a difference anyway. But I just don't want to eat. When I roam this empty house and this empty kitchen, I feel lonely and emo. I start to think about the people I love. And I start to ask myself regarding their whereabouts and their schedule for the day. I get hurt. Then I start to cry. No kidding.

The stupid thing is.. not just anyone will do. I want someone I like to eat with me, or I won't eat. I guess I've had this 'sickness' since I had a little.. err.. 'anaroxia', if you will.. when I was.. 16. And then, ever since,.. I just ate for 'show'. I ate because so and so asked me to eat, if not I won't eat. Or I eat because so and so is looking.. ultimately, I do not eat for the food but for the company. I eat because it is 'fellowshipping' or because I am trying to 'save' food from going down the drain. It became so bad that.. when my mom leaves me alone in the room to eat, for example, I'd just stop because it's 'wasting' a meal. I don't know the term for it, it's just hard to explain. This is one of the times when I do wish that there is someone out there who is like me, who can understand my eating habit/sickness/whatever.

One thing that worries me the most, and I repeat, the most about working outside is the fact that I have to eat alone or with colleages that I don't have a relationship with. The scariest thing that comes to mind is.. "who is going to eat lunch with me?" I guess that's why I keep running to Andrew's house to eat.. other than his company.. it's.. their company at lunch. I don't mind working if I can go to work, come back for lunch and go off to work again.. at least I am 'spending' my meal time with people I love. (I don't know why I talk about meals as though each meal I eat signifies one meal closer to death) Oh, well.. only God knows.

But that's when the car comes in.. I can't hang with XiYing and Aaron because I don't have a car, I can't hang with Andrew and Mom because I don't have a car. People, Anna really needs a car.. seriously. She's lonely.. and do you know what happens when she is lonely?

Okay.. after this part.. please think twice before you go on reading.. Read only if you promise me that you will love me forever, no matter what I do or what I think and that your love for me is unconditional. Then you may go on reading.. because after this, you most likely will.. remove me from your friendship list on the terms of 'too emo' or 'too melancolic'... so if you are unsure about your relationship with me and especially if you are a guy.. please don't read. Because girls are generally more understanding and have a section in their hearts for people who 'need more grace'. Besides, girls don't feel the 'pressure' of handling every situation successfully. In other words, please read without putting any pressure on yourself as a friend to help me. When you put pressure, you will avoid me because you will soon realize that nothing you do can help. Such disappointment will result in you avoiding me to resist the disappointment.

*********** censored ************

Okay.. so.. when I get lonely,.. what happens is.. I start to question the purpose of life.. what is life if I don't have anyone to live with? How do I go on life if nobody is part of it? What is life lived all alone? What value does that life have? Then when I realize that I have no one who will spend their lives or their time with me.. I will... start thinking of killing myself.

Want to run away from me yet? Think I'm being too emao? So be it. Go freak out and run. Perhaps I am too emao.. but like I said.. I didn't ask you to help me. I know you can't help me. Sigh. Anna's burden is too large for you. Too heavy.

If you think that way.. I don't blame you. Who doesn't?

Why am I telling the world this? Why am I telling everyone that I get so lonely that I want to kill myself? Because.. obviously.. I do hope that someone can help me.. can take away this loneliness.. just as much as I know 99% of the people who read this post can't take the loneliness away, I believe that 1% can. And I am writing this post for that 1% who can, risking the 99% of my friends who will ignore me totally after this just because they don't feel like they can handle me. So.. for the sake of trying.. then, if you are in that 1% category, please answer me.

It's weird because I know that I have God and everything.. but like God said.. it's not good for man to live alone.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Prayer meeting is more happening than Cell Group

2008-11-05T08:09:00.002+08:00

Who created the cell group structure? Who said that Cell Group had to be the 4Ws? No offence, but I'm pretty sure that Lawrence Kong was just doing his best in planning a guide, but it isn't the 'formula' for evangelism. There isn't a 'formula'. Every time we reach out, it is different. God doesn't use the same techniques twice. God is a creative God. First he asks David to go for war but the next time, he told David to wait near the bramble bush. And when they hear the sound of the enemies marching, then charge. God never asked anyone to conquer a city like the way He asked Joshua to march around Jericho. God only used that once in the Bible.

How long ago was cell group created? 7 years ago? More? How long is that? One generation? How many years is one generation? How sure are we that the same techniques which worked for the previous generation will work now or in the future? How many years are you planning to use this same technique? Until Christ comes again? Isn't the second generation to be better than the first? Isn't the second generation the generation to enter into the promise land? Doesn't Elisha have double portion of the anointing from Elijah? Don't we want out children to achieve greater success than us? I believe that the season for Cell Group is over. Let's create something new.

I believe that God is a creative God. He created the whole world - He created the animals, plants and us. Look at the flowers: so different one from the other. He doesn't use the same techniques twice, and He can create something different, something new, something original. That is why I believe that cell group doesn't have to be the same all the time.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

To my Beloved XiYing...

2008-10-13T10:40:00.002+08:00

blessed 21ST birthday, Xiying.. dearest! I love you...

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

The Call of Freedom

2008-10-11T11:29:00.002+08:00

I wanted to feel the streets, roam the pavements, to be sucked into haste and the fumes of the sky. Freedom is where I belong – looking out into the narrow world. The pathway of yonder is where the heart is and freedom is my new anthem and my song.

That’s when I am the most alive.

Cage me not like a bird within the bars of nine to fives. Let me lay down with thy beggars and cast aside my inhumanity for an instance. Thrust me to live and not die, in the ever wandering wilderness of false hope and humiliation. Where is thy dignity, O ‘true-to-thyself’ businessmen and corporate figures? Show me thy value of life and I shall show thee thy corporate worth. For all is lost in your anthem of self pity and hatred. No more doth the song sing of your fate but your misery.

Humble thyself and accept life. Let not your ego shut you in. Open up the veils of common cowardliness and breathe into the airs of purpose. It stands for you as it has all these while. It beckons. It knocks upon your cowardly doors. Fling it open or it shall invade. Feel then the threats of its flame.

Die now in thy anger and live in your newest fate – thy hope and thy salvation lies not in those ladders. Truth speaks for one and for many. Freedom shouts for all, "Come to thy true nature and be. Not to thyself but to Me."

It's the end of the world.. oh.. so?

2008-09-25T08:55:00.002+08:00

I composed a song this morning^^ ahha.. yea.. after a long time..

mind you.. not a poem.. a song! =)

When the waters are raging,
I'll take you there;
When there's a deep longing feeling,
That none can compare;
When the wind's always blowing,
and no one seems to care;
When the distance seems growing...
I'll.. be there.

I'll be there, when the lions are roaring,
when the people are shouting, when the desert's a drought.
I'll be there, when the chains have been broken,
My Word has been spoken: I'll be there.

So guess what's the title of the song.. yep! You guessed.. "I'll be there" =D

Yesterday, I went for life group and it was about seeking You first and not worrying about this life. It's hard not to worry. Especially when I have 'big' things to worry about. Then I remember one guy: he said that he heard from a preacher before that our time on earth is really short compared to the time we will spend in Heaven. The time we will spend in heaven is eternity. So our life on earth is nothing, really. What is there to worry about? What is this life compared to eternity?

That really stroke a chord in me. I suddenly realized that it's not important. Nothing is important. Nothing but You. So what if I don't make it in life? So what if I 'screwed up' my life in the eyes of the world? So what if I don't make it in my studies? So what if I don't get a job? So what if I don't have bread to eat? So what if I die tomorrow? It's not that I don't want to live and don't want to study, but it's about what is worth worrying about. If I don't get to continue my studies, so what? It means that it is not God's will for me. Simple as that. But if I continue my studies then Hallelujah! So be it! So what if I have to go back to Malaysia for another year? So what if I don't ever come back to Australia at all? So what if I settle in Malaysia? So what? So what if it is the end of the world? You still remain, seated on the throne, higher than the heavens, and Lord of all creation. You can just destroy the whole earth and create another one. What is this world to You? What is life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time, and then vanishes away. Instead, I ought to say, if the Lord wills, I shall live and do this or that.

Then what is life all about? Life is all about seeking Your face. It's all about spending time with You. It's all about pleasing You, obeying You, doing Your will, making You happy, knowing You, loving You and serving You. It's all about You. Everything else is comparable to 'bogus'.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

My top 10s

2008-09-24T11:43:00.003+08:00

Recently, Jie and Caleb asked me to hand in my prophecy. I realized that 85% of that particular prophecy had to do with counseling people. And I remember that I was telling Jie that I could never understand why all my prophecies are always the same. They always have to do with advising people and counseling people. And they said I do it the non-traditional way. I could never understand. Jie said maybe it's because I haven't done anything about it yet, so it keeps coming..

But I know that I want to build the school so that I can help them. I still can remember Elijah talking to me about troubled kids. And I told him that I have a heart for troubled kids more than normal kids. And so he said, if I was given a bunch of naughty kids, would I be pleased, and I said yes. Because I believe that they have a reason for their behaviour. I've always had a lot of patience, and I don't know why.

But I want to build the school not just for charity sake. It's more than that. It's more than just applying a 'hospital' concept. It's about getting them to fulfill their personal destiny for their lives. I believe that everyone has a personal destiny. And if they achieve it, they would be the best of the best in whatever that destiny was, because everyone is unique and everyone has a different destiny. And everyone was meant to be the best in whatever field they were in.

Okay, to cut the long story short.. I've also realized that whenever I started my degree programme, I have been bumping into people from all kinds of nationalities. From Chinese from China to Bangladeshis to Syrians to all kinds of nationalities that came to me for help. I didn't know what an 'Integration Aide' was at that time, but I guess I was something like that: just that I did it for free. They sent to me their assignments and their homework, and sometimes I just want to tell them to pack their bags and go home because I feel like giving up on them.

Most of them faced English as a difficulty. I know I may not be a top scorer, but I helped them because I could speak better English. Even now, believe it or not, when I assumed that my 'jobs' in Malaysia were over, here I am, doing my postgraduate and guess what? Helping people again. I guess I just can't help myself. I tend to find people who seem to need it the most. I don't know why all my friends seem to be people who can't speak proper English and just needs someone to explain the whole course to them from scratch.

And it's amazing, sometimes.. to see friendships grow from nothing to something just because I chose to take a little time off to help people. And those are the best parts about my degree programs: helping people. Because when I help them, I realize that I've learned so much and that I've enjoyed myself so thoroughly. And it was a piece of cake helping them, really. It was literally my pleasure. I just pray that one day I could earn money by doing that. I think I would have earned a whole lot of money by now.

There is this job, as an integration aide in college. Someone told me to apply for it. I wanted to do it for free in one of the secondary schools, but this Integration Aide told me that I am valuable and I should be paid. He said that I need to earn a living as well. So he told me to go to LaTrobe University and apply for it there. And I've been really praying about it. So later today, I'm going to apply for it. Pray for me ya? It's my dream job^^

one of it anyways..

want to know my other dream jobs?
LOL... you'd be surprised.. here's the list rated according to number. 1 being most wanted:

11. Errand girl?? (^^) don't ask ... feel like taking this off the list..
10. Integration Aide (my latest addition to the list!)
9. Housewife? lol
8. Make up Artist! ..you'd be surprised~ or not.. but you already are! =P
7. Patisserie chef: the one that does tedious detailed icing designs on cakes

6. Architect
5. Landscaper
4. Interior Designer: Victorian theme

3. Painter Artist.. but it doesn't bring in much money.. and wouldn't have the heart to sell anything anyway..
2. Christian book author.. I'd do it for free..
1. Pastor!! (you guessed.. freeeee)

Hey.. noticed I could start a company to design the house, landscape the garden and even do the interior design of the house? LOL!!! And I would be interested in all 3!!!

Or.. I could also be a pastor, a christian book author and place my own paintings inside! How nice^^

The top 10 businesses I want to own:

Kinders to Tertiary campus ^^
Victorian Hotelsss
Victorian dresses boutique: fit for royalty ^^
Victorian interior designing company
Victorian interior furnishings company: wallpapers, curtains, sofa covers.. etc.
Children's furniture designing and manufacturing company
Bakery-restaurant selling all kinds of pastry, food and especially.. wedding cakes!
Lingeries designing and manufacturing company =P (really nice ones!)
Publishing company (sounds boring, no? i want to publish so many books!!!)
err............ international trading company? ...
*yawn.. I guess I've changed.. I used to want this ~ don't know why.. for the money, I guess?

So.. that's a lil more about Anna! ahhaha.. what else you wanna know? Ah! How about the top 10 things that turn me off? LOL.. I'd keep that for next time..
till then, buhbyee~

annagrace

oklar oklar.. I'll tell you.. *tsk*

Top 10 things that turn me off:

guys that just want sex (and want it easy!)
ego guys
guys that are proud of getting wasted
complainers, whiners and the act of giving up easily
spoilt brats who want their way all the time
guys who try too hard to please you and has no backbone whatsoever
guys who expect you to 'mother' them and follow them everywhere until you don't have a life
a bad comment about my hair
hairy legs and arms.. apeness?
pretenciousness.... faking it/not keeping it real

yea.. that's about it.. or do you want 10 things that turn me on as well? Ahahah.. no need la..

buhbye~!

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

tough choice

2008-09-18T14:51:00.002+08:00

When it comes to crossroads like this, I have to choose. Sacrifices have to be made. And among all these sacrifices, I have to make You my priority because I have to know what is for keeps and what I have to forgo. I have to think through carefully. I have to remind myself that I have made You my priority and I cannot put others above You. Everything else just isn't so important. Everything else is just secondary. If anything else is opposed to what You want for me, then I have to forgo them.

Right now, I have to think carefully. What are my priorities? I have to list them down. Is getting PR more important or is finishing my masters as soon as possible more important? Is going to a reputable and prestigious university more important or is undergoing a course that is unique and has good teachers more important? Which is more important? Which is Your priority?

Honestly, I don't know anymore.

Why did I come to Australia? Is it really to get a PR or is it for my education? If I had the money; if money really wasn't an issue, I'd say I will continue my studies. This is why I am here. Even before Ebbie and Joey talked about flying to Australia and getting a PR here, I already talked about pursuing my masters. My coming to Australia to do my masters is my independent decision without knowing that Ebbie and Joey were going to Australia at all. It was just a coincidence. And if they hadn't decided to come to Australia, I would have gone ahead without them and pursued my studies in Queensland and wouldn't even be here in LaTrobe. It had nothing to do with getting a PR. Absolutely nothing whatsoever about getting a PR. The idea of getting a PR was purely Ebbie's misconception and influence based on her own desires and passion about getting a PR. She assumed I was in her position. It is not, however, a bad idea. Nevertheless, in terms of priorities, it comes second on my list.

Unfortunately, I don't have the means to pursue my first priority. Or so I think. Then there comes trust and obedience and faith and hope and all that. And in times like this, I cannot make decisions based on circumstances, but based on priorities and faith. Because if I let doubts sway my decisions then I shall be like a ship on the sea being tossed by the wind and people like that never accomplish anything in life, and let not a person like that assume that he shall receive anything from You. For what if they changed the law? Then after 10 months of working in Malaysia, I don't have the chance to get my PR? And then what? I wasted my 18 months there.

Secondly, the issue about studying in UQ or Latrobe is solely based on Your decision. If I use my logic, it tells me two things: the best in education is UQ - go for the best because God deserves the best. Then again, it says that it's not about the qualification or the grades - it's all about what I learn that is important. So what if UQ is the best if I've felt like I've learned so much in 1 semester here in LaTrobe - possibly more than I could ever learn in UQ in 2 years. I felt like my experience here in LaTrobe changed my life. It gave me opportunities of the unknown.

But then again, I felt like I've gained all that I could gain from LaTrobe and it is time to move on to the next thing, after all, I've never been to UQ and who knows? Maybe UQ is really better? I can't judge a University if I've never been there. Going to UQ will be able to give me the best of both worlds. I've gained all I could possibly gain from LaTrobe in one semester here and it has been such a rich experience. Staying back here another semester might result to me learning absolutely nothing and ending up in regret.

Priorities. Is money really a priority here? No it isn't. I can't let that depict my decision to stay in LaTrobe or move on to UQ. LaTrobe can only do so much for me. I believe I've soaked in their main essence as to what they believe education is all about. I've got the drift. I can't possibly learn any more from them that I haven't caught already. They've done their best, and I've soaked it all in. Time to get a new sponge. That's 50% of what I wanted to do. Now let's move on to the other 50%.

Money comes secondary to education and experience, so I believe I shall move on to UQ. I've let the money issue get the best out of me in deciding on my undergraduate degree and I've made the most out of the money issue there. I've graduated with my money's worth, all right. It was a hopeless education but rich experience that changed my life simply because You were merciful to provide me with a supportive Christian Fellowship who made it all worthwhile.

Question is.. how rich will my experience be in UQ? Only You know...

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Earth Vs Mars

2008-09-10T08:58:00.002+08:00

What's the good of transforming Mars into a livable planet if it will merely remain an imitation of the Earth? And no matter how they try to imitate, Mars will never have the tropical rain-forests that have existed for millenniums, nor the great canyons, the waterfalls, the rivers or even mountains as high as Mount Everest. Or can it produce an ocean with sea creatures that reaches to such great depths, with life we ourselves have not came in contact with? No matter how great the technology of man is, this replica will never be as good as the original, much less better. The most we could do for our technology is to create clones - the act of replicating and mutating.

Will we ever be able to come up with something that is original? A creation of it's own kind - a living organism, an original life-form - without the replicated genes of another being? No. We did not create ourselves or any other creature in existence. Neither can we turn an original planet into something more original than it already is. We are imitators and inventors, not creators.

Mars has nothing as good as any destination on earth itself. The plains of Africa has more hope for any of us than Mars or the moon is. All the technology we have came up with today - why don't use it to turn deserts into a tropical rain-forest or maximize the seas worth of land? The earth has more than enough space for all of us, if only we know how to claim and use it. Why give up on something so valuable and authentic to spend all our efforts on a planet of barrenness and lifelessness?

When God first created humankind, His mission to Adam and Eve were "dominate the earth, subdue it" Did God ever commanded us to 'dominate the heavens' as well? No. He said earth. Take care of the earth. Don't give up on it. Put in everything you've got. Because no planet out there can replace the earth you already have.

²⁸ Then God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”
²⁹ And God said, “See, I have given you every herb that yields seed which is on the face of all the earth, and every tree whose fruit yields seed; to you it shall be for food. ³⁰ Also, to every beast of the earth, to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, in which there is life, I have given every green herb for food”; and it was so. ³¹ Then God saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good. So the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

New King James Version Gen 1:28-2

¹ And God blessed Noah and his sons, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth. ² And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be upon every beast of the earth, and upon every fowl of the air, upon all that moveth upon the earth, and upon all the fishes of the sea; into your hand are they delivered. ³ Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.

King James Version Gen 9:1-3

The earth is so precious to God, that He even made a covenant, not just with us, but also with all the creatures on the earth and the earth in itself:

⁸ And God spake unto Noah, and to his sons with him, saying, ⁹ And I, behold, I establish my covenant with you, and with your seed after you; ¹⁰ And with every living creature that is with you, of the fowl, of the cattle, and of every beast of the earth with you; from all that go out of the ark, to every beast of the earth. ¹¹ And I will establish my covenant with you; neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth. ¹² And God said, This is the token of the covenant which I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for perpetual generations: ¹³ I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth. ¹⁴ And it shall come to pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the bow shall be seen in the cloud: ¹⁵ And I will remember my covenant, which is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh. ¹⁶ And the bow shall be in the cloud; and I will look upon it, that I may remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is upon the earth. ¹⁷ And God said unto Noah, This is the token of the covenant, which I have established between me and all flesh that is upon the earth.

King James Version. Gen 9:8-17

Now, if the earth meant so much to God: the creator of the earth, that He made a covenant not to destroy it by flood ever again, more so does the earth mean to us, the ones it was given to and given responsibility for.

In every human being, lies a heart for nature - it is undeniable. Children love animals. It is our natural instincts to care for the earth and the life it exhibits.

God made a promise not to destroy the earth by flood ever again, so don't worry about global warming which melts the arctics. That's not going to happen. We will either find a solution before that happens, or the earth will probably be destroyed before that happens or whatever, but a flood would certainly not happen again.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Proverbs and taglines

2008-09-02T19:42:00.003+08:00

These are quotes by God and me to God and so on.. unless stated otherwise..

do enjoy ^^

It's easy to obey You; if I don't think.

You are Heaven on earth

Worship goes beyond the words

Please grant me... Your wish

Thank You for being my Desire

God will always be my first priority, no matter who I am inside.

I live a life of sin, filled with repentance, covered in grace, showered in love.

It's not about skill, it's all about You

If I can't trust You, who can I trust?

You are: Beyond me

Bring me to the place where I am close to You - bring me to my knees.

Letting go of who I am and embracing who You are.

Thank You for impossible situations: they are miracles in the making.

I can't see what's beyond tomorrow, but Daddy, You can

Making it through and making You proud.

You make this world a better place

Draw the church nearer to the cross

When you put your feelings aside, your decisions are very different - opposites, in fact

Someone had to suffer for my sins and it wasn't me

Your love is enough, what can I ever desire?

Whether I forget the past or not does not mean that I'm moving on into the future. I need to move on despite the fact whether I forget the past or not. And moving on doesn't mean I've let go.

I rather not get married than to get married to someone who doesn't love me enough

Nothing you do can stop jealousy

He uses his heart to make me happy, not his head.

It's time to be a man and stop living for yesterday - Carrie Underwood

You love me more than he did because you could bring out a part in me that he couldn't.

Consistency - remaining the same when all else changes

Doing right the things I've done wrong

Why do we remember the goodbyes more than the welcome homes?

Dreams are what makes us human. The lack of dreams, however, make us do crazy things - like sitting down in the office from 9 to 5, 5.5/7 days of our lives.

Creativity is the catalyst for all music. Without creativity, music is noise.

Perfection is derived from more than just the failure to find fault

The more civilized we get in terms of techonology, the more uncivilized we become in terms of humanity.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

8th Avenue

2008-08-27T22:15:00.007+08:00

View Larger Map

so HCC is moving to a new place ^^ hope to see you guys there someday :)

Mizzing you always,
Anna

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Your Treasure

2008-08-15T11:49:00.000+08:00

Psalms 135:4

⁴ For the Lord has chosen Jacob for Himself,

Israel for His ¹special treasure.

¹precious possession

Explanation:
This psalm is about praising You for creating everything, choosing Israel and saving them out of Egypt. You also control the whole earth - from the lightnings, to the wind, to the vapors, to the seas. There is no other God like You because those idols are made by hand and those who make them are like them - cannot see, hear or speak. They are dead. You have destroyed the mighty kings of the earth and no one is more powerful than You. And You gave their nations as an inheritance to Your people Israel. You do whatever You please in the whole earth. You will judge Your people with compassion. Blessed be Your name!

Elaboration:
I like this verse because I am Your special treasure. Today my mind was wandering to giving a gift to someone. And I thought of making them look for it like a treasure hunt. Then the word came to me.. treasure. Is that really a treasure? Those are treasures in this world, but what is the meaning of treasure actually? Then I saw this verse that talks about me being the treasure..

Mental Picture:
I saw this treasure chest that was open. And it looked really small because it could fit into someone's heart. So there was this heart with a treasure at the bottom of it. And everywhere this person went, he would bring along this treasure in his heart- everywhere. This treasure was so precious that nobody knew it was in there. It was hidden deep inside and only that person who carried it knew it was there but wouldn't tell anybody. And deep within everyone's heart there was a treasure. Everyone had their different boxes.

And I saw another person's treasure chest - white and gold. Her treasure was really beautiful. I can see - even the box was beautiful. And all the treasures in it were colourful - it had different huge precious stones and jewelery. I saw an emerald, a ruby, a sapphire, diamonds,.. gold, mostly. It was shiny and glittery. There was nothing like it - nothing so beautiful and so treasured. It was so precious.

All the treasures that everyone had were different, and each one of them were beautiful. Some, more beautiful than the rest. Some had dark gold treasure chests, some white gold treasure chests - they were all different from one another. Each one was authentic in its own character and yet each one was beautiful in their nature.

Sometimes, when one person saw the treasure that belongs to someone else, which not everyone can see, they get jealous and try to steal that treasure away. That's when problems arise and fight begins between people - it's when they are fighting for the same treasure.

Sometimes I wonder - if they are fighting for the same treasure then what happens to the other treasure that nobody wanted? And why didn't they notice that treasure? Since everyone has their own treasure?

I guess some people has not discovered their treasure yet. Or rather, they didn't know it was there. They were so busy looking at other people's treasures that they didn't realize that they had one in their hearts and abandoned it for someone else's. Everyone has a unique treasure that no one else has. They've just got to look for it.

And You have Your own treasure too - the most beautiful treasure of all. And that's me.

Application:
I guess You just want me to understand that money is not everyone's treasure. Different people have different treasures, and not everyone wants money. Some people appreciate other things. And to give someone a treasure, I have to know what it is.

You also have Your own treasure. And only I can give it to You. And I know what Your treasure is. It's me. And if I give You what is in Your heart, You will be very happy. So, I'm going to make You happy. I'm going to give You myself.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

God is in the center of everything

2008-07-31T14:26:00.002+08:00

"Q: What is the shortest chapter in the Bible?

A: Psalms 117

Q: What is the longest chapter in the Bible?

A: Psalms 119

Q: Which chapter is in the center of the Bible?

A: Psalms 118

Fact: There are 594 chapters before Psalms 118

Fact: There are 594 chapters after Psalms 118

Add these numbers up and you get 1188.

Q: What is the center verse in the Bible?

A: Psalms 118:8

Q: Does this verse say something significant about God's perfect will for our lives?

The next time someone says they would like to find

God's perfect will for their lives and that they want to

be in the center of His will, just send them to the

center of His Word!

Psalms 118:8

"It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man."

Now isn't that odd how this worked out (or was God in the center of it)?

When things get tough, always remember...

Faith doesn't get you around trouble, it gets you through it !! " =)

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Why I cried

2008-07-24T09:33:00.003+08:00

You are shaking my foundations. Disappointments flooded in again yesterday, as my visa was on hold. And it is just amazing how You gave me the exact same verse that I had the last time disappointments visited me.

Psalms 87

¹ His foundation is in the holy mountains.

And as I read back my devotion last time, it is very encouraging to know that my disappointments will turn out for the better. You see, last time, I was disappointed that I couldn't get into UQ. But now, I like LaTrobe so much. I realize that the units I am studying in LaTrobe, I cannot get anywhere else in the world. Not this kind, anyway. Because LaTrobe has special lecturers that are bias. And I like that because I am bias like them.

As I read my previous devotion on this same verse, I saw how disappointed I was that I couldn't get into UQ and that really tickles me now that I am reading back. How silly of me to think that getting into UQ was better just because it was more prestigious. It is really not about where my degree came from, but really what I've learned through that degree program.

And now that my visa is on hold, I may finally get a chance to get back into UQ and I don't want to. What a joke.

How would I have guessed that my old devotions can speak so much to myself today. Talk about disappointments. I am so torn that I don't want to speak to anyone, don't want to do anything, don't even want to eat. I'm just too sorrowful because of my position right now. But my devotion talked so much about disappointments.

And my mental picture in that devotion even spoke about a meeting, a gathering and a discussion to produce an outcome. It seems as though I saw a vision, even 1 and a half weeks ago, that there was going to be a compliance committee meeting to discuss my situation this week, whether my visa was to be accepted or not.

Here's part of that mental picture:

But then, there was a courtroom. A conference. A discussion. All the lawyers took their places and one of them stood out against the rest. He proposed a refund. He proposed a compensation for all the work done and all the efforts. And true enough, there was hope as they recovered the money and redesigned the plans. True enough, You remained faithful till the end, as the building layout is now even bigger than before. It is by Your grace that they made it through it all.

In the end, after that discussion, the building layout was even bigger than before. Now, how did that happen? It was by Your grace. You are a great God. You can do anything You want. And I believe in You, that when You give, and if You take away, that You will multiply what You have taken away and give it back to me.

The same goes to other things in life. When You give me a good guy, and when You take him away, I always know that You have someone much better in store for me. There is nothing to be disappointed about. In fact, I should rejoice. Because if the guy that You take away is a really great guy, imagine, what kind of guy I will have in the end? Must be double the greatness! If You take this visa away from me, I cannot imagine what will happen soon. It is simply marvelous.

You shake the foundations, Lord. Because You are rebuilding Your house. You are enlarging it.

Second Mental Picture (taken from today's devotion):

I saw this boy playing with white blocks. And he was using those blocks to build a block house on a book. Apparently, that book was his foundation. And when the house was almost completed, he shook the book accidentally, and the whole building collapsed.

And he was disappointed. He was really sad. He cried. Because all of his hardwork was into it. He had really put his heart into it. And now it's all gone. That's why he cried. And then he went and told his mom. Then his mom felt for him. Then she came to see his destroyed work.

Then she explained to him that his foundation was not good enough. She told him to build on a foundation that cannot be shaken. And so he did, and this time, she helped him. They built a castle on the floor. It was so tall, that it was taller than him. He was so happy.

Now, let's take a look at the previous mental picture:

All the lawyers took their places and one of them stood out against the rest. He proposed a compensation for all the work done and all the efforts.

You know, I cried. I cried because I felt like I came this far. I tried so hard to get into uni. I tried so hard to come here to aussie, to pay so much money, and now I have to start from square one. I cried because of all my hardwork and efforts. I did so many things - I ran to the office to pay my fees, I missed the stop on the way to uni, I waited for another bus that never came, walked kms a couple of times, I went to the post office to get my working with childrens check, I went through the whole process. I did so many things. I bought my stationary, bought books, got my student card, got enrolled into college. Went to the bank a couple of times to resolve so many transactions, rushed to the immigration office because I lost my way to the train station.

I had to wait nervously, praying like anything that my previous education institution will even give me a refund. And I lost thousands and thousands of dollars and ringgit to the migration office for a visa I canceled and enrollment into the cooking school, which costed RM3000, but of which I canceled also. I did so many things, and now they wanted to tell me that my second visa can be rejected? Do they know how much it costs in ringgit for each application? It costs RM1500. And I had to apply twice. And it was all my dad's money. And now he doesn't have much left. Let's not even mention the rent, food and utilities of about $120 a WEEK. And I've been here for 2.5 months. So that's $1200 x 3 = RM3600, rent only up till today, not counting future rent.

My first semester fees costs 8125.. dollars. That's multiplied by 3 point something. That's almost RM25,000, including registration fees, transport, and so on and so forth. And since I already commenced my studies, if my visa gets rejected, I don't know if they will give me a full refund. If they only give me 50%, I will loose half of my RM25 000.

My plane ticket here costs another RM3500 or so. If I added everything together with all my expenses on clothes and blanket and everything, it will come up to RM38 200. I could buy a brand new car. By cash. Instead of burning that money to the ground. And imagine if I had to fly back (RM3600++) and fly here again (another RM3600++), and did that WHOLE process all over again. That's why I cried. Because of all that. My efforts. My hardwork. And a lot of other people's hard earned money and savings.

God, please tell me You have something much greater. Much much. Please tell me it was all worth it. Thank You.

Nevertheless, I shall build now a new foundation that can never be shaken - my foundation in God. My foundation through prayer, worship and the word.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

My heart's desire

2008-07-23T17:19:00.007+08:00

I didn't appreciate my stay here in Australia
...until my visa was put on hold

Just when I found
the 'perfect' course to study,
the 'perfect' units in that course outline, and
the 'perfect' lecturer...

The walk along the streets was solemnly silent. I really had to go to the bathroom on the way home from the immigration office, but that was as fast as my legs could take me. As I looked along that memory lane, I started to realize that two months here in Australia really did make a difference in my life. I noticed the shops which brought back a nostalgic feeling of the time when my mom was around to buy stuff for us. I would sigh to myself but only within my heart.

I didn't appreciate my stay here in Australia until my visa was put on hold. It was that moment in time when I had so much to express but no words left to say. It was that time when I was sad but helpless at the same time. Disappointment at this point, was an understatement.

Just when I found the 'perfect' course to study, the 'perfect' units in that course outline, the 'perfect' lecturer - Peta Heywood. Sigh I would, but only to myself. Because I couldn't be bothered whether others heard that sigh or not. I was sad, but that's all I knew at that point, and I really couldn't process anything beyond that.

If I went back to Malaysia, it just wouldn't be the same. I wouldn't get a course like that, a school like that, much less a lecturer like that. The uniqueness of the course has actually got me attached to the school, to the course and to the lecturer. Simply because of one belief.

The faculty of education in LaTrobe has a unique belief and a collective belief at that, that education is meant to be exciting, interesting, motivating and loving. Full of passion, full of life. And I hold a similar belief. I have always had this belief ever since I was 7. Education was not meant to be boring, an obligation, compulsory,.. a nightmare.

The words of the immigration officer kept echoing into my head, 28 days 28 days 28 days 28 days... I was supposed to get back to the immigration office within 28 days,.. but I took two months. That was the complication. "No documents or anything else can be used to help you anymore. Now, you've just got to wait for me and the conciliation committee to decide whether to remove that complication from your statement or not." She said that thrice.

I was trying my best to hold back the tears as I kept my documents scattered on the table. It was embarrassing. Embarrassing that I had something I unconsciously allowed my heart to cherish. Embarrassed and surprised. Surprised as I finally came to realize how much this visa actually meant to me. Something new to comprehend.

I only kept asking one question, "How am I going to study about the 're-ignition' of education if I don't study in LaTrobe?" This is my heart's desire. Now I realize how desperate I am for it. Now I realize that LaTrobe is the only place I can get this. This lecturer, this belief, but much more so the aggression of such belief. The belief was only the root of something thriving.

Let it's branch grow. And let it reach the nations. Let it one day reach Malaysia, Philippines, Thailand, Vietnam, India, China. This is my heart's desire. Bring it across the nations. Plant it's seed, and let the tree grow. Nurture it, water it, fertilize it. Only let it grow wild. Let it's passion re-ignite every dead education system planted in those lands. Let every dry tree catch on fire. Never-ending, wild and ferocious.

I'm speaking from the heart of education, where passion resides. If there be any left.

Don't stop me.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Disappointments ~ God answered

2008-07-12T20:53:00.004+08:00

God has answered this devotion. I just enrolled into LaTrobe yesterday and got my subjects in. The person in charged asked me what I was interested in and what my plans for the future were, that she may allocate to me the desired or appropriate subjects.

The first thing I said to her was my vision. I told her I wanted to build schools all over the world, and for the poor, and I would like to make my own curriculum. I told her I was interested in Pedagogy. Big word, no? I just learned it few days ago. The definition of pedagogy:

1.	the function or work of a teacher; teaching.

2.	the art or science of teaching; education; instructional methods.

When she heard that word, she straight away linked me up with the lecturer of pedagogy and holistic studies. Looked all over for her. Then was told that she was coming back up. So we waited. She said, "she is the right person. You should talk to her. She teaches pedagogy and holistic education, which is similar to pedagogy."

[she could take care of me]

To cut the long story short, my former core units for Educational Leadership and Management were:

Educational Administration and Management, and;
Leadership and Team Building Skills

and I was supposed to choose another Elective unit to make (3) units for this semester. Of the third, she chose Curriculum Design and Implementation.

But since I was so much more interested in Pedagogy, they decided throw away core unit No.2, which was Leadership and Team Building. And get me to learn Intro to Australian Schools, to give me a taste of different classroom environments. =) Boy.. was I glad!

Intro to Australian Schools, Pedagogy and Holistic Education were second year Master's course units, not first year's. Nevertheless, since I was enrolled into a Master's program instead of a Graduate Diploma program (foundation in Masters/first year of Masters), they gave me the right to enroll into my second year courses now, and do Admin next time ^^ i love 'em..

Nevertheless, due to my ever demanding attitude, I still didn't have it in me to do core unit No.1, Educational Admin and Management (how awfully dull =.=). Tell me again why I am doing Educational Studies in Leadership and Management? Oh, rite.. because I wanted to build schools..

After all the talking, I told her that my passion was very much for Pedagogy and Holistic education instead. Guess what the outcome was?

No, you wouldn't.. My three units ended up as:

Curriculum Design and Implementation
Introduction to Australian Schools, and
Pedagogical Principles and Practice

Now.. what happened to my two core units again? XD

and they are all.. second year master's program units.. AND not for Masters in Educational Leadership and Management but.. Masters in Teaching.

Which would entitle me to teach, actually. And required was also a 'Working With Children's check' and 'Police Check' since I would be going into schools. =) Did I mention i LOVE 'em? ^^

Oh, and these 3 units are all together, as in the same students were learning up that course, and it was a small class with a lot of group discussion. And I would be meeting the same students in and out.. =) I love 'em.

And she said that since I was attending that whole course, she could take care of me while I was there in that course.. heh.. I'm so looking forward to going to school now =) I mean.. how many people would have a lecturer take care of them? God is so good and God loves me so much. But even if this did not happen, I know that God still loves me. God loves me all the time. And I love Him too.

She said that I might want to consider including children from wealthy families because ultimately, they are the ones that will rule the world. You know what? She thinks like me. I told her that I am aiming for them, too and not just for poverty stricken children. But I also added that children from poverty stricken families can rule the world too.

I can't wait for class. And guess what? My classes are Monday 2-5pm and Tuesday 10-1pm, 2-5pm. So I only stay in Ebbie's house one night. And my transport is so much cheaper that way! Think of it - 2 units on Tuesday!!! God bless me, really.. God, I love You so much. But even if You take this away, I'd still love You.

so, my devotion down there works.. =) This is also an answer to my other devotion that God told me that He will give me a mentor who will teach me in Educational Studies, and He did. I believe that it is God's provision for me =) God blessed me^^ I love Him!!

p/s: Read the 'Application' part of BOTH the devotions down here. The first talks about God having a better plan for me at LaTrobe, and the second about God will give me someone who will teach me personally.

_____________________________________________________

12 July 2008
Psalms 18, Psalms 87

Psalms 18

⁷ Then the earth shook and trembled;

The foundations of the hills also quaked and were shaken,

Because He was angry.

Psalms 87

¹ His foundation is in the holy mountains.

² The Lord loves the gates of Zion

More than all the dwellings of Jacob.

I like these verses because the foundation of the earth belongs to You. The foundations of everything belongs to You. No matter what it's like. No matter what happens. You can build up and You can pull down, even foundations. Of things that do not belong to You, You pull down. But You establish Your foundation in the holy mountains. You build up Your foundation in Holiness, in Holy places. In Your Holy Place. In Your Holy of Holies, in Your throne room, that's where my foundation in You should be built and established. Not in the foundations of the earth, but in the foundations of the heavens. It is through worship that my foundation is built.

Definition:
a body or ground upon which something is built up or overlaid

Merriam-Webster, Inc: Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary. Eleventh ed. Springfield, Mass. : Merriam-Webster, Inc., 2003

Mental Picture:
I see the foundation of my church being built. The physical foundations of my church building - the digging, the piling, the noise, the business, the structure, the layout, the formation of the lowest levels. I saw the huge machines, the tall ones, the pillars, the metal bars, the cement, the workers, the dust, the rocks, the mud, the construction. I heard the noise, the shouting, the machineries, the piling up of rocks one against another, the knocking sound of the hammer, workers walking from one side to another. It was the sound of hope. It was the sound of something new. There was development. Slowly, I could see it coming into place, as they put the beams in.

But something happened. There was disappointment. There was confusion. They had to stop construction. There was a problem. The government wanted part of the land. They had to change their plans. The architect, the contractor were both very disappointed. All their plans failed. Everything they planed were stopped. It could not be done anymore. Everything came to a standstill. Disappointment filled the air. What a great disappointment.

[I may reach a point of disappointment
that LaTrobe is not going to give me a full refund, but then
there is a purpose of why I am there]

But then, there was a courtroom. A conference. A discussion. All the lawyers took their places and one of them stood out against the rest. He proposed a refund. He proposed a compensation for all the work done and all the efforts. And true enough, there was hope as they recovered the money and redesigned the plans. True enough, You remained faithful till the end, as the building layout is now even bigger as before. It is by Your grace that they made it through it all.

[ But You have greater plans for me here ]

Application:
All things work out for good to those that love You. Although I may reach a point of disappointments that LaTrobe is not going to give me a full refund, but then there is a purpose of why I am there. In the end, it will always turn out to be better than it was before. I must not be sad. I know I am very disappointed right now and really really sad that I cannot get into UQ - the university of my dreams, so called. But You have greater plans for me here.

[ I guess You want me to do my foundations in LaTrobe.
I believe in You, Lord ]

I know I wanted to lay my foundations in my masters program in UQ, instead of LaTrobe, because UQ is more prestigious and I know that they will accept me if I pass my foundations there. They also offer double the amount of credit units for a slightly more expensive price, and the foundation there is in leadership, not just a general educational studies foundation, like the one in LaTrobe. I so so so wanted to go to UQ, other than the finance part and the staying alone part. But I guess You want me to do my foundations in LaTrobe. I believe in You, Lord. I know that You want what is best for me. I shall not be disappointed anymore.

work twice as hard

10 July 2008
James 4:3-16

¹³ Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow ⁸we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit”; ¹⁴ whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. ¹⁵ Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that.” ¹⁶ But now you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil.

⁸M let us

I like these verses because I don't know what will happen tomorrow. How can I assume that I will get a job and be able to pay up my tuition fees? How can I calculate it that way? How can I assume that I will even get $20 an hour if I get a job? I am not just living by Your grace that I have to pay up that little leftover that I can't pay up, but I am living by Your grace that I can even get a job or a job with a good pay. How can I assume I will even have enough to survive the first semester? Instead, I ought to say, if the Lord wills, then I can even have enough to buy the plane ticket there. "If the Lord wills."

If You will, I can do anything actually. The words 'if You will' means more than just 'allowance' or 'permission'. It means the 'will of God'. It means the 'plans and purposes of God'. It means the destiny that You have prepared for me since the foundations of the world. It's more than just Your 'permissible will'. It is about Your 'perfect will'. If I seek Your will, then surely I can do it. But now the question is, is it Your will? I cannot assume. It is too dangerous to assume.

If I succeed in anything, it wasn't because of my strengths or my accomplishments. It is because it is Your will that I succeeded. It was for the establishment of Your purposes.

Definition:
mean to express pride in oneself or one’s accomplishments.

Merriam-Webster, Inc: Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary. Eleventh ed. Springfield, Mass. : Merriam-Webster, Inc., 2003

Mental Picture:
I see this young, fat boy. He liked to boast. He would boast that he was physically the best at playing football (??). But he did. And he told off the other boys who wanted to play with him, and they believed him and they were afraid of him. Then one fine day, a bigger boy came along and challenged him. But when he played, he fell down and everyone laughed at him.

[ He needed training. He needed a coach.
He needed to learn from someone who has walked that path.
He needed someone to teach him what he does not know ]

It surfaced that he has never played football before. Apparently, he had assessed himself and his skills based on his appearances. He figured, somehow, that if he was bigger and fatter and stronger, that it meant that he was physically fit to play football. He totally didn't know that those were not the qualities required to play football. He didn't know that to play football, he had to be smart, physically fit, skilled in tackling and many other things. He even had to be skilled in kicking the ball, which he has never done before. But because of his arrogance, he failed miserably. He needed more knowledge and experience to be the best. He needed training. He needed a coach. He needed to learn from someone who has walked that path before. He needed someone to teach him what he does not know. He cannot assume he knows something when he knew nothing at all.

[ He was later humble enough
to let that boy who challenged him, to teach him.
To teach him from scratch ]

It does not mean that he couldn't play. It meant that to play, he would need vigorous training and exercise, and would definitely need to loose that sum of weight he had. It would just require lots of practice and training. And soon, he could play like the other boys, but then again, it wouldn't make him the best. To be the best, he had to train harder and work harder than anyone else. Probably twice the amount everyone else trained and worked.

He was later humble enough to let that boy who challenged him, to teach him. To teach him from scratch, how to kick the ball and all the things that he didn't know of. Then, he realized how much he didn't know and he was even more ashamed of himself and his proud behaviour.

Application:
I think this speaks of me, entering into a masters programme that I know nuts of. Educational Studies. What do I know, seriously? Oh, God, help me. Sigh. Who is going to teach me? Who is qualified to teach me? Do I need extra classes? Do I need to get back to basics? Where should I start?

I have to find someone who knows this kind of things to teach me from scratch. When I enter the course, I am going to be lost, more lost than a lost duck. But that would mean that I need someone to train me up and I need to work harder than anyone else in class. I need to work hard to even reach their level and then work double hard to be better than them. That's a lot a lot of training. And then I would need experience as well. I would need to be involved in that kind of work in the same sector I am studying in to cope with what I am studying and to help me understand.

There might be a lot of terms which I've never heard of before. And other jargon which are new to me. I have to brace myself and be prepared to be the most stupid one in class. Especially on the first day. And then I have to catch whomever I can and beg them to teach me from scratch, whatever I do not know. It will probably be good for me to start off with Grad Cert instead of Grad Dip. If I study in UQ, I think I would be starting from Grad Cert, which is one level lower than Grad Dip. So I guess that's a wiser choice. Unsure.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

I'll come back when it's over - no need to say goodbye

2008-07-10T14:05:00.002+08:00

Artist: Regina Spektor
Song: The Call [The Chronicles of Narnia Prince Caspian OST]

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

for an amazing

2008-07-08T13:59:00.003+08:00

hehe.. it's so fun being with you. i never thought i'd laugh so much. great minds think alike. never thought i'd meet someone like you one day. if i knew, i wouldn't have done the stuff i did. i would've waited. i would've been a better person.

well, since i like you so much, i'm going to try writing you a poem.. so here goes!

for an amazing

the splendor the sun unfolds upon the land
hints the dawning of a new beginning
while the waves are beating against the sand
behold, i see such a wonderful being

how could i ever imagine
that i'd meet someone like you
you're so unique, so impressing
so wise and profound too

you make me admire the capability
wonder at the possibilities
and marvel at the infinity
of what God can do for you and me

since our knitted hearts were made
there is joy like a fountain, a spring
though dreams are yet to come and much are left unsaid
between us there remains a quiet understanding

it's just amazing..

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

I am being random

2008-06-18T22:45:00.004+08:00

my third blog for today.. oh well..

came across an amazing blog. http://www.trevorromain.com/
a cartoonist, I believe. Read the story of his father, entitled 'Father's Day'. Very touching. He wrote about his letter to his dad.. nice. Took this pic from there:

bumped into his web by searching for pics on google

you can also visit his website. http://comicalsense.com/trevor/videos.php
Has videos of him with kids and all that. nice nice. Have yet to watch them myself. Remarkable life story, to me, at least.

Oh well, it's winter here in Melbourne and I am so so hot.. mom on the heater and i offed it but it is still so so hot and I am sweating.. God help me.

Let's blog about something else.

Okay, here is this other thing which I should have blogged about a long time ago, but delay delay until now.. Esther Lum from HUGE camp brought this up one day:

see the pic of Jesus on the cross? This is the Whirlpool galaxy.

" I really liked the speaker at the Chris Tomlin concert. Louie Giglio is a dynamic preacher, who uses a lot of word pictures...just what gets into my brain the best. His theme was the greatness of God, as the tour was called How Great Is Our God, after one of Tomlin's songs. He used the Universe with pictures up on the powerpoint screen to drive home how great the universe is and the God who literally breathed the stars into being. Then he told us about the Whirlpool Galaxy....a far off galaxy that was found using the Hubble telescope. It is a beautiful galaxy, white spirals with red jewel looking spots all through it. But at the very center of the galaxy is the most amazing picture. Usually at the center of any galaxy is a round black hole. This is what they found at the center of the Whirlpool Galaxy.

Then, after wowwing us with word pictures and visual pictures of God's awesome Greatness, he brought it down to how God is also interwoven into the smallest detail in our lives. There is a protein called Laminin which is like scaffolding of our cells...it holds it all together, like the rebar in the cement of our being. Then he showed us a picture of what laminin looks like....amazingly enough, it is in the structure of a cross. Laminin, the very protein that holds our being together, is shaped like the cross of Christ, who holds all of life together."
- by crickl http://www.angelfire.com/

amazing, isn't it?

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Dear Lord Jesus

2008-06-18T07:55:00.013+08:00

I condemn myself over and over again
This life is not worth living
This life just needs to end
In front of me is
The picture of a kitchen knife
so conveniently placed in my hand

The things I've done wrong
and the people who've left me
keeps me wondering
How much I am really worth
The same old story of my past
gives me that terrible feeling
that forever seems to last
No matter how hard I try to resolve it

I can only think of death
and the life I once lived
because nobody can save me from my mistakes
although I regret everything I ever did;
I search for an answer
but the flashbacks of my memory flood my mind
so that there is no escape
from the truth that ever seeks to destroy me

Can anybody save me from my mistakes
You know I regret everything I did
Let's turn back time
Let's start all over again
but reality visits me
and I have to live with all my misery
so that there will never be a time
when I shall cease to think of death

Stop it all for me
and let there be salvation
from my everliving memories
and my never ending haunts of death
What will be of me in years to come
for how long shall I endure it
everyday is a dying day
when the past seemed to have just happened yesterday

Sing for me a poem
and recite to me a song
of freedom and new beginnings
so that the past will remain as it is, the past
and there is a hope of a future where We will be together
Hear now my prayer:

"Lord Jesus, I want to be pure,
but I don't think I can be;
I want to be made whole, Lord,
and I want to be set free;

Come, Lord Jesus, come,
come and be with me;
In this period of darkness,
It's Your eyes I need to see;

Help me, Lord Jesus,
only You can calm the raging sea;
You're the answer to all my prayers,
and You're the One who holds the key;

Let me now forget who I was,
and be all I can be,
for hope is now found,
in a new beginning of a new me;

Give me now a new name,
trust me now a new life to gain,
that I may live this life all over again,
I pray, in Jesus' name."

by ~Holy^angel

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Don't let anyone else tell you how much you're worth

2008-06-09T12:46:00.003+08:00

This is how much you're worth

Take this Test to see how much you are worth:

³⁷ He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me.
And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. ³⁸ And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me.
~ Matthew 10:37-38 ~

But if you don't love Him more than everyone and everything else,
you were not worth it.

He who loves Jesus more than his father or mother is worthy of Him.
He who loves son or daughter more than Jesus is worthy of Him.
He who takes up his cross and follow after Him is worthy of Him.

How much am I worth:
If you passed the test, you are worth as much as God Himself.
If you failed.. ask God to forgive you then try again and keep trying until you pass.

For Tips on how to pass the test, click here.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

The best hug in the world

2008-06-07T13:00:00.013+08:00

Hi mum..

I'm so sorry I took so long to send an e-mail to you, but I remember I said I was going to send you one, so here it is~! =) I guess there were just so many things to say since I arrived. I wish I could tell you everything,.. but too many things de..

:) That time when I said bye to you and "dad" at my house. Erm.. Thanks so much for that hug you gave me - it was the best hug in the world. I never got a hug like that from anyone.. other than God. But then again, God's hug is out of this world =) Thanks so much for that hug. Every time I think of it, it makes me tear.. seriously. Everytime, without fail.. (you know la.. i very fast cry. That time we watch C7 also cry.. ahah.. I every show also cry. Even funny shows - laugh until cry.

Erm.. too bad I didn't get to hug dad. Didn't know if it was appropriate or not.. ahah.. but at least I got to hug Andrew~!!! Ahahah.. I just had to la.. the notti side of me^^ but he like slumber only.. like he knows he will see me again.. ahah.. well,.. Father knows best =)

I miss helping Andrew with his homework.. =( *sniff* aihh.. the fun timez.. I love the times when we kept laughing.. ahah.. so much for looking back - I look back A LOT. Like everyday.. Don't know if it is okay to look back or not.. like.. miss home. I miss the house too.. and the whole Section 17 area.. I miss eating at the night stalls there.. and the tong sui.. and bobo-chacha.. aiyooo........

But among all the food, your cooking is the one I miss the most. Seriously. I keep thinking about the vegeeeee.... the sawi in soya sauce or something like that.. I don't believe something so simple can make me miss home so much!!! I guess it's because there's no sawi here.. and all the veggies are broccoli and cauliflower.. *sniff sniff* ...and lettuce and cabbage, carrot, zucchini and cucumber.. =( I eat the same food everyday.. I miss home-cooked food...

I tried the cheese in egg you cooked the other day, but I can't seem to taste the cheese!!! It's just not the same! How much cheese did you put per egg? What did you put inside? Soy sauce? Salt? I just put egg and cheese.. no salt, no soya, no nothing - aihhh.. silly me.. I forgot~ (see the pic of the egg and cheese - I cooked it all by myself! And put the sausage inside! - Joey's idea)

I can't wait to try out the Thai dish you learned to cook - one day, one day.. but don't know why, my family don't buy chicken breast one.. *sob sob* they buy all drumstick and chicken wing only.. I don't know why - I think it's cheaper.. I don't like.. I like chicken breast.. =(

And then don't know why - all the pizza we cook comes out burnt!!! Not one will come out okay! Even though we change the chef! No matter who cooks, we sure burnt the pizza! Makes me miss home even more!! And the fridge is stocked with frozen pizzas!!! Miss home food so much! Until that day I cannot tahan de, I told Caleb and Jie that I miss homecooked food- after I sat down at the table, then we prayed, then I look at the food my sis cooked, and although it looked nice, but I still was like.. "Aiyo.. I really miss the mom's cooking.."

And they were like.. "Why? The food here not nice, ah?"

Then I was like.. "no, la.. it's just.. different."

Then they were like.. "you learn to cook la!"

Then I was like.. "even if I cook.." Then Caleb continued for me,"the touch is not there, right?"

And I was like... "... yea :'( "

oh, well.. what to do? Just look at Andrew's pictures and drool.. ahah.. he so bad la he - that day eat Ramli Burger in front of my face~! He so bad - purposely ask to tapau and then eat in front of me!!! hmmph~ then he go and make the sound.. mmmMMMmmMMmmhhh,.. *sob*~

You know, I don't believe, after so long, I still chat with him - in fact, I think we chat more now.. I don't what we chat about, seriously..

At least I get to talk to you once a week.. you seem so busy~! I don't think you even got the time to reply this email! But take your time,.. it's okay.. no hurry.. :) Ahah.. just hope you can tell me how to cook the cheese and egg.. ahahahahah... and perhaps you have a better way of cooking the brocolli!!!! Oh yea.. did you know that there's such thing as Green Cauliflower? =D ..no, I couldn't believe it either! I ate some.. ahah.. it tastes like a cross between cauliflower and broccoli! ahah..

Oh,.. how's the car? I heard Andrew has the stuffies in safe keeping.. ahahah.. stuffy babysitter~! heh heh heh.. I owe him one, really.. oh.. did you manage to send it back to the mechanic? Ahah.. didn't think so.. but the mechanic is still waiting for it, I think..

I'm sorry to leave in such a hurry.. and had to pass all these things for you guys to do.. how very irresponsible of me.. sigh. I hope this is going to be my first and last time leaving.. the other day, I dreamt that everything happened all over again - I dreamt that I was back in Malaysia, and I had so many things to pack up and to dispose, and so many things were important to me that I wanted to keep, and I guess my 'insecurity' was really.. maximized.. that week.. and in my dream, I came back to Malaysia from Australia and had to leave back to Australia again, and it was like history repeated itself - I didn't learn my lesson - I had to say bye to people who were important to me, and yet so much packing to do that was not done, and all that haunted me in the dream again~!! Sigh.. how traumatic. Thank God it was just a dream.. then I woke up, and my mum started questioning me about my stuff back home and a cold chill just ran down my back.. yikes~ scary.

I guess it was because I had to pack alone, and no one was there to help me sort things out.. I guess sometimes I don't know how dependent I am until I am left to settle things on my own. Sometimes I can make it, but sometimes,.. like my assignments and all.. I'll just get really stressed and overwhelmed.

Anyway.. not to worry about that.. these are just things in life I have to learn from and grow up. I guess that's why God put me here in Australia. To learn how to be independent and grow up. Instead of over-depending on people..

Oh,.. you want to know what is my favourite meal here? Ahah.. you won't believe it! - sandwich~! Simple sandwich!!! Just bread with butter, tuna/ham with lettuce! That's it!! And it's the best meal here. Sounds pathetic, isn't it? Yea.. I know.. =.= but it's the best. It means I haven't got jelak of it yet.. yet. I'm still looking out for the next big thing because I know I will get jelak of sandwich very soon.. because I'm about to eat some now.. for branch.. yea.. its 4:11pm and I still haven't eaten anything the whole day.. no, la... today is special.. other days I eat earlier - no worries.. this is the first time eating so late..

I hope to catch up with you again soon.. so many things to write about, and today was mostly about food.. hope I didn't bore you out~!!! =) I did it for the pictures, so you get to see some stuff.. hehe.. ok, i go first..buhbyee

Home

2008-06-05T08:04:00.009+08:00

Where Your love has always been enough for me..

Yes, homesick.. Miss everything, from the people, to the places to the food.

People and places I miss:

Not really the Sepang beach, though.. but my house yes. Ahah.. KDU, YES. Because somehow no matter which Uni I visit, there's still no place like home.. I miss KDU.. reminds me of XiYing and Aaron.. SIGHHHH~

Honestly, that day was the saddest day of my life. Everytime I view a picture I took in the airport or on that day, I just feel so sad.

what I left behind..

hmm,... oh.. and I left this too..

I think I left it somewhere on the floor in XiYing's house..

Should have left this at XiYing's house instead.. it's called 'Au Lik Eek'- an exotic ancient dessert..

can you believe I actually miss Vic too?

fun times.. at ming tien.. XiYing 'chiack-ing'... you know what's that? It's.. *chiak~!*

..chiack-ing.

yes, yes.. and Aaron Too.. eh.. since when did he become Mr.Too? I thought it was Mr.Tam.. ah nvm.

aih.. the memories.. sleeping partners 4evah!

Don't we rock the house down, XiYing? Oh, I forgot.. it was just the curtain.. =.=

one last one..

I can almost see the hallow on her head!!!

wanna know what else I miss? ..I miss this too..

D-Generator X aka Danielle and Da rest.. those notti bunch of fellas~!

ahah.. and I miss Simon..

one of the notti fellas..

our class was always the funnest~~

the best of the best..

you know what makes the best class? - a good teacher, well-behaved students, a very helpful assistant teacher and silence so golden, you'd think you're not just death but blind.

... lol!

And I miss..

my church buddy.. more or less the only friend I had in church.. now no fwens in church.. ='(

and I definitely miss..

helping someone with his art homework..

and I miss mom's cooking more than any other food:

mum's lovely beef... aihh.. can never get it here..

as Caleb says, even if we try to cook it, it's not the same- the 'touch' is just not there...

mum's sayur.. awwhhh.. makes me emo..

there's no place like home....

XiYing made me do this

2008-05-04T01:29:00.002+08:00

1. Who does Daniel Sim like?
Me

2. Describe Jason in one word.
Holy

3. Who's Daniel Sim dating?
Me

4. How would Daniel Sim insult Kenny?
Who killed kenny?

5. Would you open a mystery gift Likee just gave you, without much hesitation?
No, but he would open mine in that way..

6. What if you found out that Aaron T was secretly an alien plotting to take over the world together with Joram?
You call that a secret?

7. In a race between you, Joram and Jason, who would win?
Jason. He'd be the only one running because he is always excited about everything. Joram would be sleeping at home and forgot about the race. I would be taking pics of Jason running....

8. Name something you have in common with Jason?
Holiness

9. Super fun fun adventure amusement park marathon with you, Jason and Paul! How will it go?
Just like it went in Genting Theme Park - feeling happy and gay...

10. Would you love to read Abigail's very personal diary?
Yes, because I bet Daniel is in there somewhere...

11. In a race between you, Aaron T and Daniel Sim, who would win?
Daniel Sim. And I'll make sure. Sorry, Aaron.. I'll let you win the next round... =P Nuh.. didn't think you'd mind either...

12. Who would win in a duel, Kenny or Jason? And what kind of duel would they pick, anyway?
Some theological issue. Jason will win. Because Kenny will compromise sooner or later.. probably later when he realizes that Jason never gives up.

13. If Kenny played in a movie, what kind of character would they play?
Elmo?

14. Paul just got vaporized in a freak accident. Now what?
Now I can't meet him in Aussie =(

15. Name something you have in common with Abigail?
We both love Daniel XD

16. Likee got turned into an animal! What animal is it?
He doesn't need to be turned into one.

17. Can Paul be bad influence?
Definitely. He makes me wanna walk around and talk while flipping my arms..

18. Do you miss Likee?
No, Likee misses me.

19. Would you marry XiYing?
Again?

20. What would you do if you hadn't met XiYing?
Oh, the emo question has finally come back to me.. Well, everything that comes around goes around.. lalala.. If I hadn't met XiYing, XiYing wouldn't have met me. Okay... if I hadn't met XiYing, I wouldn't be so close with the CF until now. I wouldn't hang out with Aaron Tam and Likee for nothing. I wouldn't spend so much money on stupide movies and going to 1U for no apparent reason but listening to them chat about crappy stuff like CF committee and errr..... and I definitely wouldn't be spending so much on books. Oh well... yes, that habit certainly has got onto me.

If I hadn't met XiYing, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wouldn't be this err.. 'matured' .. err.. *aherm* and I wouldn't learn so much from books as I have. I wouldn't learn so much about Joram stuff.. and I wouldn't learn anything at all, actually. So yes, XiYing did change my life, come to think about it.. hmmmm.. thanks alot XiYing, although I know you are right beside me now and I am typing this right in front of your face.. this is soooooo weird~

21. Will Paul eat those green eggs and ham?
If he cooked 'em.. maybe..

22. Does Paul have any pets?
You mean live ones?

23. What would XiYing not be caught dead in?
staying at my place for a whole month?

24. How would XiYing insult Likee?

"How do I get through one night with LikEe?
If I had to live with LikEe?
What kind of life would that be?
Oh you, you need me in your arms
Need me to hold
I'm your world, your heart, your soul

If you ever LIVE,
Baby you would take away everything good in my life
And tell me now

How do I live with LikEe
I don't want to know
How do I breathe with LikEe
If you never go
How do I ever, ever SURVIVE
How do I
How do I
Oh, how do I live

With LikEe, there'd be no sun in my sky
There would be no love in my life
There'd be no world left for me
And I, oh Baby, I don't know what I would do
I'd be lost if I have you
If you never leave
Baby you would take away everything real in my life
And tell me now

How do I live with LikEe
I don't want to know
How do I breathe with LikEe
If you never go
How do I ever, ever SURVIVE
How do I
How do I
Oh, how do I live

Don't tell me baby
How do I go on

If you never leave
Baby you would take away everything
Don't need you with me
Baby you would take away everything good in my life
And tell me now

How do I live with LikEe
I don't want to know
How do I breathe with LikEe
If you never go
How do I ever, ever SURVIVE
How do I
How do I
Oh, how do I live

how do I live with LikEe
how do I live with LikEe baby
how do I live....

"Baby, you could take away everything good in my life.. and tell me why..

How could I live with LikEe?
I want to know..
How could I live with LikEe?
If you will ever know..

How could I ever.. ever SURVIVE???
How could I.. oh, how could I.."

25. Likee just got vaporized in a freak accident. Now what?
Good question. Now what?

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

2008-05-01T10:17:00.003+08:00

Hey!!!! Soree, peepoz!!! .. no I mean it.. sorry, people..

Been out lately.. what to do? Leaving de mah.. aishh.. so sad.. so sad to let them go.. but no choice.. Have to get on with life.. have to fulfill God's call upon my life.. and it's just not here, and I know it. But I'll be back.. one day. And I know that too. Just like I told Joram, I will tell you guys, "I will come back to Malaysia.". I know I will. That's the whole reason why I am going in the first place - so that I may come back - a whole new person. A better person. Hopefully, a more mature and independent person. Someone who will be of benefit to the society, at least.. but I just want to be the person God wants me to be. I want to be a blessing. And I want to be the best I can possibly bring myself to be.

I'm coming back, so don't worry.. I just don't know when. It can be anything between 3-7 years. No idea. But I know that by then, I won't be the same. My pilgrimage. My quest to find God. It's not that I don't have Him, I do. I just want more of Him. I want to achieve my greatest desire in my life - intimacy with God. And no matter what, I know that I must get to there before I die. I don't care how long it takes, but I must get there. And I won't give up searching until I have found my greatest Desire. And I hope you all will be like me in this manner

13 And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

So I've been packing.. I'm so not ready to go.. people ask me, so how do you feel about going.. well.. mixed feeling, la.. excited but very very very sad. So sad to leave the people I care about the most.. some of you read my blog, some of you don't. But you know who you are.. Right now, let me just mention one.

XiYing.

The first time I met you, was the nuttiest cf I ever encountered, my dear. Seriously. I didn't even know you back then, but you treated me like you knew me forever. We laughed and laughed about nothingness and you are seriously nothing but crap. What do you have up there, XiYing? Is there anything in there at all?? XD

Okay, I'm being mean.. but being mean means I mean it. Lolee!!!

Okay, crappiness is coming back again... lalalalalallala...

Oh, shucks. better stop here.
Change topic, quick!! (sorry, XiYing.. I will come back to you later, when I am not so crappy)

Andrew Chang.

Talking about laughter and talking about crap suddenly brings this boy to mind. Hahaha.. sorry, I said I was only going to mention one, but lemme just mention another one more, since we're here in the topic of laughter and crap. (Well, right now, laughter and crap may bring to mind a few more names, like Deborah Tan Ai Jern. She is the pioneer. lolee..)

Okay.. so talking about laughter and crap, Andrew Chang is the latest member.. seriously. I suddenly had a flush of memories of me and Deborah and my childhood years when I spend time with this guy laughing my head off.. I was thinking to myself like, "Okay, Anna.. this seems familiar.. when was the last time you had a laugh like that?" It was one of those times when everything seems funny.. you know what I mean? Like the smallest thing in the room can be a laugh about. Seriously... erm.. lemme see... Cockroach legs or something? Ewww!!! And that little queen ant thing you tried to kill in the bathroom.. omg.. what was that thing, really?

Oh, well.. Andrew doesn't read my blog, but maybe one day he will.. lolee! one day..

xIyING.

Oh, got to pick XiYing up from her house soon.. guess this will be one of the last times, XiYing.. I'm so gonna miss you.. Love you loads!!^^

Till then, I'll catch up with you guys later.. see ya!!!

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

XiYing (my 'hunny') and Aaron Tam (my 'sayang')'s baptism.. lol~!

2008-04-12T15:29:00.010+08:00

ahah.. excuse my.. erm.. 'possessive attitude'.. ahah..

no, la.. aaron is not my sayang.. but den I very sayang him wan.. he noes what.. lol! So XiYing calls him my 'sayang'.. lol! what to do.. she jealous mah.. =.='

lol! Okay, la.. she is not jealous.. she already got her daniel.. *ahem *ahem.. but den again.. Daniel is MINE~!!!! MWHAHAHAHHAHA.... and even my 'enemy' agrees to it~! So I have full claim now~!!!

Yay yay.. daniel is mine.. yay yay.. *sings to herself*

mwhahahhaa...

okay okay.. so now for the long awaited pics~~~ *drum roll*.. get ready....

get set!..

GO~~~~~!!! *truimphant music*

what?~ why? potong stim ah? lol!! it's nice, what^^ XiYing and I took one.. heh heh heh.. nice lehhh~~

there, another one^^

ahah.. okay, I'm boring you guys.. :P

Wait.. wait.. one more..
=D

Okay, la.. last one..
no more, de.. promise..

see? told ya~! That's Aaron Tham^^

and XiYing.. heh heh.. sorry for the blurr pics

This is Roy.. behaves a bit like me now, doesn't he?

Yeah, so we ended up stucking sticks into here and there.. lol!! It was fun, though.. :P

told ya he behaves like me^^ i just lurve taking pics of random stuff.. like nothing better to do!

Okay,. so this is XiYing's baby^^.. no, not literally, but yeah.. you get the pic!

wordsweave.wordpress.com

2008-04-03T00:23:00.004+08:00

Anna

I met her again.
This time a little less confident, a little more subdued.
But still the same old trecherous woman.
Running after her phantom affections, leaving behind a stable life of dullness and responsibilities.

Why do you cheat on your prescribed life Anna?
Whether in the pen of Tolstoy or in the text of Bergman,
- you stay fleeting.
Ready to escape at the sight of temptation.
After younger men, who may be passionate,
but are not ready to bear the burden of your guilt and isolation.

What makes you restless in each type of life?
In the nursery of your children,
in the arms of your lover?

‘I am not treacherous,
I only run after the passions
And I seek a life that has force,
but when I follow the force, it pulls me apart.
From everything else, which had some joy in parts.
I hate the burden of choice
for it does not let me reside in the joyous midland
where I can enjoy my passions and still be a part of this world
I only ask why - if world will renounce me for passions
For whom do these passions exist?’

Anna, dear Anna - the freedom of choice visits only once
And when you throw your passions in a lake
Do you have the right to ask for happiness?

- taken from wordsweave.wordpress.com, posted by Madhuri

Okay, so I do not totally identify with the whole poem, but it is, however named after me - coincidence, perhaps..

I do find some truth residing in it. Especially the part where it states that younger men are not ready to bear my guilt and isolation. It opened my eyes to what was true.. to reality. Younger guys are really incapable of sharing such burdens. They simply do not understand. And being men, when you throw something they are unfamiliar with at them, they freak out. Because, like the book, 'Captivating' states, men are generally afraid to fail and they are afraid to deal with something they can't handle. So when ladies pour out their problems at them, they immediately freak out because they feel like they do not have what it takes - sufficient experience, knowledge and understanding, to tackle the problem. And they are afraid of failing and not being able to be the 'hero' which men are supposed to be, to their partners.

I've learned something. I learned that I had to choose. I either get a more mature guy who is able to handle all my problems with understanding, or I get a younger guy who will be totally oblivious to what I have gone through.. Believe it or not, I'd choose the latter. Why? Because however close relationship might sound, having intimacy and all that.. True intimacy with God always comes first. And if you are too dependent on your partner to provide you with all the answers to life, where does that intimacy with God come from? If single girls out there can do it without partners, I believe that I can too.

Look at it this way - don't you think he has his own problems? I know it is impossible for anyone to be problem-free, but you should first settle whatever root problems you have in your life that has to do with inner healing and the major issues(i.e. family problems, childhood rejection issues) which will lead to other problems in life, way before you enter into a new relationship. As for me, I was not ready to be involved in another relationship because I have not dealt with these issues first. And when I did not deal with these issues, I brought them with me into each new relationship, and therefore, I dumped all those problems on whoever I was with. So, in each of my relationships, I complained about my past, about my hurt and rejection, because I have not dealt with them. And all these will lead to other problems - insecurity, jealousy, excessive sensitivity or emoness, if you would; loneliness, etc.

Yes, we are to share our problems with one another, especially with our partners, but 'share', not dump it on them. There is a big difference between sharing and dumping. Let me explain - sharing is just letting someone hear you out, listen and advice. To dump someone your problem is to dump expectations along with that, expecting them to solve at least half of it for you.

And it's when you have expectations, that you will have disappointments, because it won't be long before you realize that your partner is incapable of handling every single problem you dump at him - very incapable, because we are merely human. And the more problems you dump on him, the more expectations you put on him, the more you're destroying his sense of self-confidence because when he finds that he is relatively incapable, you are exposing his weaknesses and incapability, making him shy away from helping you with other problems in the future.

So let's find the point where everything goes wrong - the expectations. Let me make this very clear - you must not have any expectations whatsoever on your partner to solve anything for you. Because it is not his responsibility. He is not obliged to resolve your issues. He is your partner in life, not your father and definitely not your god.

If you desire intimacy with a superior being that is able to settle all your problems for you, trust me, it is not intimacy with a human that you are looking for, but intimacy with God. That is what you have been searching for your whole life, and now that you know what it is your heart aches for, -go for it- go run after intimacy with God, the Superior Being who is able to settle all your problems for you, loves you enough to lay down His life, the only Being you can trust 100% and you totally adore with all you are.

And until and unless you have achieved intimacy with God, you are not prepared for an intimacy with any human because your heart is still craving for first and foremost, intimacy with God. And that passion for intimacy with God cannot possibly be quenched by anything inferior to the Real Thing. It is just not possible. Because that is what our hearts were made for.

Therefore, no matter what relationship you are in, someone's heart will only find dissatisfaction and it will lead to break ups after break ups until both hearts are contented with the Real Thing. Our hearts simply will not be satisfied with each other, because the purpose we were created on this earth - the one longing and the one desire, ever since He first formed us in our mother's womb - was to desire intimacy with the Living God. And it will settle for nothing less.

He first created man on earth to have a relationship with Him. This is man's ultimate goal in life - intimacy with God - nothing else matters more. Just like in Romans say, the spirit groans.. so our heart groans and yearns for 1 thing, and 1 thing only - true intimacy with God. And until the day we die, this will be our heart's greatest desire. And until and unless you have found intimacy with God, you will never, I repeat, never find fulfillment or satisfaction in anything you do in life, not even doing His will.

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

you don't have to give him the credits for making you a man if he didn't

2008-03-29T16:02:00.006+08:00

Hope you don't mind me copy-pasting our conversation here... it's just the intro..

"you just.. don't fancy your dad's way of doing things
and i guess you never want to be like him?
you rather be anything and anyone - as long as you don't become like him

you will never be like him
because you have a choice
to be whoever you choose
he may be your dad
but he's not you

God was a man when He was on earth
and if there is anything lacking, among all the good parts you took from your dad,
you know where to get it from
among all the parts that make a man, a man

so doesnt mean that you're a man means you're anything like your dad
you don't have to give him the credits for making you a man if he didn't"

Some girls get their feminity from their mothers or sisters.. I have no idea where I got mine from.. But I like to think that it is God who deserves that credit.

The Holy Spirit is very much of a woman among the Trinity. And I realize that as woman, we crave to love and be loved. We crave attention, we crave to be noticed and to be admired. We long for all those things, like I read in the book, "Captivating".. yes.. and it is when I read that book, that it openes my eyes to the feminity of God and the woman I am supposed to be in God.

How much of a woman God is in His desire to be loved by us, to be noticed, to talk to us, to listen and to understand. How much of a woman, He is, in His forgiveness and grace; in His healing and most of all, His beauty..

And it is when I realize the femininity of God, that I managed to open up my heart to slowly let others see that part of me. I have to admit - I am still learning to be feminine.

It's not easy. My ego wouldn't let me. I wanted the world to know the damage the women in my life has done to me -no, I cannot be feminine. My ego. My hurt. My hatred. My unforgiveness.

Yesterday, I met her again.. the one who ruined my life. After all those years.. I finally knew the culprit - it was you. The way you talked to me. I felt like slapping you in the face and shouting, "Don't you DARE talk to me like that again!" The way you talked.. the emotion,.. the spirit that came out of you. It was demonic. And you didn't even know it. After all those years - you couldn't see yourself - you were blinded by your own hurts. It made you immature. You never grew up. And when you were blinded, and when you were too proud face your weaknesses and deal with them, you could never change, and you could never be the person God wanted you to be, so that God could use you. That's why God couldn't use you, and you wasted your whole life.

Instead, the devil used you to destroy other people. That intimidating spirit inside of you caused you to put fear in others and to crush their innerman. To break down their confidence and self-esteem, like the way you crushed mine. The devil came to steal, kill and to destroy. And he used you to destroy me. All because you couldn't face your own hurts and rejection. I wish someone ministered to you when you were still young, so that I wouldn't be who I am today, because of you.

You have no idea - the damage you did to me. And you're still doing it. I thought, perhaps I should find the strength to stand up to you one day, but then I realized that a fool cannot be corrected. Why do I call you a fool? Because you cannot be corrected. And if I were to reveal your weaknesses to you, you will only fight back at me, to defend that ego of yours. Your ego. Your hurt. Your hatred. Your unforgiveness.

Why do I let you scold me? Why do I even listen to you? Why do I keep my mouth shut and let you order me around like I'm your slave? You have brought misery upon me as far back as I can remember. Why do you hate me so much? Is it your jealousy?

Since I was young, no one fought for me; not even myself. I sought salvation, and I found none. All I had was hope. Hope that someday, all that misery would end. I sought justice. I found none. I sought healing, but all I had with me was unforgiveness and bitterness towards you. But still I loved you. Even after being slapped by you again, I loved you. Why? Why do you hate me so much? Did I learn slapping from you? Perhaps it's contagious. And my mum never believed in slapping. It's funny we both do.

And you're teaching that girl to hate me. Heck, you're teaching the whole world to hate me. Sometimes I feel like you love me, but sometimes I feel like no one hates me more than you. I'd like to think that it is not you that hates me, but the devil in you. Why do you hate me so much? And why do you try to make everyone else hate me?

You have taught her well. Now she hates me too. That woman I'd like to call a "b@#$%". The way she orders me around - she's just a replica of you. And why do I listen to her? She is not even as old as me, and yet I let her order me around like she was you. In front of everyone, as you two take turns to order me around, I'd just bite my lips and smile. But I'm cursing beneath my breath. And in my heart, my middle finger stands tall.. hah. "F@#$, you, b%&*@.. asshole." were the only words in my vocab at that time, as I obeyed her biddings.

You should just be glad I didn't call you a bitch as well. I wonder why. It's because somewhere in there, I still have respect for you. I will never call you a bitch. But I'd call her one, and rather lash out all my anger on her, instead of on you. Because I know that you have a reason. And secondly, somewhere in there, I know you love me. I know you care. You're just too jealous sometimes, and that jealousy takes over most of the time.. and gradually increases as years go by. But once in a blue moon, you're an angel to me.. and I'd like to think that that's the real you.

You compared me with the other girls my age - in front everyone. As though I had no feelings. Oh, guess what? I didn't have to compare myself with my peers - someone consistently did that for me, and publicly!

For the first few years you did that, you were winning.. because I was still young. Everyone supported you.. Yes, Anna shouldn't dress like a boy.. Anna should dress like the other girls her age.. blah blah blah.. laugh at me in union, jeer, whatever.. ruin my ego. The more you made it obvious to the world that I was tomboy, the harder it was for me to be feminine, even when I dreamed of becoming feminine, because then to become feminine would mean giving in to your mocking. It would seem that I changed just because of you,.. and the credit would go to you and your jeering. Now, I didn't want that.. So even when I wanted to be feminine, I had to act like a tomboy, just so that I wouldn't give in to you. How idiotic. How egoistic of me. How childish.

But I guess I grew up, and I ignored your teasing. Okay, so the teasing couldn't be ignored - they still rung in my ears like it was yesterday, but they had to be pushed aside - I had to choose between my pride and who I was, because I wanted to be feminine so much that I decided to lay my pride down and just did what was in my heart. Femininity won.

As years went by, your jealousy had became so obvious that I couldn't even get hurt by the multitude of your comparisons, but instead, I pitied you. You were so blinded. You couldn't see the rest of our eyes, exchanging glances as you said, "She's much prettier than Anna.. wayyyy prettier... She's just so beautiful, Anna can never compete." What the heck? Who in the first place said that I was pretty? For a moment, you sounded like the devil himself, condemning me directly into my face. ahah.. It was just so devilish. The devil there was just too obvious.. the manifestation of him was just undeniable. It was like he was announcing to the whole world, "Yes, this is Satan speaking."

Everyone saw your jealousy, right there, right then.. I just looked at the audience, big eyed in shock.. as they returned the look. They were all on my side this time round.. =D Thanks for the extra topping of pity from them - I didn't have to ask for that extra love and attention.. Unfortunately, this time, you were just defaming yourself.

I felt like slapping the devil inside you, waking you up from your sleep. It was just so the drama.. I couldn't believe what I heard.. It was too obvious.. sigh. Your jealousy was undeniable.

I was flattered. Seriously. That someone like you could be that jealous of me. And I thought that I respected you.. all these years.. were you actually jealous of me? Hah.. I was honored, really.. I should have started respecting myself too, then, since someone I respected so much had envied me.

What a slap it must've been for you when that lady told everyone that I was beautiful.. ahah.. what a slap in your face it must've been.. And I wasn't even asking God for affirmation on my looks. I mean,.. duh.. what are looks anyway? Beauty is from the heart. But if God wanted to give, He gives. Freely and readily.

I guess that's why you scolded me so badly yesterday.. because just before that, everyone said that I was "so beautiful", I was "unrecognizable". You must've been reaaaallly jealous.. Ahah.. stupid heads.. the both of you were jealous.. now it makes sense. No wonder you two order me around all the time.. I can finally identify myself with Cinderella.. ahahahahaha... and you guys thought I was kidding when I said I felt like Cinderella when I was 7? Well, well.. it's all coming to pass now..

Aahhaha.. even if you wanted to be jealous, you could have been jealous over a girl who was actually pretty.. ahah.. why me? Don't you have any taste? Ahah.. I can't help but to laugh at you.. what low self-esteem you guys must have, in order to be jealous of a "slave" like me? I'm nothing but a "maid".. Hah.. talk about flattery.. tsk tsk tsk.. no comment! XD

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

44 years more to live?

2008-03-23T00:28:00.004+08:00

I just finished playing a new board game with Elijah and Sarah, 'Puerto Rico". I won.

I literally slept through the first half an hour or so while Elijah read the instructions on how to actually play the game.. it was 100% complicated. So if you thought settlers was even a little complex, trust me - it was no match to this game. In fact, this game didn't even use a dice like Settlers - no luck, pure brains. So Settlers was a little like Monopoly in fact - 25% brains, 75% luck. Puerto Rico was 100% brains and 0% heart. Lol!

It was our first time playing, and I have to admit that I didn't do it on my own - took some advice from Sarah and Elijah. Thanks to Elijah for all his sabotages as well.. oh well.. he wasted all my doubloons I could have earned from selling my coffee!!! Arghhh~!!!! >=\

Sorry for the jargon,.. but anyways,.. learnt some lessons on life.. The game ended as soon as we finally understood it.. just before the climax,.. I won. ..what an interesting way to end =.= (and I didn't even get a chance to use those large newly built Indigo factories *sobz..)

After the game ended, I asked them, "How come you didn't buy the large buildings?" (the Large buildings were like.. the best way to earn the most Victory Points).

But they replied that they wanted to build so many other things, that they didn't even bother finding out what these large buildings did.. They focused so much on developing their cities, buying more warehouses, factories, markets.. and they didn't think that the game would have ended that soon.. So all these time in the game, they were developing themselves and dreaming big, preparing for something so big that never came, because time was slipping away, and they were not aware of it.

Many times in life, we dream big and plan ahead.. a little too much for what we can do within this short period of time. I know this sounds weird coming from Anna, for Anna is one that is.. a dreamer.. I love to dream. I always believe that there is nothing too big for God to handle.

It's not that I don't believe God can do big things - He can. And I still believe with all my heart. What I am saying is.. we don't know how short life is. Life is short. And we should be more down to earth sometimes. It's okay to plan ahead and dream big, just don't merely plan. We have to see what we have right now and use it. If we think we really have all the time in the world, I'm sorry to burst your bubbles today, but we don't.

Think about it - how many years of our lives do we actually spent learning and developing ourselves for the rest of our lives? How many years do we spent on education alone? 5 years? no.. 10 years? no.. then? 20 years? no.. more than 20 years.

And then, we're still not done.. we have to be retrained so that we can be properly equipped for the workforce.. another few years before we are considered 'experienced' and 'seasoned' just to uphold a single position in any company. And that can be many more years, depending on the company. The bigger the company you work for, the more years of experience is required for one position. Some positions in some companies require up to 8-10 years experience in order to be eligible for that position. Some more..

What I am trying to say is.. we dream. And we want so many things in life. We want to build the largest food chain, yet we want to build a chain of hotels, and we also want to franchise a boutique clothes shop. Not forgetting the factories and interior designing companies. Oh, and most importantly.. the schools I want to build in both developed and under developed countries.. (I am mostly referring to myself, aren't I?)

Yes, I dream.. but look at my life and look at the time I have left - the clock is ticking. And I seriously thought I had a whole life ahead of me when I graduate, and yes, I still believe I do. But it is important to realize it now before it is too late, that the amount of time and the opportunities I have only come once. And time only crosses our paths once, and they never come back. Time lost, no one can get back. My mum used to give me advice on time so many times.. and I always thought I understood what she meant, but today when I play that game and realize how something we have been building up for so long may end so abruptly,.. I start to ponder, really.. about life.

We spent the first 30 years of our lives trying to be good enough to live out the next 25 years and finally realize that we don't have much time left.. 55 is the age of retirement, and if you want to console yourself that the age of retirement is 60, then you may very well do so, but don't deceive yourself - it's just another 5 years.. so you have 30 years to accomplish everything you have been preparing for the first 30 years of your life. And mind you, time passes by faster everyday, as we grow up. Haven't you heard of the phrase, "And already, another year is gone.."

This has been something I wondered about while I was in Ipoh too, as I heard this song on the radio..

I'm 15 for a moment caught in between 10 and 20 and I'm just dreamin',

countin' the ways to where you are.
I'm 22 for a moment and she feels better than ever and we're on fire, making our way back from Mars.

15, there's still time for you,

Time to buy and time to lose,

15, there's never a wish better than this,
When you only got a hundred years to live. . .

I'm 33 for a moment still the man but you see I'm a "they,"

A kid on the way babe, a family on my mind.
I'm 45 for a moment, the sea is high and I'm headin' into a crisis, chasin' the years of my life,

15, there's still time for you,

Time to buy and time to lose yourself within a morning star.
15, I'm alright with you,

15, there's never a wish better than this,
When you only got a hundred years to live. . .

Half time goes by suddenly you're wise,

Another blink of an eye 67 is gone, the sun is gettin' high,
We're movin' on. . .

I'm 99 for a moment, dyin' for just another moment and I'm just dreamin',
Counting the ways to where you are.

15, there's still time for you,

22, I feel her too,

33, you're on your way,
Every day's a new day...

15, there's still time for you,

Time to buy and time to choose,

Hey 15! There's never a wish better than this,
When you only got a hundred years to live. .

But keep it real, people.. we DON'T have a hundred years to live.. average life for both men and woman in Malaysia is 70.6 years.. For those of you in other countries, you can look your country up on this [table] . Quoted from the article attached, "Currently, the worldwide life expectancy for all people is 64.3 years but for males it's 62.7 years and for females life expectancy is 66 years, a difference of more than three years. The sex difference ranges from four to six years in North America and Europe to more than 13 years between men and women in Russia."

..so keep it real, keep it short, always count your days.. and look to God.

P/s: I should really spend more time with my parents..

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Ipoh with two ham sup chaiz..[to be edited]

2008-03-22T09:54:00.004+08:00

Eh, guess what? That day holiday, went to Ipoh with Likee and his gay partner - Jeffrey.. lol! =P ahah.. went and got my CJ7!! Ahhh!!! So happieeee... :D

ahahha.. it was RM12.90.. eheheh.. and its the same as the RM19.90 one, just that it wasn't smiling.. :( awwhhh...

but newayz.. I'm so happy I could buy it for Andrew.. ahh.. my erm.. real bro yet not real. ahahahhah... okayz.. I'm crapping again.. =.='

Anyway,.. went there because LikEe, la.. he said his dad got brain tumor, so need encouragement, then we go - mana tau his dad already finish op and all fine and well =.= he was just looking for an excuse to kidnap a few people to Ipoh.. again.

Well, he plans to go again sometime early May, like.. really early May because I'll be leaving for Aussie on the 5th of May.. so, oh well.. seems like I'm gonna miss everyone here.. not many people, though.. mainly my second family and CF people.. mainly, la.. and a few church people.. like Shela, Ah Mic and Mei Mei Stephanie.. love them so much.. oh well.. oh, and Gene.. and some online friends, like Rue.. hmmm.. who else? Well.. yes, I'm a loner, so that's about it la.

Anyways.. went to Ipoh, I ate..erm... Ipoh Chicken Rice for Dinner!!! And guess what?~! Nope, you would NOT believe it - LikEe actually, actually paid!!! mwhahhahaha... no, we did NOT trick him into doing it - he actually had the heart to ~ *sob.. how touchin'... haha.. no la, before I decided to come, he actually said that transport costs RM50 both ways and he'll belanja all the makan.. ahah.. so it's more like he tricked us into doing it, not the other way around, because he did NOT belanja all the makan.. lol! In fact, the last meal, I belanja him back one.. hahaha..

Erm.. Sightseeing.. well.. Likee brought us to two places - erm.. the olde olde train station (don't ask why) and the Japanese Garden or something like that (don't ask either).. summore the Japanese Garden so many mosquitoes.. *sob... And landed up I am the one getting bitten all over... :(

Old train station - got some weird pics for you guys.. and I mean WEIRD... ahahah... see for yourself..

Then to the park.. took a few more pics..

erm.. the most 'profitable' thing we did there was to visit the hospital and actually visit his mom.. sighh.. but we only spent like what? less than an hour a visit? lol! Oh, and guess what? Likee loves his mum like crazy, kay? If I didn't know it was his mom, I'd probably think it was his wife, no, not because Likee is old or nething, but because of the way he treats her - so super er... romantic. Lol! :P

No kidding.. see for yourself.

He pets her, hugs her, kisses her all over.. oh boy.. you don't wanna know.. but oh well, since it's his mom, I shall conclude that Likee is a good example to follow, so yes.. that's the way to go, man~ *clap clap clap...

Okay, so what else? Ah yes, CJ7,.. ahhahahaha... next day went to Parade.. finally.. and Likee cannot find parking or rather,.. didn't wanna do side parking. lol! so ended up he paid RM2 parking outside.. and blame it on me... you can't put the blame on me.. can't put the blame on me.. noticed I said "can't", not "can" lol!!!

so we went to 3 different shops.. looking for it...

and finally found it, but like I said earlier.. it wasn't smiling.. awhhh.. so if anyone knows where I can get a smiling CJ7, please lemme know.. I might actually wanna buy another one! lol! no la,.. I think that would be greed.. :P I also bought the cute little handphone assessory thingy.. ahhh.. so cute!!!

One of the shops actually had this many big CJ7s!!!

Oh, oh,.. and guess what? I also took a vid in the car of my lovely lovely CJ7 dancing!! ehehehhehe... so cute la.. makes me happy! :) I wish I could let you guys have a look.. ahahah.. no idea if I can, but I shall try~

so on the way back, slept again... so nice, you know, being the only girl on that trip - I get all the attention!! mwhahahahhahaha... feel like a princess suddenly.. I suddenly realize why I don't like to hang around with girls - because I always wanna be the only girl.. mwhahhaha!!! so yes, yes.. I was treated nicely there.. ^^ no competition..

brought my guitar all the way there, with all the song books but never used it! Well at least I managed to get it tuned by Jeffrey, so yea.. guess I brought it there for something... oh, did you guys know that Jeffrey can actually play? yea.. didn't think so either..

Oh, in the car, those two ham sup chaiz were singing "We are the champion" by Queens, at the top of their lungs! And they woke me up .. Bleargh!

Okay, anyways,.. ah, yes.. cost. Going there was like RM24.80 and coming back was,.. no, you won't believe it either - RM15.80^^ not bad, eh? =) Love the cost.

Oh,.. not to forget something really important - we passed a billboard that said..

JORAM.. eh, no.. Jeram, sorry.. lolz! ^^

And guess what? Jeffrey's car is like covered in Liverpool assessories, kay.. He has this..

and this..

and this...

and when I was done hunting for my dear CJ7, he actually went hunting for more Liverpool stuff.. goodness..

Oh.. one more thing - something very important! We dedicated a song to Likee on the way back - it's called 'Desperado' by Juwita Suwito, and went something like..

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You've been out riding fences for so long now
Oh you're a hard one but I know that you've got your reasons
These things that are pleasin' you will hurt you somehow

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
She'll beat you if she's able
The queen of hearts is always your best bet
Now it seems to me some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get

Desperado, you know you ain't gettin' younger
Your pain and your hunger they're driving you home
And freedom, oh freedom, now that's just some people talkin'
You're a prisoner walking thru this world all alone

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
You're losing all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gates
It may be raining but there's a rainbow up above you
You'd better let somebody love you before it's too late

Actually, there are a lot of other people I wanna dedicate this song to, like.. erm.. names I shall not mention here.. ahhaha.. nvm...

So, a toast, to all the desperados out there.. may you find someone tailormade to suit you.. and as for me.. ahh.. I shall sing this song to you!

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

.: You † bore my pain :.

2008-03-21T22:26:00.003+08:00

Today was interesting - Good Friday. The past 1 month has been.. painful. And I take today as a point of change for me (that's what I kept saying every few days or so anyways) but I believe that sometimes we have to take little changes.. bit by bit.. depending on the person and the situation.. sometimes, we just need one big blast of change, and we're changed forever - it depends on the person's readiness. So I guess letting go this time wasn't so easy..

Anyway, I had a revelation - again.. Today was Good Friday, so guess where I was at night? -yea, church. My dad preached on communion and about partaking His body and blood, that we shall abide in Him, and His life will be in us. And that we should take it as often as we meet. He shared the testimony of a lady in Mexico called Anna.. (^^) and she was used by God powerfully there as a prophet and all.. and she had a 10 years old daughter who fell into the pool and broke her neck, and died. And Anna took her body and commanded life to come into her daughter, and the little girl came back to life, and was healed just as before. They asked her, what her secret was, and she said, 'Communion'. She said she believed that as she took it, the life of Jesus abides in her, and she took it with her family everyday. She said that's why she has the life to impart - because of communion.

Anyway, as I was saying, I was hurting real bad for weeks, on and off.. sometimes it'd be.. lonely and pain, sometimes I'd be fine.. and sometimes I'd be happy, then sometimes, I'd be zombie.. especially the first few weeks.. but reading the book helped me out of my zombieness.. thanks to Aunty Lily again.. can't stop thanking her for the lovely book.. kinda saved me in every way.

Anyway, the revelation was that He took my pain, and since I took the communion today, I believe that I won't feel the pain anymore because Jesus already bore my pain on the cross. So I'm fine now :) Praise God! *Anna doesn't hurt anymore*

It's the communion.

So next time I go through a break up again (hopefully not).. but if I have to go through this again, bring it on.. cause I won't feel the pain anymore. Jesus took my pain and bore it for me 2000 years ago. Bring it on!!!

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

1 month's anniversary

2008-03-21T00:17:00.003+08:00

I just realized it has been 1 month since Matt broke up with me^^ Come, let's celebrate! Cheers to all the hurting hearts out there :) ..you're not alone - you've got me! =D

No, I was just kidding- seriously.. Okay..

Lord, here's a moment to thank You for:

a second chance - to straighten up, aligning my path with Your will for my life^^ Thank You so much for a second chance, I couldn't thank You enough.. if You have let me gone ahead with this relationship, I would have missed out on the rest of my life with You, doing Your will - going to Aus. And there is nothing, I repeat, nothing, that can replace a life spent with You and doing Your will.
two families - that although this relationship didn't work out, I still had a new pair of parents I prayed for, and an additional younger bro included into that package - this temporary relationship was so worth it. I would have done it all again, if I get to keep this wonderful package^^

My natural family - if I went ahead with this relationship, I don't think I would get to keep my current family in the future because Matt doesn't really like them - thanks to my bad mouthing my own family - a high price to pay. But because the relationship didn't work out, guess what - I'm stuck wif 'em. I guess Aussie would be a good chance for me to really rebuild my bonds with them. And learn to love 'em.. and stop bad mouthing them!!
the experience - although I believe that experience doesn't necessarily mean increased maturity. In this case, I'll let God be the judge. I don't know if I have learned anything and matured from this relationship, but I know that what the book said ('How to deal with your broken heart' by Susan Tang) is right in the last page, where it says that our lives are broken so that it may be poured out for others. Like the five loaves and two fish that were broken into so many pieces - I know this experience I have gained will help many more broken hearts one day :) At least I can say, "been there, done that!" and yes, "you're not alone." ^^
happy memories - the relationship brought memories.. happy memories, but I shall not talk about them. It's just not right to talk about them. One thing, I have to admit - 'It is easier to give up than to let go' (by Anna). Giving up on the relationship is easy, but letting the person go isn't..

And it's not easy forgetting nice memories.. It's hard to even want to forget them.. The hard part about letting go someone is the memories.. When you want to 'let go everything to God, it includes the nice memories as well, and nice memories are harder to let go, because they're so nice to keep..

But when we keep nice memories, that's when 'false hope' appears - 'false hope' is created by nothing but the desire for something you cannot have. And happy memories intensifies that desire, which gives birth to 'false hope'. This is why letting go of happy memories play such an important part in letting go a person.

So, as soon as you let go of happy memories, you kill that false hope permanently.

Nevertheless, I thank God they were mostly happy memories, and not sad, because then I would have to deal with something else - hurt and rejection issues, which intensifies self-hatred and.. gives birth to sin in the long-run. The process is kind of long-winded - don't even get me started.

So, thank You, Lord for happy memories instead of sad ones - although there were a few sad ones here and there, but those were less than 10% to me.. and I am not letting the devil use that 10% to ruin my life - although he is trying to.

Oh, and I could already imagine the mess God and I would have to clear up if there were 90% sad memories instead! Thank You, Lord, for sparing me that agony.. I guess You didn't let me go through with it because I probably wouldn't have made it back onto my feet - by then, I would be good for nothing but to be crushed and burned.. because I am already having a hard time to get over happy memories - how much more effort I would need and how much stronger I would have needed to be if they were sad memories!
Your grace - I've failed You so many times, but Your love for me - it never fails. I don't deserve Your grace. I have forsaken You too many times.. and You never forsook me once. I have gone astray from You too often - and I don't even know how You can accept me back. I don't deserve it.

But I just want to say thank You, Jesus. Thank You, Daddy.. Thank You, Holy Spirit.. I love You..

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

I Believe .:: Lenny LeBlanc

2008-03-18T23:04:00.003+08:00

Like a ship on troubled waters
Many sail alone
Mothers weep for sons and daughters
And pray they will come home
For soon it will be harvest time
And all the storms will pass
O what joy I'll find
When I see You at last

You are my resting place
Along the narrow highway
You are my bridge
Across the open sea
You are my Savior
And my passageway to Heaven
O Jesus I believe in You
O Jesus I believe

Father You have seen my struggles
And You have known my fears
But Lord You've been so faithful
To wipe away my tears
So when the world laughs at me
And says I'm just a fool
I will bow my knee
And worship only You

I believe You are the only answer
To life's questions
Lord help me keep my heart
In the right direction

Treat her right ::. Lenny LeBlanc

A lot of people breaking hearts these days
Giving up and just walking away
Forever's just another word
That you hear young lovers say
I know it may be old fashioned, but I still believe
Love stays when the strong winds blow
Even when it hurts, don't let go

Chorus
You've got to treat her right, understand
That she's your woman and you're her man
Tell her that you need her
Like the desert needs the rain
And if you treat her right, show her you care
When you need her she'll be there
Like an island in the storm, a beacon in the night
If you love her, treat her right

A good woman ain't easy to find
The faithful and the loving kind
And if you don't hold her tight
She'll slip right through your hands
Love gives more than it takes
So be willing for her sake
Stand by her when the strong winds blow
Even when it hurts, don't let go

Chorus

She's your best friend and your lover
So if you want to keep her
Take good care of her

If you treat her right, show her you care
When you need her, she'll be there
Like an island in the storm, a beacon in the night
If you love her treat her right

Treat her right
Treat her right

In this album, I also like 'Silent Stars' ^^ :)

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

LikEe's howse...

2008-03-17T18:41:00.003+08:00

I'm in LikEe's room.. no, not the one in Ipoh, the one here in DJ la.. he is having his bath.. God knows what I am doing here la.. you know, la.. this LikEe everytime want to go home and bath only - like nothing better to do =.= Now I have to wait for him pulak.

Later going out to celebrate Kenny's birthday.. Happy burfday, Mr.Ken!!!^^ You are older now! :)

Oh.. he is out.. yay.. I am stoning here. That beef asked me to charge his phone for him summore - shouting from the toilet, somemore raining so loud outside, how I know he is calling me la.. all I hear is people shouting like a maniac in the bafoom.. how I know it is my name, leh? ...beef.

Ah.. XiYing, XiYing.. can't wait to see you, baby.. you light my fire.

So actually the plan is something like this: we were going to Wai Sek Kai.. then in the end decided to go to 1U because Sexy is there.. but then Sexy dowan 1U.. she want WSK, and then go pasar malam after that, so I can buy my beloved CJ7 for Andrew.. awhh.. yea.. whatevah.. I saw Ryan playing with it, and it looked just so adorable,.. made me think of Andrew - Matt's bro.. ahah.. manja him le.. the only so called real yet not real bro I have.. anywayz.. yeah so in the end, since raining so we decided to go to 1U again.. so don't know if I can find an affordable CJ7 there or not.. that time Ebbie said that it costed her RM19.90 or something.. so.. argh.. hope for the best, la..

Till then, Adios~! ;)

p/s: Had lunch with LikEe and his colleagues today.. ahah.. found a cheap place oppo Jaya 1 - FINALLY!.. argh.. he is chasing me off... bye

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Come Back Home - Apple

2008-03-17T01:41:00.001+08:00

lately in this journey
with the battles in the way
i have fought with my own might
though unguarded by the light

ive fallen once again
to the pit that once held me
so i looked up and cried
please take me back to the light

coz i wanna come back home
in Your arms where im secured
im tired of living with these worries
im tired of fearing all day long
now i wanna give my all
and surrender to You
just wana live a life
the way it was when im with You

now im alone in the room
with no one left to bother
no faces to see
no voices to hear

but deep in my heart
where there's an empty space that keeps me
its Your face i wanna see
its Your voice i long to hear

i know it wont be easy
to let You take away
the life that ive held on
for so long
but i'll take this one big step
and let You take my all
and leave the rest to You

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Let You find me in the desert

2008-03-16T08:53:00.005+08:00

Not let me find You.

Many times, we thought that it was Moses who found the burning bush- no. It was God who found Moses. Why? Because Moses was busy taking care of the sheep- he was not looking for anything. Then, he spotted the burning bush - he did not go into the desert in search of a burning bush or God - no. He was not praying and fasting, asking God to show him a sign or what His purpose was for his life, no. But it was God who was searching for a man to lead His people out of Egypt- and God found Moses, out of the desert.

It is just so different to think that it was You who came and found him. Throughout history, it was You who took the initiative, You who made the first move, You who came to the rescue. And now it is always You who comes for me, to find me when I am alone..

So, let You find me in the desert, Lord. Come, and find me.

Other than this point in my life which is a desert for me, geographically, Australia is a desert also.. I remember specifically, my sister's prophecy about God leading her into the desert, and how it could be interpreted as Australia in a way, which is a desert and also financially a desert period for her family. So, yes, God is leading me into the desert as well.. and He will lead me out. He will find me there.. and call me out to fulfill His purposes when I am ready. When He is looking for someone, He will look for me.

Here am I, Lord.. send me^^

You know, when I am in a time of disappointment, it's when I need to think of His grace to me.. instead of asking God why He didn't do this or that for us, instead of looking at the things we want but cannot have, think about all the wrong things we did in the past and ask ourselves.. do we even deserve salvation? And He gave us grace, forgiveness.. and who are we to ask for more? His grace is enough.. His love is enough.. how can we ask for anything more?

It suddenly dawned upon me that even if I were to be a cleaner for the rest of my life, it is worth it because at least I have eternal life- as least I have His grace and His love - even that I do not deserve. What right do I have to ask Him for anything? Do I actually deserve the things I ask for? The only thing I deserve is condemnation and hell fire, that I am aware of.. and I don't deserve anything else. But now I am redeemed and have salvation. What more do I want? What do I have the right to ask for?

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Working days

2008-03-15T10:12:00.003+08:00

I am currently taking two part time jobs - one as an / customer service and another one as an invigilator. The admin assistant / customer service one is in Jaya One, and the invigilator is in Technology Park Malaysia.

Customer Service cum Admin assistant

Lunch : Ate there twice.. once at Jaya Noodle House, and my lunch costed me RM7.30, excluding tax for a not-so-nice chicken rice.. the second time I ate there was at Secret Recipe, cost me like another RM6.50 or something for a black pepper lamb pie (dare not order something too expensive or it will cost more than my one hour's pay! lol!) =\ feel so poor suddenly.. But I have to express my gratitude to Aunty Lily- Matt's mom for asking me over for lunch every other day I worked there..

Thank you so much,.. your food tastes great.. I love coming over and spending time with you guys.. thank you.. you have helped me so much,.. so much more than I can ask for.. especially when Matt broke up with me, you were there for me.. thanks for all the advice, and stories and the book.. thanks for the songs also.. thanks for everything.. I cannot explain how much you guys meant to me and what you've done for me.. I wish I can repay you guys back, somehow... you guys are like the family I always dreamed of having.. I just love the amount of attention I get when I come over.. and Andrew is like the younger brother I've always wanted..(although Matt may not seem to think so^^) but naughty is cute sometimes..

I treat Andrew more like a real brother than any of my other pet bros I have.. I don't know why.. Maybe because I used to be like him too.. just like I used to be like Matt..

Job description : Making >100 phone calls to clinics a day, asking them if they have started using the web based system or manual forms. If they haven't started using the web based online system, they should start =.='

Other than that, I also put stamps on about 2000 letters to all the clinics, informing them that we have moved, and a few other updates.. I have to fill up each letter with 5 A4 papers and 1 postcard with their new address^^ love the stamping, though..

Invingilator @ Exam Site Coordinator (ESC.. lol!)

Work Time : 8am - 5pm
Venue : Jaring Building, Enterprise 1, Technology Park Malaysia
Salary : RM100/day but don't tell people that..

Lunch : Normally ta pau.. ahah.. first day, ate while invigilating.. lol!! eating at the back of the training room here.. shhh...
and then second day, ate in the car.. lol!! hot like anything..
then today fourth day.. ate outside the room at the staff area there.. cold like nething!! :P

but on the third day, I was supposed to go out and find Asaph.. because Asaph works in TPM, Enterprise 4. And he used to brag about his Cafeteria.. he boasted that his chicken chop there only RM5.50.. ahah.. but sadly now that I can actually eat from there, it's already RM7, but oh well.. still cheap^^ In the end, I ate Mee Rebus, la. it was only RM3.50.. lol! Brought Sunitha there too - she is my colleague^^

Talking about finding the cafeteria.. whoah.. you won't know what a person can do within a 1 hour lunch break, my dear blog-readers.. lol!! :) Until now, I feel the satisfaction deepening.. ahahahh... *smug face*

Okay, la.. I shall tell you.. I took off with Sunitha, drove from Jaring building to Enterprise 4, which is still in TPM, to where Asaph works.. Asaph, actually said that his office is on the 5th floor, but since the sms was so long ago, I didn't realize that he was answering two different questions.. the first was, where was his office and the second was, where is the cafeteria.. the sms was something like this..

"Yes.. On level 5.. The cafe is at the end of the whole building.."

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

I Dance .::. Lenny LeBlanc

2008-03-13T23:19:00.004+08:00

I just love the whole Above All CD..

When I'm alone with You, Lord
My troubles seem to disappear
And the peace that comforts me
Always comes when You are near
And Your love's too much for my heart to contain
Joy too much that my feet won't refrain

So I dance like the rain on the roof
Tell my soul that my spirit's on the loose
Don't know if anyone will understand
Feels like an angel's got a hold of my hand
So I dance
I dance I dance I dance

When I think about the ways
That You have blessed my life
I sing a song of praise and thankful tears fill my eyes
'Cause Your love's too much for my heart to contain
Joy too much that my feet won't refrain

So I dance like the rain on the roof
Tell my soul that my spirit's on the loose
Don't know if anyone will understand
Feels like an angel's got a hold of my hand
So I dance
I dance I dance I dance

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Girls...=\

2008-03-12T00:24:00.003+08:00

< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
oh
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
trust me
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
she could b really sensitive at times
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
pms gua
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
=/
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
yea maybe
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
my bf was rather freaked out with me also
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
a few times in fact
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
and it was his parents that stood on my side and defended me
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
he actually told me that he was freaked out
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
and when he was freaked out, i just feel like he doesnt love me anymore
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
and it makes me freaked out too
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
lol
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
really
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
i was trying really hard to control
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
i juz would avoid her thinking dat i dun care about her
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
girls arent always rational
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
thats something you have to understand
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
juz a lil disturbed when im concern it makes her think im controling
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
guys are creatures of brains and girls are creatures of feelings
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
we do things according to feelings most of the time
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
that makes us different from guys
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
lol
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
oh well, maybe i dun understand gurls at all
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
i hate to say this but i may sound really rational at times
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
and other times my feelings just take over
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
no, she is not the only girl, remember that
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
she is not the only one who will freak you out
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
every other girl is like that
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
you just dont know them well enough to see that side of them
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
its when you get close to a girl, that they reveal their inside thoughts to you and then you realize how much they are compelled by their feelings
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
but other girls like me, we don't show you that side because we aren't close enough yet
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
lol
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
yea
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
but i didnt make a big fuss
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
i kept quiet
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
=(
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
all a girl like her needs is a guy with lots of patience
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
and she's really lucky
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
or maybe unlucky cuz i dun understand her dat well
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
=S
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
guys need to reason things out most of the time
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
but girls, well.. sometimes reasoning is not enough
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
as long as they know that no matter how freaked out they were, you believed in them and trusted them , and stayed on with them, and love them,
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
thats whats important
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
sometimes a girl just wants to be honest and pour out all their expressions and feelings at you
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
just to see if you can take it
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
to see if you can handle them or not
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
whether you have what it takes
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
to be their support when they are emotionally unstable
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
because if you freak out then one day, when they really are unstable, you can't be there to support them
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
they have to know how much you can take
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
thats why girls like older guys most of the time
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
because older guys normally can take more
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
because they are more matured and more patient
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
ahah
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
darn
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
im too young
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
hahaha
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
well, you took it well
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
we all learn from experiences
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
just because youre young doesnt mean that youre less mature
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
you're very mature for your age
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
ahah
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
nah
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
im far from reaching maturity
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
so much more to learn
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
haha
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
yes we all are far
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
okay, time to sleep
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
take good care of her
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
be patient and hear things out
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
dont throw back at her
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
and dont stop affirming her of your love
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
thats all a girl needs to know sometimes
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
especially in the midst of misunderstandings
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
just take it like a test
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
to see how much you can take
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
alright!
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
because she's not the only one who needs to know how much you can take
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
you also need to know, right
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
itz a great advice
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
thanks
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
dats something i really need to know
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
=)
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
hehe
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
no prob
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
i'd love to be here for you guys
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
anytime, ya
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
ahah
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
yeap!
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
nite
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
great having u around
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
=D
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
nite nite
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
thanks
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
sweet dreams!
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
take good care aite!
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
well... at least someone appreciates my existance
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
lol
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
nite nite
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
ahah
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
im sure everyone does
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
they juz dun show it
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
=)
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
^^
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
u play an important role my dear
< < ~ Shadows ~ > > says:
=)
.: †reat her right, show her you care, and when you need her, she'll be there :. ahah.. *Anna-Grace is back* =) says:
:)

To Matt (Part 2)

2008-03-11T07:32:00.003+08:00

Your confidence was not the reason why I loved you.. In fact, I wasn't exactly fond with the fact that you kept taking pictures of yourself and all.. You'd be surprised- I loved you most when you didn't put gel on your hair and just behaved so.. erm.. 'shy', as I shall put it, trying to cover it up with your cap. To me, those were the times when I truly saw who you were, without a 'shield of confidence' as I shall put it - no, I'm not saying that you're fake or anything like that, don't get me wrong - what I mean is.. I liked you for who you were - without that confidence layer. I know that, that night I didn't talk much but I really was admiring your 'true self' as some would call it.. (boy, it's so hard to talk about these kinda things when you've already broken up.. please excuse my wrong choice of words)

That was a time when I truly saw you for who you were, and I loved you. And every other time I went out with you, I was just hoping to see that part of you again, that's why I kept asking you not to put gel, but soon.. I guess you got immune to it and wasn't shy anymore.. anyway, sooner or later, I couldn't tell if you had put on the gel or not.. It just seemed the same.. (sorry to hurt your ego again)

But no.. I didn't exactly like the ego part of you, to be honest.. I liked the emo part.. Because then I knew that I could trust you, that you were as vulnerable as I was - human. Basically I wanted a guy who would take his shields down in front of me because this is not a battlefield where we defend ourselves from being hurt by each other - a relationship is a place where you didn't need those shields. It's a safe place where you know that you can expose your true self and be accepted just as you are, and be appreciated for it. Like I said, Matt.. you have no idea who you are.. don't hide that part of you,.. at least not when you're in a relationship. Who you are is not a bad thing.. its better. And I'm going to say this again - just because she didn't take you for who you were doesn't mean that you're not a treasure inside. Some people just doesn't know how much value a treasure is. And she is either too young or too 'different' to differentiate a diamond from a zirconia. She just didn't know what she missed out when she left you - it was her loss, not yours. You're worth so much more.

Read Psalms 139:13-16

13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.

You were fearfully and wonderfully made. Everything about you was correct. He created you to be who you are today - don't despise yourself. He wanted you like that - don't question His craftsmanship. God is perfect in all His ways - when He created you, He did not make a mistake. God doesn't make mistakes. You're perfectly who He wanted you to be. So don't think that you should be more of this or more of that - you don't have to be any more than who you already are. I'm not asking you to stop improving yourself - what I mean is, don't try to fix what is not spoiled.

The Bible says that He fashioned all your days. Everything you ever did was written a long time ago - and God does not make mistakes. So don't regret doing anything you have done in the past, whether it was being with your ex or with me, because everything was meant to be. He planned for you to be with your ex and break up, He planned for us to meet up and break up - it was all part of His huge master plan somehow, and who are we to question His ways? He is, after all, God. And like your favourite verse says, "Everything turns out for good to those that love Him and are called according to His purpose." And I believe that we are both.

I had a lot of issues which I had to deal with - self confidence issues. You know, sometimes I feel like I failed everyone - failed you, because you really believed in me at first; failed your parents, because they really treated me like a daughter and accepted me into their home and all.. and I really love them too but thought that I was about to lose a family and parents I've always prayed for; failed your brother, that has been under my so called 'corrupted influence' and never clicked with anyone so well; failed my CF friends because they never took effort to getting to know my previous exes but actually made the effort this time and can get along with you - they love you and still think highly of you as a friend; failed my family - especially my mum.. she loves you so so much; failed your friends who seem to think I was okay.. and I kind of 'lost' contact with them in a way, esp Danial and Adam..

Most importantly, I felt that I've failed myself.. as a gf. Because I was so not good enough, that you could leave me for the past and memories of your ex who already had a bf. Like.. I was really not good enough for you to get on with life and help you forget about her, and that you could leave me for the dreams of something that will never happen. It's like.. you had a dead squirrel and a live one, but you loved the dead one so much that you gave the live one away because you felt that you can never love it as much as you loved the one that was dead. What's dead is dead.. I mean.. I felt like me being here is still not worth as much as a dead relationship. Am I really worth so little - less than as a dead relationship? And why couldn't I be good enough to even help you move on? Or why can't I even live up to your expectations.. Like, what is wrong with me?

But I had a choice - I could have chosen to be self-absorbed over the whole self confidence issue, believed that I was good for nothing, sob over it for nights on end and 'listen to the devil', as XiYing puts it (wouldn't he just love to take that opportunity..), or I could choose to see that He had a plan and a purpose for us both, individually, in all of this. That it really wasn't about me being good enough or not. But this just wasn't His perfect plan for us. And as all the days are written in the book, so is every break up. He wrote it long ago..

I just wish you'd meet the same guy I met that night, see the treasure in him and accept him for who he is. Don't ever despise him - he's a great guy.

Here,.. this reminds me of a song I always played on the piano since I was 13:

Inside of you - John Schlitt

As a child, you used to dream
There wasn't anything that you couldn't do
Learn to fly, on paper wings
But somebody told you dreams don't come true
Some settle for a lie and take it
And try to keep their hearts from breakin'
But you defy the odds
And make it worth the going through

Oh, inside of you there's a heart full of dreams
Like the gold in a stream to be uncovered
Inside of you lies a soul made to shine
Yes, a child meant to fly and discover
All the wonders God can do
Inside of you

Every day, you face the fear
With a measure of faith that you need
And even now all heaven cheers
For the miracle you're destined to be
True bravery's bought with sorrow
Life is but a gift we borrow
And all the promise of tomorrow waits to be revealed

Oh, inside of you there's a heart full of dreams
Like the gold in a stream to be uncovered
Inside of you lies a soul made to shine
Yes, a child meant to fly and discover
All the wonders God can do
Inside of you

Where dreams can still come true
All the wonders God can do
Inside of you

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

Getting all hyped up about Australia

2008-03-08T14:13:00.003+08:00

Here, lemme give you some highlights about me going to Australia - N.D is there.. Who is N.D? Well, he is my ex-classmate when I was 14.. lol! He was my first gay-friend.. lol! Yes, I literally mean gay, not Paul gay kinda gay, but the real one.. lol! Used to come up to me and say things like, "Anna,.. I think I'm gay.. help me! Will I go to hell???" And I would answer something like,.. "Yeap! :D"

Okaylar.. so anyway,.. he ain't gay no more.. I hope.. but well, it's been ages since I saw him, so yeah.. kinda miss him de.. as a friend la (what are you guys thinking, man? Okay, just for the record, when I say I 'miss' a guy, it's not what you think it is, kay? I said I will remain single forevah, so yeah.. it's not what you think it is, and it will never be anymore.. I ain't going to fall into that trap again!) So yeah.. I miss him la.. can't wait to see him.. reminds me of the good olde days when I was all spiritual and holy.. lolz! Man.. those were the days, alright! I didn't see him since I ended high school.. lolz! He is currently taking graphic design in Richmond and staying in Carlton.. thus, as you can see in the pic..^^

As for me, ND is the only friend I have there in Aussie currently, so I am hoping to meet up with him asap. He really helped me alot these days la.. giving me advice about going there, what I need to bring and buy before I go, gimme the train route and stuff.. thanks, ND~ I owe you lots!! *hugz*

^^ the world needs more people like ND~

Oh, and Ebbie and Joey got their PR de, and are planning to stay in Box Hill

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *

To Matt

2008-03-07T04:11:00.004+08:00

I'm telling you this as a friend..

You know,.. you and I are going through very similar things- you're trying to get over your ex, and I'm trying to get over you.. I just want you to know that..

there's just so many things to love about you, which you do not know.. no, it goes beyond the pictures and poses and stuff.. it's more than that- it's something inside that you got to see. Other people can see it, but you can't.

And you're just so different- don't compare yourself with others. You're not like them. You're way different. So don't look at others and wonder what it is that you don't have. Because there are plenty more things you have that they don't- trust me.

Just because someone who means a lot to you does not accept you for who you are doesn't mean that you are any less than what you should be. You're perfect in God's eyes. You have so much more than you can see. And you will probably never know what those things are until you go to Heaven one day, but others can see it.

Just be in the place where God wants you to be- where His heart is. And you will find treasure there.. one of the treasures that you'll find other than Him is yourself. For indeed you are a treasure, you just don't know it yet.

You should allow yourself to be loved. Don't hate yourself just because the person you love the most seem to dislike you- many times when people who mean a lot to us seem to dislike us, we automatically hate ourselves because we are already so hurt and we don't want to get hurt further, so by hating ourselves, maybe it won't be so painful. Don't. Let the love flow. Allow yourself to be loved, by God. Because God never fails- His love never fails. When others are going, God is all you can hold on to. So hang on. And never let go. Just don't hate yourself.

Love yourself. And when I say that, I don't mean pamper yourself by buying nice things or spending on nice food or doing things you enjoy or admiring your outer appearance only, what I mean by love yourself is by letting others love you for who you are. 'For who you are' means don't try to do things so that others will get drawn to you and love you- you don't have to- believe it or not, you already have what it takes for others to love you. Just because you can't see those qualities doesn't mean that they are not there.

And don't be afraid to love others. Yes, we should be careful- don't put your whole heart in and get it broken again. Love them with the love that the Father gave you. Even in times where we feel like we have nothing left to give- this is when we need His grace and His love which abounds. Ask- and it shall be given to you. Seek. Knock. He will give.

But don't love others more than yourself- the Bible says, love your neighbour as yourself- not more than yourself. So if you don't love yourself, how will you love others? You have to first learn to love yourself.

You are worth loving. Every ounce of you is worth loving. Jesus' death on the cross for you shows it- that you are worth dying for- every ounce of you is to die for.. =P

Don't concentrate on building your confidence so much- you don't have to. Confidence comes through time. You cannot make it. It has to be obtained. But it is best you don't have confidence in yourself- but let your confidence be in God and His love for you.

Don't try so hard to be someone you are not. Just be yourself- don't think so much on trying to improve yourself to be someone you think you should be. Just be satisfied- He can love you for who you are now, and you aren't any better than Him, so why can't you love yourself for who you are now?

Don't kick yourself just because her values are different. You should know this by now, I don't have to elaborate. If she had the same values, she probably would love you by now. She just can't see.. and even you can probably see more good things about yourself than she can.

Don't try to think like.. why doesn't she love you? Sometimes we just have to see the big picture- we have to see from His paradigm. He has a purpose in all this, and the world does evolve around Him and Him alone. And as the book says, if He is the center of your life, then you will understand why all this had to happen. And I'm not going to tell you, "you will get a better girl next time", etc. because it's really not about that. It's really not about us. It's about Him, period.

Now the test really does come- do we live for Him alone? or for ourselves? if we live for Him alone, then we discard our selfish thoughts and selfish desires, and seek His kingdom. And whether 'all these things are added unto you' are added, is beside the point.

Because if we don't live for God, there is no point living.

Matt, I don't blame you if you love her and not me. I seriously don't. Because it takes time, and you need time to forget about her. It's not easy, I know.. but the book says that time helps.. we just got to be patient.. one day, you'll get over her, and I'll get over you.. one day..

* tRUST & OBey the LORD *